Chris J's Journey

User

Posted 31 May 2015 at 13:47

Hi Chris,

I haven't replied to your posts earlier as we are on a different treatment path. You ask if you as a man have choices (I am assuming you mean to go ahead and have the RP or not) , we all have choices and I have just posted about one of Trevor's half brothers who chose not to have any treatment , I don't know the full story but ED was his main reason for not going ahead. He lived for 3 years .

You are right there are no guarantees after the OP but some men regain sexual function fairly quickly and yes you are young to have PC but your age may play in your favour. Your healing process will be faster than say a 70 year old. A very wise man on here once said Dead men don't have erections. Sometimes in life the worry of what might happen can be far worse than what actually happens.

I see you have a young son and I am sure that when you look at him you think of the future, try and stay focused on a positive future , don't get me wrong I am a negative Nelly myself and replay all of the worst case scenarios in my head so I do understand how you are feeling and this must be so much worse with your BP.

Unfortunately choosing not to have the RP will almost certainly give you ED the Hormone Treatment will do this and a progressing disease will also do this. You have a more than fighting chance at the moment, wabbles at this stage are normal .

We are all behind you.

BFN

Julie X

NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON

User

Posted 31 May 2015 at 15:32

Hi Chris,

It is not possible to predict with accuracy how much longer in terms of life span surgery and maybe in need further treatment might give you over doing nothing but the difference could be considerable albeit with potential side effects as have previously been discussed. By having the surgery you will be demonstrating to your family as well as yourself that you are doing the best you can to stay with them for longer and try to at least stave off what can be a very unpleasant way of leaving this world.

Something that you have most probably considered but I can't recall having been mentioned in this thread is the possibility of having some of your sperm frozen as you and your good lady may wish to have another child at some stage. A very personal choice for you both to consider before any surgery.

Barry

User

Posted 31 May 2015 at 17:54

Hi Chris, sorry I have not posted before but felt I had nothing to add until now.

We are similar/ not similar, I was diagnosed last October age 49, I have 3 kids, 10, 15 and 17, Gleson 9 PSA was 342 on dx now 5.

Before reading this, don't get me wrong, I have daily wobbles and tears, just had a bout due to C, prognosis statistically 4 years, never given any options ie HT plus chemo and RT only, toe and finger nails in a bad way, just had to self enema ready for RT this week ( why they make you practice twice before each session Lord knows), chemo ended but stopping taking steroids cold turkey may have has an effect on me mentally and to top it all have just got back from a "get away from it" holiday but had terrible tooth ache for the last 3 days so ruined that plus of course not an erection in sight this year but............

Stats are based on history and in the last 10 years where most stats come from, there has been massive advances in PC treatment so I genuinely believe any stat should " on average" move longer, those stats are not usually age divided, you like me are relatively young so I think that gives us a better chance so sod too much reliance on stats( accepting dark thought are going to happen).

As for sex, well I was a great fan of it and it's true to say that if you have a libido still ( as you clearly do) then you are going to miss it ( or think you will) however once the HT and other procedures kick in there is a good chance that ( statistically ha ha) you may not be so bothered. I am being selfish here ( ie not considering my wife's needs) but I have replaced sex with more running. There are still things you can do for your wife but more out of love for her rather than what's in it for me.

As has been said in earlier comments, sex v ( quality) life no contest for me or my wife , I am closer than ever to my family, feel good 90% of the time and plan things in rolling 3 month periods. I realise before I used to plan a holiday 12 months in advance and semi wish my life away to that time. Now I seize every day and have crammed more into the last 6 months than I would have before in 3 years.

The above may not make your choices any easier as I am not in your situation in that regard but what matters most is being around with general good quality of life as far as I see it , you may disagree of course.

A final thought, I am employed in the banking industry (boo hiss I hear the forum say) but one lesson we have learnt ( although I would say that I have never been involved in all the bad stuff) before we make any decision now is to think what today's action will look like under scrutiny in 5 or 10 years time, if we think we could hold our head up morally then we have made the right decision. So perhaps do that for your dilemma, in 5 or 10 years what would have mattered most in those proceeding years? In any case you may be able to have cake and eat it anyway.

