do's & dont's of relating to someone with cancer

This article was written by Jayne Sykes a writer and journalist who has lived with cancer for  12 years. I just thought some of it was interesting. Of course it is not prostate related but the principle is exactly the same.

xx

Mo

People's reactions to my diagnosis of breast cancer in 2003 (followed by an unrelated diagnosis of colon cancer in 2004) stuck in my mind more than I might have expected, considering my state of numbed shock at the time. There were some who looked embarrassed and uncomfortable, shuffling away as fast as decency permitted; others who flung their arms around me in a parody of grief; and those - mainly family and close friends - whose quiet presence was my rock and salvation throughout the months that followed.

Cancer used to be something that wasn't really talked about. In my parents' generation, the word was mouthed silently or whispered in hushed tones, as if to speak its name aloud might attract the disease's attention to the one uttering it. Nowadays, it's right out in the open with the latest advertising campaign from Cancer Research UK declaring open war in the form of the battle cry: "Cancer, we're coming to get you!"

I'm not sure whether today's proliferation of information on cancer comes from a heightened awareness of the disease and a change in social attitudes towards discussing it, or whether there really is more of it about these days. Either way, we all know someone who has been affected by cancer one way or another.

It's hard to know what to say to someone who has undergone a traumatic, life-changing event such as a cancer diagnosis. People are terrified of saying the wrong thing. Although nothing you say to a person with cancer can make it any worse for them, behaving authentically towards them can make a positive difference. There's no doubt that genuine human contact can be immensely fortifying in times of crisis.

One of my close friends, who didn't know what to say, simply said that she didn't know what to say. And that was fine. She was there for me throughout the whole ordeal and that was what mattered.

So, here are my general "dos and don'ts" for approaching someone diagnosed with cancer:

1. DO go and see them in person (unless you live on the other side of the world) instead of sending a message or talking on the phone. Hand-holding can be very comforting, if done spontaneously and without awkwardness, and is one of the many things that can't be done virtually.

2. DO offer practical help, such as looking after children, cooking meals, driving them to appointments, doing their shopping, weeding their garden, or even just putting the wheelie bin out for them every week. There are so many little things that you don't think of straight away but which can make such a difference; we had a neighbour who walked our dog for us, which was an immense help.

3. DO act authentically. Hug if you're a huggy person, but don't do it if you're not just because you feel it might be expected; your innate resistance will come across.

4. DO offer to walk with them. An odd one, this, but my sister walked for miles every day with me in the first weeks and months and it never failed to make me feel better.

5. DO listen without giving advice, unless asked for it. My husband - and again, my sister (I recommend that anyone diagnosed with cancer should obtain a sister, either their own or someone else's) - would listen to me endlessly talking over the same ground, repeating myself, pouncing on and second-guessing every word that fell from a doctor's lips, wailing "what if" and "if only", and railing about the unfairness of it all.

6. DON'T mouth platitudes or say anything you don't mean. Saying nothing at all is preferable. You might feel awkward just being there in silence, but it isn't about you. Some people dislike terms such as "fighting" or, even worse somehow, "battling" cancer. I personally loathe that expression, and I've read recently that people with cancer tend to do better by focusing on healing rather than the battle imagery.

6. DON'T tell them that they're "so brave" or that you couldn't possibly cope as well as them if it happened to you. Being brave is about having a choice whether or not to do something you're afraid of. Cancer patients don't have that choice. When you have cancer, some people like to put you in a different category to them - a category reserved for those brave, strong beings who can cope with cancer - as if it only happens to people who can deal with it. Basically, they feel the need to distance themselves from the knowledge that it could just as easily happen to them.

7. DON'T say you know how they feel because your parent/friend/dog had cancer. Unless you've had it yourself - and even then, it's a different experience for everyone - you don't.

3. DON'T - and this is the big one - tell them to stay positive. A person with cancer really doesn't need to feel like it's their own fault for not managing to be positive enough if they have a poor outcome. Sometimes they will feel the very opposite of positive, often at 3am when everyone else is asleep and the shadows are full of nightmares and they feel more alone and terrified than they've ever felt in their lives. Don't put that kind of pressure on them.

These guidelines are, of course, sweeping generalisations based purely on my personal experience and the feelings of a few people I've talked to. They may be way off the mark for others, so please be guided by your instincts and personal knowledge of your loved one. If you can take a moment to try to put aside your own feelings and reach out to them, you won't go far wrong.

A very interesting conversation, I do agree with Barry that as human beings we are all so varied that what might be appropriate in some situations would be unacceptable in others.  Also  just having cancer can be  so emotional and emotions aren't rationale , it is dealing with grief on a daily basis. I mean grief in the sense of loss, loss for the life that you had because it will never be the same. 

