My Darling Husband- I NEED help!

Jade, I am not sure the Prostate cancer is the cause of your problems - from what you say he may have depression but it is the gout that is preventing him from doing the things he loves, not the cancer. If he has been diagnosed with early stage disease and offered curative treatment, has he started talking to you about which treatment he is leaning towards?

Honestly, I think you need to order the toolkit from this website and start reading - the more you understand the disease, the better you will handle him. From what you say, the only reason you might lose him is if he sticks his head in the sand and doesn't get treated! What have your sons had to say? Has their dad talked to them about whether and when they should also get tested?

if I could reach out and give you a big hug I would. This horrid disease does things to our loved ones that we could never imagine and the impact it all has on us can be devastating too.

First things first, your Husband is probably in a lot of significant pain from the gout, I have rheumatoid arthritis thankfully it is now in full remission but I can remember many times when it hurt so much I could cry and probably did. The frustration at not being able to hold onto a mug of tea or use a teacup if the handle was too small, not being able to pick things up and even worse finding it hard to even use loo paper was very hard to deal with. That in itself is enough to make a man grumpy.

To then be told the very frightening news that he has PCa must have been like a train hitting him full on. His immediate instinct was to protect you and your family through the Christmas you had all been looking forward to (he may have known he was in no mortal danger) was brave but for you it seemed like he was keeping a secret from you. Not telling you straight away may have actually made it harder for him now so he needs reassurance that what he did was OK, a little misguided but OK.

I guess now the hardest part is going to be to get him talking with you about everything he knows so far, also you being able to reassure him that you are there for him every step of the way. If he does not go to kiss you then step up and kiss him. If he does not hold you in the night then snuggle up to him or just hold his hand. Talk to him even if he doesn't talk back. If he goes off to bed early go with him it may be that he slowly starts to realise you are not running away from this. You may need to resort to the firmer approach but I hope that he will respond to you without that. If you really are getting nowhere is there a really good friend or even a Relate counsellor who could help. It is so critical that he involves you and that he sees you supporting him for his future mental and physical well being.

Allison has made a very valid point, he may be withdrawing because he can no longer get or maintain an erection his hormones will be all over the place and we know what that can do.So that will frighten him and challenge his masculinity and the last thing he would need is rejection because of it. This disease does this but it is not necessarily going to stay that way.

Is there a chance that he has been on the internet googling information that may be completely irrelevant in his particular case, there is stuff out there about advanced metastatic PCa and small cell aggressive PCa and all sorts of other things that can frighten the most Herculean men.

You mention that you do not want to get it in the neck so I presume that he sometimes retorts with angry words (nothing worse I hope) once again this can be hormones think of our worst ever times with PMS and you will have some idea of what is happening to him. I am not condoning this but he may genuinely not realise just how unbearable it is. It is also possible that the medical team have started him on some kind of hormone treatment if they have this might be making his mood worse.

He may not actually have clinical depression just a natural one considering all he is going through. As soon as he realises that that dark cloud is being lifted with someone else sharing and supporting him he may stat to slowly improve. His gout should also respond to medication although it can take a little while to get under full control. Try to ensure that you both treat the two things entirely separately at least until you get things stable.

follow the advice of others about learning up yourself via the toolkit it will be a great help going forward. Stay with us here and know that there are plenty of us here who can and will give you the support you need.

Best wishes

xx

Mo

We went to a hospital appointment a few days ago to discuss his treatment options and the doctor recommended going home and discussing the options together and but he doesnt want to talk about it. My sons have been brilliant so supportive. My youngest is currently working a lot so he hasn't seen his dad for a few weeks but he is bringing his wife and grandchildren up on the weekend to see him and they are going to watch the football so my son has said to me he will try and have a word with him in private.

And thank you for your reply

x

Hello Maureen.

He has a few close friends but they live a far way away, I think I am going to take him on a surprise trip to London for the weekend to see something in the west end and meet up with friend like we did in the good old das, maybe me go out for a girly day at a spa and send him out with the boy to play golf

best wishes

Jade

x

I was brought up in a family where issues were never discussed, but brushed under the carpet. I have been determined not to be so withdrawn which is why I am as open on here as it's possible to be in the hope it will help men like your husband to open up. I hope he comes round and faces honestly and openly what he is up against. In the end, I have found my PCa far easier to cope with by discussing the issues I have faced.

Paul