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Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life

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User

Posted 08 May 2015 at 01:18

Hi,

Probably not the best decision I've ever made but spending the night at Pinewood Studios photographing the election count for the Beaconsfield constituency. I'm going to be shattered tomorrow as I'm working tomorrow too. This is not good for my health.

Wake me up someone.

Steve

User

Posted 08 May 2015 at 06:34

Hi,

6.30am Still no result yet, this is getting beyond a joke. Been awake for nearly 24 hours now, mostly working. I need my bed. I've still got to drive 30 miles home once they announce the results.

Steve

User

Posted 08 May 2015 at 08:09

Hi,

Home at last. Going to have a few hours sleep before my next job.

Steve

User

Posted 12 May 2015 at 14:09

Hi,

One year ago today, I went to my GP (at the insistence of my very sensible wife) to check out my peeing problems.

A PSA test was carried out at my local hospital the following day, resulting in a figure of 48.85 and my life changed forever.....

Steve

Edited by member 12 May 2015 at 15:01 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 12 May 2015 at 19:54

But , you are a year on and starting to get stronger. Yes you have had had horrible things to deal with but for now you are on an upward trend.

I am looking forward to hearing about a future half marathon ( when you are ready!!!!)

Stay strong Steve.

Kev

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User

Posted 12 May 2015 at 21:35

Hi Kev,

Thanks, very true.

Began a twelve week MacMillan Wellbeing Course this morning. Basically an exercise course that I was referred to while I was in hospital in March. Pretty much like the Cardiac Rehab Course I attended just after my angioplasty in January but the MacMillan nurses thought it could only help me, especially as I've felt pretty low recently. Exercise helps with fatigue and makes me feel happier.

Dared to do a little bit of jogging this afternoon. Less than a mile. The first since before my radiotherapy in October (and the heart attack in November). I felt awful, I hope it's just the effect of the medication and that I feel very tired at the moment. If this is my new normal, as my consultant says, I'm determined to get beyond this stage.

I think the half marathon will have to wait for a little while though.

Steve

Edited by member 12 May 2015 at 21:38 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 12 May 2015 at 22:39

Hi Steve
Good for you with starting the jogging and exercises and even thinking about a half marathon.

I find that setting an objective however far ahead is always motivational, it probably is spin off from my ex work when I had to complete 5 year and 1 year plans.

I'm sure you'll get there, your health sounds to be improving and so now to your physical strength and stamina.

Paul

User

Posted 13 May 2015 at 08:32

Steve

Brilliant that your exercising. The first steps can be the hardest. Hope you're able to keep it up and take it further.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 13 May 2015 at 13:40

good on you steve for getting out their, sometimes even for people without what you are going through find it tough to get out the door with running shoes on

if I can help with any advise please let me know, I have my own little running group aimed at folk who want to start getting into running, am a UKA qualified coach, we always start off with a jog then a walk and repeat until eventually its jogging all the time

never feel embarressed about what you are doing I will support you all the way

just remember its still only one foot in front of the other but slightly faster

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 14 May 2015 at 20:02

Hi,

My lovely wife happened to read my posts last night and was really upset by what I'd written at times when I was feeling very low. Sometimes, when you feel this way you often write things you don't really mean because you're hurting and just want to hit out at someone. She felt it painted her in a very bad light, which wasn't really my intention.

When I woke this morning, I found this list, on my bedside table to remind me of the support she has given me. Reading this, I entirely agree with everything she said.

I asked her if I could share what she wrote with you on my thread. I feel I owe it to her after some of things I wrote.

This is what she wrote:

Am I Guilty ?

It was me who persuaded you to get it checked out.

It was me who sat with you and held your hand through all the tests.

It was me who fell to pieces when given the bad news, you were strong.

It was me who couldn’t sleep and cried all night long.

It was me who struggled watching you go through the treatment.

It was me who sat with you in the park and talked.

It was me who cried in Resus during your heart attack and told you “I love you”.

It was me who was at your bedside in hospital, never leaving you until I was made to.

It was me who was told by the doctor “Nice to see such devotion”.

It was me who tried so hard to get things right.

It was me who failed because of your depression.

It was me who was shocked by your secret and lies.

It was me who was hurt by the things you discuss with your community friends.

It was me who was criticised by people I don’t even know.

It was me who was left heartbroken after 35 years.

It is me who is wondering if I should leave.

It is me who is guilty of all of the above.

I can only say "I'm Sorry" for the hurt I caused and say how much I love her.

Steve

Edited by member 14 May 2015 at 20:12 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 14 May 2015 at 23:56

Steve

It is clear that you have been suffering from depression, due to what has happened to you. Maybe your wife has to?

I don't recall you criticising your wife at all, infact the contrary. Everybody deals with this disease in different ways as we are all affected differently.

You have both had a lot to deal with.

The written word can be taken out of context and I am sure that she will understand that this forum is somewhere that you can chat, share your feelings with others who are in the same boat.

Maybe from now on, share the posts so that she does not feel excluded? Or perhaps she could join us too (this or another forum - I think there is one on facebook for wives?).

I hope that you are both okay. You obviously love each other so can get through this - it is just another symptom of this damn disease.

Alison

Edited by member 14 May 2015 at 23:58 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 15 May 2015 at 07:43

Hi Steve.

