Ongoing lack of libido - - Page 2Sex and relationships - Prostate Cancer UK Online Community

User

Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 14:01

Hi Bobswife,

Just to say I totally understand your point of view. I grieved the loss of a sex life greatly and also felt like leaving many times, I was also sole carer making all the running as you say. My partner died nearly two years ago and I will never forget, how, for us, cancer took over and robbed us of our future and our relationship and his dignity, it was an awful time and I still am nowhere near forgetting just how sad. It helped me to know there were other women who felt the same and allowed themselves a good rant rather than the constant pressure to stay positive. No easy answers or platitudes here ! Throughout Neil's illness, I somehow found the strength to carry on, not easy but helped enormously by forums like this, it is such a lonely place as a partner. Be kind to yourself, life after a cancer diagnosis changes so much and as human beings it's hard to not be in control. My kindest regards,

Fiona.

Edited by member 15 Aug 2016 at 14:02 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 17 Aug 2016 at 19:32

My OH had surgery 20months ago. He's now age nearly 60 - I'm 47. He had/has continence issues post surgery, and although it is improving, it's improving very slowly. He also has ED.

He has also been very angry about his loss of function, and has just refused to discuss it. He has a pump, but hates it with a passion and has only used it twice. He has daily cialis 5mg, which doesn't produce enough of an erection to use, but with a bit of play it will certainly react. He also has viridal, which does work, but he hates it. After a close shave where a and e was almost required, he won't contemplate using it at night. He gets up (no pun intended) at 6.00 to sort the animals (farmer), and we have two kids to get to school. He has lost a fair bit of size, and he hates that too.

I struggle to get him to understand the difference between sex and penetration, but I think that's s bloke thing. Before Pca, we had sex maybe twice a week. Now twice a month is more likely, and that's not penetrative. I think I might have lost my temper about four months ago. I told him he was a selfish ** and that if he wanted to be an old man that was fine, but I didn't. I might have told him there was nothing wrong with his fingers....

Anyway, it helped. Sometimes you just have to shout.

User

Posted 17 Aug 2016 at 19:49

Well done Louise - you made your point well, I think :-0

I think the big step forward for me was when I bought a vibrator and gave it to him with a 'do you think you could learn to use this?' I was curling up inside and probably would never have used it by myself but he took me seriously. In fact, it is still quite a useful tool for taking away that panic he has if he loses the erection part-way through and I have recently discovered that holding it against his scrotum sometimes helps him regain the erection.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 24 Aug 2016 at 15:26

Hi everybody,
Just to let you all know that i appreciate you sharing your comments very much. It is a b**** without a doubt as currently he seems to suffer from some sought of viral disease and is constantly tired depressed and im so p****d off with it. Yes its good to have a rant and i will check back now and then to this site to see how people are coping as i have found it very useful. its good to hear the other side from partners aswell because you do feel guilty at being less than understanding and patient I have come to the conclusion that i am just going to get on with my own life and leave him to it. I have two lovely children a new kitten and a lovely house and work to be doing and also my mother to think about as well as myself haha so onward and upward and we will just see how things progress ive said to him I have nothing more to say about it all ive said it all now you deal with it or else we may as well separate. So the ball is in his court. i am beginning to think he just isnt interested though and there is nothing i can do about it! Best Wishes to you all.

User

Posted 24 Aug 2016 at 15:56

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I might have told him there was nothing wrong with his fingers....

I laughed out loud at work at this... http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-laughing.gif

User

Posted 24 Aug 2016 at 19:01

Edited by member 27 Aug 2016 at 21:02 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 24 Aug 2016 at 19:27

Ooooo.

User

Posted 24 Aug 2016 at 20:02

I'm so tempted to get involved but I won't. I honestly see both sides of the story. I feel for you both truly.
An ongoing happy sex life is achievable without an erection , even though it can be depressing a lot. But in a loving relationship , marriage or whatever , there is always a way. And there are a lot of toy-shops , eg Lovehoney.com. Before you know it you could be having more sex than most of your friends.
But lack of libido , and depression , and loss of self-esteem are very very real things and can destroy a man. The only way to get through this is total open honest discussion , and compromise. Everything in marriage is compromise !!
Hope you get it together x

User

Posted 25 Aug 2016 at 09:50

BobsWife, Barry,

It is so sad to read about two people looking into an abyss.

