Are we coming to the end?

User

Posted 16 Apr 2016 at 19:50

Rosy ,

I trust your few days away had the desired effect and recharged your batteries. I hope everything goes as well as can be expected on Monday and just to let you know we will be thinking of you and your family. As I said before you do not have to be strong for the sake of others.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 17 Apr 2016 at 10:45

I hope rosy that you and your family have found time for yourselves and each other whilst you have been away, just wanted to let you know thinking of you tomorrow. Jx

User

Posted 22 Apr 2016 at 02:52

Well the funeral was on Monday and I think we gave David a good send off. My son and daughter were amazing, both were bearers and both spoke, giving heartfelt but also funny, tributes to their dad. There was a brilliant turn out with about 15 ex colleagues from the Met and more from his recent part time jobs attending. I think he would have been very touched by all the tributes especially as he was very quiet about his own achievements. I always suspected that he was very well thought of and it was lovely to hear that this really was the case. We have raised about £1300 so far (still rising) to be shared between PCUK and the local hospice.

I did not go away in the end but have been out and about with friends. My daughter leaves to start a new job in 10 days and I will go away then. I have had people around almost constantly and haven't really had much time to think. I think I am still in denial - it really hasn't sunk in yet that he has really gone. Once my daughter has gone I think being 'home alone' will hit hard. In the meantime I'm doing alot of clearing out (none of his personal things as yet) as I always feel more in control of my life if I am organised.

Next I will have to consider returning to work - I think I will give it a try with the condition that I can retire early if I want to. I had no idea that if your spouse dies before normal retirement age you are entitled to bereavement benefit and bereavement allowance! At least this will give me a bit of flexibility if I decide not to remain in my job. So many decisions but I will bide my time before making any big ones.

Rosy

Edited by member 22 Apr 2016 at 03:08 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 22 Apr 2016 at 06:45

hi rosy
a great send off by the sound of things, if you can stick with us on here we all want to be their for you now and in the future, a break away sounds a good plan, don't rush into to getting rid of Davids things we did that when MIL passed, regretted it eversince
you just take your time lass and bugger everyone else

regards
nidge

run long and prosper
'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 22 Apr 2016 at 06:51

Rosy,

As Nidge has said, stay with us if you can, loads of folk are here for you. I'm glad you were able to give David a good send off on Monday. I was thinking of you then.

John

User

Posted 22 Apr 2016 at 07:28

I'm glad it went well and it sounds like your children were very brave and proud of their dad. Find some time for yourself obviously , but overall keeping busy is a good medicine. Stay strong
Chris xx

User

Posted 22 Apr 2016 at 15:03

So glad all went well for you and the family. Take your time over the next steps - no rush. Just remember you are a woman of courage who has trod a path with dignity and been very brave. I raise a glass to you Rosy and If you choose to stay on-line with this group I feel sure your knowledge and understanding will help others'. Take care x jackie

User

Posted 22 Apr 2016 at 16:29

Rosy

Pleased to hear things went well on Monday, I was thinking of you and raised a glass to David's memory. We are all here for you and even when you are home alone you will still have us on here to help and send the blanket if required. Take care of yourself.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 22 Apr 2016 at 19:02

I'm also pleased that it went well Rosy, it's the best you can ask for isn't it?

We haven't known you long but we have taken you to our hearts Rosy. Thinking of you.
Love Devonmaid xxxxx

User

Posted 23 Apr 2016 at 00:39

You have to laugh or you would cry at Government departments! I have transferred ownership of David's car to me by filling in the correct form and explaining why he was unable to sign the form. The DVLA had already been informed that he had died. I received the new logbook today with a note reminding me to pay for the tax as the previous owner would be refunded in line with the new system.

Having paid the tax for him in February from our joint account this seemed madness, but after a phone call I was told a refund cheque was in the post and that I would have to pay it afresh. So I paid again from the same bank account and when the post arrived there was the cheque - made out to David. There was also a separate letter to him telling him that he was no longer the registered owner! I really don't think he minds!

So having already changed the bank account to just my name, I had a cheque that I couldn't pay in as it wasn't in my name. Finally I spoke to the Nat West bereavement team and have sent the cheque to them and they will pay it in. It all seems a bit of a farce to me...

