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Am I the only one ? - Sex

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User
Posted 03 Dec 2014 at 23:38
Hello

My husband had surgery three years ago. It has been successful, the cancer has been beaten.

The initial feelings of relief, of being pleased that he was still alive that the cancer had gone, gave way to feelings of sadness, anger,guilt, resentment, frustration, feeling less feminine. I supported, encouraged my husband wholeheartedly but was missing the physical side of our relationship. I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter...that the important thing was we were together, he was cured, he was alive. I bottles up all my feelings, never spoke of them to my husband...protecting him, sparing his feelings, not wanting him to feel inadequate.

I ended up having an affair. It ended but my feelings of guilt were immense. I felt guilty for the affaire, guilty that I missed the sex, guilty that I had betrayed my husband. I eventually told my husband.

Although shocked he forgave me and said he understood the reasons why it had happened. We talked...more openly, frankly. He admitted that he had perhaps avoided the subject...didn't want to admit that he no longer gave me what I wanted, didn't want to admit that I might miss sex ( or penetrative sex). We have explored and been adventurous in our sex. Things have improved, sex is now possible with the help of a vacuum pump. ( drugs and injections were not as effective).

But our relationship has taken a knock...I you would imagine that it would be he that had feelings of impotence, depression, inadequacy, resentfulness...but it's me !!!!

I feel that my status as a woman..my femininity has been usurped. It's not longer me that arouses my husband...sex is not possible because of me...of his desire for me...it's a pump!! I feel angry, guilty and IMPOTENT!! I know that he loves and desires me...I know that he wants to make love to me...I know he enjoys it..but for me everything has changed. I am finding it tough to come to terms with.

I have moved out for a while...to enable me to think clearly, to find out what my priorities are. I read articles and forums...but nobody seems to feel like me...I feel like an insensitive, greedy insatiable monster.

I realise that all my feelings correspond to all the stages of grieving....shock, denial, anger,disbelief,depression, sadness, not accepting the future, grieving for a past relationship....I haven't got through it yet.

I Supported my husband through the diagnosis, surgery, convalescence...I was positive, encouraging..optimistic, then suddenly everything hit me at once. This period also coincided with my menopause and perhaps a identity crisis and fear of aging..of no longer being desirable. The affair was to prove to myself that I still 'had' it'..that our problems were not my fault. I love my husband and I know he loves me..but I felt a failure..that all my love was not enough to make things like they were before. That I could do nothing to give him an erection. I long to be able to feel the physical manifestation of his desire for me. I hate the pump...it has taken my place. I am struggling with all this....my biggest feeling is of guilt. Guilt that it was him not me that got I'll, guilt that I feel resentful, guilt that my sexual appetite led me to have an affaire, guilt that I miss the sex we had before, guilt guilt guilt. I feel like a greedy,dissatisfied, selfish monster.

And all I read on sites and forums is how the sex isnt everything..that cuddles, love, tenderness, other sexual practices , friendship ,openness, compensate.

For me...for us it doesn't :-(

User
Posted 04 Dec 2014 at 09:50

Dear Isabelle,
I read your post with much sadness. I am sad that your husband has had to go through it, like all of our husbands and partners.
I am sad that the results of his treatment have left you feeling like a "greedy, dissatisfied, selfish monster. "
That isn't who or what you are.
You are a wife/partner whose life has been turned upside down.
You are definitely not alone in feeling as you do.
I'm older than you, I've been married for 45 years and I've been through the mini hell that is menopause.
Those feelings you describe are not particular to you, to some extent I felt them.
There is little you can do about it, except perhaps go to the doctor for yourself regarding the menopause and how it is making you feel. There is help there for that, help to get you over the feelings you describe.

If you love him, and you say you do, then you will have to move forward together.

This disease is NOBODY's fault. It is what it is. How we deal with it is the key.

You know your husband loves you and wants to love you. It is his body letting him down, not his mind.
He hasn't "gone off" you, ceased to desire you, he just has to have help in physically showing it.

I was having a little moan to myself this week about how our lives have changed.
Gone is the spontaneity, instead we have to plan an hour in advance so that he can take the tablet.
In my head I regret that he can't suddenly say how about it then and pop upstairs for awhile.
In my heart I know that, awkward as it is, clinical as it is, I do still have him here. His company, his teasing, his laugh.

You haven't reached that stage yet because you are still mentally locked into your dream that you and you alone can overcome the ravages that his body has gone through.

Give yourself time. Don't hate yourself, or him.
As you say, you are still going through the grieving process and, like recovering from a bereavement, it takes time.
Keep posting here. You will have expressed what a lot of partners are feeling. You are not abnormal in any way.
Best Wishes
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 04 Dec 2014 at 01:52

Hi,

I'm sorry that you having such a difficult time.  People who have never gone through something like this don't realise that it's partners of those with prostate cancer who suffer just as much.

