Hello Sidney and welcome
When my husband was diagnosed we did not initially tell either our adult son or daughter as it was too close to Christmas.
When we did however, the fact that he was put on active surveillance meant that we felt we could be very open about it. Our daughter and grandson had also had cancer a couple of years previously so they tended to take it in their stride.
Once the big C word was mentioned their first reaction was what is the treatment.
The fact that there wasn't any was a big relief to them all.
We kept them informed following each blood test or hospital visit so they felt they were in the loop.
It was only when my husband's PSA started to rise a little bit after a year that we had to make a decision regarding treatment.
Although that decision was ours to make, both of our children expressed interest in what that decision was to be.
A lot would depend on the personalities of your children, adults or not. Are they likely to jump to the conclusion that you are seriously ill and panic?
As your children are male then they will need to know so that they can get checked.
You could be on active surveillance for many years and both you and your wife will be holding that information inside you, trying hard not to let it inadvertently slip out.
Anyway, that's what it was like for us and how we dealt with it.
Other folk might have a different view point.
Personally, I feel they have a right to know and if you treat it matter of factly then it will be OK.
Only you, of course, know how your children are likely to react.
Edited by member 01 Feb 2015 at 22:42
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User
This can be a difficult decision but it is equally difficult to say nothing. I have adult children and they were the first to know. Their support throughout the last three years has been really important to me. We have shared the journey so that there is no mystery. Sharing for me has meant that we are in the same page sharing the same history and for my son he is informed now about PCa so that when the time is right he can take action on screening.
I believe children will want to support you and may feel upset if they were to find out later. But these are my own thoughts and you know your children the best. There are no easy answers but hope you can make a decision which you and they will be happy with.
User
My dad and father-in-law told us immediately after diagnosis and although we waited a month to tell our children when John was diagnosed, that was only so that Christmas would not be spoilt. Our son was a bit upset to begin with, to think that he was at increased risk himself but the benefit is that he has been able to change his diet early to help protect himself. Our urologist and onco both believe that if young men eat a prostate-healthy diet, they can prevent prostate cancer from developing later. I am sure your sons would want to support you and your wife, who may sometimes feel upset but worried about upsetting you, and will appreciate the opportunity to think about their own lifestyles early rather than too late.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
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User
Hi, I am 49, my children are 10, 14 and 16 and my PC is advanced so you could say that we have little in common however I told my kids shortly after diagnosis and after a few days of questions and a bit of initial upset it has brought us closer together. They all now understand the importance of a healthy lifestyle ( mine was not bad before but it's better now) and to a small extent for them but larger for me life is more in perspective. My kids are still kids and behave as such but they want to do more together. Not sure if that helps but I don't see a down side and as your kids are older they need to understand what they could do to help themselves now as others have said above. Kev
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Hi,
I was diagnosed with metastatic PCa with mets in the spine ribs and pelvis. I am however in pretty good shape. I have one daughter aged 49 and five sisters and one brother. I have spoken with all of them and they know the extent of my PCa. Interestingly, two of my sisters wanted to come and see me and did so. Both have said that they were surprised by how well I looked. Not sure what they expected!!
We are a large family and always support each other when needed so I did not have any thoughts about not telling them. Two of my sisters and my wife are retired nurses so there was a greater understanding.
It seems to me that it is far better to let family know early rather later when ones condition has deteriorated.
Looks like all the post would agree that it is best to let the family know rather than not.
Hope this helps.
Nest wishes,
Davey
User
Hello,
We thought it only fair to tell all the children, my partner was married previously, so his oldest 2 are 29 and 31. Our 3 children are 13, 11 and 5. Obviously the youngest doesn't understand anyway. We didn't say anything until after the biopsy results. To start with we were just watching it, so we told them, but after a few months and increasing psa we have recently gone along the brachy route.
The 3 boys at home are not allowed to sit beside him for 4 months (as radioactive) so we have had to explain t to them. As for the oldest 2 they would have been furious to find out at a later date. As 4 of the children are boys they will need checking in years to come too.
