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My Dad and depression

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User
Posted 09 Apr 2016 at 21:46
Hi everyone.

We found out late last year that Dad has advanced metastatic prostate cancer, which has begun to spread to his lymph glands and bones. The doctor described this as a 'suggestion' of spreading so wasn't exactly definite. We weren't given a prognosis, but we're told it was incurable but manageable. Dad is now on hormone treatment and was offered to take part in the stampede trial but decided against it.

My dad is 62 and has always been a vibrant bright person who is hardworking and loves socialising. Since finding out, it's completely floored him. He is panicky, easily worried, and very depressed. At the moment he doesn't really have any symptoms other than those brought on by the hormone treatment and obviously the depression. He is not in any pain or discomfort as yet, just worrying about what the future will bring.

Our biggest worry is that we don't think he has fully accepted that he has got cancer and just wants to bury his head in the sand. Which obviously won't help him to move on. The rest of the family have tried really hard to stay positive, especially as at his consultation last week the doctor said his PSA had gone from 67 to 11, which was great news for us. But he's still just under a constant cloud. It's frustrating because we just want him to enjoy the time he has left while he doesn't have symptoms etc. Obviously he's the one who's dealing with it so we can't dictate how he should feel. Its very difficult for my mam to cope, she's such a strong positive person though. He had a few counselling sessions but didn't like talking about it and he won't go on anti depressants as he's worried about the side effects.

We feel like we're at a bit of a road block with no blue sky ahead. I just want my Dad back. Can anyone help with what may make him feel better?

Sorry this is so long! It's quite therapeutic writing it all down!
User
Posted 10 Apr 2016 at 08:10

Hi Lauri, welcome from me also. It is a horrid situation to find yourself and your family but very hard for your dad, have you sent for the "toolkit" from this site? You can get it from publications and download or telephone and request one to be sent to you, all of you will find it really useful especially your dad.

Having PCa is not the end of the world and even though it has been diagnosed as incurable but manageable there are many years ahead and as you will see on here there will be others that are still going strong after ten or fifteen years, treatments are constantly changing and it really is a shame that your dad had buried his head in the sand. One thing he or you can do is to speak to the specialist nurse on this site and I am sure they will be able to help or point in the right direction.

Having a positive outlook and not letting this sh***y disease get the better of him is a way forward if he can do it, also reading and understanding the various forms of treatment will help but do not search dr Google just use this site and ask any questions whatsoever as no subject is out of bounds.

There will be others that will give additional help coming along also.

When going to specialists at the hospital try to go with him as a second pair of ears will help digest whatever he is told, take a notepad and pen to jot down relevant info and write down any questions that you may want to ask them, it is so easy to forget at the time.

If you have a Gleason score and staging type it will help others to answer correctly as well.

Best wishes, Chris/Woody

Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint

User
Posted 10 Apr 2016 at 16:39

Welcome to the site and thanks for posting to try and help things for you father.
I hope the suggestions already made in the responses to your post give you some ideas for next steps.
On the subject of antidepressants: I am a psychiatrist and I think they would be a good idea for you father. They can have side effects, but the only way to find out whether he will actually have any adverse reaction to them is to try an antidepressant and see how it goes. There are many different chemical classes of antidepressants, so if he is affected by side effects he and his GP can chose another one to try. They can do this repeatedly until they find one that suits him, so he can stay on one for a while, which is necessary with them.
I wonder whether part of his refusal to try antidepressant therapy is a similar denial about having reacted to his situation with depression to that he perhaps shows with regard his cancer? I guess he is feeling very ashamed, angry and perhaps somehow a little guilty. It may seem very obvious that he is not to blame, but it might be worth repeatedly reinforcing to him that it is not his fault that he has prostate cancer and that this has made him feel very uncertain and low. It is very unfair that this has happened to him
The next message for him, however, if he seems ready to hear it, could be about the fact that he is responsible for managing his health, even though he is not to blame for the health problems arising. This is a bit of a tough one, and I do not want to be cruel: I am sure you don't either. Facing this might help him begin dealing with it, though. Let him know your worries for him. The reason to face it is for him, and for those of you around him who are also affected, to feel better. Some of the suggestions in this conversations could be presented as choices for him.
Encourage him to continue doing, or return to doing, things he enjoys and/or is good at, as this can improve mood. Physical activity and exercise are also good for lifting mood.
Good luck. Let us know how you and he get on. Carry on with your own stuff as well!
Henry

User
Posted 09 Apr 2016 at 23:08

HI Lauri,

Welcome to the forum though sorry you join us due to your father's PCa and the change it has brought about in him.