Just because it is not the same abyss does not mean that it is easier or harder for one or the other of you. It is your own private hell.

But, we should all be able to express our thoughts freely here, to vent, to seek advice and support. Or just share the pain. As long as we do not maliciously attack another. Having a pop at another to defend if they attack someone, well that will happen.

Some time ago a lady expressed her thoughts here and that included some dark humour, she was attacked for that. It was her way of dealing, and people had the choice to read or ignore her posts. This was her release safe place where she could say what she wanted about her position.

None of us know all that has gone on between BobsWife and Bob. And if she does issue the ultimatum, and she will not be the first wife/lady/partner to do so, and if it works, excellent. And if i does not work, and Bob goes down or alone, well what about the family, do they lose everyone to PCa?

I too can see both sides.

Bobs wife, i hope you manage to achieve some progress, however small, as you said you made some progress a few weeks ago. Slowly slowly catchy etc.

Barry - it appears that sex is not the be all and end all for BobsWife, that Bob has other issues that are affecting him and their relationship? So it is not as simple, as "if you can not perform etc".

I hope that you both manage to make some progress and in time back away from your abyss.

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 25 Aug 2016 at 21:14

Actually if you read my posts its absolutely not about performance its about intimacy my husband has been suicidal and I have fully supported him and helped him through and he obviously knows that and appreciates fully that what he is going through is not easy for me or for him sometimes you just cant do anymore so the choice is to accept things as they are or find another way to live a happy life I dont have any answers to any of this either I only have my and his experiences which I have shared here with some of you. Its not a question of loyalty or love really its about how much you are prepared to compromise of your own needs and if that makes you miserable what is the point in making each other miserable and adding to each others burden of unhappiness I dont think there is a right or a wrong there is just what works for you as individuals. Theres only so much self sacrifice one can give Im not a saint and am not aiming to be. Its very difficult dealing with the pressure of continuous illness and thats how it is. We will see! Best wishes to you all!

User

Posted 26 Aug 2016 at 22:35

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

WOW,

and there was me thinking through thick and thin,for better or worse, I could say more but I won't, how wrong can one man be

Im out of here ,last post I think, I prefer the dark side

Barry as a man

Atb

Dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 26 Aug 2016 at 22:36

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Post of 26August at 22:36:44 reported.

atb

dave

edited to remove the abusive post

Edited by member 28 Aug 2016 at 05:38 | Reason: Not specified

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 27 Aug 2016 at 12:17

I don't want to add fuel to any fires and therefore hope what I write below will be taken as my attempt to mediate, it always amuses (sic) me that we live in a country where free speech is allowed but then not always?

So before I was diagnosed at 49 my sex life had gone from great and frequent to ok and less so. This was I believe part due to my oh accepting that we would not have another child and part I guess down to familiarly, tiredness, etc. So if you like , I had a higher drive than her. It never crossed my mind about seeking outside assistance with others and despite discussing on a few occasions accepted, albeit reluctantly, that her right to not want it was as equal as mine to want it. My friends seemed to be generally in the same boat although there was the odd " lucky " one!

Then came an effectively terminal diagnosis followed very shortly by the inability to function that way. Perhaps my wife was secretly pleased, I whilst not frustrated as I have no urge, miss what I would call " full" intimacy . It's a. but like looking back on some best memories that one knows will never be again. It makes me sad and I think it does for my oh a bit too however, just like before diagnosis we both have to accept the status quo here. We both realise as others have said, life is for living, my wife is very supportive of my running both in time and cost, I am supportive of whatever she wants to do, it's a fair exchange.

On the positive side our closeness is now all genuine I'd I don't do nice things during the day in the hope of a reward later and she no longer has any headaches in the evening!