Sorry for the long comment, hope I have not offended , take care

Kev

Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019

User

Posted 31 May 2015 at 20:42

Hi again Chris,

have thought about my earlier post and wanted to clarify my view, my "irrational" may be your "normal", "usual" whatever? I have not walked a mile in your shoes, from what you say, my issues, largely dealt with, lucky me, are nothing compared to what you are dealing with, PCa Bi-Polar etc.

I tend to give it straight, no fannying, tough love, maybe, and maybe I got you wrong earlier?

Stay here, draw strength from here, 'here" is always here for you.

atb

dave

Edited by member 31 May 2015 at 21:23 | Reason: Not specified

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 31 May 2015 at 21:45

Chris

I am so sorry everything is all topsy turvy for you right now, most men that I know who have been in your situation with PCa have been exactly the same, had the same dreams the same fears and anxieties. Some have had nagging doubts right up to the second the anaesthetist does his job before surgery. Others have gritted their teeth and gone for it hoping and praying they have made the right decision just wanting that cancer out, gone bannished and who shives a gite what happens later.

As a woman I cannot possiby understand what is going through your mind about your Cancer, those feelings and insecurities cannot be felt by me or any other person who is not walking exactly the same path that you are. However I can chat with you here and try to understand how El and your family and friends might feel. I can try and be supportive and I do have a really good understanding of the issues BP can throw into this already difficult situation. My Father and my eldest Sister Jen suffered for many years with BP,

You need not worry about posting under the influence of San Miguel ..Many of us have been down that route of course I would worry if you were taking meds for BP that do not work well with alcohol of any sort but I am sure you are well used to what you can and can't manage on that front.

Anyway you like me have a birthday coming up, mine will be a bit tricky too but I am determined that I will have a good one and I hope you do too.

The decision has been made for you and surgery it is so try to realign your thoughts, you know how to do this and I am sure your Psychiatrist will help you with this during the week.

I just wanted to post so that you know there are a whole bunch of us here who are with you in spirit and willing you along every step of the way.

All the very best

xxx

User

Posted 31 May 2015 at 22:58

Chris,

You know my story. I had the op 9 weeks ago. What I failed to mention was how scared I felt. Your thoughts and fears I would imagine are not unusual. I had convinced myself that although there is a 250,000 to 1 chance of dying under anaesthetic I would be the one. I was certain I would be incontinent for the rest of my life. In reality I am virtually back to full control. I didn't want anymore kids at 59 but as previously stated I would have frozen my sperm if I did. I have not had a sniff downstairs in the erection department but I am sure I will get stirrings back. If I don't I will be alive to support my family and offer them my ,often unwanted, advice.

You are going to feel anxious. I am a relatively calm pragmatist but as I said earlier I got things out of perspective. Your mental health condition cannot be blamed for the fear of the unknown that lies ahead. Sometimes you just have to put your trust in others. When I get a little anxious about flying I always say to myself 'the captain wants to get there in one piece too.'

Take care,

Paul

Edited by member 01 Jun 2015 at 09:52 | Reason: Not specified

THE CHILD HAS GROWN, THE DREAM HAS GONE

User

Posted 01 Jun 2015 at 10:48

Thanks to everyone who posted overnight ( I couldn't log on ). I don't really know what to say to be honest ! Either in a positive light or a negative light . I always talk too much , and my mum used to remind me " you cant have a good conversation if you don't listen " Im desperately trying to listen to you all , and am grateful for the advice you have all given me . At the end of the day I have no choice . And yes I have hoped I don't wake up from the anaesthetic many times over . Ill just have to face what is happening , but we are both terrified of the consequences and future repercussions. Which are very real given my history .
I'll try to remember to not post when im down -- ive said that once before but did anyway . This time ill try harder ok .

Best wishes Chris

User

Posted 01 Jun 2015 at 13:28

When you wake from that anaesthetic Chris your new life begins.
No it won't be the same, but there isn't anything yet to say it will be a lot worse.

Terrified - of course you are. You are stepping into the unknown so it is to be expected.

