I have read this thread with interest, and agree much of the information would have helped me five years ago as I was losing Mike. But for anyone reading and finding it difficult to talk I feel all is not lost if you don't find the time or the words. Thank you, Mo, for your post and I know it will have helped so many.
I felt I wanted to talk as it became clear to me that Mike hadn't much time left, but I didn't want to be specific and give him a chance to talk about it his way, which proved to be not to talk about it. I left leaflets around that I had picked up from the hospital from the Dying Matters organisation, but all he asked was why I had them. I supposed he was in denial about the state of his health and decided not to talk about it again. However, since then I have realised on many occasions he was aware and did what he could to prepare, it must have just been too painful to discuss.
As an eldest son he had always been expected to be in control in his family and this attitude carried on until the end. Slowly I have come to realise the many things he had thought about but been unable to communicate, as we fought each day's battles to survive. As his work had always been so important to him when he became unable to go out to work he set up an Internet business, which never traded and I had to close down, but he never gave up hope of a return to some kind of recovery, which gave us a day to day focus as things got tough. His last days in hospital were spent organising tradesmen and asking my son to supervise them so the house was left how he wanted to leave it and there weren't unfinished jobs. He still took control of his family and regularly asked me to stop them visiting as he hadn't the energy for them. Really I think I became an extension of him, running his business and organising his medical and social needs, which I now feel proud that he trusted me to do.
My own father died suddenly at 53 when I was 19 and then my brother at 34 when I was 37, leaving me to support my mother and sort things out so maybe I was fortunate to have the experience. But I think what I am trying to say is that although at the time Mike was ill I would have liked to talk openly, it really wasn't his way. I could have forced the discussions and have no idea if they would have made it easier, but Mike remained in control in his own way, which may have made it easier for him.
I am hoping the future will be easier with more of this type of information available and people encouraged to use it, but if, for whatever reason, talking doesn't happen all is not lost, but how I wish this type of discussion had been around five years ago.
Janet, x