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Striking up a relationship

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User
Posted 17 Mar 2015 at 21:20

Hi everyone, I'm new here and had a look around all the posts that might have covered this topic but not found it covered.

I was diagnosed with Pca last summer after having a template prostate biopsy (35 needles under general anasthetic). A very low level cancer was detected (previously missed by normal biopsy) and I asked my GP if I would be able to give blood as I have done for some years. He did not know for sure so I contacted the Blood Donation service and they said that I could no longer give blood. This set me wondering, if I am considered not a healthy supply of blood are there any health risks to those around me, particularly sexual partners.

 

I am 55 and was divorced several years ago but very recently I have got to know a lovely lady in a platonic way. Things may develop but I am in a quandery.

1. Is there any health risk to a sexual partner from having Pca?

2. I suffer some ED, which I had before the Pca diagnosis as I had an enlarged prostate anyway. At some point in a growing relationship this will become an issue that needs to be discussed. The timing of this conversation is tricky to say the least. It is presumptuous to raise the topic of sex before that sort of relationship is on the cards, but to wait until you both want it is so far down the emotional path that to raise it at that point makes it seem as if I have hidden the fact and elicited a commitment under false pretenses. Either way it could wreck a burgeoning relationship.

Sometimes I think I should just back away and become a monk before things get out of hand, but we are fond of each other so I am torn.

Any advice?

David

 

User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 00:21

Hi Snooker,
not only can you no longer give blood but they won't accept your organs after death either :-( Giving blood was very important to John (he was one of those Gold Top plasma givers) and our surgeon - seeing that it mattered - told him that if he got to the 10 year remission mark, he would be able to start donating again. The blood service said that was borrocks and took him off their list.

Re sexual partners, no there is no known risk to the people you have sex with. Just avoid bleeding directly into their bone marrow.

Re new relationships, my dad and our dear friend R have both been in this situation. Both mentioned early on that they had been treated for PCa, and then fairly soon after explained that the treatment side effects meant that they can't have penetrative sex without some help. And then they left it at that for a while. In dad's case, it was planning a holiday that brought the topic up again and I think he jokingly said that if they were going to share a room he would need to pack his injections. It has never been an issue since - his lady friend just accepted it and they have been together for about 9 years now. I don't know how our friend got from mentioning to explaining properly but he did and they have been together for a few years as well. Your new friend may be post menopausal and wondering how the hell she is going to broach with you any difficulties she has so between you, you might need a whole toybox of goodies ... tablets, pump, penis rings, KY jelly, something with batteries, chocolate ......

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 11:19
Good point Luther

Mick was so sad that his organs could not be used even for research purposes, he had been a blood donor like Lyn's John and had carried an organ donor card since they were introduced. I can understand in some ways but surely PCa research could have benefited?

Anyway, regarding new relationships following treatment I would say it is always best to be open and honest about your treatment and why you have had it, just because you are preparing the grounds it does not mean you are expecting a sexual relationship. I would like to think that someone you are sharing part of your life with would want to know and if she wants the relationship to work in that way then she will do all she can to help you both find your way to an enjoyable and satisfying physical relationship.

If it were me I would definitely want to be told, not so that I could judge or decide up front if it concerned me but because it would show me that you are an honest Man with the very best of intentions and that you are not wanting to get her so deeply emotionally involved before you tell her that she feels a little bit let down or betrayed in any way.

I hope that makes sense.

xx

Mo

User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 19:12

I don't think blood can be screened for Pca either, otherwise it would be a standard test instead of needing biopsies. The PSA test is the best available and we know that is not a reliable indicator.

User
Posted 02 May 2015 at 08:45

Clarification of the organ donation situation from Cancer Research UK.

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancers-in-general/cancer-questions/can-i-be-an-organ-donor-if-i-have-had-cancer

Tony

TURP then LRP in 2009/2010. Lots of leakage but PSA < 0.1 AMS-800 Artificial Sphincter activated 2015.

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User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 00:21

Hi Snooker,
not only can you no longer give blood but they won't accept your organs after death either :-( Giving blood was very important to John (he was one of those Gold Top plasma givers) and our surgeon - seeing that it mattered - told him that if he got to the 10 year remission mark, he would be able to start donating again. The blood service said that was borrocks and took him off their list.

Re sexual partners, no there is no known risk to the people you have sex with. Just avoid bleeding directly into their bone marrow.

