My Dad keeps getting blocked...help!!

User

Posted 23 Jul 2016 at 21:09

Hi Chris,

I have followed your journey for quite some time and just want to add my condolences to your family . There is no right and wrong way to grieve the book hasn't been written . If you have read any of my posts you will know that my sense of humour is legendary , if you want to make others laugh then so be it . The only way to handle grief is the way you handle grief it is so personal . I would just say keep on being you.

My thoughts are with you

BFN

JulieX

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 24 Jul 2016 at 21:45

Hope you don't mind me sharing, but the link below shows my lovely dad doing what he did best and that was talking a lot. This was for St Helena Hospice. My dad Geoff is sitting on the left as you watch

https://youtu.be/2vEkkNuDGJA

User

Posted 24 Jul 2016 at 22:02

Thanks so much for sharing. How lovely to see your dad and his fellow sufferers chatting. I especially loved the bit where one of them says, "we talk trivia and other stuff". That's what day hospice is all about. Also them talking about playing with a balloon made me smile out loud!

Keep your happy memories and I think with this short video, you will have done loads for the case for using a Hospice before the end comes too close. We have used our day hospice and it was a life saver when John was so poorly a couple of years back.

Much love

Devonmaid xxx

User

Posted 24 Jul 2016 at 22:13

Thank you for sharing.

He (they) look like they've enjoyed each others company and gained a lot in the process

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We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 24 Jul 2016 at 22:17

As Viv said, you have done your Dad proud ! Now time to look after yourself, dont be afraid to grieve and let your emotions out especially after holding it together for so long. Sending my love and condolences,

Fiona. x

User

Posted 25 Jul 2016 at 06:51

Chris,

Thank you for posting the link. Great to have seen both the friendship and positive attitude shown by your Dad and others.

Take good care of yourself and have a cry whenever you wish to. You've been through a lot and were obviously very close to your Dad. No father could have had a better son.

John

User

Posted 25 Jul 2016 at 21:41

Today I came back to Colchester with my wife and children to see mum and nanny.

My daughter Emily 9 is really upset as she had a special bond with grandad.

I went with mum and brother to the hospice today and of course they were lovely and gave us some forms etc.

We are registering dads death on Wednesday which was recorded as Prostate cancer.

The funeral directors came to mums and we choose a coffin, she asked if dad was to wear anything special.... My brother suggested a toga!!!!

There's still plenty of humour!

She said she would give him a shave and do his hair, we suggested a perm.... She doesn't know he's pretty much bald.

Have been sitting quietly tonight with mum and my wife and we still find it difficult to believe dads gone.

Sometimes I'm fine and I think things are okay, then when it's quiet and I think whats happened I just feel so sad my dads not around I really can't believe it.

Anyway mums camping in the garden with my children William 6 and Emily 9 tonight which she'll regret at 6am

We have chosen Fly me to the moon by Frank Sinatra as dads exit music and a song Adele sung make you feel my love which the nurse sang whilst playing the piano the day dad floated away.

We've chosen sun flowers for his coffin and we are going to take pots from his garden with flowers and line them up as you enter the church.

Dad said I gave him and mum lots of laughs so I just need to make sure I do him justice at the service.... I like an audience but this might be a hard one to crack!

Thanks for reading

Chris

User

Posted 25 Jul 2016 at 22:10

Chris sorry to,hear of your great loss, it was good that you were all with him at the end.

You have said that you have not shed a tear yet and I can equate to that as when my mother passed away, after her battle with lung cancer, I felt the need to be strong for my brothers and my step father as we were with her at the end in the hospice and I did not cry until about three months after. I fought the tears at her funeral, I wanted to cry but forced myself not to, I look back now and wish I had let go of my emotions sooner.

Make time for yourself to grieve but at the same time I am sure you will be supportive for all of your family.

Thanks for the lovely sentiments written from the heart. Your dad must have been so proud of you and I am sure Your mum is too.

My thoughts are with you all at this time of sadness.

Chris/Woody

Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint

User

Posted 25 Jul 2016 at 22:43

Chris,

Absolutly love your choice of music for your dad, I often end my posts with a song and I think it says so much about the people we are. Your dad would be so proud of you . Perhaps more than most I somehow get your emotions , it is ok to find humour in such sad circumstances it doesn't mean you are not hurting . Honestly I think your dad knows your personality and would be so proud and so happy with you just being you.

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 25 Jul 2016 at 22:45

You sound like a chip off your dad's block.

Don't worry about the funeral and how it will go. I'm sure you'll all be there, being strong for your mum and each other.

Death isn't the end. Dad might not be there physically but he'll pop up time after time I know from experience.

