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impact on partners-roles reversed!

Posted 20 October 2017 08:11:02(UTC)



4 years ago i was diagnosed and had RT and so far so good.

The first 3 weeks after diagnosis was so bad. I was completely inside myself and distraught. My wife did all the research and pulled things together. She also went to work and had her mum to look after. During that time i never thought about the impact on her.

After 3 weeks and talking to people and realising my scores weren't high and the cancer could be dealt with I came round and decided to fight it. My doctor advised me to increase my time in the gym so i would be fitter after the op. I love going to the gym so a great excuse to go more!!

Also i realised i did not want my wife to have to worry so much about me so i aimed to be positive and try to be as normal as possible. I also followed this aim after the op. Apart from the first week of being so tired and groggy when i couldnt do much, i tried afterwards to be as independent as i could.

Now the tables have turned. My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer last August and she is stage 3. She had an op which was successful but the medication she is on makes her so tired from the effect on her bones and muscles. She already had osteo arthritis and this condition has now worsened. 

Now suddenly i understand how she must have felt when i was diagnosed. But of course my story so far has been easier and i am on the mend. Breast cancer is so different. So many complications and sadly its a long battle.

I like to think that my experience has helped me cope and deal with my wife's condition. I feel quite strong and do whatever i can. But mentally it's quite drainng and its not good to see her in pain and so tired. We have just returned from a holiday in the sun and in the last week she could hardly walk. I had to move her around in a wheelchair at the airports on return and so relieved to get back safely. Today she has her 6 monthly check up so you can imagine its not something we are looking forward to.

I am using this post as a way of talking about it as both my wife and I put positive faces on in front of family and friends. But when we are alone we know things are worse than we tell. Also as she is struggling to walk its becoming evident to others that things are not going well. 

Everyday lots of people are diagnosed with cancer of some sort and this then has a massive effect on family. but its only in the last year that i understand the effect it has on the close family and partners.

Posted 21 October 2017 07:25:54(UTC)

Thanks for posting, and good luck with her review.


-- Andrew --

"I intend to live forever, or die trying" - Groucho Marx
Posted 21 October 2017 08:08:44(UTC)

John, it normally the family who bear the brunt of Cancer, if you notice on this forum, there’s a lot of Ladies asking the questions.

With us my wife had Breast Cancer just over a year before my PCa, so she knew how to deal with my treatment.

You aren’t alone, feel free to ask anytime, there will always be someone on here who’ll answer your questions.

(You don’t actually say what is making your wife extra poorly, it’s possible to ask her Oncologist to amend her medication)


Posted 21 October 2017 11:53:25(UTC)

Thinking of you and your wife John.

It's good that you care so much about each other. I do hope that the doctors can figure out what has made her condition deteriorate and do something for her.

Best Wishes


We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
Posted 25 October 2017 21:15:52(UTC)


Thanks for replies and comments.

We went for the 6 monthly check up last wednesday and the doctor was concerned about a small lump. A recent mammogram showed this as fluid. He suggested a scan and possible mri. The scan was today and the result was clear. The lump is from damage from the radiation treatment. A big relief as we expected the worst.

The doctor said the medication, letrazole. my wife is on cannot be changed. It does cause muscular and bone pain. If you already have arthritis then this drug makes it worse. Some women find the pain too much and they come off the drug and take a chance that the cancer will not return. My wife has considered this option at times. She has to take this for at least 5 years and maybe 10!! The doctor said that my wife is not the first person to have to use a walking stick after treatment.

So the day started expecting the worse but now we have had a glass of wine to celebrate better news.

The last year has been a bit of a nightmare and so difficult to watch this and see my wife in such pain and have so much worry. But we keep going  and of course i am relieved i am fit enough to look after her



Posted 26 October 2017 08:20:35(UTC)

Glad the news was relatively good John.

As long as you still have each other eh?

Enjoy every little bit of quality time you can. Sod the housework. If the sun is shining try and get out in it

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
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