Originally Posted by: Online Community MemberHello,
"I also can't believe that I'm typing this! Where has the reserved person I used to be gone ? I've become like so many of us 'an agony aunt ' or 'uncle '. "That caused a wry grin from me too John. At nearly 68, having led a pretty sheltered life, I find I'm on this site discussing other men's ED and bowels etc as if it is the most normal thing in the world.
My John would be shocked as he is a very private person. I think it's because most of us are "virtual" friends and perhaps the situation would be different, certainly woman to man, if we were sitting in a coffee shop facing each other.
I hope in my own little way that anything I comment on is helpful, even when I don't have the personal knowledge of a problem.
It doesn't stop us empathising with each oher.
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
Chris !
My soul mate . The one I can depend on. I needn't post anything anymore. You say it all for me.
Your sentiments are exactly as mine. Yet again ! And yes, I'm fine thanks . I trust you are too.
The relationship I have with my wife without sex is fine. I like being with her. We have a good rapport and understand each other well.
We had many issues regarding having children and went down the IVF route. That was stressful but we believed in each other and it was eventually successful.
So we've had testing times before. The main problem for her as I posted before, is that my wife wants to move away from constant tests and the uncertainty that brings. " let's move on " in her words.
It may sound strange to many of you but she really is disinterested in my visit to the ED clinic next week. It's just another reminder that I have PCa.
Maybe more appointments and no real gain. And I had some ED problems before dx as well but then being inhibited, didn't seek help.
How I've changed !!!!. We used to have an enjoyable sex life.
I want to go because I want to stay healthy by having erections and it may be good to try to restore some 'manhood' again. But that's probably me being self centred again. But if it doesn't work then I will not become disillusioned. - well I say that now ...
My relationship with my wife was not solely based upon sex before dx.
To me, sex is important ,but not absoutely essential for a good relationship . One post I read in response to a PCUK request for info for men seeking ED help earlier this year implied ,that we are too obsessed with sex. And maybe he was right.
I read many of the posts where ED is a major problem for many. It's good to be able to express ourselves freely here.
For those who've had RP then it's a known problem from the outset that assistance will be required long term.
For others like me who are HT/RT then there is the chance that something approaching normality might return (or maybe not ) after treatments are finished.
Whatever situation you're in ,I believe it's important to try to have a worthwhile life whilst enduring PCa. . And if sex is possible then that's great too, however achieved.
But some here have no partners . It could possibly be unsettling for them when they read some of the posts?
Enough from me. I've said too much today .
Best wishes to you all and that includes you, Chris.
John
User
Hi everyone. Thank you for uyour replys they have all been helpful. I am impressed so any of you gentleman post on here. My hubby would not be comfortable writing on here but instead will ask me questions of what I have heard on here.
We too took the view per f2f that if either was not feeling enthused in any way then was would not happen. This way you know it's 100% wanted not obliged to be done.
I too can live without sex if he gets to stay with me longer x.
I think with everything you are all coping with being selfish about your health is allowed. It is hard I will not lie to know that you may never feel fulfilled that way again. I will just say if you chaps wake up to a wife that has cuddled up whilst you slept try hard not to pull away as though you are horrified. Stolen cuddles are our last hope for the life you once shared.
My heart almost broke in two when my last stolen hugs were rejected and being told he couldn't bear being hugged.
Thankfully when he came off the HT for four months we talked about it as he became more like his old self and couldn't understand why I held back from hugs (emotional self defence). He's now happier to cuddle and be back to emotional whilst on the HT again.
Thank you all again.
Debbie
User
Debbie (also my wife's name) it's good that there are at least some cuddles now and it is very understandable that your hubby went into a bit of a shell during treatment. I expect it was focusing on his PCa and not realising that he had withdrawn from a touchy feely huggy relationship, it is like life really that every so often we need a bit of a kick up the backside to remind us that something that we once did has stopped or reduced, and that is not just buying flowers or choccies but some of the unspoken moments that mean so much. I know that I just have to see my wife, anywhere, walking away, towards, doing something it brings that same feeling that I had when we used to date and look forward to meeting up.
Something that needs to be addressed is how a specialist breaks the news and explains the treatment with all it's consequences in a compassionate way. Where do they get their training? Or is it just at the early stages of their career and as they become more expert at their chosen speciality subject they inadvertently forget the compassion bit?
