now very muddled

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 11:10

Having been diagnosed about a month ago, I was just about coming to terms with my situation and beginning to feel I was in control. The toolkit is well thumbed and has been invaluable. I understood that I don't need to make any drastic decisions, despite my uncertainties about how I might manage being on active surveillance. I had accepted that this is the right course of action (right now) and I'd find out how I coped with it in real time. Then, on Saturday, my (best) bike gets stolen. In the scheme of things that's not so important. I can/will replace that this week-end. But that's set me off again with all my doubts & worries about PC. I've lost confidence in myself and in the decisions I thought I'd made about myself. I'm also super conscious that I've been leaning on my wife possibly too much, whilst I don't feel I'm giving her anywhere near enough of the support she needs and she probably needs more support than me as this affects her just as much, if not more than me. So all in all, I'm struggling a lot today. Whilst I've shared my diagnosis with a number of people (I've found it helps!), I don't think that's the right audience for this issue. My Doc has been great (saw them Monday) as this has me extremely stressed. I'm thinking of going down the counselling route - anybody else done that? Just talking to somebody 'independent' might help?

Apologies for the rambling post but I've found just expressing what I'm thinking is helping me get my head round it all.

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 21:56

Rich

you will find that there is so much support here, however I can tell you a little about my personal experience with counselling and what it has done for me.

Sadly I lost my Husband Mick to Pca almost 16 months ago. I had been married to him for almost 25 years he was my best friend. WE had issues but we dealt with them as best as we could, When he was diagnosed both our lives changed, I did everything I could to support him and give him the best quality of life I could. His Cancer was aggressive and very cruel to him, but thankfully that is not the normal with PCa.

After his death I tried to deal with things my own way, I muddled along quite well and really did not want to go for Grief counselling or any counselling for that matter.

I joined the gym, went into voluntary work at the hospice Mick had been in for 5 weeks, visited those who he had been on the wards with, threw myself into an education on cancer, made loads of travel plans etc. something was wrong, very wrong but I could not see it. It actually took a really special friend of mine to suggest I found someone who could give me the counselling I might benefit from.

I was so lucky I found someone within the hospice who became my guardian angel. Her methods of getting me to open up about issues were novel but very successful. I saw her almost every two weeks for 6 months.

Only one person on this forum knows about this, the one who convinced me to try it, so one or two that know me well might be surprised at this revelation.

What has it done for me?

given me confidence in myself, enabled me to relate to others and situations so much better. In truth it has given me the ability to really balance moving on with my life and keeping memories of the love I had for my Husband in the right place and in the right perspective.

So if you are struggling in any way I think counselling will help, just make sure you choose someone from the right environment. Someone from Macmillan, Maggies, this site etc. If you can get your wife involved as well it may well be really beneficial for you both.

I wish you all the very best

User

Posted 25 Sep 2015 at 17:27

Rich , you have made a fantastic decision . Its a " no-brainer " really . What could go wrong by talking to someone neutral about all your fears , insecurities and general feelings ?? If it takes a while then talk to us ok . Someone will listen and answer , and it honestly feels good to have the support from people on here . It has helped me immeasurably if i'm honest . I wouldn't have got through all this without everybody . As for making a decision on treatment , i'm definitely not the person to give advice I think , being a quite negative regretful person . But I would echo all the advice you have had already . If you have time then take it , and make sure you are well informed using the toolkit and posts on here . Most of all when you do make your mind up then stick with it and be strong , and then steer from there . There are conflicting views from many on here , ranging from " get it out NOW !! " , to " I feel comfortable and happy monitoring it " . There will be successes and failures in both camps if you look . Be strong and good luck .
Chris

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User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 12:49

Hi Rich
Talking is essential through all this as you are realising. And indeed even good friends don't want to hear about your cancer all the time. Neither your wife as she is struggling so much in her own head with all the stress. I'm beginning to realise this and I'm a year ahead of you with a prostatectomy performed too late and now locally advanced cancer and salvage treatment ahead. My poor wife is far more distraught than I am and I'm trying to think of her more. I'm talking about non cancer things with my friends. I'm lucky in that I have had psychiatric care for years , and they are helping even more now they know I am struggling immensely.
Yes Rich find someone , the sooner the better , to talk stuff through and get things off your chest. And listen as they often are logical whereas your thinking is being mangled by stress. Easier said than done though. You can call the nurses on this site. They are fantastic. Find a local support group ?? Free local councelling is available in many areas also. I wish u all the best
Chris

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 13:20

Hi Rich,

I think you are on the right track. Talking and writing about how you feel really helps. You can do that on here, nothing is a stupid question, just ask away, and you can do that with close friends too, maybe your wife too you might benefit from mutually sharing how you feel. If you need more organised help than there are support groups, depending where you live, the nurses on this site are great and if you need it talk to your GP about counselling.

I found writing about it very therapeutic. It enabled me to capture my feelings accurately and just eased my worries. Use us as a sounding board.

This may not help yet but you are in a good position re PCa, active surveillance is a good tool to monitor your progress and ensure you get timely treatment if and when you need it. There are many more tools in the box so the first message to self is you are ok and there is plenty of other things to do with your life whilst the medics watch over you.

Good luck in this unwanted journey. Keep talking!

