Hello Sherbie and welcome
Firstly, has your other half had other treatments apart from the surgery.
What was the original diagnosis (ie surgery as the PC was contained, his choice etc)
Has he had HT that the other gents are mentioning
(I've just read your other post and you don't mention it there either)
I am 67 soon to be 68 and my other half is 75. We'v been together for getting on for 48 years so have reached that time of life where intimacy is nice when it happens but isn't the be all and end all of our relationship.
Now you on the other hand are new at this (with this love anyway) and when you got together there was no nasty cloud on your horizon so life burbled happily along until PC stepped in and took that joy from you.
What you are both experiencing is normal, it has only been three months since the op and he is still healing, especially on the inside.
He is probably concerned for the future, will he have one, will he ever be able to make love to you again etc. and he may not want to discuss those things with you for fear of upsetting you or perhaps he concerned that as a relatively new relationship, he'll lose you because you wont be able to cope with it all.
Our men think differently to us. You will be unlikely (at this early stage of his recovery) to convince him that you love him no matter what, but persevere and be patient if you can.
I wouldn't be surprised if his lack of intimate contact is not because he doesn't want to but because he is worried about disappointing you or getting your hopes up.
Do you talk at all. Is he open to a frank discussion about setting limits. If, for instance, he was able to say to you that he has no libido and therefore doesn't want to lead you on by kissing you, would you (could you) say that you would be happy enough at this stage of his recovery to just hold hands or hug or cuddle with no pressure at all.
Unless you talk the situation will not be resolved and both of you will stop making an effort and then the relationship will drift. If you love him and he loves you, you'll get through this but I do emphasise that 3 months post op isn't an excessively long time. There are men on here (rare men) who have the catheter out and seem able to get an erection almost straight away. They are the exception. It seems from the conversations on here that men react differently to the same op and don't all recover at the same rate.
I hope you can start the new year off on a different footing.
There is no telling how long it will take before he gets his head round the fact that he needs to open up and tell you exactly how he feels so I'm afraid it's likely to be down to you.
You've got the rest of your lives to spend together, just be patient with each other and talk talk talk.
Best of luck and a Happy New Year to you both
Best Wishes
Sandra
Edited by member 31 Dec 2015 at 23:33
| Reason: Not specified
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Hi Pierre
I believe that Bicalutamide has a very short half life and clears the system after approx 2 months, but as Lyn says if you have developed man boobs then they may not disappear, but we are all different and don't always comform to the norm.
Roy
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hi sherbie, all I can suggest is that you need to have a chat on how you feel, our sex live is out the window, nothing is going to change that apart from me stopping the HT, I try as much as possable to make a fuss of the OH, but we are both realistic to what is happening in our lives, wish I could be of more help
regards
nidge
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I am the same Sherbie, since being on HT then it's all out the window but my wife and I talk about it, still have cuddles and look forward to the end of HT in 14 months but do not know how long it takes to get out of my system once it ends.
Try talking and saying how you feel and that it would probably be good for you both to be close with each other.
I hope you can find a way to get him involved. Someone else may have another suggestion or several!
Best wishes, Chris/Woody
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Hello Sherbie,
I have been on hormone therapy (Bicalutamide) for 18+ months now and no different to the gents above. The hormones need to do their work and the consequence is what you have seen.
I did ask a question on here about what happens post hormone therapy. As I recall there were no relevant replies.
I agree with the above; this is a topic for a 1 to 1 discussion.
Have a Happy New Year!
Pierre
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Hello Sherbie and welcome
Firstly, has your other half had other treatments apart from the surgery.
What was the original diagnosis (ie surgery as the PC was contained, his choice etc)
Has he had HT that the other gents are mentioning
(I've just read your other post and you don't mention it there either)
I am 67 soon to be 68 and my other half is 75. We'v been together for getting on for 48 years so have reached that time of life where intimacy is nice when it happens but isn't the be all and end all of our relationship.
Now you on the other hand are new at this (with this love anyway) and when you got together there was no nasty cloud on your horizon so life burbled happily along until PC stepped in and took that joy from you.
What you are both experiencing is normal, it has only been three months since the op and he is still healing, especially on the inside.
He is probably concerned for the future, will he have one, will he ever be able to make love to you again etc. and he may not want to discuss those things with you for fear of upsetting you or perhaps he concerned that as a relatively new relationship, he'll lose you because you wont be able to cope with it all.
