Relationships

I think that your reply is very insightful Peter. I’m not sure why my hubby doesn’t reach out for a cuddle any more, but I’m guessing that it is because it often was a case of one thing led to another and now it doesn’t, so that’s probably why. The loss I’ve felt has been enormous over the years and that’s rarely acknowledged, certainly not by the health professionals, though they don’t mean to be unkind. If I were to sum up, I’ve lost my career, my sex life, my expected future and the husband I once had (he’s still here but he’s different). I try not to let it bother me as there’s no point, I’ve been grieving for nearly nine years and I still have to face the final loss. I adore my husband and don’t want to make his loss (he’s lost so much too) worse, so I never mention any of this to him.

I am a cup half full kind of gal most of the time, but I do recognise that over the years some of these things have tipped me over the edge. I’m deeply grateful that I still have my beloved man, despite his bloody illness, which has ruined our lives. I’m also sad that we have had to live like this, with the sword of Damocles over us and the horrible indignity and pain that he has suffered through these long years.

i hate this disease.

love to all of us suffering from it in our own way

Devonmaid xxxxxxx

Hello Chris,

I think maybe you need to allow some time for the effects on Alan's mind to settle down. It is early days for you both yet. But saying that I don’t think you should settle for a life without sex just yet ! There are many ways to skin a cat and you both need to work together.

I went on HT Jan ’18 and am still on till this October fingers crossed. I had the HD Brachy and RT (23) as well, finishing last August. I am 64 and my wife is 55 so I’m very conscious that I need to think of her needs through this.

The HT affected me far more than the Brachy or RT. The HT, and probably the diagnosis initially caused me to unlock some boxes from a difficult childhood and so I really struggled at the beginning. Luckily I have a good counselor. But I did feel I needed constant comfort from my wife so I still needed the cuddles etc. In fact so much so that she wasn’t used to it and needed to tell me to back off a little! I had never cried in my whole life before and then suddenly I cry at the drop of a hat and wanted a hug…I had suppressed emotions from my childhood and suddenly they are all there - i was overwhelmed.....

I did try too hard at the beginning with regard to the sex and that actually wasn’t helping….I found the 100mg Viagra was great but is for a planned event and we just didn’t get on with it. So eventually settled on 5mg daily Cialis and can now , even whilst on the HT, have normal full sex. Maybe this is unusual while still on the HT I don’t know, but even before we got back to full sex I did my best to satisfy my wife. I have also luckily regained the desire and libido. So I wonder if a lot of the loss of libido is in the mind. The HT does devastate the mind and I know I will be seeing my counselor for some time yet……….there are no easy answers.

Your OH will likely be terrified of the future – I know I am. I had Gleason 9 so quite likely to have recurrence but you have to learn to not dwell on that and enjoy what you have.

Maybe you can find some time to talk about your needs to your OH. Although I think you mentioned him being very private which makes it more difficult. But then we never talked about intimate stuff before but we have discovered that we have to do it now.

You’ve turned off the motorway and are winding along a bumpy country lane now , but you might find something along that route that you would never have come across on the motorway. I feel we are closer now than we have ever been.

I hope you can find a route that suits you both,

Good luck.

Phil

Chris J,

Yes I agree, and I understand your reticence to go on the HT. Absolutely did my head in and I am still suffering. What of this is due to just knowing you have cancer and what is actually due to the HT i don't know. All I know is what I felt and feel now. The HT certainly seems to affect everyone slightly differently.

I never completely lost my libido but seemed to lose the ability to exercise it 😒. But over the months my libido has returned to my normal level and so has my ability to have sex ( i'm pleased to say) . No idea how much the Ciallis has to do with that. But i suspect a lot has to do with confidence and not worrying about not performing. In other words the first time was a bit of a surprise - a pleasant surprise.

I am also working hard to offset any effects on muscle/bone development. Its an up and down journey as any illness or injury seems to take forever to recover from. But it feels so good to exercise so it must be good for you.... I've also lost nearly a stone now   - again good for the ego , which needs a polish up once you get this disease. So Tough Mudder on 4th May here i come 😬.

Just gotta find another job now as I finish this Friday - a bit earlier than planned. Agency work sucks - I should know by now after over 40 years ! 

Anyway, good luck to all out there, and like you Chris J i love reading about all the different journeys people are making.

Phil

Hi Phil

What a fabulous, encouraging post. I thank you so much for putting my faith back in human nature and resilience. Allen and I have chatted over the past couple of days about lots of things and things are certainly better than they have been. I have told him that his irritability has hurt me and he agreed that he’s noticed that he has been short tempered and he’ll take that on board and wasn’t even aware that he had been distant with me with regards to the closeness between us. 

I’m so pleased that I posted and I’m happy if it has helped others too. 

Chris J, enjoy your cruise 👏🛳 and Phil, you go go go in the tough mudder in May🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️

Chris 😻

Hi Cat lady

since I responded to your first post, I have worried that perhaps my reply didn't offer you any reassurance, and that was not my intention at all, and it did seem that several other replies were along the same lines. However one or two other comments have,I think, been more positive, and I would like to stress that while HT and it's effects have altered our lives in ways we would not wish, we have really tried to share the prostate cancer "journey", talking to each other in a way we perhaps didn't before the diagnosis. It hasn't always been easy, my husband, like yours, is a very private man and doesn't find it easy to talk about his feelings, but I hope he has learnt not to shut me out too much, and I try not to "nag" too much.  That said every now and then I do loose my cool, and feel the need to put my foot down when he is being especially stubborn or withdrawn!

The past three years have been a rollercoaster of emotions, fear and anxiety, but we have also had a lot of fun and laughter, and while the loss of our sex life is a deep regret, we know we love each other and have much to be grateful for.

I hope you are able to reach the same place.

Best Wishes

Fran