I see he has had some counselling sessions but does not like talking about his situation. I wonder if actually meeting members in a local support group might be helpful to him as they are in a similar situation. I also see he won't consider anti-depressants. Has he discussed this and his feelings with his GP?

Men react differently to PCa yet alone the effects of treatment and it may take some time to come to terms with his situation. Maybe he could get absorbed into a project or concentrate more on other interests, maybe visit places he has wanted to see but never got round to going. Many, perhaps most of the men on this forum will have their lives shortened by PCa because treatment has been too late or only been able to slow the cancer. Yet the feeling is that we are not going to let PCa rob us of precious remaining time by constant worrying about it. Hopefully, he will come round to this way of thinking and revert more to his former attitude to life.

Barry
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User
Posted 09 Apr 2016 at 23:08

HI Lauri,

Welcome to the forum though sorry you join us due to your father's PCa and the change it has brought about in him.

I see he has had some counselling sessions but does not like talking about his situation. I wonder if actually meeting members in a local support group might be helpful to him as they are in a similar situation. I also see he won't consider anti-depressants. Has he discussed this and his feelings with his GP?

Men react differently to PCa yet alone the effects of treatment and it may take some time to come to terms with his situation. Maybe he could get absorbed into a project or concentrate more on other interests, maybe visit places he has wanted to see but never got round to going. Many, perhaps most of the men on this forum will have their lives shortened by PCa because treatment has been too late or only been able to slow the cancer. Yet the feeling is that we are not going to let PCa rob us of precious remaining time by constant worrying about it. Hopefully, he will come round to this way of thinking and revert more to his former attitude to life.

Barry
User
Posted 10 Apr 2016 at 08:10

Hi Lauri, welcome from me also. It is a horrid situation to find yourself and your family but very hard for your dad, have you sent for the "toolkit" from this site? You can get it from publications and download or telephone and request one to be sent to you, all of you will find it really useful especially your dad.

Having PCa is not the end of the world and even though it has been diagnosed as incurable but manageable there are many years ahead and as you will see on here there will be others that are still going strong after ten or fifteen years, treatments are constantly changing and it really is a shame that your dad had buried his head in the sand. One thing he or you can do is to speak to the specialist nurse on this site and I am sure they will be able to help or point in the right direction.

Having a positive outlook and not letting this sh***y disease get the better of him is a way forward if he can do it, also reading and understanding the various forms of treatment will help but do not search dr Google just use this site and ask any questions whatsoever as no subject is out of bounds.

There will be others that will give additional help coming along also.

When going to specialists at the hospital try to go with him as a second pair of ears will help digest whatever he is told, take a notepad and pen to jot down relevant info and write down any questions that you may want to ask them, it is so easy to forget at the time.

If you have a Gleason score and staging type it will help others to answer correctly as well.

Best wishes, Chris/Woody

Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint

User
Posted 10 Apr 2016 at 16:39

Welcome to the site and thanks for posting to try and help things for you father.
I hope the suggestions already made in the responses to your post give you some ideas for next steps.
On the subject of antidepressants: I am a psychiatrist and I think they would be a good idea for you father. They can have side effects, but the only way to find out whether he will actually have any adverse reaction to them is to try an antidepressant and see how it goes. There are many different chemical classes of antidepressants, so if he is affected by side effects he and his GP can chose another one to try. They can do this repeatedly until they find one that suits him, so he can stay on one for a while, which is necessary with them.
I wonder whether part of his refusal to try antidepressant therapy is a similar denial about having reacted to his situation with depression to that he perhaps shows with regard his cancer? I guess he is feeling very ashamed, angry and perhaps somehow a little guilty. It may seem very obvious that he is not to blame, but it might be worth repeatedly reinforcing to him that it is not his fault that he has prostate cancer and that this has made him feel very uncertain and low. It is very unfair that this has happened to him
The next message for him, however, if he seems ready to hear it, could be about the fact that he is responsible for managing his health, even though he is not to blame for the health problems arising. This is a bit of a tough one, and I do not want to be cruel: I am sure you don't either. Facing this might help him begin dealing with it, though. Let him know your worries for him. The reason to face it is for him, and for those of you around him who are also affected, to feel better. Some of the suggestions in this conversations could be presented as choices for him.
Encourage him to continue doing, or return to doing, things he enjoys and/or is good at, as this can improve mood. Physical activity and exercise are also good for lifting mood.
Good luck. Let us know how you and he get on. Carry on with your own stuff as well!
Henry

 
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