Hello Mirellen again.
Firstly you have every "right" to feel as you do, it's normal and natural, just as it is to wish that it is all a bad dream and that you'll wake up and life will be as it was before.
My own daughter had aggressive bowel cancer but survived.
While she was going through her treatment my sister's daughter,only four years older than mine, was diagnosed with lung cancer but didn't make it.
I felt such guilt that my daughter had survived and hers didn't. I visit my sister frequently as she has serious health issues of her own and we talk about her girl and laugh about different things that happened and I still feel that guilt because my daughter is still here to laugh with.
I can't control that feeling and yet there is no logical reason why I should feel it. My niece smoked heavily and had already had DVT problems
The despair you are currently feeling is partly because you have no control over the situation and this waiting to find out is one of the hardest things to go through and partly because all around you are people who are also suffering and you can do nothing about that. You are also offering emotional support to the rest of your family, especially a 12 year old who knows her friend will not survive.
None of us can wave a magic wand and make it better for you, or ourselves, come to that. We just have to do the best we can. Because you are supporting others it's easy to forget that you need support too.
If you don't have a good friend you can offload to, and want something other than us, then could you ask your GP to recommend counselling for a while to get you over this current hurdle. Talking really does help.
Try not to look at the gloomier aspects of your husband's attitude to his cancer because you and he haven't yet got all the facts. It does look serious but until you know you can't be certain.
You love him to bits and that makes it harder.
Could I be a little harsh here and tell you to point out to him that this isn't just about him is it. It's about doing the best he can for you and your young daughter and your son.
It may be that he is so caught up in what is happening to him that he hasn't thought about the rest of you. Easily done, after all, he is the one facing possible long term side effects of any treatment.
I know you would rather have him, warts and all, than not have him but it will be a hard job to convince him you'll love him no matter what happens in the future.
All your hopes and dreams are currently shattered but every milestone covered with treatment becomes the new normal.
Did you get the toolkit from here? Have you run any worries past the nurses on here, they are at least medical people you have direct access to without making an appointment at the GPs.
Try not to investigate online too much as some of the info will just not be relevant.
I do feel for you as do we all and to a great extent we have all felt what you are going through now so we do understand.