Steve
Other long term members on this forum will tell you that I wrote the book on depression and anxiety caused by PCa.
I understand exactly where you are presently. Your mind is telling you that you have overcome it all but then, without warning or preparation, it sinks in that you still have the disease or at least in the past have had a cancer diagnosis and when you do, the cycle of apathy, tiredness, lack of a lust for life begins again. I believe it is the mind trying to protect itself by slowing down, almost with some people to the point of not being able to raise yourself from bed some mornings. In others, the feelings of despair are less so. Whatever it is and whenever it happens, it debilitated your life.
What I can tell you is that, at some point along the road, there is a place called Acceptance. It is when the brain tells the person tells the body tells the brain; a state where everything that you have been through and may yet have to go through, begins to make sense. It is then and only then when you realise that you have to grab life by the balls and embrace your illness now, not allow your mind to dictate the terms of it which will only stultify your enjoyment of life. Don't get me wrong, it is easier said than done and comes quite late in the journey to some as it does fortunately early to others. When it does come, however, acceptance brings some respite from the tiredness, the apathy, the detachment from everyday life, the willingness to engage with others, to work, to enjoy your life as you did pre-diagnosis.
I fully understand that you have lost your zest, presently, but it will return my friend, I assure you of that. When your mind finally realises the destruction that cancer can do both psychologically as well as physically, you WILL rise up and jump back into the cycle of life. You will once again enjoy holidays, making plans, drinking wine, seeing family, doing work, because the life that you live now is far more important than the cancer's potential to destroy it later on. It takes the individuals' mind to realise that though - and we are all different.
My mantra has been, ever since I reached a town called Acceptance, JUST DO IT and ALL YOU NEED IS NOW. I wish you well Steve and know that in your own good time, you will find peace in your situation that allows you to get the best out of the hopefully long life that you have left. To enjoy each day and lay down memories for those that you love. That is all a good man can ever do.
God speed.
Bazza (Barry)