I'm sure there are many wives and partners who feel just the same as you but are afraid to say so. 

I feel guilty most of the time that because of me, our lives will never be the same again.  I will never be the same person I was before diagnosis.  It not fair on my wife and I wouldn't blame her for feeling exactly the way as you do.  But sometimes it can also bring you closer together.  I've been married for over thirty years and you do reach a point where you start to take other for granted.  But this has brought us closer together because we're afraid there's something in our lives that could mean we could lose each other.

I think all you can do is to talk to each other and say how you feel.  Probably some sort of councilling would help.  I've often found writing things down in a letter to my wife helps too, in much the same way as you have posted this message.

I'm sure you will find support on this site.  I'm sure what you are feeling is very natural.

Steve 

User
Posted 04 Dec 2014 at 08:54

Hi Isabelle,

I went through so many of the feelings you had when Neil was diagnosed. I remember feeling so bitter and sad that our lovely physical relationship changed with his diagnosis and treatment. It was a form of grief brought on by the stress of the disease and how our lives had changed but like you, I spent much time feeling guilty. I remember this time last year actively thinking of having an affair or getting out before he became too ill. He was never going to try the range of aids to help with impotence and so on as he always had a certain amount of discomfort. Although I acknowledged at least he was alive, it didnt stop me having the feelings of sadness and estrangement from him. It is such a huge and unwanted adjustment for both the man and their partner to come to terms with and as you say, not something often openly expressed as it is so personal.

You can only bottle up feelings and try to protect someone else for so long but, as a human being you have your own feelings and thoughts to cope with and it is so hard. I know it is a cliche, but try not to feel guilty. You have been under extraordinary stress which no-one can appreciate unless they have gone through it. It is totally understandable you feel cheated of the loving relationship you had, I felt all these things and got angry with Neil that he wouldnt try any means of helping our sex life. At the same time I absolutely adored him and understood from his side as well. There isnt an easy answer but just to reiterate, you are not alone in this, please take some comfort from this.

 

Regards, Fiona.

User
Posted 04 Dec 2014 at 10:22

Hi Isabella,

I expect your not alone in your feelings, your relationship has been changed not by choice but by circumstance, its been forced on you and now you find yourself struggling to accept the situation, its a very real dilemmia, I dont think theres a clear cut answer, a one size fix all solution.

Secretly inside all of us men there is intense anger, resentment, hatred of the freaking pump, the pills we have to take, weve been robbed our sex lives and some of us the ability to get an errection on demand, our manhood has been diminished and we feel powerless, but this is the hand that life has dealt us, we didnt volunteer for it, our choices are limited so its probably easier for us to accept our fate, for many of us this is how it is.

I understand what youre going through, dont be too hard on yourself "to Err is human"

I expect its taken a lot of courage for you to post here.

 

                                                                  Regards, john

 

User
Posted 05 Dec 2014 at 01:24

Welcome to the world of PCa :-(

It does get better though and some of your feelings may be linked to your menopause rather than your husband's situation .... it could have been that you would have felt the same things but seen something else as the catalyst.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 05 Dec 2014 at 09:57

Hi Isabelle,

Firstly I'm going to say thank you for your brave and candid post.  It's never easy dealing with these things.

I've got absolutely no advice for you, but I would offer you a couple of ideas which perhaps you might find helpful.

I've often worked on the basis that there are three basic and fundamental psychological needs for humans, namely, Intimacy, Identity and Security.  These are like the psychological versions, of Food, Water and Shelter.

Security is some degree of freedom from threat/harm, some degree of safety.  Intimacy isn't necessarily just sexual or even physcial intimacy, it can also be a sense of connectedness / belonging or of having some sort of kindred spirit with (an)other(s).  Identity is a mix of how we see ourselves and how we think others perceive us and it includes such things as our sexual identity, our work 'masks' and how we think we fit into society, family, etc., etc.

Old habits die hard they say, and the thought of losing your previous type of sexual relationship with your husband must be scary in many ways and quite challenging.  It is bascially a form of bereavement, that you are being made to leave something behind as life journeys forward.  Like many journeys, life has a habit of sometimes taking unexpected twists and turns.  That will be the same for your OH too.  He also will be bereaving the loss of his sexual prowess and coming to terms with the changes which have been forced upon him.

Before my prostatectomy, I was especially fearful of significant urinary incontinence.  I guess really I feared embarrassment, inability to continue many day-to-day tasks, the potential threat to my employment and earning abilities, etc., etc.  It really has all turned out to be a lot of worry about not very much.  Hey ho, I'm back at work and almost 'dry'.