The final piece of mail was from the funeral home to say that David's ashes were ready for collection. Luckily my BIL was happy to come with me as I didn't want to do that on my own. So David now resides on a shelf in the wardrobe which feels so sad. He asked me to take his ashes to wherever I decide to move to eventually and to scatter them somewhere I would visit regularly. It will be a while before I decide where to move to, so poor David will be in the wardrobe for quite a while. But in a funny sort of way it was a comfort to be able to hold something that was him.

Thank you for all the kind comments - I will certainly carry on visiting this forum as I want to know how all of you are doing.

Rosy

User

Posted 23 Apr 2016 at 08:32

Rosy, now why does that not surprise me about anything connected to the government? A massive unbending juggernaut that wants everything their way and according to the book but are so inflexible with the simplest of request. How many people die each day or week and how many times do they have to go through the same unbending procedure, so time and money wasting(let alone heartless) surely some person within the department can see this, come up with the solution, put it to the powers that be and change it to a simpler answer. That person would get a few extra brownie points, promotion, pay rise but still save the us the taxpayers millions.

Stay in touch with us all and hope wherever you move to will still be a happy place

Regards Chris/Woody

Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint

User

Posted 23 May 2016 at 22:44

I was sitting here feeling very sorry for myself this evening but then I read Mo's posts which give me some hope that things will get better.

I went for a few days to Cornwall as I had promised myself. It was nice but also very sad to have no-one to share it with. Eating alone in hotels is not fun! My last night I bought a ready made pasta salad and sat on a beach with it which was better.

Since returning I've had a prospective neighbour start disputing a boundary which has been in place for the 27 years we've lived in this house. He has been quite aggressive about it, telling me to get a surveyor and solicitor, but luckily my BIL has taken it on and told the man to leave me alone and deal with him. I am accessing proof that we have had that land for so long that hopefully he will have no argument. But it's been very upsetting especially right now.

Also BT have managed to 'lose' both my email addresses and all the emails in them which include all the messages of condolence. This has been going on for 2 weeks now - I have spent about 12 hours so far on the phone to them with no luck so far. I don't usually get emotional but I did end up sobbing down the phone to one man (they are all from call centres abroad and don't seem to engage very well) but it hasn't done any good.

Today I went back to work for the first time in 7 months. It took me 3 hours to get there due to worse than normal M25 issues! I felt very wobbly and couldn't wait to leave early, as I'm on a phased return.

Still - tomorrow is another day. My brother is coming over to help me with some jobs in the garden.

My best friend came for the weekend. My sister stayed last week so I wasn't alone on my birthday, and my son took me out for the day on Friday. My daughter is half way across the world with her new job but Skypes regularly. So I must be grateful for all the friends and family who are supporting me right now. But I do miss David.

Rosy

Edited by member 23 May 2016 at 22:46 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 23 May 2016 at 23:21

Oh Rosy, after reading that, I miss David as well!

First, it was massively brave to go away that first time on your own - and now you have done it and survived so you will know better what to expect next time.

Second, if he is a prospective neighbour then I think the onus is on him to prove the boundary is wrong, not you to prove it is right. I hope your BIL told him he needs to instruct a solicitor - you are not under any obligation to provide him with information and it is the seller that he should be asking.

Third, the lost emails - if the worst comes to the worst, you could simply spread the word that all is lost and ask your friends to resend from their outboxes. No-one will think that is weird.

I can't offer you any comfort about the M25 - motorways and business travel are the bane of my life and I think 'wobbly' is a perfectly reasonable reaction.

Finally, I know there is no point saying I hope you had a happy birthday as of course, you didn't. But I do hope that it was as nice a day as possible and filled with memories of happier birthdays in the past.

Keep going lovely - it might not feel like it but you are doing great x

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 23 May 2016 at 23:21

R

Sorry to hear you are having problems, I know from experience neighbour problems can be a nightmare.

Hope things improve, thinking of you.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 23 May 2016 at 23:22

Oh Rosy, you post touched me so much.
Take care.
Leila X

User

Posted 23 May 2016 at 23:34

Hi Rosy,

Just wanted to say I wish I could help you in some way.

You have many friends on this site and in a small way, hopefully, it helps to know that we're here for you.

It's awful that you have had trouble with the neighbour, some people can be horrible at times when you feel at your most fragile. It's comforting to find out there are far more nicer people in this world than bad people.

I hope things start to get easier for you in the coming months.

Take care.

