Wife struggling to cope

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 07:15

Hello first time on site, husband 51 has pc found by chance due to water infection. He is positive considers himself lucky I've gone to pieces so very scared. Psa 9.6, Gleason 7 due to have operation 29 dec. Know we can cope with side effects but so scared of losing him. Am getting help on anti depressants and referred for counselling. Can't think of anything else other than this all the time. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 09:02

Hi Jayne

So sorry that you find yourself on this site, but very glad that you have found your way here, there are a lot of men myself included who were or are in exactly the same situation as you and your other half.

I too was 51 when diagnosed completely by chance last year. Twelve months on and who would have thought it! Cancer free, coping with the side effects of having had surgery but luckily for me I haven't had to have any further treatment for the cancer, just regular checks to make sure all is good.

There will be others that will come along and give you their support as well as hopefully giving you inspiration and hope for the future. If like a number of us the cancer has been caught early enough, then the future is bright. Even if the cancer is a little more advanced you will see from others on the site, that it can be controlled for many years to come, so whilst it is easy to sit here and say all will be ok, hopefully you can see for yourself that once the initial diagnosis and treatment is underway, it becomes easier to get your head around it all.

Wishing you and your other half all the very best.

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 09:21

Good morning Jayne and welcome to the site.

I am another wife. That first diagnosis is horrifying and very very frightening. The word cancer alone is enough to scare the pants of us all BUT it is no longer the scary word it used to be.

As Trevor says, on this site there are many couples in your situation and others will definitely be along to offer their support but in the meantime try and stay positive about the long term future. There is one I assure you. You don't mention any spread so I am assuming that the cancer is confined to the prostate so the operation is designed to take it all.

If at some stage in the future they discover that a stray cell or two has returned then there are a number of further treatments that are effective and available to him. That is an "IF" by the way so don't start worrying about that at this stage.

Let's get your other half through the operation and I am sure with your love and support he will be fine.

You say that he is being positive about it and that you have already discussed the possible side effects and the fact that you can live with those. Like the "F" above it is not a definite that he will suffer those side effects in a major way in the long term. What he will need is you to be focussed on helping him recover. Like most of our husbands I expect he is worrying about you worrying about him.

The best way to help yourself is to come to us and ask for help with questions and worries. It really is what we do best.

We are each others' shoulders to lean on. You are no longer alone with your fears and imagination getting the better of you.

You have already sought help from your GP and that is good but come to us with anything else. Somebody is bound to have experienced what you want to know.

Best Wishes

Sandra

Edited by member 14 Dec 2015 at 17:38 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 09:58

Hi Jayne,

You have come to the best place on this site. Lots of ladies in the same predicament. Early in the diagnosis there is bound to be lots of uncertainty and yes, it is terrifying, one's first reaction is often to assume a partner will die. Depending on the spread or type of PCa, there are lots of treatments and possible outcomes. Many men here are surviving years and years after diagnosis, wont guarantee it's easy but there is hope. Pleas keep posting, there will be plenty of people along to encourage you !!

Fiona. xx

Edited by member 14 Dec 2015 at 09:58 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 10:01

Jayne,

Forgot to mention, the Specialist nurses provided by PCUK are excellent, I phoned them sevral times during my partners illness, they are there to listen and support as is the Macmillan Helpline so would suggest contacting them if you are feeling low.

Fiona. x

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 12:57

Dear Jayne

There are lots of wives on here ( like me) who know exactly how scared and vulnerable that you are feeling now.

The first few months after diagnosis is so frightening and things feel out of your control.

There is little further advice that I can give additional to what has been said above, you just have to get through it, and you will. It is not easy but there is hope. If your OH is having a RP the doctors must think that there is a chance of cure, so cling to this thought.

Yes there will be tough days, especially around the operation, and at this time of year, it makes it that much more difficult. My OH op was on 29 Dec 2011 and in hindsight it would have been better if done in January for lots of reasons, but not sure if you are able to change dates just like that? And you may not want to.

Good luck and be strong looking forward to the new Year with your lovely Hubbie.

Alison

Edited by member 14 Dec 2015 at 12:58 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 17:19

Thank you do you mind me asking were your grades and psa similar. Really pleased that you are so well it gives me some hope.

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 17:22

Thank you glad to know there is support been very lonely past few weeks.

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 17:25

Thank you.

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 17:28

Thank you really appreciate any advice.

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 17:34

Welcome Jayne! You've made a great move in finding this site, you'll find loads of support and answers to all the questions you'll have along the way.

I'm a wife who's just two months ahead of you in this process - my OH had his RRP on 27 October, aged 58, Gleason 7, PSA 11. A friend of the same age rang him the night before his op, having had the open procedure 20 years ago, and his words proved true: the first week or so is horrid but that time passes and things steadily improve.

We've seen the consultant today, the cancer was contained and has gone and my OH is almost 100% continent now. We stayed close to home for 6/7 weeks, being warm and cosy (a good way for you to pass the cold months of January and February) and having friends and family popping in to say hello and break up the days.

Life feels scarey for you right now, completely understandably, but just try to take deep breaths and take things one step/day at a time. Your husband is in the safest of hands, the treatment is incredibly effective and hopefully it'll feel no time at all before life gets back on track for you both.

Best wishes

Lesley

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 18:21

Thanks Lesley it really helps hearing similar stories, so pleased that your husband is on road to recovery.

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 20:17

Hello Jayne. I'm just over 12 months in front of you. Our numbers are similar- oh was 57, Gleason 9, psa 9.2. Oh found his by accident too, and you and I are the same age

My oh had RRP on Dec 1st last year. It's been a bit of a rocky road, but we're getting there. He has had some continence issues, which are improving, and has ed, which is under treatment at the moment. However, he is cancer free. Hopefully!

Some words of advice.

Get the toolkit from this site.

Try and stay away from Dr Google. If you need further info, ask someone on here

Just because my OH, or someone else has a particular side effect, or got continent quickly, (or didn't) or had pain, it doesn't mean that's how it will pan out for you.

There is no normal. Only normal for you. Don't be ruled by other's experiences. Listen. Be glad for people who are in a better position, or who have fewer side effects. Feel sorry about those who are in a worse position than you. And there are many.

It's a scary place to be. Try and take strength from the other stories on the site.

Louise x

Edited by member 14 Dec 2015 at 20:19 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 14 Dec 2015 at 21:05

Thank you felt a bit more settled this evening after weeks of feeling on own. Encouraging husband to join as has some questions too. Good to know not on own.

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