My wife is like your husband Debbie, she does not go on this forum and just accepts that I read all the posts each day and also contribute where I can. She did want to know all about PCa at the beginning and during my treatment she has been my rock with comfort and support but the day to day observations that I see here do not interest her and I think that now I have a "low" PSA she has relaxed about my health situation with the view that, as I am on a trials programme, if something changes with my PSA etc then it will be dealt with promptly.
She has a view like mine now that says only worry about something when there is something to worry about. This view is only for PCa as she spends her life worrying about anything whatsoever!
John, my split personality, I must admit I have not plucked up the courage yet to go down the ed clinic route as like you I have always been a little bit "I can do this on my own thank you very much" but although no sex is not a big deal, it is still something that I miss and would like to do again given the option and the inclination so perhaps one day I will be brave/bold and do it!
As far as men being obsessed with sex I can only say it as I see it but believe that it is a big problem for someone of a younger age in particular as it is part of being "a man" for me personally it has never been the be all and end all of my relationship.
One of the problems with any discussion is that when we all have an input there are different points of view and feelings so it gets tossed around the ring a few times and maybe it appears that it is all we are thinking about. I for one can honestly say that, unlike the stereotypical man, sex is and has been a little down the pecking order of importance with my current situation knocking it right down to the bottom as it brings home how valuable life is and to me happiness is the key with being alive up there as well.
Best wishes to all, Chris/Woody
Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint
User
Hello,
Yes, this is a difficult subject.
I am now 19 months on HT and suffered the immediate loss of libido. It was a very strange situation to be in but actually I found that I just couldn't care less about sex.
I know from a RT friend treated at the same time that he too found it difficult . He has a wife 25 years younger than him too. He tried viagra but suffered from heartburn and had to give it up. When I saw him last month he told me that he was going to the ed clinic as he felt emotionally ready to try again.
This is exactly how I have felt too. Last year it was the very last thing on my mind . I had too many other post RT/HT issues to deal with.
I posted how I felt re ' ed - my first visit to my doctor' and subsequently 'ed - penile rehab'. I am going to the clinic next week.
I too have become more 'cuddly ' with my wife . She finds it rather strange and I think how I feel may mirror your husband's feelings.
There was for us a feeling that sex doesn't matter - what matters is that I stay alive. And if being on HT allows this with all its consequences then so be it.
She also doesn't want me 'disappointed ' if trying for sex doesn't work. And then have an emotional set back.
Having PCa can do strange things to you. It's part of accepting the new normal. I know that I am certainly far more emotional than before . I also appreciate life far more now. If sex isn't possible then I shall accept that. But I'd like to try .
I'm not sure if my reply is helping you or not. But all I'd say is be patient.
My wife thinks I've become more self centred and obsessed by my health. I have. And that's just how it is. But I love her and we have spoken about all of this.
I also can't believe that I'm typing this! Where has the reserved person I used to be gone ?
I've become like so many of us 'an agony aunt ' or 'uncle '.
Best wishes to you both ,
John
User
I know ! My wife just doesn't understand why I use this site. She'd be mortified if she read what I type . But it works for me . See I'm self centred, as I posted earlier .
But if we can all help each other then that's just fine by me.
John
User
Hi deaffrom etc I know exactly how you feel as have been on HT for over a year now and like John I lost my libido immediately ( it had been declining for a while due to other reasons) but having said that my wife and I have always had an understanding in that department which was that if either of us did not feel so inclined then the other would not make an issue to perform, so to speak.
My attitude is that there is more to our relationship than just sex, although it was always very good and usually impromptu, we enjoy being in each other's company and if I am working in the garden and my wife is indoors then I pop back every so often to see if she is ok and say hi.
We have only been together for the last nineteen years but in that time we have lived and worked together 24/7 and never fallen out or had a row. We realise that we are a bit different from most folk that need a good row to get things "sorted".
I will not be too perturbed if at the end of my HT (12 months to go) nothing happens in the downstairs department as we have regular cuddles as well.
Hi John hope you are well!!
Best wishes Chris/Woody
Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint
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User
D
Have a look at this link it may be of help.
https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=jsU3IsgiaO8C&pg=PA128&lpg=PA128&dq=flaccid+intercourse&source=bl&ots=wI9rQOFf0Z&sig=6DDBAO3LMS5Cmf66tgKF3c3zDlI&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiD-pj47JTLAhVJthQKHblNCa8Q6AEIGjAE#v=onepage&q=flaccid%20intercourse
You may need to copy it and paste into the address bar of your browser.
Thanks Chris
User
Hello,
Yes, this is a difficult subject.
I am now 19 months on HT and suffered the immediate loss of libido. It was a very strange situation to be in but actually I found that I just couldn't care less about sex.