Some one can say something to me in the morning that I let pass over my head in the afternoon it may be a different story. Our first visit to our Oncologist kind of went like this bearing in mind you only retain certain words in your head, so Terminal , Palliative, spread to bones, spread to lymph nodes , sadly chemo will not be advised and then those famous last words but staying POSITIVE is helpful . I remember thinking what the F..ck did he just say , I thought I had misheard him.  Then I realised it's written on the bottom of the notes tell them they are dying first and then throw in the POSITIVE word that will make them feel loads better.

I also don't like the terms courages or that people are battling cancer, it some how infers that if you are not feeling brave or LOSING THE BATTLE that you didn't fight hard enough. How ever you look at it  Cancer is pretty Sh.t wether your prognosis is good or not , it's hard . 

My take on what to say I think as long as you are genuine and it's from the heart then that's what matters . Of course the only people that will understand and always say the right thing are those that are travelling the same path.

BFN

Julie X

Some people also engage their mouth before their brain, my boss who is actually a good guy, said to me when I told him (literally 5 minutes after being told i had PCa over the phone) "don't tell Jo (a colleague) as her brother died of that".

I also hate the "well that's the one to get" brigade...and "you look well" but they always miss off the "considering"

As for battling the cancer I've done a deal with my body....along with the remnants of RT its going to crack on kicking the cancers ass while I get on with life...After all I owe it to my body don't I or what's the point ;-)

Bri

Edited by member 18 May 2015 at 20:37  | Reason: Not specified

Five years ago, when our daughter was coming to the end of our 13 year old grandson's treatment for inoperable cancer she herself was then diagnosed with colon cancer and had a colonostomy at 38.
She and our son in law coped brilliantly, never moaning, never say why us. They just got on with it. Our boy's treatment had to be barbaric in order for it to work and my husband still has bad memories of seeing him with a custom made mask being strapped to a table in order for the radiotherapy to be positioned accurately. All this without a measure of moaning from any of them. If you told them they were brave, even the 13 year old, they would look at you like you were stupid or something and tell you it had nothing to do with bravery - they just needed to get on with it.

During grandson's cancer people were brilliant, they couldn't do enough to help.
The school was fantastic and his schoolmates took it upon themselves to approach the headmaster and ask for permission to collect for teenage cancer trust, going to every year in the school.

They look like the kind of lads you would avoid walking past, but my goodness, they worked so hard and raised a lot of money.

They would visit when he was home to try and take his mind off the ongoing treatment. My daughter's friends had collections and bought him things like an ipod etc.. Son in law's company said to ask him what he would like to have and he said a shed in the garden for when he was better and his friends came round. They paid for and erected a two room, double skinned building with a proper space for a portable toilet.

When it was my daughter's turn, my beautiful brave daughter, who coped with the mutilation of her body with the words "It looks like a rose How could I hate it - it saved my life" was surprised that many of the people she counted as friends didn't keep in touch, or if she went into town she would actually see them cross the road to avoid talking to her.

Maybe it was all too much for them, I don't know. I do know she felt abandoned by them. They had been happy enough to stop her in the street and ask how our grandson was getting on but couldn't face her.
They might remember to text but she said it wasn't the same.

Just added a PS to this for in case folk wonder and don't like to ask.  Our grandson is now nearly 19 and working. He does voluntary sailing with the Ellen Macarthur Trust who first took him out on a boat when he was under treatment. He is now a fully qualified sailing instructor, partly gained under his own steam and more recently through the Macarthur trust who had such faith in him they helped him with the last bit of training and he now helps take children with cancer on Ellen's ships so they get experiences they wouldn't normally have - much like in his case, and see where that led.

Our daughter laughs through life and lets very little get her down

Anyway, I echo Jayne Sykes words.

Edited by member 18 May 2015 at 09:17  | Reason: Not specified

This was good to read today because of hearing some awful news for a young friend and my daughter needing advice on what to do or say. It applies whatever the circumstances.

Lots of love

Allison xx

There is some useful advice by Jayne Sykes on what can be a good and a bad way of relating to people who have cancer. But the approach may differ from one person to another depending on a number of things. What Dave said to his friend Bob was in a way that his friend appreciated but others might not. Then whilst thrusting religion at people may well be inappropriate in general , perhaps it would be appreciated by 'churchy' people if another said he/she/their church would pray for them as part of the conversation.

Much may depend on how well we know the person, their age, our relationship with them if any and their approach to life. Men often come to this forum very anxious and sometimes in despair having been diagnosed with PCa and many of us have pointed out the advances in treatment which may help and the support available, so to embrace this positively. I don't think this is normally a wrong approach, although it might be more appropriate to stress the support side where men are clearly near the end of life's journey. I think it's very sad that sometimes supposed friends shun somebody diagnosed with cancer (perhaps even just because they are lost to know how to react with them), when the person diagnosed needs support and friends more than at any time.