Just a wife.....

In actual fact, we have a surprising number of men on here who were diagnosed in their 40s or early 50s, it is not an old man's disease. Only you can know whether a journal is a good idea - I think quite a lot of our members use this forum as their journal. One thing that my husband did was to ring the helpline this charity runs - they put him in touch with a man who had already been through it so he could talk about the treatments and side effects.

There is no self help guide on how to be a wife or partner in these circumstances, just trust your instincts. My husband kept talking about us splitting up so that I could find a 'proper' man while I was still young enough, and it took some effort to persuade him that I wasn't going anywhere. To be fair, a friend of ours was just going through a divorce because his wife had an affair and left him after his op. Your husband might be worrying about the side effects but also about how this will also affect you. Just keep reassuring him that you are in it together.

There are no blueprints for how to cope in this situation, but you will find a wealth of advice and experience here. My partner was diagnosed last May, most difficult thing has been adapting to all the changes in our life together, certainly for me, I have always described some of this like being bereaved. I have found learning as much as I can about PCa invaluable, especially as treatment options sometimes depend on where you live, preferences of your oncologist, surgeon, etc so helps to be able to have informed discussions. Remember to take care of yourself as much as you can, it is easy as a wife and partner to forget your own needs because of what of happening to your other half. Sounds like you have not got the full story regarding your husbands diagnosis yet, when you do , treatment options will be clearer. Most of us say the waiting for diagnosis, scans, etc is the worse time as your imagination runs away with you.  There isnt a right or wrong, just being there for your husband is often a very under estimated means of support so dont worry that you are not doing the right thing ! Do keep posting, as I always say, I couldnt have coped without the good people here. Wishing you all the best,

Fiona.

I'm 44 and was diagnosed 3 weeks ago. I'm now booked for a radical prostratectomy in August.

It's hit my wife harder than me I think but she has taken some great support from the nurses here at prostrate cancer uk.

I've spoken to them too and we've had the toolkit & lots of information from PCUK. Please don't hesitate in picking up the phone, they truly are wonderful & can put your mind to rest or offer advice & support all round.

Hope all goes well & you can get the right treatment for you guys.

Best wishes.

Carlos.

Edited by member 26 Jun 2014 at 19:47  | Reason: Not specified

Oh Jamswife. What a bummer. BUT, you'll know from the conversations on here that for many members, PC hasn't destroyed their love lives, even if it has removed some of the necessary aspects  of it . Look at Lyns talk on what happened to her and her husband - it's no holds barred. It is also uplifting and reassuring I think.

We went a different route so I cannot advise you.

I am equally sure though that you'll both be there for each other and will work through it, indeed as some have already said, it does make you stronger as a couple.

There are ways and means - it's just different. Different doesn't mean worse.

The only advice I would offer to both of you is to talk it out. No good one or other of you bottling up how you feel or being embarrassed to say something.

If you don't hear it, you can't know
If you don't say it, the other one can't hear it.

All the best. I'm sure you will come out the other side together.

Edited by member 02 Jul 2014 at 07:27  | Reason: Not specified

To Infinity and Beyond

So pleased to see that the consultation went well. Curative treatment, that's what they are offering you and that's what will get you through.

Time now to start shopping (proper pants, trackside bottoms with a drawstring waist, both a size larger than usual, a waterproof sheet (modern ones are not plasticky), a bucket, some good books) and if you can, perhaps squeeze a holiday in before the op. Find time for lots of what couples do as well!

Every man deals with the issues on their own way, not saying that it will be "unique" or the "first time" that anyone has written a journal or a blog or a log, just for them it will be different.

A blog worked for me.

You are supportive, and he is so lucky, not lucky, fortunate, to have you at his side and being there.

dave

Hi, Just reading your story brings it all back, I to had the same readings 3+4 Gle 7 and also PC extended out side Prostate.It was hard to come to terms with at first but you must be positive I am 64 and this all happened nearly 4 years ago. I had MRI scans before meeting my Consultant with his team all a bit mind blowing at first, he said we are here to help you are your wife get through this. We were told of options RT/BRAC/LAP/Robotic he theirs no rush to make up your mind as you have had it approx 10 years, what I said. We had a chat and went for Robotic,had to wait 6 weeks. All went ok home on second day had cath fitted had some fun with that, 10 days later had it removed had to use pads for about a week then dry their after. Saw consultant PSA 0.1 told he had removed L/R lymp nodes right came back positive cancer.I had 18 mths HT implants and tabs to many side effects became bit of a devar, nearly 4 years on life's good we are stronger together PSA is still low 0.4 last count check every 3 months. So keep in their above all you must keep talking and crying together. all the best Rodders.