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 14:55

hi rich

yep this bloody disease, as you say having your bike stolen may not seem like a lot to some, but its something else that's been taken from you, I fully understand the life in control issues, I too recently lost a lot of confidence in myself and how my life had gone to pot, didn't go down the counselling route, not saying this will not be best for you, but my family and friends noticed a changed and rallied even more round me, my GP has been a brick always their for me, not back to how I was but no where near like I had sunk, its hard sometimes not to be selfish but as you say your close family is also affected and its hard to strike a balance, I sometimes just buy our lass a bunch of flowers for no particular reason other then to let her know I have not forgotten her, I give her plenty of hugs and kisses and torment the life out of her, it makes us both laugh

I have in the past used counselling and it help a lot, so give it a try you have nothing to lose by doing it

nidge

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 18:31

Hi Rich

I would thoroughly recommend counselling. I managed pretty much okay after diagnosis ( which included septicemia ) then surgery , but I think it being found to be still lurking and the hormone therapy started to drag me down , the Dr. suggested antidepressants which he eventually persuaded me to take and as our cancer centre offered counselling I went for that as well which I had for about six months and it definitely helped keep things in perspective, and is a great place for offloading,I imagine friends find that side of things difficult as it can be a bit repetitive ,and it's also became a good place to have a cry which helped also , especially as being self employed things have become difficult financially . I still struggle a bit with the effects of the hormones 18 months in , but hopefully the radiotherapy has sorted things , we'll see . It's a long drag and I've learnt to take help where it's offered that's why it's there .

Worse things happen at sea, allegedly , so hang in there and keep fighting

very best wishes

Nigel

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 21:23

Hello Rich
My advice too is find somebody to offload to, be that a counsellor, GP, good friend etc

I understand that you feel you are/have been leaning too much on your wife but what I would say is don't shut her out because you want to protect her. We women are tougher than our men think we are.

Would your wife consider joining here as a partner of a man with cancer? Does she read the conversations?

I think it would help her to know how we (and our men) all cope with this disease and the ravages it causes, but there are the success stories too remember

Yes it's horrible watching you go through it all but we wives need you to know that we are there for you, through all the dark days, the bad tempers, the fears, even the tears.

The toe rag who stole your bike will eventually get his comeuppance (hopefully). Forget him - he isn't worth the effort.
I regard people like that as I do slugs in the garden. One of the creator's mistakes.

Your confidence will return when you feel better about all that has happened to you recently. Replace your bike, which I hope was insured by the way, and get back out there in the fresh air.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 23 Sep 2015 at 21:56

Rich

you will find that there is so much support here, however I can tell you a little about my personal experience with counselling and what it has done for me.

After his death I tried to deal with things my own way, I muddled along quite well and really did not want to go for Grief counselling or any counselling for that matter.

Only one person on this forum knows about this, the one who convinced me to try it, so one or two that know me well might be surprised at this revelation.

What has it done for me?

I wish you all the very best

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 13:21

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. It's re-assuring to know that I'm not alone nor unique.

Just a day later and I'm much more together with it.

I've gone over my/our previous thoughts and have come to the same conclusion that it's AS for me (for now) until/unless either tests show action is needed or I get cold feet waiting. Then, probably an RP (unless circumstances dictate otherwise). I will discuss further at my next visit

As an aside, an acquaintance (who works in healthcare) has said the consultant I have is "the one" to try & get round here (he didn't know).

Talked about counselling with my wife yesterday. She's given me a week to arrange something with the Docs or "I'll make the appointment for you!" She knows me well.

User

Posted 24 Sep 2015 at 17:27

Mo, good for you. It shows you are human and fragile just like the rest of us!

Rich, I'm glad the other half knows you so well she'll make sure you get help (whether you want it or not!!)

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 25 Sep 2015 at 15:33

Today I have seen my GP again and instigated getting some counselling (now waiting for an 'over the phone triage' session), though it may be a few weeks before I actually get to talk to somebody. It's a small step, but I'm thinking it's a positive one.

User

Posted 25 Sep 2015 at 15:52

Good for you taking charge.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 25 Sep 2015 at 16:02

What a lovely response from you Mo, your advice is always so sensible and you show so much empathy, I really admire you, especially after what you and Mick have been through.

You give a lot of strength and hope to many of us on here, even though we rarely communicate together.

Thank you so much and I hope that you go on from strength to strength.

Alison x

User

Posted 25 Sep 2015 at 17:27

User

Posted 25 Sep 2015 at 20:43

Alison

you are too kind, I have just been around for a while and have learnt so much from others on this forum.

User

Posted 25 Sep 2015 at 21:46

Hi Rich,

You have nothing to lose by having some counselling, the worst that can happen is that you decide it's not right for you but good on you for considering now that you may need some help of this kind ! Also, you never know where this takes you. My partner died over a year ago and I knew I had to take up every bit of help offered if I was to stand a chance of surviving. The local Hospice had a wonderful bereavement service and after finishing individual counselling and a support group I still visit the Hospice for coffee and home made cakes at their cafe, and attend some of their fund raising initiatives. Neil was never admitted there but I feel a sense of peace and a link there. Similarly, the Macmillan centre I dropped into after he died and had many tearful sessions with the wonderful staff, I am hoping to do voluntary work when our local Prostate cancer support group has a stall and regular presence there in the near future so all that has effectively come out of counselling sessions. I wish you all the best, it is crucial you have good support I think it's the Macmillan TV ads which talk about no-one should go through cancer alaone.

Fiona.

User

Posted 11 Nov 2015 at 09:37

Going for a PSA test today in advance of hospital appointment in a fortnight. It's my first re-visit since my diagnosis. Feeling reasonably chilled about it at the moment (had lots of blood tests for my pulmonary embolism problems). Just hope I can stay like this for the next two weeks but so far so good.

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