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Dad - not looking good

User
Posted 07 September 2015 15:52:08(UTC)

Paul

You and your family are in our thoughts.

Chris and Dawn 

Thanked 1 time
User
Posted 07 September 2015 17:52:07(UTC)

Once the initial sadness has passed Paul, I wish you the peace of mind of knowing that you did everything you could, nothing was left unsaid and no regrets.
Love Lyn xxx

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard


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User
Posted 07 September 2015 18:33:19(UTC)

At the moment, I have got my practical head on, although it does now possess a splitting ache, mainly due I think to lack of sleep last night. I am hoping a good night's rest will prepare me for all the admin over the coming days.

Thank you for all the supportive comments. They are much appreciated.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.
User
Posted 07 September 2015 19:56:07(UTC)

Condolences to you and your family Paul...

I am going through similar with my aunty...but she is clinging on..terrible to watch

Bri

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User
Posted 07 September 2015 20:55:55(UTC)
So sorry to hear your sad news Paul,.

Maureen
"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." A A Milne
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User
Posted 07 September 2015 21:18:20(UTC)
My condolences to you and family Paul
Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today
Avatar is northern lights whilst running in Iceland sept 2017
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User
Posted 07 September 2015 21:34:32(UTC)

My sincere condolences to you and your family.

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User
Posted 09 September 2015 08:04:05(UTC)

This is where it starts to get really hard. Mum rang earlier to say I hadn't told her dad had died. I tried to remind her of the undertaker's visit, the flowers and cards, and visits from friends. This is going to be harder than dealing with dad's death.

Still doing my best to....

Stay Calm And Carry On.
User
Posted 09 September 2015 19:46:18(UTC)
Hi Paul
My sincere condolences on the loss of your dad, RIP.

Regarding your mum, this was what my mother was like and for months we'd remind her that dad had died (she often said he'd run off with some woman!). It was truly awful to witness the shock on her face each time so after a while we stopped and told her he had gone to work and she would accept that. I don't know if your mum has a similar condition to my mum's (it was vascular dementia) and she was mainly happy as long as we kept the truth from her.

A really hard time for you Paul, I hope you find a way to make it easy on you all.

With my sincere condolences
Allison
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User
Posted 09 September 2015 20:05:47(UTC)

Hi Paul,

Sorry that you're having to cope with this too.

My mum has been in a dementia care home for a couple of months now but she is slowly getting worse all the time. 

She doesn't know of my illness and I don't intend telling her otherwise I suspect it would be like Allison said, I'd have to tell her again and again and upset her.

It's not what any of us wants to have to cope with, especially on top of everything else.

Wish I could help in some way, but all I can do is try to send you encouragement in my posts.

Take care.

Steve

 

Thanked 1 time
User
Posted 09 October 2015 23:56:12(UTC)

It's now over 3 weeks since dad's funeral, and dealing with his death has seemed much less emotionally painful than dealing with his dying. I have had my practical head on my shoulders dealing with mum, her memory loss which causes great difficulty, and all the issues that need attention after a death. I have also had a busy time socially, although not as much golf as I would have liked, but when I sit down in the evenings, I have just felt worn out, hence the lack of posts in the last 4 weeks.

Mum has been away with my brother and her younger sister this week, which has enabled me to deal with many of the practical matters. Another 2 weeks should see most loose ends tied up. My brother says she has not showered whilst away, and she hasn't at home either for some while. She wears the same clothes constantly, and her inability to plan and do what to most of us is a straightforward task is worrying. I feel she might not be able to stay at home for too much longer, but persuading her she needs more help will, I think, prove to be exceptionally difficult.

One issue has really annoyed me, and I would appreciate any feedback on this as I feel this could be a major issue for all of us.

My dad paid £3200 for a funeral plan in January, but the amount claimed back by the funeral director was £1200 less. Dad probably thought he was doing us a favour, but is it morally correct for a financial institution to take this kind of money off an 86 yo who is terminally ill, knowing what the cost would be substantially less? I just feel that this is the worst example of capitalism where a company has taken money and sold an inappropriate product regardless.

Thanks for any replies on this.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.
User
Posted 10 October 2015 07:19:20(UTC)

Paul arithmetic isn't my strong point but are you saying that the funeral cost was £2000 LESS than the funeral plan?

Surely if that is the case then the extra £2000 is returned to the estate of the deceased, isn't it?

Wouldn't it be some sort of fraud, it's certainly sharp practice.

What about you local Trading Standards or even the threat of it to the Funeral Director.
There must be something under the sale of goods and services act which will fit the bill.

I'm really sorry that you have this to contend with as well as the organising of everything.

£2000 (if I read it right) is not to be sniffed at. It would be a great help to your mum.

