Help and advice for a husband/father

User

Posted 04 Feb 2016 at 14:53

Hi my name is Gary, I'm married (my wife's name is Sara) we have twin boys who are 23, my youngest daughter is 14, my eldest daughter (29) is married and we have two grandchildren. I've only just been diagnosed, I've information coming out of my ears from the Heath care professionals, My wife is the only person who knows of my condition, I worry about telling the kids, when is the right time? I'm not sleeping with the worry, my mind keeps thinking worst case scenario. I know I have to stop my self, so any help or advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

User

Posted 04 Feb 2016 at 15:01

Hello Gary and welcome to the club no one wants to be in....

It will help others if you can post your staging and Gleason Score. I would also recommend that you download the toolkit available through Publications on this site...it's a massive help in understanding what you're being told

Don't be afraid to ask questions on this forum or tell us your feelings, you are not alone as there's lots of us at different stages in this journey...

Duncan

User

Posted 04 Feb 2016 at 15:11

Hi gary

As been said on another post it will be the right time when you feel ready

I assume you have discussed this with your wife

No one knows how anyone will react but at some point they will notice that something is amiss

Its going to be a choice of telling them all togeather or individually

Only you will have an idea how each one may react

It your eldest daughter lives elsewhere it may be best to visit her

In case of major upset then she will not have to drive

That is what we did with our daughter

The choices are not easy but will have to be done

Regards

Nidge

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 04 Feb 2016 at 17:48

Hello Gary and welcome.

The others have said it all really.

Your head is all over the place because what you have been told takes a lot of getting used to and we all know exactly how you feel.

Please try not to worry. When you can post your scores you'll find that some of our men will be able to share their experiences with you.

One thing to bear in mind is that Prostate Cancer treatments have advanced enormously and we have men on here who have metastatic cancer and they live their lives to the full and have done for some years.

Don't despair. We are here if you need to talk. We're good at listening!

All the best
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 04 Feb 2016 at 19:09

Hello Gary,

And a welcome from me too. I have found this site invaluable and it has helped me enormously.

During this last week there have been postings on telling families.
See the posting by EL2016 feeling alone and ensuing comments.
And also one called - Introduction help and advice.
These may help.

I have used both the PCa and Macmillan telephone support services and found them really good.
This was however before I found this site!!

Wishing you well,

John

User

Posted 04 Feb 2016 at 22:34

You Hi Garry, likewise, welcome to this site where everyone will help with advice if they can.

Any information and details about your diagnosis with figures and scores and also any treatment plans offered will be helpful. The more we know the more chance that someone can help you.

As far as telling the children I know that they are resilient and will want to help and support you and Alison as much as they can, it is easier than keeping secrets and sooner or later they will twig that something is seriously wrong and may feel aggrieved that you have not told them, don't forget , they are adults and they will be able to explain to your youngest girl who at14 is still able to understand what is going on.

Between you and your wife you will find the best way for you all.

Best wishes to you, Chris/Woody

Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint

User

Posted 05 Feb 2016 at 09:34

Thank you to everyone that answered my questions. I can honestly say I no longer feel alone. I've been able to take a deep breath, I'm going to see my eldest daughter tonight, along with my wife. There will be tears ( on both sides) but I know I'm not on my own. I will be in regular contact with all my brothers, again thank you all so very much, I appreciate it so very much. Gary aka Chaplain.

User

Posted 05 Feb 2016 at 10:07

You haven't said very much about your diagnosis and I think the issue of telling children - particularly the 14 year old - rather depends on the outlook. If you have been diagnosed early and will be opting for curative treatment or active surveillance then it is sensible to keep a matter-of-fact tack and tell the children that you have cancer but that it is very treatable. If however, you have been diagnosed with late stage incurable cancer, there is no point giving them false hope. We have seen on here recently 2 young people who were asking questions of us because their parents had not explained everything and Google had put the fear of God into them. Young people should not find out from strangers on a laptop that their dad isn't going to get better.

In our experience, the thing your children don't need to know a great deal about is the potential side effects of the various treatments .... John hates that his daughters now know all about erectile dysfunction.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 05 Feb 2016 at 12:24

Hi Gary,
Sorry for your news but your have come to the right site. Everyone has been wonderful here and vast experience to be tapped.
My experience was obviously OH knew immediately. I did however take time in telling family. I did tell my siblings once I had all the results in from blood, bone, mri and cat so that I had full information and could answer all if not most questions. Did this in order that my brothers could be tested (both negative thank goodness) Only told parents when about to start chemo as didn't want to worry them before. Have two young girls and haven't mentioned anything to them and as treatment has gone well that was best for us.

All the best
Steven

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