I know from a RT friend treated at the same time that he too found it difficult . He has a wife 25 years younger than him too. He tried viagra but suffered from heartburn and had to give it up. When I saw him last month he told me that he was going to the ed clinic as he felt emotionally ready to try again.
This is exactly how I have felt too. Last year it was the very last thing on my mind . I had too many other post RT/HT issues to deal with.
I posted how I felt re ' ed - my first visit to my doctor' and subsequently 'ed - penile rehab'. I am going to the clinic next week.
I too have become more 'cuddly ' with my wife . She finds it rather strange and I think how I feel may mirror your husband's feelings.
There was for us a feeling that sex doesn't matter - what matters is that I stay alive. And if being on HT allows this with all its consequences then so be it.
She also doesn't want me 'disappointed ' if trying for sex doesn't work. And then have an emotional set back.
Having PCa can do strange things to you. It's part of accepting the new normal. I know that I am certainly far more emotional than before . I also appreciate life far more now. If sex isn't possible then I shall accept that. But I'd like to try .
I'm not sure if my reply is helping you or not. But all I'd say is be patient.
My wife thinks I've become more self centred and obsessed by my health. I have. And that's just how it is. But I love her and we have spoken about all of this.
I also can't believe that I'm typing this! Where has the reserved person I used to be gone ?
I've become like so many of us 'an agony aunt ' or 'uncle '.
Best wishes to you both ,
John
User
Originally Posted by: Online Community MemberHello,
"I also can't believe that I'm typing this! Where has the reserved person I used to be gone ? I've become like so many of us 'an agony aunt ' or 'uncle '. "That caused a wry grin from me too John. At nearly 68, having led a pretty sheltered life, I find I'm on this site discussing other men's ED and bowels etc as if it is the most normal thing in the world.
My John would be shocked as he is a very private person. I think it's because most of us are "virtual" friends and perhaps the situation would be different, certainly woman to man, if we were sitting in a coffee shop facing each other.
I hope in my own little way that anything I comment on is helpful, even when I don't have the personal knowledge of a problem.
It doesn't stop us empathising with each oher.
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
I know ! My wife just doesn't understand why I use this site. She'd be mortified if she read what I type . But it works for me . See I'm self centred, as I posted earlier .
But if we can all help each other then that's just fine by me.
John
User
Hi deaffrom etc I know exactly how you feel as have been on HT for over a year now and like John I lost my libido immediately ( it had been declining for a while due to other reasons) but having said that my wife and I have always had an understanding in that department which was that if either of us did not feel so inclined then the other would not make an issue to perform, so to speak.
My attitude is that there is more to our relationship than just sex, although it was always very good and usually impromptu, we enjoy being in each other's company and if I am working in the garden and my wife is indoors then I pop back every so often to see if she is ok and say hi.
We have only been together for the last nineteen years but in that time we have lived and worked together 24/7 and never fallen out or had a row. We realise that we are a bit different from most folk that need a good row to get things "sorted".
I will not be too perturbed if at the end of my HT (12 months to go) nothing happens in the downstairs department as we have regular cuddles as well.
Hi John hope you are well!!
Best wishes Chris/Woody
Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint
User
Chris !
My soul mate . The one I can depend on. I needn't post anything anymore. You say it all for me.
Your sentiments are exactly as mine. Yet again ! And yes, I'm fine thanks . I trust you are too.
The relationship I have with my wife without sex is fine. I like being with her. We have a good rapport and understand each other well.
We had many issues regarding having children and went down the IVF route. That was stressful but we believed in each other and it was eventually successful.
So we've had testing times before. The main problem for her as I posted before, is that my wife wants to move away from constant tests and the uncertainty that brings. " let's move on " in her words.
It may sound strange to many of you but she really is disinterested in my visit to the ED clinic next week. It's just another reminder that I have PCa.
Maybe more appointments and no real gain. And I had some ED problems before dx as well but then being inhibited, didn't seek help.
How I've changed !!!!. We used to have an enjoyable sex life.
I want to go because I want to stay healthy by having erections and it may be good to try to restore some 'manhood' again. But that's probably me being self centred again. But if it doesn't work then I will not become disillusioned. - well I say that now ...
My relationship with my wife was not solely based upon sex before dx.
To me, sex is important ,but not absoutely essential for a good relationship . One post I read in response to a PCUK request for info for men seeking ED help earlier this year implied ,that we are too obsessed with sex. And maybe he was right.
I read many of the posts where ED is a major problem for many. It's good to be able to express ourselves freely here.