Steve x

User

Posted 24 May 2016 at 06:38

Rosy,

Why are some people so difficult ? Neighbours should be kind and caring. Good luck in resolving the dispute and I'm glad you have help for this.
Returning to work can be daunting but it will give you a chance to have some structure to your life. Being amongst other people can be good too. I was lucky in that I had very supportive colleagues and friends there too.

Don't forget we are here for you as well.

Stay strong ,

John

User

Posted 24 May 2016 at 07:04

So sorry for you Rosy.
Shame we all don't live round the corner and then we'd be around to help out. Stay strong
Chris

User

Posted 24 May 2016 at 07:18

Hi Rosy it's goood that you are " getting on with your life" but the hassle with potential new neighbour would have me selling my place double quick if he moves in, who needs anus's like him next door?

ChrisJ wouldn't that be nice being virtual neighbours and popping in to help everyone as and when they need it.

Stay strong and positive Rosy if you can have you thought about going to some sort of group / activity to keep yourself occupied? I know it will not replace David but it may help with the loneliness.

Thinking of you

Chris/Woody

Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint

User

Posted 24 May 2016 at 08:43

hi rosy
it saddens me to think about the issue with the so called new next door neighbour but must agree with lyn its up to them to sort with the seller
it might be good to make a fresh start, we have in last few months and not regretted it, but its hard leaving behind a big part of your life, but if the so called new neighbour is looking to cause problems now what may they be like later
getting back to work will help but like everything else will take time
you take good care of yourself

regards
nidge

run long and prosper
'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 24 May 2016 at 09:05

How nice it is to have all this support - thank you!

I will be moving at some point but not yet - it's too early to do it now. What I don't want is the potential for a boundary dispute when I do come to sell.

So I have asked the council for the plans they approved in the early 1990s which demonstrate that we had the disputed land then. I am also going to contact the solicitors who did our conveyancing in 1989 to see if that shows exactly what we bought. I think it's best to be forearmed! And my BIL is going to do all the communication with these idiots so I don't have to.

User

Posted 24 May 2016 at 16:13

Oh Rosy, what a horrible nightmare.

I echo all that has been said especially doing anything in a hurry.

My sister lost her husband 18 months ago and had his ashes in a fancy box next to the bedroom doorstop and although she said anyone else would think she was nuts she still said goodnight to him every night. It gave her comfort and that's what mattered.

When she was ready she placed some of the ashes in the base of a large fancy garden pot and planted a beautiful shrub on top. The rest of the ashes were sprinkled where ever they had spent happy times, including the grandchildren placing a little at the wave edges for the sea to carry away, as the sea was a big part of his life. It also helped the children, especially the littlest ones, to come to terms with granddad going away.

Whatever seems right to you is all that matters.

Try not to get too involved with the possible new neighbour. We had a boundary dispute with a neighbour for a few years and it was horrible. All resolved now but we both steer clear of conversations about the fence!!

Keep strong, keep busy, keep us in your thoughts whenever you are down. You know that we will all do what we can to lift you.

All the best

Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 24 May 2016 at 16:38

Hello Rosy,

Sorry for your loss.

Regarding the prospective neighbour and the dispute, is he a "prospective neighbour' as in looking to buy the house next door to you?

If so, any dispute he has or thinks he has, is with your current neighbour, the vendor. Nothing to do with you.

hopefully he will leave you alone when your BIL points this out to him?

dave

Edited to add: re your neighbour/prospective neighbour, if you want him to stop bothering you personally then you or your BIL can send him a letter telling him that if he wants or needs to communicate with you at all about the boundary issue, from the date of the letter, you require him to do so in writing, via your nominated party, in this case your BIL. I would send 2 copies by 1st Class registered post. They will be deemed to have been received within 3 days I believe?

You can also say that you consider that his aggressive confrontational behaviour is harassment, and that you want the personal harassment to stop. Quote the Protection from Harassment Act 1977 in the letter. If there is a genuine reason for communication you may not be able to stop him communicating with you altogether, the act allows genuinely required communication, you can control how he communicates, within reason, and also who he communicates with to contact you.

atb

dave

Edited by member 24 May 2016 at 18:46 | Reason: Not specified

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 24 May 2016 at 21:36

Rosy
Reading your post does bring so many thoughts rushing to my head, the firsts of everything are so hard. First time away on your own, first birthday, first conflict, first screw up by a service provider and I hate to say it that list will go on with the passage of time. However ... every one can make you stronger and every one has to be worked through, friends and family will be there to support you just as they were for me. There will be times when you just want to scream at someone or cry big tears that are from frustration as well as grief.