Hi Jam's wife,
he has depression - have you talked to his GP and described your worries? It is true that a GP can't discuss Jim with you without Jim's permission but that doesn't stop you from expressing your concerns. Being diagnosed, going through treatment and then dealing with the fall out would make anyone distressed let alone having to deal with all of this at the age of 48. He probably feels cheated and may be struggling with the whole identity / what defines me as a man / what does the future hold?

When he says you don't 'get' it, what do you think he is referring to? The whole 'getting cancer' thing or perhaps the impact of the side effects? You say that his continence is good but you haven't mentioned the sex side of things. Perhaps you are both at cross purposes on at least part of the story as you say he didn't have positive margins (which is good) but it might have spread to the bladder (which is very not good) early PSA suggests no spread (which is good) but there have been concerns and complications (which is bad).

So your post reads to me like you are being quite upbeat whereas I can see exactly why he might be devastated and frightened and complaining that you don't 'get' it. He opted for surgery in the hope of a cure and so far, he is not getting that 'whoopee, they got it all' feedback he had expected. Do you know exactly what his PSA was or did you simply accept it when you were told that it was okay? He should really have had two PSA tests by now so has he had a result that he didn't share with you? Usually, the test is done around 6 weeks post op then 3 months later and three months after that so in Jim's case many urologists would have had it checked in August and again in November although it might be that the complications have messed this timetable up a bit. He probably feels that he has been left in limbo facing the possibility that the treatment he chose has not been enough.

We don't know your relationship or the extent of his selfishness or even how deep the depression is and whether he has had mental health problems in the past. You need to be very clear that no-one has the right to make you feel worthless or fearful - even if it is someone with depression - and I am afraid you must also think properly about the impact Jim's depression may have on the children as your first responsibility is to them .... perhaps that is a good place to begin the conversation with Jim about why you are worried about him, why you want to know more about his results & side effects (if you are not already fully understanding these things) and why you think he may need more help. Apart from the GP, emotional support which is specifically for people with prostate or other cancers & serious illnesses can be found from the specialist nurses on the phone number at the top of this website, from the hospital where he had his treatment, possibly from his nurse specialist if one was allocated, from Macmillan or the Maggie's centre if there is one in your area.

I have a brother who is bipolar, and when he is depressed, how ever you try to put a positive point across, there is always a bigger negative. It is incredibly difficult to deal with. I don't live with him, but I know it is on the point of impossible when he is down. I feel for anyone living with a partner with severe depression, as well as the person themselves.

Sharing thoughts, through counselling with a 3rd person if necessary, will help you both to appreciate each other's point of view. I have had my wife fully informed all the way through, and have not let the disease knock me mentally. However, being under 50 and with a young family, it must be so much harder to deal with.

For the sake of your young children, open up to each other, Only then can the mental healing begin, along with your husband's physical recovery.

One more thing - the physical side of your relationship is also in tatters. This needs mentioning to your GP or at your next referral.. Meanwhile, try and cuddle whilst watching TV, give a peck on the cheek as he is going out. Starting the little things now can help make a big difference later.

Paul

Hi,

Please don't beat yourself up about not 'doing enough'. You are probably doing far more than you imagine and as others have commented, if your husband is depressed or going through some emotional trauma, his comments may well be driven by this and would not be the case if everything was 'normal'. My partner certainly changed through the course of his illness, it was so very hard to see this and to try to be there and do the best I could. You cannot go through this for him, only with him and that means looking after your own health too. Looking back, I realise that with my partner there were times when it was the 'disease talking' rather than him, didnt stop me feeling upset but helped me realise some things werent meant personally.

However, having this out in the open is a good idea. Let your husband know the impact his comments has on you and what he wants you to do to make him feel you care, specifics rather than general things ! He may not know himself quite honestly ! Hope you find some solution to what is such a very difficult time,

Regards, Fiona.