Perhaps you could write to the managing director and point out how bad the publicity would be if you went to a local paper.

Hope you manage to get it sorted anyway.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 10 October 2015 07:44:44(UTC)

Hi Paul , welcome back you've been missed . This has outraged me and feel you should get full recompense without it costing you much . But then again there is always the dreaded small-print grrr . Let us know how you get on.
Well done truly for coping so well
Chris




If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade
User
Posted 10 October 2015 10:29:09(UTC)

I think Sandra and Chris have misunderstood the situation.

Presumably your dad took out the funeral plan with an insurance / personal finance company so it will all depend on a) their terms & conditions and b) whether your dad disclosed that he was terminal.

Many of these plans are sold on the basis that no medical information is needed so the company will have done nothing wrong and were probably projecting the likely cost of a funeral in 5 or 10 years' time. When your dad took out the policy, I don't think he knew how ill he was, did he? I would go on their website and go through the pages as if you are applying for a funeral plan yourself - what questions do they ask? Depending on that, you might feel this was just unlucky or you might want to pursue with the company and with CAB at least.

Personally, I think the funeral director deserves a big pat on the pack for not inflating his price to take advantage of your situation.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard


User
Posted 10 October 2015 10:54:16(UTC)

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I think Sandra and Chris have misunderstood the situation.

Presumably your dad took out the funeral plan with an insurance / personal finance company so it will all depend on a) their terms & conditions and b) whether your dad disclosed that he was terminal.

Many of these plans are sold on the basis that no medical information is needed so the company will have done nothing wrong and were probably projecting the likely cost of a funeral in 5 or 10 years' time. When your dad took out the policy, I don't think he knew how ill he was, did he? I would go on their website and go through the pages as if you are applying for a funeral plan yourself - what questions do they ask? Depending on that, you might feel this was just unlucky or you might want to pursue with the company and with CAB at least.

Personally, I think the funeral director deserves a big pat on the pack for not inflating his price to take advantage of your situation.

 

Yes, I was discussing this with John this morning and it seemed so outrageous that we did come to the conclusion that Paul's dad took out some sort of plan in the past to cover up to £3500

I accept that leaves £2000 in the "pot" so it would seem that the funeral directors didn't do the usual insurance bumping up of prices to increase the costs, especially as they were paid upfront.

 

Or have I misunderstood that again?

 

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 10 October 2015 12:07:26(UTC)

Yes I think so Sandra. Pot was £3200, funeral cost £2000, funeral director puts in his invoice which is claimed back from the finance company. It is the finance company that ends up with the spare £1200 not the funeral director. I think you are confusing prepaid funerals (which people pay the funeral director for) and funeral plans (which you pay an insurance company for).

Either way, it worries me that some old people panic and take out these policies - most people have at least enough in their legacy to cover a decent burial but the thought (myth?) of a pauper's grave terrifies the older generation :-(

But I could be wrong about sf2's dad's policy

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard


User
Posted 10 October 2015 14:27:32(UTC)

The cost of the funeral was just over £2k that the policy paid for. What I would like to know is what question were asked, what advice he was given.

He knew he was terminal as he'd arranged the anniversary meal in August although the end may have come slightly quicker than expected.

I have asked my aunt to ring up to see what she is asked and what advice is offered. My guess is they'll try and take your cash whatever, although I may be doing them a disservice. As Lyn says all credit to the funeral directors. If they'd charged £500 more I would not have been so perturbed. I'll certainly be doing more digging and maybe approach a national paper as I'm sure many terminally ill people have been taken for a ride. I think we'll be hearing g a lot about the activities of these companies in the coming months /years.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.
User
Posted 10 October 2015 15:14:26(UTC)

But probably in January when he took out the policy he was thinking that the treatment was going okay.

I am so sad for you that you have all this to deal with. However, looking at the Which? guide to funeral plans, it seems your dad got quite a good deal and it perhaps was worth the extra money for him to have peace of mind, knowing that he had left arrangements in place so that your mum wouldn't have to do anything. It was something less for him to worry about.

Your situation and frustration is a good prompt for us all perhaps to talk to our elderly relatives and reassure them that they don't need plans like these to get a good send off.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard


User
Posted 29 October 2015 00:32:55(UTC)

Lyn

I'm now trying to catch up with everyone. I am close to getting on top of all admin matters but this is something I am determined to publicise. Seniors day at the golf club tomorrow. I will try and find the experiences of others. I am still convinced my dad should have been told this plan was not suitable in his situation.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.
User
Posted 29 October 2015 01:36:26(UTC)

All financial arrangements should be carefully considered before being entered into. There was a time when there was an advantage in taking out some funeral prepayment as it took money that would reduce the liability for Inheritance Tax. However, with the higher IT allowance now, this will affect fewer people.

Barry
 
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