If an expert told you that you needed to strap on a parachute and jump off a cliff in order to save your life, would you be anxious to take that step towards the edge.
You'd be a strange one if you weren't. You'd firstly worry that the parachute wouldn't open but it will and although the journey to the ground may well be a bit of a bumpy ride they'll be people at the bottom to make sure you have a safe landing, with your loved ones waiting to greet you and say "well done"

As for posting or not when you are down, that is up to you. There are many on here who have benefited from the propping up that we are very good at so don't feel you have to be an outcast.
We'll offer the support for as long as it's needed, until you can stand alone and say "Bloody hell - I did it".

Best wishes
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 01 Jun 2015 at 15:22

Chris

just sent you a PM did anyone tell you If there was an Olympc gold medal for talking Mo would win it hands down ... NO .. i'm surprised so there you go I just told you!

You post whenever you need to we will try to understand. I have posted in a terrible state before now, very emotional or under the influence of too much wine, sleep deprived, angry when I misunderstood something or just plain scared and I am not walking the path that you are.

Have faith in yourself

best wishes

User

Posted 01 Jun 2015 at 18:36

"I will try to remember not to post when I am down". Gosh, that's exactly when lots of us DO post. Don't worry about it - there is usually someone around to give you a reply whether you want it or not!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 01 Jun 2015 at 19:33

Chris

Post what you feel when you want to. Nobody will ever criticise you for posting according to your mood.

Paul

PS If you're on Twitter, you may be interested in following ex England and Lancashire opening batsman, Graeme Fowler, who has suffered significant MH problems since retiring and is very open about what he faces. Not bipolar, but confronts his issues openly. I'm sure in doing so, he helps others.

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 18:54

We are doing better today. , and it's much to do with all ure support , so thanks again.

We both met with Doctor today who hadn't been kept up to date. He was shocked but RIGHT on our side and offered a genuine hand of help.

Then we both met my psychiatrist , El for the first time , and discussed my management plan.

And they both there for El singularly also !

Then I came home and bought my first supply of " nappies " from Amazon !!

Chris.

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 19:14

Glad there were positive meetings Chris and also very glad that El has support too.

When I got my husband his first supply of pull on incontinence pants they were the stretch kind and supposed to be unisex but to my mind they looked very feminine, even seemed to have a little frill round the leg edge.

I didn't say a word - didn't dare in case it upset him. We both had a good laugh though when he said he felt like Gorgeous Gussie Moran (a long ago tennis player since you're too young to remember her!)

Anyway, glad you are feeling more positive
All the best
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 21:00

Chris

So glad to hear that your meetings went well today and good that El was fully included in everything - I do love an action plan!

Brilliant to hear you sounding much more upbeat 😃

All the best

Maureen x

"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." A A Milne

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 21:25

Chris

I am so pleased all went well for you and El today ...

way to go xxx

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 22:41

Haha Sandra.

I asked for extra frill and cerise !

It felt strange , but newsworthy x

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 22:44

And I'm sure you look very fetching in them!

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 02 Jun 2015 at 23:23

Chris in frilly cerise pants

Mmmm Bridget Jones would be very jealous.

User

Posted 03 Jun 2015 at 09:53

Nice one Chris. Keep us all posted on your progress.

THE CHILD HAS GROWN, THE DREAM HAS GONE

User

Posted 04 Jun 2015 at 19:51

So I think too much aswell.... ( I have a permanent internal dialogue going on , but not schizo )
Getting too late to back out now , or id be wasting the surgeons and other patients time etc.
And they been niggling me today ( although I haven't got back to them ), about the blinking lumps they found on my adrenal gland and needing blood tests.

How can someone make a decision that is life-changing? Excellent help from everyone on here as El and I have both agreed , but oh for something definitive haha . Ive re-read my threads and ive had the "get it out and don't look back" , and the " I had it out but would think again next time ", and the " HT / Bracchy / EBR is the exciting way forward" , and the " Bracchy caused no end of issues" , and the " still waiting for an erection 1 year later " info , and you get the message....
And I genuinely cant thank you all enough for helping me with your experiences.
When this first was positively diagnosed ( after about 8 months ) , my priorities were maybe stupidly 1. Impotence 2. Incontinence 3. Cancer . I have my own reasons even if a bit irrational.

