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Waiting for my partners diagnosis

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User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 13:22

Hi all,
My partner has been unwell for a while and has recently had blood tests which have come back as "high".... This is all he has told me, we are at the hospital tomorrow to see the consultant but as far as I know not for any scans or biopsy. Can anyone tell me what will happen tomorrow?

User

Posted 24 Mar 2016 at 09:51

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

"Not really proud of this but I sent my wife a text to say" got cancer going off to see the specialist nurse" and then switched my phone off." CC, I don't think you have ever mentioned that before - your poor wife!!!! :-)

I do not think it has ever been relevant to mention it before, I have replied to members about the perils of going to consultations alone but not the text bit. We all deal with things our own way and it is not nice to admit that I was an idiot. "your poor wife" mmmm she does get her own back and puts me on the spot by frequently telling people at support groups and prostate social gatherings what I did.

Irrespective of Andylou's outcome hopefully like me he will see the error of his ways and try to make amends.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 24 Mar 2016 at 10:05

I don't feel he has to make amends as such Chris, just go back to the loving man he was, and hopefully he will...

User

Posted 24 Mar 2016 at 10:33

You weren't an idiot CC - don't say that. It made me smile because I could imagine J doing something like that .... one of the reasons I don't let him do anything on his own!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

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User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 15:16

hi
like yourself this will be a bit of guess work, assuming by high that will relate to his PSA level from his blood test, the consultant will prob be a urologist, he may want to examine your partner to feel his prostate, also he will discuss treatment ie biopsy and possible scans which may be required
the biopsy if he has one will help to determine the grade of cancer, this is done by giving a Gleason score between 1 and 10
where 1 is low and 10 is high
all of the results take time up to 2 weeks, hope this answers some of your questions

regards
nidge

run long and prosper
'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 15:22

A

The fact that he is not having a biopsy tomorrow "may" be a good sign.

Having worked with a guy with a very high PSA and no PCa I was not going to have cancer.

My own journey was a visit to GP and told PSA result was high,one week later a biopsy at the hospital and one week later diagnosed with PCa.Scans etc followed in the next few weeks.

Hope all goes well tomorrow and stay positive.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 15:44

Thank you, it's all a bit up in the air and we don't know what we are dealing with, whatever it is we have to face we will face it together.....

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 15:46

Thanks for your comments Chris, I didn't know that some people had a biopsy straight away rather than seeing the urology consultant first... This as you say may well be a good sign, fingers crossed, and how are you? How are you doing?

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 16:23

Andylou, it might be a good idea to know how high before tomorrow - gives you a chance to prepare emotionally.

In prostate cancer terms, 'high' could be anything from 3.1 to 13,000. How high it is doesn't always indicate how serious it is or even whether it is definitely cancer but if the PSA is in the hundreds then it is more likely to be cancer than anything else. So for example, my husband's PSA was 3.1 but it had already spread a little. On the other hand, we have members with PSA in the 20s or 30s with apparently no cancer, a couple who had it throughout their bones with a PSA of 3 or 4 and I can think of men with pSA in the hundreds and no spread.

I wouldn't want to go along to the appointment tomorrow and then have the shock of hearing his PSA was 500 or 5000, if you can possibly avoid it!

You might also want to leave the consulting room at some point(or they may have a curtained area) - I imagine the consultant will want to stick a finger up partner's bum to feel the prostate gland and there are not many men who feel great about that anyway, especially with a partner nearby.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 16:30

Hello Anydou and welcome to the site.

When you go tomorrow for the appointment, make sure you take a notebook and pen as it helps to keep track of what may be said to you both. (It won't be considered odd - lots of people do it and it's a regular piece of advice given on here)

If your other half lets you sit in on the consultation (even if he isn't keen on you being there for the physical exam) it means that there will be two pairs of ears taking the information in.

If you already have questions you would like answers to, the write those down before you go. You may well forget all about them due to anxiety.

Good luck the pair of you. please come back and let us know how he got on and, of course, ask anything you want answers to.

All the best
Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 16:32

It is difficult to get exact numbers off my partner at the moment he is being quite defensive and a bit off, which I totally understand he gets upset with me if I try to tell him how I feel, I have said he may be examined by the consultant and of course I will leave them too it at that point.... I will try to get figures of count off him, thank you for your comments...

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 16:35

Thank you I will take a notebook, I hadn't thought of that! The reason I want to go is because we don't know what we are walking into and I need to hear what's going on, I don't have much info to go on as my partner is keeping things to himself and getting upset with me if I have an opinion which is why I joined this group, thank you for the information it's nice to not be alone....

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 16:39

It's 3.6 he tells me

Edited by member 23 Mar 2016 at 16:40 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 18:22

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

A

You have not said how old your OH is and the PSA and age may have a bearing on tomorrow. I was 62 with a PSA of 7.7 so it was a fair assumption there was something amiss.

I know exactly how your OH is feeling I went to the GP on my own,I went to the biopsy on my own and I went for the result on my own. It was my problem and I was doing it my way. I think I was in that classic " my wife doesn't understand me" frame of mind.

Not really proud of this but I sent my wife a text to say" got cancer going off to see the specialist nurse" and then switched my phone off.

She has been a rock and we are now stronger than ever.

