Thanks Bri and Lyn. I just want to say something of the realist in me which resists this sense that I have years stretching ahead for me as you suggest Bri, though I understand and appreciate why you say this. From the outset my mind set has been focused on the present, ensuring I have as much quality time as I can in whatever time remains. I am less concerned about quantity, in many ways I let the disease take care of itself. It will eventually transform and my life will become sticky. But I resist making predictions about long term survival. I think for three reasons.
Firstly it goes against the diagnosis. I have bone met spread and sit firmly in the incurable and ultimately terminal camp. I will take whatever time is given me of course I will but I never lose sight of that outcome.
Secondly dreaming you have lots of time leads to planning and expectations. I think one reason why this assessment was uncomfortable was that I so wanted to do the things I have planned up to the new year. I built up the check up and became concerned lest something got in the way. I have avoided that thus far and stayed more in the present.
This then is my third reason. This stems from that 'fiction of immortality' I talked about in the old file, ever decreasing circles. I am under no illusion that death is a 100 per center. So it happens to be this disease which will in all likelihood end my Iife but something else could intervene. Given that acceptance I can stay in the present. In my head tomorrow is what matters. I have found my life much richer for this focus than it has been for some years. So whilst I am caring for the present time takes care of itself. So in January I can look back and say I have made three years. If I make another three I will have filled my life with so many good memories. I don't need the fiction of immortality. I believe this is what TopGun did so well in what was a relatively short period left to him in the end. His motto is at the top of my favourite phrases. Ben also understood this too so well.
I do this becaue I do not want the disease to dominate my life. When people say to me you look well they do not need to know the disease is lying there waiting to pounce. I am for that day well and therefore that's enough. This for me is an optimistic philosophy that sustains me in moments of doubt. Hope these thoughts may mean something for others on this site.