And now im 10 days away from RP im realising the treatment that has been thrust on me is the anti-Christ of my priorities.
Sick sick sick with worry ( and hoping I can send the nappies back).
What's a guy to do.
Anyway birthday weekend , and a night away again together which will be lovely , though I expect even an overdose of Caverject on a functioning man would'nt cause a stir with all the worry. Mixed grill and a bottle of Tempranillo it is then , and the crusader cryptic crossword. And then Monday , and the doubts seriously have to stop , or I ask for a second opinion / choice , maybe the Oncology that was withdrawn.
Im having nightmares about my plumbing being removed , and all that it entails , and the problems i'll be left with .
Waffle ramble over
Chris

Edited by member 04 Jun 2015 at 21:51 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 04 Jun 2015 at 21:34

Chris

When I was given the anesthetic, I thought of all the good things in my life. They're all still there and for me life is as good as ever. it can be for you, too.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 04 Jun 2015 at 22:07

Hello Chris

Please consider surgery as a good option. That's what my husband had with a Gleason score of 7 and a PSA of 24, but without the lump. He had to wait 3 months under the American system; that was for a top notch specialist who was totally booked. You are facing some losses, no question. Your surgeon and your body probably make the decisions on that.

We wrote an ebook about the whole journey. It's rated as inspiring, but it's also funny. See Ebook by pilot and his wife. http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/editors/tiny_mce/plugins/emoticons/img/smiley-cool.gif

User

Posted 04 Jun 2015 at 23:49

Chris

It is perfectly normal to feel the way you are, just take each day as it comes leading up to the surgery.

You can and will enjoy your birthday weekend with El (holy moly if I were in your position I would be at it morning noon and night) everyone has doubts and everyone has fears, some are rational and others quite simply are not.

You have come such a long way so just stay with the plan.

Thinking of oyu

User

Posted 05 Jun 2015 at 10:28

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

How can someone make a decision that is life-changing?

I preferred to look at it as life saving.

If you change your way of looking at it, it is definitely life saving, only potentially life changing.

It was a no brainer for me, even with the potential consequences which include not waking up after the operation, ED, double incontinence.

A choice many of us have had to make. There is still no clear best treatment option as far as I am aware for anyone in your position. Only potential side effects and possible might get it, not get it all.

As for considering those who regret what they did, which one hopes was the best considered option on the facts available to them at that time, bear in mind that this is your Cancer, for you to deal with now. No one knows if their outcomes would have been different if their choice had been different.

Bear in mind that a life without sex post RP is not guaranteed. If it turns out that way, life is still a life. With a chance to enjoy every day and company of family and friends.

If you choose to exercise your right to do nothing because of what "may happen", that is your choice and should be respected by family, friends and medical professionals.

atb

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 05 Jun 2015 at 11:03

Great post from CB - the fact is that the majority of men do not have any long term side effects from surgery except the crucial one ... they are alive.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 05 Jun 2015 at 13:00

Of course there are also those who would have given anything to have had that choice to make.

Life is not always fair or straight forward but it is precious and even if it does not always feel that way to you, your life means everything to anyone who loves you or needs you to be there with them and for them.

User

Posted 06 Jun 2015 at 12:00

Hi , and thanks for the last comments , especially Dave .
This post could be longer than my arm but i'll try to keep it brief-ish.
Being diagnosed with PCa is awful , and the scans / biopsies / cystoscopy's / waiting for results / having to have radical surgery etc is an awful strain on even the strongest of men.
Im writing this so that it may help future members who are " Mentally ill " at any level , and need regular medication to help them . PLEASE ensure you get extra help as soon as possible in the form of healthcare professionals and/or medication. Don't presume you need to be the "tough-man" and "hold it all together". It is essential that you don't bottle it up , not sleep , make your mind mull things over and over 'till you're dizzy . I've been up and down as you will have noted , but essentially have been a tortured sole .
Events yesterday led me to being handled by a crisis team , pumped full of Diazepam , and given Zopiclone ( I hadn't slept at all for 3 nights ). Im glad my step-daughter came home early from school - she heard me crying from the street. I have to be checked on every day now . El and I also got a long long apt with our GP again which was a great help. Apparently im still having the operation on the 15th despite my protesting. On top of that we both had to sit and make a will yesterday with tears rolling down our cheeks . It was a monster as days go to be honest.
On a lighter note Diazepam and wine can actually make you hover , and yes Mo we've been at it hammer-and-tongs for 3 weeks , but as the op draws nearer the libido is failing ( and ive been on HT for 3 weeks ).
I slept a weeks sleep in one night last night.

