Wives & Partners: How lucky we are !

Hi Wee Wifie,

I'm so sorry you don't feel you can read my posts anymore, and that I may have offended you. 

I always try to describe how I'm feeling at the time when I'm posting in hope that it may help others understand one person's journey through what has been, a very difficult year.  I'm always interested in how others have coped with their illnesses in hope that I may learn how better to cope with my own.  I hope sometimes I might have helped someone along the way who've read mine.

I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone, especially my wife but sometimes when you feel very low and very stressed, things can be said or written that you don't really mean. 

I was very depressed back in March, made worse by the news of my Mum's serious illness which resulted, as you know, in me being admitted into hospital.  It was decided, while I was there, that the severe chest pains I suffered at the time of my admission were probably due to a recent change in medication and the extreme anxiety I was experiencing at the time.  I was shocked when I was told this as the pain I suffered was far worse than when I had my heart attack in November. 

I felt humiliated, that I was wasting everyone's time and left there thinking that next time anything like this happens, I will have to be sure I'm dying before ringing 999.  I felt even more worthless than when I went in. 

Even within a day or two of being in hospital, I reached the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, that because we were told it wasn't a heart attack but only anxiety and stress, my wife had decided that there was nothing wrong with me and I should sign myself out and come home. 

I think this is why I probably said the things I did around that time because I thought she had lost faith in me.  This hurt me a lot because what I was feeling and experiencing was very real to me.

You mentioned me editing my reply to your post at that time.  The only reason I did this, was not to make myself look good, but because sometimes when you re-read what you have written, you can see what you have said is unfair and not very nice.  It wasn't my intention to make you look bad and I'm sorry if it seemed that way.

When you said that someone had said about me being "attacked" again, I don't think it was a criticism of your post, I think they were referring to the fact that I had been admitted into hospital with another suspected heart attack. 

I'm sorry if I have offended you in anyway, it wasn't my intention.  The reason for me starting this thread was to apologise and acknowledge the support my wife has given me.  I love her so much, as I do all my family.

The way life has turned out for us in the last year has been awful, a difficult journey for both of us and it seems to get worse all the time. 

What's hard to come to terms with is that almost everything that's happened is my fault.  I often feel things might be better if I wasn't around anymore. 

I'm just a less than perfect person trying to do my best, very often getting things wrong.

Steve

Steve,

My experience was one of how deeply a diagnosis of Pca affects so much of ourselves and our relationships. I am able to be less harsh on myself now for the angry and disloyal thoughts I often had about Neil when he was ill. It was just the immense stress and total uncertainty as well as chasing up all of the treatment side.

A week before Neil died, he told me he didnt feel close to me anymore. I could have killed him but I recognised too, this was the illness speaking and not him and actually, I had felt like that about him for along time so I was not one to judge.

Be kind to yourself, however much we love our partners, we are often not the same people when ill or under pressure, at least that's my take on it, easy to think and say things one regrets under those circumstances. Little things often mean a lot and take the heat out of situations, Neil used to buy me flowers, hard for him as he wasnt that type. Maybe find one little loving thing you can do or say to your wife each day and remember to say something kind to yourself also !!!

Regards, Fiona.

I was sorry to read your post and to learn what cancer has done to you.

This is what it does, it tries to destroy lives, relationships, confidence and everything that you once were.

I hope that you can both get through this and work together to fight this disease, who said what to who is not relevant in the bigger picture and I hope that you will both be able to put things in perspective and assist each other now to carry on.

Alison