Our men think differently to us. You will be unlikely (at this early stage of his recovery) to convince him that you love him no matter what, but persevere and be patient if you can.
I wouldn't be surprised if his lack of intimate contact is not because he doesn't want to but because he is worried about disappointing you or getting your hopes up.
Do you talk at all. Is he open to a frank discussion about setting limits. If, for instance, he was able to say to you that he has no libido and therefore doesn't want to lead you on by kissing you, would you (could you) say that you would be happy enough at this stage of his recovery to just hold hands or hug or cuddle with no pressure at all.
Unless you talk the situation will not be resolved and both of you will stop making an effort and then the relationship will drift. If you love him and he loves you, you'll get through this but I do emphasise that 3 months post op isn't an excessively long time. There are men on here (rare men) who have the catheter out and seem able to get an erection almost straight away. They are the exception. It seems from the conversations on here that men react differently to the same op and don't all recover at the same rate.
I hope you can start the new year off on a different footing.
There is no telling how long it will take before he gets his head round the fact that he needs to open up and tell you exactly how he feels so I'm afraid it's likely to be down to you.
You've got the rest of your lives to spend together, just be patient with each other and talk talk talk.
Best of luck and a Happy New Year to you both
Best Wishes
Sandra
Edited by member 31 Dec 2015 at 23:33
| Reason: Not specified
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
Originally Posted by: Online Community MemberHello Sherbie,
I have been on hormone therapy (Bicalutamide) for 18+ months now and no different to the gents above. The hormones need to do their work and the consequence is what you have seen.
I did ask a question on here about what happens post hormone therapy. As I recall there were no relevant replies.
I agree with the above; this is a topic for a 1 to 1 discussion.
Have a Happy New Year!
Pierre
Hi Pierre, surprised if I didn't answer this when you first asked - sorry. Generally speaking, it takes as long as you were on the hormones for the side effects to wear off so if you are on HT for 2 years, you should be pretty much rid of the side effects 2 years after you finish. However, some of the side effects can be permanent, including the man boobs, and if you have had loss of libido and not been using the vacuum pump then the erections may return but with a loss of size / girth.
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
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"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
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Hi Pierre
I believe that Bicalutamide has a very short half life and clears the system after approx 2 months, but as Lyn says if you have developed man boobs then they may not disappear, but we are all different and don't always comform to the norm.
Roy
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Hi Sherbi
It's very difficult ! I'm nearly 7 months post-op. I thought if any couple could get over the ED and worry etc it would be me and my wife. I was wrong. There is a sadness about us and something is missing. I'm on HT also but still up for it at the moment and doing all I can to regain function.
My advice ?! Try to get close slowly. Talk is the only way through this and is essential. We are reaching a new understanding and a new us !!
Best wishes
Chris
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Hi Sherbie.
My hubby and I have gone through three years of HT and come out the other side. I wondered how you are both doing now.
It is by no means easy for either one of us. For the partners and wives we feel helpless and not in control and I think we need to take on that the gents feel that 10 fold. No one chose PC it chose them.
We need to show we care and they need to accept we didn't plan this either.
The man you have will change whilst on the treatment and there is lots of information at the dx for the gents but perhaps there should be more information for the carer too.
For me it was trying to find a balance of when to talk about how we both felt.
We had a very tactile relationship even in everyday situations a brush of the hand a touch or look. It's hard when they reduce to nothing like that but talking helped.We had always agreed if one person was not feeling 100% on something we wouldn't just do it for the sake of the other pre PC. It might sound strange but it meant that there was no question of falseness between us. So to put on a just for her attempt wasnt us. We have had to talk and work out way through. It's still him beneath and I for one am so blessed to have a man that's dealing with it so well.
We had a huge laugh going down the assistance road though. Our doctor prescribed viagra but make the form out for 40 instead of 4. The pharmacist came to have a quiet word with us as we hadn't even looked at the prescription... lol.
My reply.... I want to make him happy not wear him out.
It didn't work for us but it gave us fun trying lol.
Explain to your partner that if there is only the one route of HT and this is the price to have it then let him know its worth every penny.
Ps deaf by snoring is a side effect of 25 years of spooning with a snorer.
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D
What a lovely post.
Thanks Chris