Re new relationships, my dad and our dear friend R have both been in this situation. Both mentioned early on that they had been treated for PCa, and then fairly soon after explained that the treatment side effects meant that they can't have penetrative sex without some help. And then they left it at that for a while. In dad's case, it was planning a holiday that brought the topic up again and I think he jokingly said that if they were going to share a room he would need to pack his injections. It has never been an issue since - his lady friend just accepted it and they have been together for about 9 years now. I don't know how our friend got from mentioning to explaining properly but he did and they have been together for a few years as well. Your new friend may be post menopausal and wondering how the hell she is going to broach with you any difficulties she has so between you, you might need a whole toybox of goodies ... tablets, pump, penis rings, KY jelly, something with batteries, chocolate ......

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 07:32

Excellent reply Lyn

I didn't think about organ donation. Feels like a kick in the teeth on many levels that

Bri

User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 07:44

Me neither, Brian - both my OH and I have always said without hesitation we would donate our organs. :(

Stay Calm And Carry On.
User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 08:12
I hadn't realised that you can't donate organs!!😂😦
User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 10:54

Interesting reply from Lyn regarding blood and organ donation...

I wonder what happens to blood that was donated by individuals who have PCa  but are not aware of the fact at the time?

I was a regular blood doner and according to my consultant my PCa was more than likely  present for years before I was diagnosed...

Is blood screened for PCa in some way?....

Luther 

User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 11:19
Good point Luther

Mick was so sad that his organs could not be used even for research purposes, he had been a blood donor like Lyn's John and had carried an organ donor card since they were introduced. I can understand in some ways but surely PCa research could have benefited?

Anyway, regarding new relationships following treatment I would say it is always best to be open and honest about your treatment and why you have had it, just because you are preparing the grounds it does not mean you are expecting a sexual relationship. I would like to think that someone you are sharing part of your life with would want to know and if she wants the relationship to work in that way then she will do all she can to help you both find your way to an enjoyable and satisfying physical relationship.

If it were me I would definitely want to be told, not so that I could judge or decide up front if it concerned me but because it would show me that you are an honest Man with the very best of intentions and that you are not wanting to get her so deeply emotionally involved before you tell her that she feels a little bit let down or betrayed in any way.

I hope that makes sense.

xx

Mo

User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 11:44

I would think blood must be screened nowadays as there was the situation some years ago where some people were given blood infected by HIV and there must be the possibility that blood doners may unknowingly have HIV, PCa etc.

Barry
User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 12:00

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I would think blood must be screened nowadays as there was the situation some years ago where some people were given blood infected by HIV and there must be the possibility that blood doners may unknowingly have HIV, PCa etc.

Yes Barry,

There must be some sort of screening process I would have thought..... but currently there is no reliable blood screening process for PCa?

PS..... Sorry Snooker147 I didn't mean to hi-jack your Post.... http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-smile.gif

User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 18:21

Thank you for the brilliant answers, and I am glad it has brought the issue of organ donation to the wider audience. I had also wondered, like Luther, about men who must have given blood, some for many years, with undetected Pca.

Item (1) - risk to a partner, is answered. Thanks Lyn.

I can see now, with the help of your responses, that item (2) has two separate parts to it. You can get in a bit of a tiz sometimes and cannot see the wood for the trees.

I can see now that mentioning the Pca does not automatically infer or suggest anything further - though I am not seeking sympathy either.

At the moment I am on Active Surveillance so apart from my biopsy day in hospital, which was before we met, there is no evidence of my condition.

If the subject of sex does arise (no pun intended!) your point, Lyn, about the other person possibly having their own issues is well taken. I should not be so self centred.

Mo, your answer makes perfect sense and is very helpful.

Thank you all for your speedy and valuable answers and support.

David

 

User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 18:59
I don't think blood will be screened for pca, or they would have to do it for all prospective cancers and would be too expensive.
User
Posted 18 Mar 2015 at 19:12

I don't think blood can be screened for Pca either, otherwise it would be a standard test instead of needing biopsies. The PSA test is the best available and we know that is not a reliable indicator.

User
Posted 30 Apr 2015 at 19:13

Hello was very glad to find this thread as I am in a similar situation and found it very helpful. Thank you very much.

User
Posted 02 May 2015 at 08:45

Clarification of the organ donation situation from Cancer Research UK.

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancers-in-general/cancer-questions/can-i-be-an-organ-donor-if-i-have-had-cancer

Tony

TURP then LRP in 2009/2010. Lots of leakage but PSA < 0.1 AMS-800 Artificial Sphincter activated 2015.

 
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