Coping after the op

Dumpty, I am so sad to see your post. I do understand how hard he must be finding life after treatment - my husband was very distressed afterwards and for a very long time said that he would rather have died young than face a long life with the side effects. He doesn't feel that way now of course - life looks much brighter and most of the side effects have been resolved - but it was hard to see him so upset.

The thing is, being upset does not give your OH the excuse to take his anger out on you or his son. He has a right to say he doesn't want help - and no-one could make him seek that help - but perhaps you now need to put yourself and your son first, particularly if he is coming up to exam time. Perhaps you could say to him that you want to help him but it is not his choice anymore because you are being affected. You could also talk to your GP and tell him / her about how your husband is behaving, and you could talk to someone on the helpline (number at the top of this screen) for advice and support.

You don't say how angry he is - I think it is important to say to you that if there is any violence involved, you must seek help and not tolerate abusive behaviour. Domestic abuse does not have to be physical to be frightening and although it is commonly thought that stress and major life challenges can cause men to be abusive, this is a myth - most men cope with these shocks without taking it out on their families.

Your husband needs help. I generally cope with most things life throws at me, but I have no doubt that diagnosis and treatment before 50 is more psychologically damaging than for me at 61.

However, he has been given the chance of life beyond what might have happened with no diagnosis. He is risking losing much more if this behaviour continues. What was he like before diagnosis? How much has his behaviour changed? If he is unwilling to talk, seek help through your GP, Relate if necessary. You cannot be expected to be the butt of his frustrations and anger forever.

Paul

Hi

It really is sad to read this but it does show how this dx can effect us in different ways and how the emotional and mental wellbeing is all to often over looked by the people treating us.

I'm presuming your OH still has a scheduled appointment with the urologist....if so do you attend with him...does he discuss his worries at that appointment?

I know you have said he won't go for any help but would he be inclined to talk to men of his age who are in a similar situation or perhaps even worse. He could do that via this forum or through PCUK..There may be a support group local to where you live that he could join or a specialist nurse he could talk to.

I don't advocate abusive behaviour but he is clearly struggling with this. I just hope he will decide to talk to someone.

Bri

this was the point in my post when I said the emotional and mental well-being often get overlooked. If only it was that easy...unemployment figures would rise as counsellors, social workers etc are no longer required. He is obviously struggling to come to terms with his dx and the aftermath of treatment...if this is now affecting his wife and son, who I'm sure are trying to support him, then they have to make some decisions. But this guy clearly needs some help...whether he will accept that is another matter.

Bri