Next time you hear that Adele song on the radio it will take your breath away and make you sad, but it will also make you think of your dad and how special he was.

There are always sad memories to go with the happy/glad ones. There isn't anything we can do about that except bear them when they happen. It does get easier over time, really it does. That sharp pain becomes less sharp, more of a dull ache. Eventually you will be able to think of your dad with sadness but no pain.

Your little girl will need special support. Our grandson found my father's death very traumatic. Perhaps have a word with her school and warn them. I know it's currently the holidays but she'll grieve for a while yet. Does the school have a counsellor, most seem to these days.

Stay strong for a little while longer. Grieve when you can

Best Wishes to all of you

Sandra

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We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 26 Jul 2016 at 12:07

Had some lovely news this morning, the nurse I watched singing the Adele song in the Hospice has been picked up and gone viral. Hopefully the link below works

Its all brought a smile to our faces

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/hospice-nurse-adele-piano-sings_us_57946573e4b02d5d5ed1e361?ncid=tweetlnkushpmg00000067

User

Posted 26 Jul 2016 at 18:55

I first heard this song on Gareth Malone's Military wives programme (CD) and it is one of my favourites. It's my ironing music!!

Not only is that hospice lucky to have such a nurse but their recognition of her is wonderful too. Music has charms to sooth the savage beast and it also soothes those whose lives need meaning.

I'm going to post the link to my facebook page.

We have had a lot of cancer in our lives, my grandson, my daughter, my husband , my niece (who died in a wonderful hospice) so I am sure our friends will want to know that there are still kind caring and supportive people working in care homes and hospices.

Thank you for the link

Sandra

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Edited by member 26 Jul 2016 at 18:56 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 29 Jul 2016 at 07:48

It's been a few days since I last posted. I came home with my family on Thursday as mum needs some space.

The more time I've spent at home it has started to sink in. I know its really obvious and I've probably said it before but its difficult to comprehend that he really has gone.

I know time is a great healer and he's with me in spirit but its the small things you take for granted.

Without knowing it until now my dad was the person I sought approval from, I might of tidied my garage and sorted stuff in the garden and I would call him to say what I'd done.

He was always telling me to build a workbench at the back of my garage for my tools and I kept telling him my shelving was enough.... He never got that!

Thank-you for listening I just have these things going on in my head so I'd rather get them out

Thanks

Chris

User

Posted 29 Jul 2016 at 08:37

Listening is what we are really good at Chris.

Platitudes like time heals do have value because they are true but you haven't had that time yet. It will come.

The fact that you always told your dad what you had achieved tells us that he meant a lot to you.

I'm sure he was very proud of you and if he's looking down now he will be giving you a thumbs up for the care you've shown your mother and for the way you have coped so far.

At some stage it will really hit you. Accept it when it happens, as part of the grieving process and don't ever see it as a sign of weakness. It isn't

Thinking of you

Sandra

*******

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 30 Jul 2016 at 11:25

I too find this site helpful to share my feelings. At least the people here really do understand.

So are you going to build the workbench now? David always used to complain about my 'hoarding' ( well he never saw any of those programmes about real hoarders). So I've spent the last 4 months gradually going through every cupboard, drawer, shed etc to clear out the rubbish. In the back of my mind I'm thinking 'he will be so pleased' in the present tense. Last night I just couldn't sleep and all of a sudden the thought hit me that he really is gone and will never be back or see what I've done. It's a hard journey but there are good times too. Just take your time and go with the flow.

User

Posted 30 Jul 2016 at 21:18

Chris,

I am sure your dad is still giving his approval you just can't hear him , listen hard and I am sure he will be still telling you you to build that work bench . Dads are always right .

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 06 Aug 2016 at 09:27

Well yesterday was dads big day!

This beautiful church was packed the sun was shining.

Service wasn't until 1pm so I walked around in circles all morning

Got to mums about 11 and the caterers were in, we had lovely canapés prepared.

I pulled together about 250 photos and had them playing through the TV so there were some brilliant memories for people to share in.

The one thing I was dreading was waiting for dad to arrive.

He turned up in a lovely silver hearse with a huge spray of sun flowers. I think following my dad with my family to the church was awful.

The vicar greeted us at the church and said to mum that all Geoffs friends are waiting for him....how nice to say that.

We followed dad in to the Adele song we heard the nurse sing in the hospice and after the hymns and prayers it was show time.

I stood up with my two brothers for the eulogies.

I said I'd take one for the team and go first.... My opening line, I just turned to dad and said at least I won't get interrupted!!!!

After that it pretty much was a stand up act from me and my brothers and we had a perfect balance of laughter and stumbling over lines as we came to the hard stuff.