Hope all goes well.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 18:27

Hi Chris
My partner is 57, I suppose he's not too bad then compared to you! We all handle things in our own way I know that and I am prepared for some element of anger and upset. He says he has no interest in anything, not in me, in family, in work, did you find this? Is it normal to feel like that? It's upsetting from my point of view as he is pushing me away or that's how it feels anyway....PSA 3.6

Edited by member 23 Mar 2016 at 18:27 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 18:38

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Andylou you are never alone on this site, it's what we are here for. Every single member is either a prostate cancer sufferer or the wife/partner of one so we do understand exactly what you are both going through.

For some men handling the knowledge that he has prostate cancer can be almost impossible to take in

His brain has probably already told him he's finished, if not dying then he's told himself he'll be impotent and incontinent for the rest of his life. Such a reaction (for a lot of men - not all) is not unusual. It does mean though that he is will find it difficult talking to the person he is closest too. He's frightened and uncertain and lashing out at you because you are there.

Please try not to take it personally at this stage. He needs your support and love and hopefully will eventually come round.

PSA of 3.6 is not drastically high but it's not always easy to predict what is happening just from the PSA. We have men on here with PSA in the thousands, who are not in the cure camp but live (and have lived) full and active lives.

Until your other half has a definite diagnosis then you are both floundering in the dark.

I wish you both well, and can only repeat, please have patience with him He is in turmoil, (as indeed are you !) and we can get a little selfish when we are afraid of what the future might bring.

Best wishes

Sandra

Edited by member 23 Mar 2016 at 18:39 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 18:56

Thanks Sandra

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 19:14

Well that's some relief - the consultant may have a feel to see if it is soft and smooth, may suggest a biopsy or it might be one of the hospitals where they can offer a scan first and then decide whether a biopsy is needed or not. Or the consultant might say let's just do another PSA test in 3 months and see whether it stays stable. S/he may ask some very personal questions about urinary function, erections, libido, whether ejaculatory fluid has decreased recently, etc. Might even ask whether your OH is a keen cyclist (very frequent cycling can result in raised PSA with no cancer present)

Edited by member 23 Mar 2016 at 19:19 | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 19:29

Tbh his sex drive is non existent he has back pain and other symptoms. It's very upsetting when you think it's you! That your partner doesn't find you attractive we had rows about it! I felt so rejected and hurt, but it's not about me it's about getting him through whatever it is we have to deal with and for him to be ok... We don't know what the outcome will be tomorrow I'm just hoping it's nothing serious... But am prepared I think if it is something serious.... Thanks everyone

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 19:40

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

A

I was very positive before DX I was not going to have cancer,guy at work had raised PSA and no cancer I was going to be the same.

Post DX I was a different person, I spoke to guys at work but not my wife, if she said talk to xxx he has had cancer I would not. If Joe at work said talk to yyyy he has had cancer I would pick the phone up, no logic but as many guys say you feel like someone has hit you with a sledgehammer.

Work became important it was a distraction and I did enjoy my job.Cannot say I had no interest in family, but I did foolishly consider doing nothing and that was very selfish.

Like Sandra said in her post, he probably is fearing the worst, not all the bad side effects are guaranteed.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 20:22

I am wondering if the GP examined his prostate as I didn't think.a PSA of 3.6 was significantly elevated for his age. I.know the guidance says it should be lower than three for men 50-59 but it is less than 4 for men at 60. Having said that I suppose we are quick to criticise GP's who don't refer.

Did your husband partake in any vigorous exercise or ejaculate in the 48 hours prior to his PSA test as that can elevate the PSA. Likewise if the GP examined his prostate and then took his blood that could elevate his PSA.

Either way all the very best with the consultation

Bri

User

Posted 23 Mar 2016 at 20:29

Yes the doc did examine him but he had bloods taken a few days later, doc said prostate enlarged but could just be to do with age....

User

Posted 24 Mar 2016 at 09:51

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Irrespective of Andylou's outcome hopefully like me he will see the error of his ways and try to make amends.

Thanks Chris

User

Posted 24 Mar 2016 at 10:05

I don't feel he has to make amends as such Chris, just go back to the loving man he was, and hopefully he will...

User

Posted 24 Mar 2016 at 10:33

You weren't an idiot CC - don't say that. It made me smile because I could imagine J doing something like that .... one of the reasons I don't let him do anything on his own!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User

Posted 24 Mar 2016 at 11:10

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
Tbh his sex drive is non existent he has back pain and other symptoms. It's very upsetting when you think it's you! That your partner doesn't find you attractive we had rows about it! I felt so rejected and hurt, but it's not about me it's about getting him through whatever it is we have to deal with and for him to be ok... We don't know what the outcome will be tomorrow I'm just hoping it's nothing serious... But am prepared I think if it is something serious.... Thanks everyone

It isn't that he doesn't find you attractive anymore Andylou. If he is worried sick, uncomfortable with back pain and the rest, then sex must be the last thing on his mind.

Fear and worrying whether you have cancer must have a dampening effect on the libido even if you are normally quite active in that respect.

I really do understand the hurt and feeling of rejection for you though, (been there and done that in the past !)

If he is a non communicator (except during a row - when he might well say he has no feelings for you or anything else) then you will also be thinking the worst about his love for you.

You say it isn't about you, and as far as the possible Prostate Cancer is concerned, of course it isn't - you can't understand what that feeling is like. None of us women can, in the same way that our men have to imagine our PMT, or childbirth pains but can't experience it for real.

It is, however, about you to a large extent because he is going to need all the support you can give him if it is confirmed that he has cancer.

Fingers crossed that today will offer a resolution. I hope so anyway.

Chin up, you'll be there for him, when he needs you.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

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