Hello Chris,
I think maybe you need to allow some time for the effects on Alan's mind to settle down. It is early days for you both yet. But saying that I don’t think you should settle for a life without sex just yet ! There are many ways to skin a cat and you both need to work together.
I went on HT Jan ’18 and am still on till this October fingers crossed. I had the HD Brachy and RT (23) as well, finishing last August. I am 64 and my wife is 55 so I’m very conscious that I need to think of her needs through this.
The HT affected me far more than the Brachy or RT. The HT, and probably the diagnosis initially caused me to unlock some boxes from a difficult childhood and so I really struggled at the beginning. Luckily I have a good counselor. But I did feel I needed constant comfort from my wife so I still needed the cuddles etc. In fact so much so that she wasn’t used to it and needed to tell me to back off a little! I had never cried in my whole life before and then suddenly I cry at the drop of a hat and wanted a hug…I had suppressed emotions from my childhood and suddenly they are all there - i was overwhelmed.....
I did try too hard at the beginning with regard to the sex and that actually wasn’t helping….I found the 100mg Viagra was great but is for a planned event and we just didn’t get on with it. So eventually settled on 5mg daily Cialis and can now , even whilst on the HT, have normal full sex. Maybe this is unusual while still on the HT I don’t know, but even before we got back to full sex I did my best to satisfy my wife. I have also luckily regained the desire and libido. So I wonder if a lot of the loss of libido is in the mind. The HT does devastate the mind and I know I will be seeing my counselor for some time yet……….there are no easy answers.
Your OH will likely be terrified of the future – I know I am. I had Gleason 9 so quite likely to have recurrence but you have to learn to not dwell on that and enjoy what you have.
Maybe you can find some time to talk about your needs to your OH. Although I think you mentioned him being very private which makes it more difficult. But then we never talked about intimate stuff before but we have discovered that we have to do it now.
You’ve turned off the motorway and are winding along a bumpy country lane now , but you might find something along that route that you would never have come across on the motorway. I feel we are closer now than we have ever been.
I hope you can find a route that suits you both,
Good luck.
Phil