I absolutely loved doing it and I was determined to get the laughter in the church. People afterwards said they wanted to stand and give us a standing ovation.

We went to the crematorium for a short service then headed to mums house.

The garden was packed people drinking wine and being served canapés

It was a brilliant day followed by a bbq at the end for the remaining few.

My 9 year old daughter Emily stole the show, she had written a beautiful speech about her grandad. She stood in the middle of 80 adults and they listened in absolute silence as she brought many to tears.

I don't know where she gets it from!!!!

Thank-you for your support

Chris

User

Posted 06 Aug 2016 at 09:36

Chris

Sounds like it was a wonderful send off. Take care.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 26 Oct 2016 at 21:45

Hi everyone

Feeling a bit tearful this evening

It's been a few months since Dad died, we celebrated his birthday and we cooked his favourite foods.

Mum's busy doing lots of things visiting people, going out with a friend in her village to cinema etc.

I know this sounds strange but mum is off doing stuff and I like talking about Dad and it just feels like life is going on as usual. I just want mum to say she is missing him....i know she is I guess it's that I feel he should be in our conversations ....or that I want him to be

I just have this big void and I really miss talking to him

Thank you for listening

Chris

User

Posted 26 Oct 2016 at 22:23

So sad for you but the fact is that the grief of a partner is completely different to the grief of a sibling, parent, son or daughter. You may be at a stage where you are able to talk about dad but for mum it may simply be far too raw still. Coping and busying and filling time is a good way to avoid all the hurt and sadness, or at least to put it away until she is on her own.

It is important that you support each other but perhaps for now, mum's need to protect herself is more overwhelming than her need to help you. Keep talking about him to other family members, friends etc and mum will hopefully come to a stage where she can also have those conversations. If you have a hospice nearby, they often have drop-ins where people can go and talk.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 27 Oct 2016 at 22:51

I think Lyn's right. I tend to keep myself pretty busy and meet up with friends several times a week. I'm ok when I'm out with people - it's when I'm home on my own that the loneliness hits. I would actually like my kids to talk more about their dad but I think that because it brings on my tears they avoid it. But I actually find the tears quite therapeutic. I had a long drive with one of my sons this week, we did talk quite a lot and I did tell him how lonely it is. But I am now 7 months on. I am going away with my daughter next week for 10 days so hopefully we will talk properly but she is very much her father's daughter and a tough nut to crack!

I have just started seeing a counsellor and am finding it helpful to be able to talk freely without worrying about anyone else's feelings. Do take care x

User

Posted 28 Oct 2016 at 19:59

Thank-you for your responses

I know you are all right

I just miss not talking with dad about nothing if that makes sense

I cleaned my garage out other day, it's that type of thing that I would of proudly told dad

It's all very silly but thats life

Chris

User

Posted 22 Jul 2017 at 11:34

A year has now passed since my dad Geoff died.

He has left a huge void in all of our lives and we have all dealt with this in the family very differently. Both my brothers have and are struggling and find it difficult to openly talk about dad.

Mum has done loads, been on holiday a few times on her own and has booked a holiday to India in 2018 with a friend. I speak very openly about dad and me, mum and my wife laugh at the silly things that we knew he would do if he was still around.

However, as I was chatting with mum the other day it is really difficult to believe he is still not here and as much as we muddle on, underneath we all miss him dearly.

I'm doing my bit for PC UK and will be helping them with some filming at the hospice about the wonderful singing nurse Emma Young and how great St Helena Hospice was so I guess thats my way of giving therapy to myself.

Thankyou for reading

Chris

User

Posted 22 Jul 2017 at 13:27

Hello Chris

Thank you for the update.

I know how hard it is to lose a loved one and how, even after many years, a stray something - a song on the radio - a TV programme etc - can instantly bring back the memories and the laughter (and the tears)

You'll hang on to those feelings for ever because nothing can change them.

The place in your heart where your dad was is still there. The time will come perhaps when your brothers can talk about him and smile and the pain will be easier. It doesn't go away it just becomes more bearable.

Well done with your continued work for PC UK.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 02 Feb 2018 at 18:37

Hi All

its been a while that I have been on here but I wanted to share with you my story below of my experiences of using this online forum and how the singing nurse came to the attention of Prostate Cancer UK because of this.

As a result Emma has been awarded the first standing ovation award by Prostate Cancer UK.

Many Thanks

Chris

https://prostatecanceruk.org/about-us/news-and-views/2018/1/son-thanks-singing-nurse-for-moments-of-magic-in-his-dad-s-last-hours

User

Posted 02 Feb 2018 at 18:59

That's brilliant Chris. Thanks for sharing.

What a lovely nurse

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

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