Just a wife.....

Hi, Just reading your story brings it all back, I to had the same readings 3+4 Gle 7 and also PC extended out side Prostate.It was hard to come to terms with at first but you must be positive I am 64 and this all happened nearly 4 years ago. I had MRI scans before meeting my Consultant with his team all a bit mind blowing at first, he said we are here to help you are your wife get through this. We were told of options RT/BRAC/LAP/Robotic he theirs no rush to make up your mind as you have had it approx 10 years, what I said. We had a chat and went for Robotic,had to wait 6 weeks. All went ok home on second day had cath fitted had some fun with that, 10 days later had it removed had to use pads for about a week then dry their after. Saw consultant PSA 0.1 told he had removed L/R lymp nodes right came back positive cancer.I had 18 mths HT implants and tabs to many side effects became bit of a devar, nearly 4 years on life's good we are stronger together PSA is still low 0.4 last count check every 3 months. So keep in their above all you must keep talking and crying together. all the best Rodders.

Hi Jam's wife,
he has depression - have you talked to his GP and described your worries? It is true that a GP can't discuss Jim with you without Jim's permission but that doesn't stop you from expressing your concerns. Being diagnosed, going through treatment and then dealing with the fall out would make anyone distressed let alone having to deal with all of this at the age of 48. He probably feels cheated and may be struggling with the whole identity / what defines me as a man / what does the future hold?

When he says you don't 'get' it, what do you think he is referring to? The whole 'getting cancer' thing or perhaps the impact of the side effects? You say that his continence is good but you haven't mentioned the sex side of things. Perhaps you are both at cross purposes on at least part of the story as you say he didn't have positive margins (which is good) but it might have spread to the bladder (which is very not good) early PSA suggests no spread (which is good) but there have been concerns and complications (which is bad).

So your post reads to me like you are being quite upbeat whereas I can see exactly why he might be devastated and frightened and complaining that you don't 'get' it. He opted for surgery in the hope of a cure and so far, he is not getting that 'whoopee, they got it all' feedback he had expected. Do you know exactly what his PSA was or did you simply accept it when you were told that it was okay? He should really have had two PSA tests by now so has he had a result that he didn't share with you? Usually, the test is done around 6 weeks post op then 3 months later and three months after that so in Jim's case many urologists would have had it checked in August and again in November although it might be that the complications have messed this timetable up a bit. He probably feels that he has been left in limbo facing the possibility that the treatment he chose has not been enough.

We don't know your relationship or the extent of his selfishness or even how deep the depression is and whether he has had mental health problems in the past. You need to be very clear that no-one has the right to make you feel worthless or fearful - even if it is someone with depression - and I am afraid you must also think properly about the impact Jim's depression may have on the children as your first responsibility is to them .... perhaps that is a good place to begin the conversation with Jim about why you are worried about him, why you want to know more about his results & side effects (if you are not already fully understanding these things) and why you think he may need more help. Apart from the GP, emotional support which is specifically for people with prostate or other cancers & serious illnesses can be found from the specialist nurses on the phone number at the top of this website, from the hospital where he had his treatment, possibly from his nurse specialist if one was allocated, from Macmillan or the Maggie's centre if there is one in your area.

I have a brother who is bipolar, and when he is depressed, how ever you try to put a positive point across, there is always a bigger negative. It is incredibly difficult to deal with. I don't live with him, but I know it is on the point of impossible when he is down. I feel for anyone living with a partner with severe depression, as well as the person themselves.

Sharing thoughts, through counselling with a 3rd person if necessary, will help you both to appreciate each other's point of view. I have had my wife fully informed all the way through, and have not let the disease knock me mentally. However, being under 50 and with a young family, it must be so much harder to deal with.

For the sake of your young children, open up to each other, Only then can the mental healing begin, along with your husband's physical recovery.

One more thing - the physical side of your relationship is also in tatters. This needs mentioning to your GP or at your next referral.. Meanwhile, try and cuddle whilst watching TV, give a peck on the cheek as he is going out. Starting the little things now can help make a big difference later.

Paul

Hi,

Please don't beat yourself up about not 'doing enough'. You are probably doing far more than you imagine and as others have commented, if your husband is depressed or going through some emotional trauma, his comments may well be driven by this and would not be the case if everything was 'normal'. My partner certainly changed through the course of his illness, it was so very hard to see this and to try to be there and do the best I could. You cannot go through this for him, only with him and that means looking after your own health too. Looking back, I realise that with my partner there were times when it was the 'disease talking' rather than him, didnt stop me feeling upset but helped me realise some things werent meant personally.

However, having this out in the open is a good idea. Let your husband know the impact his comments has on you and what he wants you to do to make him feel you care, specifics rather than general things ! He may not know himself quite honestly ! Hope you find some solution to what is such a very difficult time,

Regards, Fiona.