If you have mental health issues and prostate cancer and all it entails , then seek extra help right up front . You're going to need it I can assure you. Don't let the bad feelings grow , or "hide them " somewhere . Get your GP right on the case , and if you are drawing near to surgery or template biopsy etc , then ask for something to sleep , as lack of sleep is a killer to anyone , and can distort real life . I hope this may be of some help to people .

Regards Chris

User

Posted 09 Jun 2015 at 18:15

Just a bit of info on BICALUTAMIDE 150mg which may help people . When I was offered the Oncology route it was decided I be put on this for THREE yrs , along with HDR Bracchy and EBR. They told me it has less side effects than the injections overall , but id need Tamoxifen to stop breast growth and soreness . As you know the Oncology route was taken off me but I have remained on this tablet for 1 month to slow the cancer until my Radical Prostatectomy on the 15th June .

I think I might be glad this route was taken off me , as after just one month I have really faded -- struggling to get out of bed and needing a good snooze every afternoon which is totally unlike me . And despite all the worry and stress , El and I were having sex at every opportunity to make the most of my "normality", with no issues and no ED at all. Sadly we have 6 nights together left of "normality" and my erection at best is mediocre , and to be honest i'm preferring just a cuddle ( which definitely isn't like me ).

I thought this information might be useful to some people . I think ideally when someone is offered Oncology or Surgery , it would be nice if they could try HT for a number of months before they make their minds up , to see how badly the HT affects them.

Ok so now I have no choice , and as you know im dreading surgery , but at least on the horizon is a potential full recovery , and maybe without the need for HT at all .

Chris

User

Posted 09 Jun 2015 at 18:44

Hi Chris all the best for your op on the 15th, I too had no symptoms but went for RP open surgery and it went well and I recovered without much side effects apart from incontinence which I did regain control in about 2 months , I was doing the pelvic floor exercises before and after the op , i notice you have bought pads I had them supplied free. so worth asking as the cost will mount up Andy

User

Posted 09 Jun 2015 at 19:12

Thanks Andy,
I was told i'd be sent home with a starter pack of pads but then I was on my own unless I had serious issues. Its GREAT that you've recovered so well and every time I hear a story like that it gives me hope.
Yes I started pelvic floor exercises as soon as surgery was inevitable , but that's not given me much time tbh . I might be overdoing it actually.

User

Posted 09 Jun 2015 at 19:57

Chris

you seem to be coping so much better, I think using your own experiences to help others will be really beneficial for you as well as others reading your posts now and in the future.

I don't think anyone who has not had to take HT can ever understand just what it can do and how it can make you feel and of course everyone seems to have differing levels of impact over time.

I hope that post surgery you will make a full recovery and regain all those urges and abilities you are finding evasive right now. I would say not to worry what Bicultamide is doing to you is common place the good news is that once off it things usually return to something apporaching normal. There are several men on here who can tell you about their experiences of intermittent HT, some have been on that for many years and enjoy a normal sex life in the "treatment holidays" indeed often more adventurous and more frequently to make the most of things.

As for only wanting a cuddle or a hug that is actually rather a sweet thing to say, ofen under rated a really good cuddle is reassuring it shows you care and want to both give and receive comfort. I always found sleeping like spoons nestled together was one of sleeps greatest pleasures!

All my very best wishes

User

Posted 09 Jun 2015 at 22:12

Hello Chris, I'm back from holiday and catching up with everyone's posts.

Just wanted to say really that it was great that you posted regarding getting help for mental health issues as soon as you can. There is no shame at all in asking for help, it shows you are human.

We'd all like to think we're super human and can cope but sometimes it's good to know that there is somebody there to catch us as we fall.

All the best for the 15th
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 10 Jun 2015 at 00:47

Hi Chris,
the Bicalutimide is unlikely to be the cause of your loss of libido after only a month; it is more likely to be down to your situation, anxiety and a sort of emotional block to the pressure of a perceived 'last 6 days'. Tiredness / needing a nap could be down to the tablets but again, more likely to be because you have been diagnosed with cancer.

