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worried about brother

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User

Posted 05 Apr 2015 at 13:49

My older brother (59) has constantly put off having his PSA tested since I was diagnosed which bothers me but it is his call.

I met up with him yesterday for a couple of drinks and he told me he thinks he may have developed an hernia. He said he'd noticed a lump in his groin area when showering saying it's visible when compared to the other side. He says he will get it checked out at the GP's.

Hopefully it is an hernia but I couldn't stop my thoughts turning to the possibility that it may be a tumour.I didn't say this to him.

Is it possible for a tumour from the prostate to manifest in such a way ie so the lump is visible as he has described?

Thanks

Bri

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 04:17

Bri

I am so sorry that you have this anguish. I have not heard of a visible prostate tumour but of course that means nothing. However I have heard of other tumours being visible, tangible and in the groin area. It is also worth remembering that there are a lot of lymph glands in the groin area so any swelling there needs to be checked out professionally and quickly. It could of course be a hernia the most common course of groin pain and swelling and so easily treatable.

You know from your concern that any family history makes it so much more important to get checked. How to get your brother to do this is another matter. I guess all you can do is mention your concerns and why you have them and then let him decide how to proceed.

a tough call for you my friend so I hope you can talk your brother into seeking medical advice.

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 05:40

I agree with Edamo on this Brian.

On the other hand I've had first hand experience of trying to get a family member to check something out. If they don't want/are frightened to know, then you are probably bashing your head against the proverbial wall.

If you have a good relationship with him, perhaps you could emphasise how much better it would make YOU feel. Give you peace of mind about him while you are coping with your own cancer.

I wish you well with this. It is so frustrating to know that all somebody has to do is set the ball rolling.
To be told constantly, yeah, yeah, you're right, I'll do that and then nothing happens.

You can't live other peoples' lives for them .
Best Wishes

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 08:48

No Bri - prostate tumours do not make themselves known this way - the bladder would get in the way.

He knows about PCa but doesn't want to know whether he is affected. He is not alone, we have family and friends who take the same stance regarding their prostate, bowel, cervix and others for which there are fairly simple tests. For some, it is the certainty that they wouldn't choose to have treatment anyway so they ask themselves "what's the point of knowing"? Knowing details of how the diagnosis and treatment has affected you may have clarified in his mind that he would not go down the same route (or that he wouldn't be able to cope). I think you just have to accept that and stop stressing about the choices other people make.

Edited by member 06 Apr 2015 at 08:52 | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 11:14

Bri,

I agree with Lyn's comments.

When I was diagnosed one of the first things I did was to contact my younger brother ( 4 years younger ) and advise him to get checked out if he already hadn't done so...

He didn't appear to be interested or concerned, and to my knowledge still has not been checked....

He is an intelligent man ( unlike me http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-smile.gif ) and I can do no more....... the decision is his, and I no longer worry about it.

Best Wishes

Luther

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 12:08

Thanks all..In all liklihood it's probably an hernia then.

I'm not stressing about my brother. I stopped getting onto him about the PSA test some time ago now

But I do worry that he may have this wretched disease but be blissfully unaware ditto he may not have it.

Why do I worry...because he's my brother and I love him. Family is extremely important to me

Bri

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 12:36

Hi Bri

Years ago I used to be involved in identifying the need for life/ serious illness/ critical illness insurance policies and I would often speak to the man ( usually the breadwinner) about the fact that he was self employed earned say £30k, was married with 2 young kids and what would they do if something happened to him. Most ignored the advice, sadly many went on to wish they hadn't however if I sat in front of the husband and wife a very different outcome as the man may still not have been bothered but the wife certainly was so she would end up doing the selling for me !!!!

So whilst you don't want to fall out with your bro it may be worth bringing up when he is with his wife ( assuming he had one). For what it's worth my bro is 5 years older than me and when I was dx last year he went straight to the docs for a test, all fine however now he, his wife and I are all happier and no doubt exists. He will go back every year for a retest.

Kev

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 18:17

Hi Brian,

I do understand your concerns abacus your brother's health, but there has to be a point where you can allow yourself the option to stop fretting, even if you do not actually stop fretting? And that point may be where you have all that it is in your power to do. So, making brother aware, informing brother of potential consequences should the matter be as serious as you consider it maybe, and your's and your family's worries for brother.

From then on you and your family may have to set the worry to one side, acknowledge it, and accept that you can do no more about it? It is parked.

I too doubt that it is a symptom of PCa, but only from my limited knowledge and, thankfully even more limited experience.

Hope you all had a good weekend?

dave

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 22:48

Hi Bri,

Families ehh who would have them, it is a difficult call I so understand your worry as others have said it is probably a hernia and not related to pca but we want our loved ones to be safe and can only try and get the message across. I mention it as often as I possibly can to Trevor's eldest son, younger son's, nephews, friends partners, my brother , the milkman in fact anyone that stands still long enough. My thinking is maybe one day they might just listen and do it who knows , they may just do it to shut me up. I don't really care if I am boring them or annoying them. I just wish that some one had nagged me years ago and I would have nagged Trevor and maybe just maybe we wouldn't be where we are today, maybe we would have been in the cure camp.

Kev's point about talking to your brothers wife, (presuming he has one ) is a good idea. Then you can stand back and let her do the nagging http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-wink.gif.

BFN

Julie X

PS that Baby is adorable .

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 23:04

Women are usually far more proactive than men when it comes to possible health problems and indeed in researching health problems and treatment for husbands/partners. We see examples of this from members on this forum. So a feminine approach might get a better response. Though in all probability this lump may not be cancer, it would nevertheless be sensible to get it checked out and also to get a PSA test if your brother can be persuaded to have one.

Barry

User

Posted 06 Apr 2015 at 23:44

I have two brothers, Brian. My younger brother is 50 and from the outset of my diagnosis showed great concern about me and readily took my advice to get a test, which he did and for now he is fine. My elder brother struggles with discussing illness at all and he has been totally resistant to this kind of conversation. I cannot be my brother's keeper, no matter how much I love them. We are all responsible for our own decisions in the end and the most you can do is to make the facts available, encourage, cajole and advise but we all do things which are life limiting - smoking, drinking, no exercise, poor diet, drive too fast, vote conservative etc etc - that is the choice we have as individuals. You cannot do much more! Give yourself a break.

User

Posted 07 Apr 2015 at 09:26

Bri,

Other comments are right. You can't live someone else's life for you but I wholeheartedly understand your stance that he is family and of course you care. I spent years worrying about my Mum's excessive thinness and obsessive patterns of eating, she was diabetic. I'm sure I changed nothing for her but made myself even more nervous than usual. I am the sort of person who couldnt easily put these concerns aside, similarly with Neil who ignored any health testing and it was hard to get him to register with a GP when he moved in ! I found out that love and anger towards a person were often intermixed, the anger that they wouldn't do something that seemed so obvious to me and that I might have to pick up the pieces !!

You can only do so much so and offer to be available if your bro wants to talk then the door is always left open for him, so to speak...

Fiona. x

User

Posted 07 Apr 2015 at 19:13

Totally agree. I had a friend who died of kidney cancer a few years ago. He lived on his own and I'm sure he ignored symptoms before it was too late. A woman behind him might have got him treated earlier. The great shame was he was due to become Captain of my golf club less than 5 weeks later.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

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