This forum has been a haven for me since I first went to the doctors with symptoms. I have never reread my old posts but I imagine there are many words I wrote due to the emotion of the time, I hope I never offended or scared anyone else but accept that when you write freely that could be a bi-product. Reading others posts on this thread reminds me of the things I have had to deal with plus some yet to come and confirms my thoughts about what my oh has to go through, I genuinely don't know which is worse.

With effort, openness and tolerance we can all get there.

Kev

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User

Posted 27 Aug 2016 at 20:57

PM FROM DAVE TO BARRY

HI Barry,

Sad to read the content of your posts recently.

I do have an appreciation of what you may be going through.

I have had all those experiences you listed, most hurtful of which was the totally disinterested partner.

It's a sad lonely place to be.

Was for me anyway.

Are you able to discuss your thoughts with anyone?

Are you getting support?

I hope your today is better than your yesterday?

atb

dave

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CARING PM DAVE , FORGIVE ME IF I DON'T REPLY

Barry

Edited by member 27 Aug 2016 at 21:51 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 28 Aug 2016 at 05:35

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CARING PM DAVE , FORGIVE ME IF I DON'T REPLY

Barry

Good morning Barry, Google "irony".

A lot of men have been through what you are going through. Some coped better than you, others not as well as you.

None of that gives you the right to abuse others looking for help.

From now on I will ignore your threads and posts unless I can offer support or the benefit of experience.

atb

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 05 Sep 2016 at 19:53

Hello to all
Hoping you are all well. Just to update the situation my husband and have decided to give each other some space and now we have separate rooms we had a massive bust up the other day and he actually revealed some of his feelings regarding MY behaviour which although hurtful was at least a breakthrough. He is though now beginning to be aware of his passive agressive behaviour and how destructive that is. His festering anger which he has had for many years and we believe probably was the cause of his first marriage breakdown is thankfully now being addressed in his counselling sessions. He has told me that he is now going to do all he can to try to change his old habits and be a more thoughtful partner. I of course have my own part to play in this and have told him that I will concentrate less on him and put myself first for a change then hopefully my resentment will be less intense. We have discussed separating but we are going to take things slowly and see what happens. I have told him that I dont trust him to change so he really he needs to regain my trust in him. I hope some of you find the partner side of the story helpful the emotional difficulties have been the most difficult part of all this for us it really does test our relationship. We are continuing to work at it. Best Wishes to you all!

User

Posted 05 Sep 2016 at 20:34

Hi Bobswife - glad to see that there has been some progress for both of you. Mental illness can be debilitating for everyone concerned and I hope you find a way through this together.

Edited by member 05 Sep 2016 at 20:35 | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 05 Sep 2016 at 21:14

Ditto

the above.

atb to you both Bobswife and bob.

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 05 Sep 2016 at 22:06

I wish you both well with getting through a difficult time.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 23 Sep 2016 at 14:03

Dear All
Would like to share the latest update with you all as you are all so supportive. My husband has recently had to have a bone marrow test and another biopsy on his lymph nodes and we are now awaiting results unfortunately his mystery illness has worsened and a last visit to the consultant meant me telling them in no uncertain terms that if they didnt sort out a diagnosis of what was going on with him then he would end up hospitalized as he has lost an awful lot of weight and is very weak cant eat much has very bad night sweats apparently a swollen spleen and several swollen lymph nodes in various parts of the body acording to an MRI continual sore throats and headaches. Do any of you have experience of developing lymphoma or myeloma following PCa treatment or does this sound like the PCa has spread. This illness has been on going for about 18 months now but has become very much worse in the last three months. As for the emotional side I'm trying hard to go out and see friends, go and see bands and do things without him as sitting at home every evening listening to him coughing and looking dreadful and he has the most awful reeking bad breath, is just too much, sounds self centered I know but i have to keep myself boyant as i dont want it all to go to pot. He is now on steroids for a week whilst they sort out test results which will hopefully make him feel a bit better.Dont know how he is going to cope if he has to have Chemo as he is currently so ill.

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Ongoing lack of libido - Erectile dysfunction (ED)

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