Stay brave :-)

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 10 Jun 2015 at 05:20

understand what you mean re the bicalutamide, (no longer taking as only for a month know on Prostrap)

mine kicked in after about 8days

first thing affected was my running, makes breathing really hard gone from 6miles min (at 8min mileing)to 6 miles max(at 9.30min mileing)

also need a nap in the afternoon, doing gardening or any work round house takes alot out of me, everything takes alot more time

still do my best to keep my pecker up but even that is getting more difficult

not to much problems re getting up in a morning, feel more tired than before

but will keep running as much as possable, and enjoy what ever else I can accomplish

nidge

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 10 Jun 2015 at 08:15

Hi Chris,

I just wanted to wish you all the best for your op on the 15th, I'm sure things will go fine.

Try to have faith that everything will be ok in the end. I know it's a tough journey, I'm really struggling at the moment, but hopefully, the support you find here will help you through.

Steve

User

Posted 10 Jun 2015 at 09:04

Thanks everyone for your replies and best wishes for next Monday . I have ALWAYS been massively attuned to my body and its health , and when I developed Hypo-Pituitarism , it was me who demanded the tests which proved I had no Testosterone or Thyroid function . Ive had 23 years of stress and anxiety and depression etc , yet it NEVER affected my drive etc for sex or performance , so I know this tablet has wiped out my Testosterone again -- the Surgeon sais 2 weeks for full effects .
Yes we're stressed at the mo obviously, which as Lyn said doesn't help either. Zopiclone will be my best friend Fri and Sat unless Pre-assess on 11th says not to take it .
Thankyou everybody, Chris

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 15:00

Ok so an utter horror to the system and probably angered everyone.

Got to pre-assess this morn and totally broke down again. Utterly completely.

Nurse . Prostate nurse specialist , consultant urologist I've never seen , and anaesthetist ended up in room. Decided they were forcing consent , so radical P now off on Monday. I couldn't apologize enough as I realize what a storm I have caused. I'm well brought up with decent morals , but at the end of the day I don't want the RP and what it will do to me. Urologist held my hand and couldn't understand why it had got this far.

Bombarded with calls now and just want peace

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 16:43

Sorry to read that you could not cope with it all. If you are not happy proceeding with it, or can not cope with the thought of it, you won't go ahead. Would not think that anyone is angry, your illness may mean that at times you may be unable to control how you feel about it all. Maybe your mind is finally made up? Whatever you decide you have to be content about it, and live with it, no one else.

Hope you can put it to one side for the weekend at least.

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 19:29

Chris, i think that you have simply found your own voice - you were never really sounding convinced that RP was the right option and I am really pleased for you that someone stopped and thought about mental capacity and your right to make your own decisions. Why would you apologise? Don't apologise.

Whatever those closest to you think or feel, they have no way of knowing what they would do in your shoes. Plenty of men in your situation (but without the MH issue) choose not to have surgery and opt for one of the other routes. Big deal - I didn't want John to have the op and did everything in my power to dissuade him but he was determined and that is how it should be - if he had listened to me and made a different choice because I was hassling him, I hope that someone else would have advocated and stopped me in my tracks.

Breathe, be calm, tomorrow is another day

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 20:03

Chris

I am so very sorry this happened today. In fairness the problems you are trying to deal with now are not only about PCa you are now also fully into the way your BP is making you feel and behave about surgery. Several men have got to the day of surgery and struggled to go through with it. They did because they had made that decision for better or for worse. You have not yet made a committed decision which is why the medical staff backed off. They cannot force consent or be seen to look like they have.

Right now I am not sure if many people here can help you much with that. We can share experiences about treatments, drugs, trials and all sorts of things but dealing with how you feel in your own mind right now we cannot.

Try and put today to one side for now take time out to just settle down so that you can regain your focus and start to think what options you may be able to deal with better than the RP.

I can offer you words of comfort and encouragement and listen to what you have to say and I will continue to do so. As will others There is no anger about this at all just sadness and sorrow .

I hope El and your family are coping with all of this in whatever way they can.

Thinking of you

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 21:28

Hi Chris,

This is the last place people will judge you. As was stated previously it was preferable to have second thoughts about the op at this stage rather than when you were gowned up ready for theatre.

I know that sometimes I felt overloaded with advice and was doubting my decision up to the day of the op. I would not worry about today. I was a nurse in another life and I know that the staff today will only have wanted the best for you and will have been faced with people with the same doubts and fears you had.

