The builder's house is usually the one that's falling down, the plumber's house leaks and the cobblers kids go to school with holes in the soles of their shoes. !
A therapist has it hardest of all I expect, since the other problems above are probably caused by being too busy to do the repairs.
You, on the other hand, are having midnight conversations with yourself and writing the horror story of the century!!
No good telling you to calm down. That's like telling somebody with depression to "snap out of it", not helpful.
The "what ifs" and the "maybes" are going to plague you until you have a definitive answer regarding treatment.
I don't know why your Rob said Brachytherapy wasn't an option but we were told EXACTLY the same thing by our nurse specialist. She also told us that nerve sparing wasn't an option if we chose an op because the cancer had impinged on the nerves.
None of that was exactly what had been decided. It was her interpretation of the results she was seeing on her screen.
By the time John's active surveillance had to end because the PSA had crept up a bit, we were also told by the surgical specialist that Brachytherapy wasn't an option and very sniffily told us we should have taken that option when it had been offered to us the previous year.
We opted to see the radiologist again who expressed surprise at a) what the nurse specialist had told us because the cancer wasn't affecting the seminal nerves and b) she thought John was eminently suitable for Brachy although they didn't do it at our local hospital. She did however refer us on and that new specialist thought John was ideal for it and that was at 73 with PSA of 6.7 and Gleason 3+4.
So, even the surgical consultant was incorrect.
Your own health is dragging you down too remember. Under normal circumstances, if you had a bad day, you'd rest up, and get back to life feeling a bit better.
Not happening because you are expending energy on worrying about Graham and his treatment and the future (or in your darkest hours - the lack of it!!). Seeing things that ARE there, like Grahams fatigue and looking older.
Without this cancer diagnosis hanging over you that situation would still have happened it's just that you would have been more pragmatic about it and put it down to the stress you had already been under, the disturbed nights and the general aging process.
Take a step back. Become a therapist again. How would you treat a patient who presented as you are feeling. What would you tell them.
When those dark thoughts appear again, tell yourself you WILL cope, no matter what.
But honestly, like a lot of members on here, I think you are overthinking it all. Yes it's frightening, but it's definitely doable.
Big breath in, big breath out and tell yourself, this isn't going to beat you.
YOU are going to be the strong one in this if Graham is wobbly when it comes to his health.
YOU are going to be the one to be matter of fact about the treatments and the possible results such as initial incontinence etc.
You will do it, because you have no choice, but you are not much good to Graham if you put yourself in hospital because you've frightened yourself half to death.
Keep posting. We'll keep listening. Keep reading and researching if it helps but do be careful of anecdotal stories on the general web pages.
Especially about magic treatments etc.
Best Wishes
Sandra