Perhaps some of your genuine fears, like mine, will seem - with the passage of time - to have been a tad exaggerated.

I remember many years ago a priest/monk telling me how celibacy wasn't a matter of denying your sexuality, but more a matter of channelling the energies you would use in your sexual relationships into your 'ministry'.  Perhaps there's something useful in the idea that perhaps the effort and energy that you previoiusly used in your old type of sexual relationship could be channelled into this new, perhaps less-than-perfect situation.

And, as we all know, PCa can lead to the loss of a whole husband, not just loss of one aspect of your relationship with your husband.

Whatever, the fact is the decision as to what you do rests with you and you alone.  I do rather hope that whatever you choose to do, you will find a way to continue to accompany the husband you clearly do love along his journey in life, and he along yours.

With every best wish

Patrick

Life is a journey. You can't move forward on a journey AND stay in the same place.
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User
Posted 04 Dec 2014 at 01:52

Hi,

I'm sorry that you having such a difficult time.  People who have never gone through something like this don't realise that it's partners of those with prostate cancer who suffer just as much.

I'm sure there are many wives and partners who feel just the same as you but are afraid to say so. 

I feel guilty most of the time that because of me, our lives will never be the same again.  I will never be the same person I was before diagnosis.  It not fair on my wife and I wouldn't blame her for feeling exactly the way as you do.  But sometimes it can also bring you closer together.  I've been married for over thirty years and you do reach a point where you start to take other for granted.  But this has brought us closer together because we're afraid there's something in our lives that could mean we could lose each other.

I think all you can do is to talk to each other and say how you feel.  Probably some sort of councilling would help.  I've often found writing things down in a letter to my wife helps too, in much the same way as you have posted this message.

I'm sure you will find support on this site.  I'm sure what you are feeling is very natural.

Steve 

User
Posted 04 Dec 2014 at 08:54

Hi Isabelle,

I went through so many of the feelings you had when Neil was diagnosed. I remember feeling so bitter and sad that our lovely physical relationship changed with his diagnosis and treatment. It was a form of grief brought on by the stress of the disease and how our lives had changed but like you, I spent much time feeling guilty. I remember this time last year actively thinking of having an affair or getting out before he became too ill. He was never going to try the range of aids to help with impotence and so on as he always had a certain amount of discomfort. Although I acknowledged at least he was alive, it didnt stop me having the feelings of sadness and estrangement from him. It is such a huge and unwanted adjustment for both the man and their partner to come to terms with and as you say, not something often openly expressed as it is so personal.

You can only bottle up feelings and try to protect someone else for so long but, as a human being you have your own feelings and thoughts to cope with and it is so hard. I know it is a cliche, but try not to feel guilty. You have been under extraordinary stress which no-one can appreciate unless they have gone through it. It is totally understandable you feel cheated of the loving relationship you had, I felt all these things and got angry with Neil that he wouldnt try any means of helping our sex life. At the same time I absolutely adored him and understood from his side as well. There isnt an easy answer but just to reiterate, you are not alone in this, please take some comfort from this.

 

Regards, Fiona.

User
Posted 04 Dec 2014 at 09:03
Thank you for your thoughtful reply Steve,

Re reading my post I do realise that I sound selfish and self centered. I feel that it's not me that has the right to feel as I do, the feelings of inadequacy and loss. But also I feel bitter that all the information available pre his operation ( We don't live in the uk) was for the patient...there was little to prepare me for the consequences. And as we had a good sex life before I was convinced that I could perform miracles....that other couples were just happy to give up on sex because they weren't interested any more. I was so sure that my encouragement, patience, positivity,love would be all we needed. I was prepared for difficulties...that things would take time and probably never be as good as it had been....but the feelings that I have described in my post shocked me. It is true as you say that it brings you closer, we talk more, and more frankly, we talk about things we never did before. We feel at ease telling each other exactly what we feel, what we desire. I hope I can get my head straight, that I can overcome my depressing depressed state. I want to...I am not going to throw away over 30 years together. I want to be with him, I like being with him.....I liked the sex we had too....and I miss it dreadfully :-(

User
Posted 04 Dec 2014 at 09:50

Dear Isabelle,
I read your post with much sadness. I am sad that your husband has had to go through it, like all of our husbands and partners.
I am sad that the results of his treatment have left you feeling like a "greedy, dissatisfied, selfish monster. "
That isn't who or what you are.
You are a wife/partner whose life has been turned upside down.
You are definitely not alone in feeling as you do.
I'm older than you, I've been married for 45 years and I've been through the mini hell that is menopause.
Those feelings you describe are not particular to you, to some extent I felt them.
There is little you can do about it, except perhaps go to the doctor for yourself regarding the menopause and how it is making you feel. There is help there for that, help to get you over the feelings you describe.

