It is now almost 23 months since I had op to remove prostate. So far my PSA tests have come back as virtually undetectable so obviously I am pleased about that. My next PSA test is due in early December and I would be lying to say I am not nervous but I live in hope that a low PSA result will continue (I will post results in due course).
I do not regret my treatment and of course I am glad to be alive. On the whole life is good and I know I have much to be thankful for. It was always my wish to do whatever I could to simply get rid of the cancer but this has come at a price – the dreaded ED!
I do get periods of depression about this. My wife is as always simply wonderful. Her view is that I am alive and that is all that matters. Of course she is right but I am having great difficulty mentally accepting this. The loss of manhood has really affected my self esteem as a man.
I have tried Viagra etc and they leave me feeling quite rough with gastric reflux. Somehow I would accept this side effect if the tablets worked where they are supposed to.
I have mastered the use of MUSE but even the maximum dose only produces a partial erection, which is not hard enough for penetrative sex. There is some discomfort for a while afterwards but I have coped with this.
I use the pump for penile rehabilitation. However, I do find the rings quite uncomfortable. I have managed to consummate my marriage post surgery but I have not been able to finish (if you get my drift). The rings seem to de-sensitise the area and then I either run out of energy or things begin to deflate!
My ED nurse has been great but regular consultations have now ended. However, I do have one more open appointment left but this will only be to receive instructions regarding injections – he has left the onus on me to pursue this. I am still not mentally prepared to go down that route but I have not ruled it out yet.
On a positive note, for about 3 months or so I have been getting what seems to be the beginnings of a nocturnal erection. Sometimes if I wake up in the night I notice there is definitely a thickening although nothing useable. This is getting more regular. However, as soon as I have spent a penny it goes back down again. I have also tried to give it a little helping hand but once again my friend goes down.
My worry is that the position at 24 months is likely how things are going to remain. Can anyone reassure me there is still some hope please?
My libido is fine and whilst I am very pleased about this it only increases my frustration. The thought of never being able to do what comes naturally again bothers me. My wife teases me and suggests I see my GP to get something to curtail my desire but I am not ready for that yet!
Please forgive me for painting a gloomy picture. I know I am otherwise greatly blessed. I also know that sex is not everything but I do so much miss how things used to be. I sometimes feel guilty but I reason within myself that I am only human with natural human needs.
Is there anyone out there in a similar position to me (around the 2 year mark)? How have you coped mentally? For those who have passed the 2 year mark, do things get better?
As always your support is very much appreciated.