dad recently diagnosed health complications already

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 08:25

hi i wonder if you can give me so advice, just to give some health background my father has been living in Australia for the last 15 years and has recently returned to live with me and my family as his health has really detoriated. He has stage four parkinson disease with complications with his swallow, he has congested heart disease with a history of bypass op and stents one of his artery is still blocked but to to risky to operate now, through test at his new docs here they have discovered the reason hes lost so much weight and is so lethargic is he has stage 3 prostrate cancer just escaping from prostrate but not touch lymphs or bone so far, he has nodes on lungs discovered in australia and diagnosed as benign but consultant has ask for them to be scanned again considering the latest news.

His gleeson score is 7 he has started hormone tablets and will have monthly injections at GP we will see the radiologist in a couple of weeks to see if he would be able to manage radiotherapy its if he can sit still and how poorly it will make him, the consultant said a health person with this prostrate cancer would last 5 years but with dads complications who knows and we should seriously think how much intervention we take as it would effect his life alot and hes poorly now on a day to day basis, dad said he would rather have quality over quantity he doesnt just want to exist in overwhelming pain and tiredness to he dies, he would rather go out with a bang! Hes 72 hes left his whole life including his wife to come home as she wasnt willing to give the care he needs she didnt want acknowledge his parkinsons let alone cancer so i sort of understand but feel i should push every option to give him the longest time here but i know i would feel guilty if he was miserable and ill every day, such a big decision for him. Also we were supposed to go away with my sister and my dad to menorca for a family holiday do i cancel hes says no hes looking forward to it even just sitting on the balcony in the sun watching the kids in the pool, god knows how i would get insurance for him!!

I also worry how long he has left he wanted to move into his own warden controlled flat, to have some independence and space, but i dont know if thats possible now it depends how long he has left and we are unsure if he has five years with some good health we will go for it for him with all our help there are four of us including my sister whos a nurse, but if he only has a year i want to keep him here with me to the end of he decides a hospice, has anyone here got prostrate cancer with other health complications i would love to hear how you are doing. My brother said if we knew if was not long we would get him if he wanted to do a bucket list and try and fulfill his wishes why hes is reasonably able the unknown is the scariest feeling.

sorry for rambling.

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 10:53

Hello Jo3Kids,

Sorry you join us due to your Dad having PCa as well as other problems. It does sometimes help for someone in your position to share your thoughts as you have done.

I don't think there is an easy answer to this situation. Your father has expressed a wish for quality over quantity for the rest of his life and I am sure you will try to go along with this as far as possible. What to do for the best is made more difficult by not having a more certain idea of how long he has left and to what extent medication will work.

I will just pick up on one aspect. You say his wife was not prepared to give him the care he needs and that he wanted to move into his own warden controlled flat. At one point in my life I was involved selling apartments in a retirement home and worked closely with the resident warden. It was our experience that many applicants were assuming the warden was there to care for all their needs and this is not the case. Whilst the warden obviously had some responsibilities and helped where she could, she clearly could not provide anything like the degree of care given in a nursing home and some people who needed rather more care had to be turned away after their suitability had been assessed.

Much here depends on what you are prepared in your circumstances to take on and for how long. Perhaps you could discuss this with your father and agree a trial period with you on the understanding that if his situation became worse or you were finding it too difficult to cope other arrangements would have to be made.

Barry

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 12:46

Hello Jo and welcome.

Your dad has said, quite plainly, that he wants quality over quantity. Living without quality of life is just existing and will be distressing for all of you.

I can't offer much advice except to say the bucket list idea is great. Let him make one, perhaps in order of importance to him, but don't set a time limit on it. Just a general list of things that he'd love to get under his belt.

Insurance for his health is likely to be expensive, if you can get cover at all as so much is still up in the air and insurance companies don't like the "maybees".

Please don't consider travelling without it though. If anything happened to him ie he passed away on holiday, then you would have the expense of bringing him home or leaving him there.

Have you asked either the GP or the hospital for advice re: travelling?

My nephew lives in a warden controlled home and he has to have regular medication. The wardens don't do it. They say it's not their job

Good luck and well done for wanting to do the best for him that you can. Perhaps the "best for him" though is to let him make the decision to live a short life to the full rather than drag it out. IF drugs or treatment can give him quality of life, without too many side effects, then that's different.

I wish all of you the very best

Sandra

Edited by member 27 May 2016 at 12:49 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

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User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 10:10

also i forgot to say his PSA is 42 and his gleeson is 3+ 4

thanks jo

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 10:53

Hello Jo3Kids,

Sorry you join us due to your Dad having PCa as well as other problems. It does sometimes help for someone in your position to share your thoughts as you have done.

Barry

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 12:28

thanks barry, the warden controlled flat was discussed before the cancer diagnosis, but at the same time he is staying in my sons room whos sharing now with his sister not ideal forever so we need to make some more permanent arrangements so everyone is settle he shocked us when he said he was travelling home from Australia how he made it with his issues i dont know sheer will i think, i know what i would like to know is probably impossible to answer we would love him to be here in five years but not in pain or just existing he would absolutely hate that but i dont want to give up to easily especially as he has family around him that would support him and look after him.

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 12:46

Hello Jo and welcome.

Your dad has said, quite plainly, that he wants quality over quantity. Living without quality of life is just existing and will be distressing for all of you.

Insurance for his health is likely to be expensive, if you can get cover at all as so much is still up in the air and insurance companies don't like the "maybees".

Please don't consider travelling without it though. If anything happened to him ie he passed away on holiday, then you would have the expense of bringing him home or leaving him there.

Have you asked either the GP or the hospital for advice re: travelling?

My nephew lives in a warden controlled home and he has to have regular medication. The wardens don't do it. They say it's not their job

I wish all of you the very best

Sandra

Edited by member 27 May 2016 at 12:49 | Reason: Not specified

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails

User

Posted 27 May 2016 at 19:25

now even more worried as parkinson consultant has asked for a brain scan as his speech is so bad and he feels its nothing to do with parkinson but warrants a MRI scan i just hope the prostrate hasnt spread their consultant said he would be very surprised if it hadnt spread somewhere else we wondered lung but this has made us worried

User

Posted 28 May 2016 at 05:19

hi jo
with what you say re dad I think getting any medical cover for holiday in spain will be expensive, insurancewith is one I have just used for Canada to cover my cancer but it comes with a 500pound excess
a holiday would be good but I think uk rather than abroad, can you get a refund of hols already booked

bucket lists are good but also have to be practical,

what a great family also

regards
nidge

run long and prosper

'pooh how do you spell love'

'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'

User

Posted 29 May 2016 at 09:10

Hi Jo

If I was in your shoes, I'd postpone the holiday. Your dad doesn't sound capable or travelling, and it would just be a great worry for you. Are the kids old enough to go alone?

Why don't you book a uk cottage holiday near the sea and take your dad on that?

With reference to your living situation, why not book an appointment to see your dads consultant, and get an accurate picture of his health- what he has, how long he has without treatment, what the treatment is (beating in mind your dads wishes) and how much longer that's likely to give him. Then your dad can make a choice, and you can decide how to handle the living arrangements.

It must be hard for your dad. He's moved countries, and someone who promised for better for worse has jumped ship just when she was most needed. I think it's also going to be hard for you, but when your father is no longer here, you will know that you were there for him. Try and use the time to make some fun memories

Louise

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