If you love him, and you say you do, then you will have to move forward together.

This disease is NOBODY's fault. It is what it is. How we deal with it is the key.

You know your husband loves you and wants to love you. It is his body letting him down, not his mind.
He hasn't "gone off" you, ceased to desire you, he just has to have help in physically showing it.

I was having a little moan to myself this week about how our lives have changed.
Gone is the spontaneity, instead we have to plan an hour in advance so that he can take the tablet.
In my head I regret that he can't suddenly say how about it then and pop upstairs for awhile.
In my heart I know that, awkward as it is, clinical as it is, I do still have him here. His company, his teasing, his laugh.

You haven't reached that stage yet because you are still mentally locked into your dream that you and you alone can overcome the ravages that his body has gone through.

Give yourself time. Don't hate yourself, or him.
As you say, you are still going through the grieving process and, like recovering from a bereavement, it takes time.
Keep posting here. You will have expressed what a lot of partners are feeling. You are not abnormal in any way.
Best Wishes
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 04 Dec 2014 at 10:22

Hi Isabella,

I expect your not alone in your feelings, your relationship has been changed not by choice but by circumstance, its been forced on you and now you find yourself struggling to accept the situation, its a very real dilemmia, I dont think theres a clear cut answer, a one size fix all solution.

Secretly inside all of us men there is intense anger, resentment, hatred of the freaking pump, the pills we have to take, weve been robbed our sex lives and some of us the ability to get an errection on demand, our manhood has been diminished and we feel powerless, but this is the hand that life has dealt us, we didnt volunteer for it, our choices are limited so its probably easier for us to accept our fate, for many of us this is how it is.

I understand what youre going through, dont be too hard on yourself "to Err is human"

I expect its taken a lot of courage for you to post here.

 

                                                                  Regards, john

 

User
Posted 05 Dec 2014 at 01:24

Welcome to the world of PCa :-(

It does get better though and some of your feelings may be linked to your menopause rather than your husband's situation .... it could have been that you would have felt the same things but seen something else as the catalyst.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 05 Dec 2014 at 09:57

Hi Isabelle,

Firstly I'm going to say thank you for your brave and candid post.  It's never easy dealing with these things.

I've got absolutely no advice for you, but I would offer you a couple of ideas which perhaps you might find helpful.

I've often worked on the basis that there are three basic and fundamental psychological needs for humans, namely, Intimacy, Identity and Security.  These are like the psychological versions, of Food, Water and Shelter.

Security is some degree of freedom from threat/harm, some degree of safety.  Intimacy isn't necessarily just sexual or even physcial intimacy, it can also be a sense of connectedness / belonging or of having some sort of kindred spirit with (an)other(s).  Identity is a mix of how we see ourselves and how we think others perceive us and it includes such things as our sexual identity, our work 'masks' and how we think we fit into society, family, etc., etc.

Old habits die hard they say, and the thought of losing your previous type of sexual relationship with your husband must be scary in many ways and quite challenging.  It is bascially a form of bereavement, that you are being made to leave something behind as life journeys forward.  Like many journeys, life has a habit of sometimes taking unexpected twists and turns.  That will be the same for your OH too.  He also will be bereaving the loss of his sexual prowess and coming to terms with the changes which have been forced upon him.

Before my prostatectomy, I was especially fearful of significant urinary incontinence.  I guess really I feared embarrassment, inability to continue many day-to-day tasks, the potential threat to my employment and earning abilities, etc., etc.  It really has all turned out to be a lot of worry about not very much.  Hey ho, I'm back at work and almost 'dry'.

Perhaps some of your genuine fears, like mine, will seem - with the passage of time - to have been a tad exaggerated.

I remember many years ago a priest/monk telling me how celibacy wasn't a matter of denying your sexuality, but more a matter of channelling the energies you would use in your sexual relationships into your 'ministry'.  Perhaps there's something useful in the idea that perhaps the effort and energy that you previoiusly used in your old type of sexual relationship could be channelled into this new, perhaps less-than-perfect situation.

And, as we all know, PCa can lead to the loss of a whole husband, not just loss of one aspect of your relationship with your husband.

Whatever, the fact is the decision as to what you do rests with you and you alone.  I do rather hope that whatever you choose to do, you will find a way to continue to accompany the husband you clearly do love along his journey in life, and he along yours.

With every best wish

Patrick

Life is a journey. You can't move forward on a journey AND stay in the same place.
 
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