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User

Posted 07 May 2015 at 19:23

Please don't judge me for this post, I suddenly feel very alone.

My long term lover (3 years plus) has just been diagnosed with aggressive PC.

His number one priority is to help his family and friends come to terms with his diagnosis, and that is how it should be. But I'm a secret, and he is my secret and I just don't know who to turn to.

He's really very poorly and I have to rely on him being well enough to update me but if (God forbid) anything happens I won't know.

Thank you for reading this and I'm sorry if anyone is offended by what I have said

User

Posted 07 May 2015 at 20:10

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the forum that no one wants to join! I can promise you that nobody will pass judgement on you and if you feel you want to ask questions or just vent someone will always respond. I can imagine it's very very hard if you are a secret.

I just want to wish you well and let you know I'm thinking of you.

Trish x

User

Posted 07 May 2015 at 21:26

Hello Mary

I'm a wife of 28 years standing but I'm not here to judge.

My husband received his formal diagnosis earlier this week, I can't imagine how terrible it must be to carry your partners diagnosis on your shoulders and not be able to discuss it with anyone. I've had one mini meltdown and numerous early morning coffees with my best friend during the last couple of weeks.

As Trish says, this dreadful illness has thrown us all together but we are here to support each other.

Thinking of you

Maureen x

"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." A A Milne

User

Posted 07 May 2015 at 22:27

Maryzz

Everyone has secrets some are bigger than others, however we are not here to judge heaven forbid dealing with this disease is bad enough.

I hope he can share his test results with you as they would help us provide information. If you can download the toolkit from here that might help you in some way.

Depending on his full diagnosis and the treatment options he has to consider you might find being forewarned helps.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to see someone you love trying to deal with all this disease presents and being unable to get truly involved.

At the same time his wife and family will also be going though a tough time so you might need to stand back and let him guide you on this amd how you can help. I can't say this in a pretty way but when the chips are down you may become marginalised not maliciously just innocently so I hope you can handle that.

I wish you all the best

User

Posted 07 May 2015 at 23:42

I know a lady whose lover, who was single, died - she lives with her her husband and she was bereft yet unable to show her feelings to her family. I can only sympathsise with your predicament knowing what I saw this lady go through.

Life can get very complicated and you were probably aware that something like this could happen, but not for some years. As Mo says, you will need to step back, as presumably your lover's family have no knowledge of you, and it would cause unnecessary emotional suffering at this stage. I think your post alludes to this.

In your heart of hearts, you know you have to take a back seat which only increases your emotional turmoil. If necessary, seek counselling to help you through this - you must communicate with someone to help you through this incredibly difficult time.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 08 May 2015 at 00:36

The saddest issue for you and him here is that he can not openly share his anxiety, his grief and aguish with you, who has been there with him, for him where others have failed to satisfy and fulfil his needs and desires and wants in life. He will be as sad a you are. It is such a shame that a line of communication can not be established for you both.

It is akin to a bereavement without a death.

All you can do is be ready to be there as and when he is able to contact and update you.

I am so sorry for you in your position but he will make contact and involve you when he can I am sure. Just be there, and you will be the real friend to him and a true asset.

Be strong, be there, hang on in no matter what.

dave

Edited by member 08 May 2015 at 07:26 | Reason: Not specified

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 08 May 2015 at 05:15

wow mary

this must be really tough, I feel for you being out their on the edge, its all about remembering the good times, but not being able to talk to him and see how he feels must hurt like nobodies business, love can be a teerible thing but yu have had lots of it

kep your chin up lass the best you can

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 09 May 2015 at 18:01

Hello Maryzz, well your first sentence is sorted isn't it - you are not alone any more.

I have enough going on in my life to pass judgement on another, it's not my business so why should I.

What is offered on here is advice and help with the emotions and physical side effects of prostate cancer and its treatment. We offer that help to everyone, irrespective of lifestyle, gender, sexuality.

Ask what you want. If somebody can hep they will.

Best wishes

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

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