In very bad times when we are at our most vunerable we hit out at those closest to us. Unfortunately they are the ones we love the most. I dont know if it's some warped feeling that if they get angry with us they will find it easier if it all ends. That is not true, obviously it would make it much worse as I have witnessed but at times of despair we are not very rational. I have followed your post all the way through and like many have gained from the support you have given to me and others. I like others on this forum will have read the posts where you were not kind to your wife but this was in your darkest hours and I did not believe it was truly meant. I am sure that your wife will come to understand why these things were said at the time they were said and forgive you. She has been through an awful lot as well possibly with no one to turn to for help. Keep positive and now you are starting a fitness drive a new hobby could be added, I believe brick kaying is good for building bridges.

keep well and keep posting.

my very best wishes

John

User

Posted 15 May 2015 at 08:32

Steve

I'm very sad to hear that you have unintentionally upset you wife. My Steve had terrible depression after his heart attack, said dreadful things that could never be taken back and upset family and friends. I had to keep telling myself that it wasn't "my Steve" saying those things that it was "ill Steve". It wasn't easy and it almost came to make or break for us, but I wasn't about to let 27 years together count for nothing.

Steve still has difficulty talking to me about PCa, and any anything that involves emotions generally. This is why I joined this forum, my Steve never will - I can tell him what's been said and that's ok but that's it.

Please tell your wife that unfortunately she's not on her own with her thoughts, it happens a lot. I fought hard to get us back to pre depression mode but it was certainly worth it and I'd definitely do it again without a second thought.

Thinking of you both, with all best wishes

Maureen

"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." A A Milne

User

Posted 19 May 2015 at 19:15

Hi,

Important week.

Did my second Macmillan Wellbeing Exercise session today, tomorrow is my third "Talking Therapies" session and on Thursday, a trip to the hospital for my PSA test followed by an Stress Echocardiogram (to check out my heart problem).

A week today, I see my oncologist for the first time for six months where she will give me the PSA results and tell me everything is fine, hopefully. When I saw her for my last check up six months ago, she told me I was fine and twelve hours later I had my heart attack. Hope it's different this time.

Starting to feel nervous about my PSA test. Hope it's gone down.

Things are still a bit difficult.

Steve

User

Posted 19 May 2015 at 20:35

Hi,

Just depressed myself now.

I've just weighed myself and the result was I'm back up to thirteen and a half stone, a gain of a quarter of a stone in a week. This is following a week where I have been exercising everyday, cycling, walking and jogging. Yesterday, for work reasons, I had to walk 5 miles in the morning and in the afternoon cycled 10 miles. This morning, I walked about 3 miles and then had my exercise session.

I haven't been aware that I've been eating more than normal recently. Perhaps I've eaten some of the wrong things, maybe to cheer myself up. Certainly I don't feel happier now, I'm paying the price.

Before my heart attack (November), I weighed twelve stone and my weight was falling.

I'm going to have to work harder at it.

Steve

User

Posted 19 May 2015 at 23:30

Hi Steve,

That sounds like real progress to me, as you probably know exercise is good for the mind as well as the body, something to do with endorphins I think. I must admit when I was a member of a running club there were several people with various running related injuries, friends who didn't run were ok!

Weight gain isn't always a bad thing, I'd be concerned more about weight loss.

Regarding your appointment with the oncologist look at it as a positive that she only wants to see you every 6 months, I see my oncologist every 6 months as well and am hoping the time between appointments will increase but I'm not sure that it will but 6 months isn't too bad

Although I have met people like you Steve only on this site I really feel that I know them personally because of their honesty and openness In the way they share their issues, it's such a help a encouragement to many

Take care of yourself and keep updating us with your progress

All the best, Arthur

User

Posted 20 May 2015 at 00:15

Steve

Is it possible you're turning fat to muscle, and hence the weight gain? Enjoy exercise for the sake of it. Setting yourself weight loss targets might be putting too much pressure on yourself.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 20 May 2015 at 11:05

Steve,

there is no good working harder at the wrong thing. It will be a waste of time and perhaps become even more demoralising?

You hinted that you might be eating the wrong thing, so that may be where your first step needs to be, moving forward start to eat well and healthily.

I doubt that your weight increase will be due to muscle growth after only a week or so? and you would need some serious effort to start "replacing" fat tissue with muscle tissue, you do not "turn fat into muscle". You could start to measure your measurements as well as that will demonstrate if you are putting on volume and on what ratio to weight increase.

Keep a food diary, you might be surprised at how much you are actually tucking away through the day.

good luck

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 20 May 2015 at 14:23

Steve

For what it is worth SNAP ... I have been really happy with my progress in terms of fitness I love going to the gym and any form of exercise makes me feel good. I lost quite a bit of weight to start with but since then I have hit a plateau. So now I am really focusing on what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat and more critically for me what I drink.

I eat when I am hungry and always something after the gym. I eat off a smaller plate and put less on it than usual if I feel contented and there is still food left I stop eating. I have had to break a lifetime taboo of not wasting stuff but I do keep leftovers and try to use them later.

My biggest downfall is wine so I try not to have it when I am at home alone.

As we get older it seems to get harder also you have had a fairly long break from serious exercise so weight gain was inevitable.

Follow Dave's advice and keep a food log.

Don't go inventing another crisis to beat yourself up over you don't need one.

See you soon

User

Posted 21 May 2015 at 13:28

Hi,

Feel a bit stupid, forget to stop cycling before having my PSA test today. Hope it doesn't affect my results.

Steve

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