Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
I think that the thing that upsets me the most is actually not the sexual and physical act but the complete indifference to any form of togetherness. It’s as much as he can do to sit next to me or touch me and not because he’s in a mood or tetchy just because he now has absolutely no desire for any involvement in any way and doesn’t think this is unusual. He’s out and about chatting and living his life as normal in every other way ( which of course is great but if I said it doesn’t matter then I would be lying. 😒
For me as a man, this is a very direct call to action. Yes, the impact of cancer treatment has a devastating impact on our sexual functions, but it is up to us to adapt in a way that maintains our most important intimate relationships. If it feels like beginning all over again, so be it.
I empathise with Catlady's husband - except I fervently believe it is the pretence of complete indifference to any form of togetherness for him. I've been lucky with my treatment and my relationship with my wife, but what I know is that about 4 months in, with repeated experiences of intimacy leading to disappointment for me, I could feel that urge to stop intimate connection, just like your husband, and go "out and about" in other ways that were non-sexual and therefore more satisfying. I felt myself pulling away from my wife emotionally because that closeness just brought up the hurt, pain and confusion.
Even though I understand logically that intimacy is not dependent on erections, I found that my body still felt terribly confused when sexual energy doesn't translate into erections. Nine months in, I am beginning to get used to it. It's a radical change and your husband needs you as an ally, not to distance himself.