For those who've had RP then it's a known problem from the outset that assistance will be required long term.
For others like me who are HT/RT then there is the chance that something approaching normality might return (or maybe not ) after treatments are finished.
Whatever situation you're in ,I believe it's important to try to have a worthwhile life whilst enduring PCa. . And if sex is possible then that's great too, however achieved.
But some here have no partners . It could possibly be unsettling for them when they read some of the posts?
Enough from me. I've said too much today .
Best wishes to you all and that includes you, Chris.
John
User
Hi everyone. Thank you for uyour replys they have all been helpful. I am impressed so any of you gentleman post on here. My hubby would not be comfortable writing on here but instead will ask me questions of what I have heard on here.
We too took the view per f2f that if either was not feeling enthused in any way then was would not happen. This way you know it's 100% wanted not obliged to be done.
I too can live without sex if he gets to stay with me longer x.
I think with everything you are all coping with being selfish about your health is allowed. It is hard I will not lie to know that you may never feel fulfilled that way again. I will just say if you chaps wake up to a wife that has cuddled up whilst you slept try hard not to pull away as though you are horrified. Stolen cuddles are our last hope for the life you once shared.
My heart almost broke in two when my last stolen hugs were rejected and being told he couldn't bear being hugged.
Thankfully when he came off the HT for four months we talked about it as he became more like his old self and couldn't understand why I held back from hugs (emotional self defence). He's now happier to cuddle and be back to emotional whilst on the HT again.
Thank you all again.
Debbie
User
This conversation brings to mind a comment made by our urologist. It was our second appointment when he told us the results of the scans and that the PC had spread to David's bones. David asked what the impact of treatment would be on our sex life. We were really shocked to be told in a very cold and disinterested way 'I wouldn't worry about that because the treatment will make you lose any interest in sex'. That was the end of the conversation and David was clearly devastated.
This urologist was a man of a similar age to David. I wondered how he would have felt in David's position - I hope he might get a little more compassion and support!
Rosy
User
Debbie,
I was thinking about this post again and then saw your last reply.
In many ways your comments remind me of some of things my wife has either directly said or implied to me.
She said that I seem very cuddly now but were was I when she needed me ?
So thanks for this . It's good to be prompted to think about this issue from both perspectives. Rejected hugs are not nice.
Wishing you well
John
User
Debbie (also my wife's name) it's good that there are at least some cuddles now and it is very understandable that your hubby went into a bit of a shell during treatment. I expect it was focusing on his PCa and not realising that he had withdrawn from a touchy feely huggy relationship, it is like life really that every so often we need a bit of a kick up the backside to remind us that something that we once did has stopped or reduced, and that is not just buying flowers or choccies but some of the unspoken moments that mean so much. I know that I just have to see my wife, anywhere, walking away, towards, doing something it brings that same feeling that I had when we used to date and look forward to meeting up.
Something that needs to be addressed is how a specialist breaks the news and explains the treatment with all it's consequences in a compassionate way. Where do they get their training? Or is it just at the early stages of their career and as they become more expert at their chosen speciality subject they inadvertently forget the compassion bit?
My wife is like your husband Debbie, she does not go on this forum and just accepts that I read all the posts each day and also contribute where I can. She did want to know all about PCa at the beginning and during my treatment she has been my rock with comfort and support but the day to day observations that I see here do not interest her and I think that now I have a "low" PSA she has relaxed about my health situation with the view that, as I am on a trials programme, if something changes with my PSA etc then it will be dealt with promptly.
She has a view like mine now that says only worry about something when there is something to worry about. This view is only for PCa as she spends her life worrying about anything whatsoever!
John, my split personality, I must admit I have not plucked up the courage yet to go down the ed clinic route as like you I have always been a little bit "I can do this on my own thank you very much" but although no sex is not a big deal, it is still something that I miss and would like to do again given the option and the inclination so perhaps one day I will be brave/bold and do it!
As far as men being obsessed with sex I can only say it as I see it but believe that it is a big problem for someone of a younger age in particular as it is part of being "a man" for me personally it has never been the be all and end all of my relationship.
One of the problems with any discussion is that when we all have an input there are different points of view and feelings so it gets tossed around the ring a few times and maybe it appears that it is all we are thinking about. I for one can honestly say that, unlike the stereotypical man, sex is and has been a little down the pecking order of importance with my current situation knocking it right down to the bottom as it brings home how valuable life is and to me happiness is the key with being alive up there as well.
Best wishes to all, Chris/Woody
Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint