Now Children, are you sitting comfortably? Then I will begin….. (for those of us of a certain age)
I want to begin with an apology and a quotation. I am sorry but..
“People who have time on their hands will inevitably waste the time of people who have work to do”: Thomas Sowell ,American Social Theorist.
So…. Sunday Morning.
“Woe is me for my hurt! My wound is grievous : But I said , Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it”
Jeremiah Chapter 10 Vs 19
Hmmm . My awakening last Sunday morning was accompanied by the lights going on, two super efficient wonderful Angels of Mercy breezing onto the ward to view their contestants for the day for handover. Whilst they were full of the joys of spring, I lay there in abject terror and confusion at my predicament. A degree of pain and discomfort accompanied by the realization that the Hippopotabelly in front of me was mine, the newly acquired plumbing system was here to stay and my quite comfortable life had been considerably changed for the worse by a selfish inconsiderate bunch of cells who had taken it upon themselves to invade my body and set up their own little private Carcinoma with absolutely no thought for the impact it may have on the rest of me. Whilst for a mere smidgeon of a moment, I recalled the events of the previous day which were fortunately both obscured by some strange medications administered by the man who made me sleep so soundly, the passage of a few hours and the knowledge that my Knight in shining Armour had put paid to the intentions of those cells behaving badly. Right. Whats to be done now. My determination to put any thought of feeling sorry for myself or allowing the gibbering wreck to surface was foremost and the weeks to come would be dealt with using the Batniec method. Best available technique not involving excessive cost. The cost in this case would be pain, discomfort, embarrassment and frustration. My technique which has definitely worked has been to do as I am told, rest, exercise gently and don’t upset the medical staff by doing too much. Pfft. No way was that going to happen so the week began and had to be dealt with.
I have already spoken of my initial adventures and an update is clearly due. After checking my diary to find a spare moment to squeeze it into I find I have absolutely nothing else to do apart from recover hence I find myself today recalling the highs and lows of the last seven days. We will skip the first few as they are clearly inconsequential to my state of today. Painfree, energetic,happy and up for whatever comes next. During the week I realized I had acquired two new members of my household unintentionally. The first appears to be leaving though and I will be honest in not being that sorry. A Hippopotabelly moved in last Saturday and whilst unwelcome has gradually reduced his presence and appears to be departing at a rapid rate now. His first appearance did make me wonder if my Knight in Shining Armour had indeed removed something and not put something else inside me instead. He managed to increase my waspish 36 inch waist by 10inches which is quite impressive given the manner of his arrival and no he is not full of gas. He came with a built in camouflage of some pink bits, some blue, some yellow and green and an amazing pattern of what appeared to be six holes which when poked does produce a reaction from the rest of me. That accompanied by his ability to make me flinch if I moved too much or rapidly did rather sully his occupation of my tummy but over the passage of the last few days we have reached an understanding. If I stay fairly quiet, take gentle exercise and do as I am told by the medical staff, he will reduce his efforts to hurt me, reduce in size and start to lose his colour scheme. Sorted! Having taken good care of him for the last week he has now allowed me to become reacquainted with some old friends of mine at the bottom of my legs. I can now see them over the hippo, I can now actually physically cover them with socks and even shoes. A note of caution here. When tying shoe laces a risk assessment and precautionary measures should be taken. Pull too tight and he reminds me that such activities tend to wake him up and grumble. A lesson learned. Whilst discussing Risk Assessments one other minor infraction occurred yesterday. In an effort to preserve peace and tranquility, having placed milk in cats bowl, one cat slurping, I inadvertently scooped his twin up to deposit him on their feeding area out of the reach of the marauding dogs who would steal any form of food from the cats in the blink of an eye. Sadly the blink of my eyes was equally swift when I realized that the weight of a fat feline exceeded the prescribed limit of “nothing heavier than a kettle” which resulted in a somewhat surprised fat cat being unceremoniously dropped from a not insignificant height whilst still airborn. No problem…except medical staff saw said infraction. Hard to believe a man of my age can be made to feel like a naughty child again with a withering look and a scalding tongue.Bother!
The other addition to the household is similar to a new puppy. Those of us with a liking for dogs will know a new puppy needs to be watched very carefully and allowed to wee frequently from an early age. My new puppy appears to be attached to my leg and also needs to be allowed to wee frequently. When I seem unable to move my leg easily during the day it appears to be linked to his size and request for my attention. Exactly the same as a puppy, he has a short waking time and once allowed to vent he returns to his sleeping peacefully position staying very closely to heel. The only respite I seem to get is when the medical staff introduces him to his big brother at night and then take care of the pair of them through the night whilst I attempt to sleep through whatever necessitates a 2.00 am intrusion into my bedroom. There does seem to be strange friendship between the medical staff and the puppy though which I am slowly getting my head around. I drink what I am given, the puppy gets fat, the medical staff examine the puppy and smile. I drink less, the puppy stays slim, the medical staff scowl and I get into trouble. It seems the medical staff like the puppy fat and certain colours. Very strange. I am however assured that the puppy will be gone and these nocturnal intrusions should cease after my impending visit to the plumbing department tomorrow.
The rest of me seems to be working increasingly better day by day. I found a new toy yesterday for my smart phone ( considerably smarter than me actually). It’s a pedometer thingy which informed me yesterday that all my pottering about and small real dog walks accumulated to .9 of a mile. It was a very busy day and due to work commitments prevented my morning schnoozle and a delayed afternoon one resulting in the hippopotabelly waking up a little in the evening and an early bedtime. Oops.
I have to add my thanks to my Knight in Shining Armour who I believe had some small part to play in the removal of my small problem. Once I had decided he had to go, like Lady Macbeth with “Out damned spot! Out I say! My Knight obliged together with his knife and fork, R2D2, C3PO and his mate Da Vinci who collectively vanquished the foe splendidly and rather whimsically brought to mind Lewis Carroll.
“One,Two!One, Two! And through and through
The Vorpal blade went snicker –snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumping back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms you shining Knight
O Frabjous Day! Callooh !Callay!
Dick Chortled in his joy!
(Apologies for Poetic license)
My Knight’s work has been backed up by the Nurses at the Hospital and my own medical staff (except for her getting at me all the time) who has been the personification of perfection .All in all not a bad week at all and far better than I could possibly have imagined. I think I had better go and lie down in a darkened room!
N.B.
I was to have posted this on Sunday however….perhaps a bit too energetic on Saturday. Crashed and burned early evening. Bed, pain killers and an enormous ticking off from the medical staff who took Saturday off to visit some friends. In naughty boys corner for the foreseeable future.
A Rather Sorry Dick