Thank you for all your messages. I miss him so much. I have times I sort of feel ok then it all starts off again. The local dog walkers clubbed together to buy me a planter full of flowers and card, I've had no end of cards and messages, so kind but of course it doesnt change what has happened. Neil was adamant he didn't want a funeral, just like him, and of course I respect his wishes. He was utterly unique. Think I will have a plaque put on Clevedon Pier in his memory which I've done for my parents and my dogs. We both loved the coast and Victorian architecture so seems very fitting and easy for me to visit.
So thankful to his daughter who sat back while he died and let me hold his hand and talk to him. The front room is nearly finished, last thing he knew I was going to do for him. Walls a lovely butter-like colour, white skirtings and door so if he had come home it would have been to this. I have been laying carpet tiles furiously the last few days, no, I can't stop, I have been like that the last twenty months, hope I will eventually be able to rest.
Despite the distress in many of my posts, I loved Neil to bits, it was awful how the illness skewed our relationship and I had thoughts and feelings I would not have otherwise had. He knew how much I loved him and vice versa through it all. I have lots of texts on my phone telling me how much he loved me, I will treasure them. Whatever happens, I will always be his girl ! He was just 63.
I can't get over how lacking the treatment is for this damn disease ! I may go along to the new Macmillan centre at hospital where Neil died in a few weeks, spoke to one of the counsellors who was lovely and said come for a cup of tea and a chat. Don't want to exhaust friends with my grief.
Regards to you all, lets hope there are better times over the horizon for newly diagnosed men and more understanding of the stresses on their families.