Take some time out. Have your good lady as a sounding board. You can re-assess your options. You can ultimately choose to do nothing that is your right.

Wishing you well

Paul

THE CHILD HAS GROWN, THE DREAM HAS GONE

User

Posted 11 Jun 2015 at 23:46

Chris

Knowing my brother as I do, I am not the least bit surprised this happened. You are absolutely right to step away and reconsider your options.

Hope you are able soon to make and carry on with the preferred treatment, having considered all the implications and possible outcomes of each.

Paul

Stay Calm And Carry On.

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 17:39

Oh no not him again I hear you say . The aftermath of me cancelling the surgery at the pre-op assessment had repercussions obviously. The phone never stopped ringing , so I turned it off and buried my head in the sand.

Friday was a new day and I felt ashamed. Elaine was giving me " that look" that you ladies learn aged 4 . My mum and dad were angry , and a few friends that know me were quite shocked also . So I felt bad. I texted the nurse specialist to say sorry and also my surgery and also my mental health psychiatrist who had all tried to contact me worried.

Since I retired , I read with young children at my little boys school twice a week. On Friday morning my sons teacher grabbed me and wished me luck. And when I read with the children Friday afternoon they gave me a HUGE card with each child's picture and good luck message. I felt such a fraud. Elaine and I went to our village at 4pm and the surgeon rang . He was lovely and not mad like I thought . He asked how we both were . He said there had been another MDT meeting that day , and they insisted the operation was the only way. He promised he would do everything in his power to heal me but also keep my functions ok . He basically said the slot on Monday was still available , and Elaine said yes before I could - and gave me "that look".

And just now on Sunday afternoon he has called to see if im ok and still on track ( nice in his own time tbh ). Minor concern as I missed the blood test on Thurs re my dodgy adrenal function , but he said I should be ok ( my adrenal lumps still need looking at ).

So YES tomorrow is the big day -- Hand Laproscopic radical prostatectomy , with bladder work and Lymph removal . I suppose in the end I didn't have the choice , but did the "right thing". Either that or be shamed or die . So i'll be in contact Tuesday hopefully if all goes well.

We cant thank everyone enough for your input and kindness. And reading posts from the past .

On a lighter note its been amazing having sex virtually every day for 4 weeks ! I'm just dreading Elaine finding out ;-)

Chris

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 18:38

Well good luck for Tomorrow Chris.

You have everyone behind you, including those lovely kids who made the card. I'm sure when they all got together to make it they were all making a wish that you will get better soon.

For the surgeon to ring you on a Sunday, in his own time , proves that lot of folk have faith in you and so you should have faith in you too.

There was no shame in your behaviour last week, it was a natural result of your fear and your bi-polar.

I do hope that the surgeon has reassured you. I am SURE that he will do his very best for you. For him to contact you to give you that reassurance is brilliant. IF he is unable to do what he hopes then it will because he couldn't but he knows you best and he knows what he is up against and has still made that assurance.

I'll be thinking of you and willing you on. Good luck and bless you.
You are going to be fine !!!!!!
All the best
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 19:06

Hi Chris

I've nothing more to say than all the best for tomorrow from me and Steve, we raised our glasses to you last night so if your ears were burning about 10pm you know why! 😉

Big hugs to you and Elaine, "chat" to you soon 👍

Maureen x

"You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." A A Milne

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 19:41

Hi Chris,

I'm really pleased you're going ahead with it.

I'm sure everything will be fine. You won't be alone because we'll all be with you, in spirit. You've got loads of people here who really care about you.

Good Luck for tomorrow.

Let us know, when you get chance, how you get on.

Steve

User

Posted 14 Jun 2015 at 20:49

Chris you have made what was a dull day for me bright, I am so happy that things have got back on track I broke out a bottle of wine to raise a glass to you. Cheers

Your post is full of spirit, I know the El look really well could bend a spoon from 50 paces away...I practice it a lot!

Everyone is totally with you on this.

I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best possible outcome tomorrow, your surgeon sounds fabulous and so caring.

Just remember tomorrow to stay totally focused no looking back and no regrets.

We will all be here to talk with you through recovery post op.

thankyou

xxx

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