User
Thank you all for your help and understanding in this difficult time for all of us. I take on board all your experiences and they have given me a much clearer and more positive thinking on what action to take. I wish you all well for the future. I will let you know how I get on with my decision and reactions from my actions.
User
Hi it is hard telling children or family, my husband had no symptoms and no warning at all for his PCa, and tragically when it was diagnosed it was too late, no treatment worked. At the outset We told both his grown-up children, my step daughter was with us every step of the way and is a major and vital part of my life, always has been. My step son took it all in but was very quiet about it all, approaching his 40th birthday he was angry that the disease can be hereditary his relationship with us had always been hard, however I think he is adult enough to know that he needs to be aware.
Ironically his mother's breast cancer is just as likely to pass on the susceptibility.
You have been fortunate to have an early detection and even after active surveillance a chance of curative treatment. Telling your boys now and making them more aware of any possible symptoms means you are passing that chance on to them.
Only you can make that decision
Xxx
Mandy Mo
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I have 4 grown up children, 3 of them boys. They have all been incredibly supportive and son number 2 who lives in Thailand, has been doing lots of research and sending me links to all sorts of web sites and related things. He even had his PSA test done out there - he's 37 and it was 1.1. He was concerned as the median was said to be less than that for someone of his age.
So I think they need to know and I'm sure you'll value their support
Good luck
Guy
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Hi Telling your children is always hard and every family is different as is every child , we did not really have a choice as Trevor was so poorly at diagnosis it was obvious that what ever was wrong was extremely serious. Trevor has older children (my step children) ranging from 45 to 27 and then we have 2 boys together 15 and 10 , so age ranges across the board.
Everything is out in the open we decided not to keep anything back from them including our 10 year old . Did we make the right choice, we will never know it is not something that you can go back and replay. One thing is for sure we made the decision that we felt was right for our family .
Only you know what is the right choice for your children my only advice would be go with your heart .
BFN
Julie X
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Hi all. I'm new to this forum but it was interesting to find this converstation as it is a subject I am currently struggling with. I was diagnosed in January and am waiting for appointment for surgery in April. One of my sons is getting married at the end of March so I've decided (and the wife agreed) not to say anything until after the wedding. My daughter lives in Australia and will be coming to the wedding, returning to Oz a week after. However, I know if I tell her, she'll stay until after my surgery which I don't really want her to have to do. But I want to tell her face to face. Bit of a dilema there. I also don't plan on telling my son until he returns from honeymoon, by which time I might have already had the surgery. Second dilema. Then could wait until after surgery and tell them so no anxiety for them on the lead up. Still mulling it over.
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Personally, I would tell them now but keep it low key - "I have been diagnosed with cancer but at an early stage and nothing to worry about, let's all have a wonderful wedding and worry about this later" We took this tack, telling one of our children at the football while watching Newcastle United lose, one at the pub playing darts, and two over breakfast. If you tell it with high emotion, it is more likely to cause anxiety.
If I lived in Australia and only found this out as I was preparing to fly home, I would be pretty livid with my parents. In my view, she has a right to know early so that she can make a fuss of you and make the time home count. Perhaps it is a daughter thing?
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
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Thanks for your thoughts Lyn. Of course I want to keep it low key and not overly concern my kids. But how do you say things like "early stages" (when it's not) "nothing to worry about" followed by "I'm having surgery in April"? To add to the complications, one of my daughter's friends from uni lost her dad a couple of years ago to prostate cancer. Think I'll wait until I know my surgery date and decide the how and when then. Still mulling.
User
Well it's all done. I opted to leave it until after my son's wedding. Nothing significant was happening with regard to treatment so waited for the big day to be over. Did my best but daughter still broke down and had a cry. But we spent the day together and we talked the whole thing through and she gradually recovered. My two sons, who I told separatly, were shocked, asked loads of questions, googled PCa, asked more questions, and now seem to have accepted where we're at and are being very supportive. Which is great. Chatting to them after the event we all agreed there is never a good or right time for these kind of conversations and the first 5-10 minutes are the worst. Once past that the conversation gets easier.