One huge mistake I made was trying to deal with my grief alone, It took a very special friend to actually point out to me that I was not dealing with it at all,I was just trying to brush it all to one side and hope it would go away.
I went for one to one counselling arranged through the hospice, it wasn't all about my loss it was as much about finding myself and starting my life over again a little at a time.

Things do get easier and,if you let them, things can get better. For me a lot of it was about regaining my confidence. You sound as though you are already making big strides in the right direction there.

Take the advice from others here about the potential new neighbour, it is sound advice and you really do not need some idiot harassing you at any time, but especially not now.

Of course you miss David, but as you deal with every "first" then gradually you will grow more confident the memories will turn into things that give you great comfort, the pain is still there but it starts to hurt less.

You are doing really well, if ever you need to chat please just PM me.

Thinking of you as always
xx
Mo

User

Posted 26 May 2016 at 22:40

Hi Rosy
Lovely to hear from you here. I'm really sorry to hear about the blinking idiot potential neighbour, he sounds like someone to avoid. I can imagine how hard the holiday must have been and your birthday, tough times to get through.

I got something resolved with BT by emailing Gavin Patterson, the CEO, here's his email address : gavin.e.patterson@bt.com.

His executive staff will get back to you right away. Do it Rosy, it's important.

Lots of love
Allison xxx

User

Posted 26 May 2016 at 23:22

Thank you for that Allison - BT finally sorted it this evening! It only took 17 days and literally hours of phone calls and a huge amount of stress.

Feeling much better today. Work was ok (and the NHS reset all my passwords and rebuilt my laptop and returned it to me within ONE day).

The local council have sent me a copy of the planning permission we got to re-site our garage 26 years ago. It shows that our driveway was in fact a few inches wider than it is now - and that is the land that I'm being told is 5 feet too wide. I've also had advice from a solicitor to say that as we can demonstrate that we have had that 5 feet for well over 20 years there should be no dispute - it's ours. Someone from their litigation team is going to call back to advise me on how I can make this legally binding so I don't have any more problems when I come to sell.

So all in all things are improving except one thing... My brother came and wielded the hedge cutter for me but accidently cut through the cable!! He only got a minor shock but the next day I realised that the freezer in the shed was thawing out. We'd had the hedge cutter plugged into the double socket in the shed so it looks like he's blown the socket. He's coming back to fix it but in the meantime I have an extension lead trailing out of the bedroom window to the shed to keep the freezer on!

At least life isn't boring

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 06:25

Oh Rosy, it never rains eh!

Glad you got a lot sorted out and that you feel better for it.

One "good" thing that comes from a situation like yours is that people normally try to be as helpful as possible.

With a bit of luck the prospective neighbour will decide he doesn't want to buy a house that has a boundary a few inches shorter than he would prefer. Don't need trouble makers like him living next door.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 06:55

R

Nice to see you posting again but sorry to see it is about neighbour and boundary problems. Now for a safety warning,I hope your socket in the shed has an earth leakage device on it or at the very least a plugin earth leakage adapter for when using the hedge clippers.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 09:37

Hi Rosy

I am trying to catch up on everything having been, and still being, busy with lots going on. Firstly can I pass on my commiserations on losing Dave. You are doing brilliantly under difficult circumstances.

The story of the car tax brings to mind that my mother-in-law had her pension and Attendance Allowance paid separately. We've just had to pay some State Pension back and claim underpaid AA, despite the fact that they are paid by the DWP. My mum's are both paid together, which makes it even more ridiculous.The difference was £30 in our favour. I bet the cost to the taxpayer was far in excess of that.

Keep well.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 23:48

Hi Rosy,

Thinking of you. Keep on keeping on. It will get better.

And don't worry about David's ashes. My brother in law was killed in an accident in 2007, and his wife has still not scattered his ashes. They're in her wardrobe too. She says she'll do it one day, when she's ready.

Louise xx

User

Posted 14 Oct 2019 at 10:50

This time last year I was in your position. I can recommend that you get in touch with your local hospice for both practical advice and support. They are wonderful and staffed by angels. When eventually I went in with my husband it was like a massive burden had been lifted and they only supported my husband but me and his family too.

User

Posted 14 Oct 2019 at 10:56

Rosy’s dad died 3 years ago Blue :-(

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

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