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Gone Gone Gone (Done Moved On)

User
Posted 02 Jun 2016 at 20:10

I thought I should start a new thread as the title 'Are we coming to the end' has now become somewhat redundant. I am not being morbid with this new title - it was David's favourite song on his I pod and we played it at his funeral (probably to some raised eyebrows but as I was sat at the front I couldn't see them!). It's actually a very upbeat song.


This is my second week back at work and I have to say people just astound me. I am supposed to be working in 'the caring profession'. However the number of people who turn away when they see me or walk past quickly without even saying hello is unbelievable. These are people I have worked with for several years. Of course there are also people who come and chat and are being very nice but still... I know it's their problem and not mine but it is certainly making the return to work far more difficult than it needs to be. I've found it quite challenging and having thought all the IT issues were sorted - well I spoke too soon! I met with my boss today and said I'll give it until September and then decide if I want to stay or take early retirement. It won't be that early as I've just turned 59.


Otherwise the potential neighbour has backed off but the current owner of next door has written to me offering a potential solution which includes him covering any legal fees. I have contacted a solicitor for advice on this proposition but it sounds reasonable so far.


The good news is that my daughter returns from a month in Japan on Saturday. She'll only be home for one night before going back to Oxford until October. But that's a 2 hour drive, not something like 9000 miles away. So far she's only sent me 7 postcards and has Skyped frequently - not her usual way - she's obviously needing contact with home which is understandable, and it's been nice for me too. 


Rosy

User
Posted 02 Jun 2016 at 20:10

I thought I should start a new thread as the title 'Are we coming to the end' has now become somewhat redundant. I am not being morbid with this new title - it was David's favourite song on his I pod and we played it at his funeral (probably to some raised eyebrows but as I was sat at the front I couldn't see them!). It's actually a very upbeat song.


This is my second week back at work and I have to say people just astound me. I am supposed to be working in 'the caring profession'. However the number of people who turn away when they see me or walk past quickly without even saying hello is unbelievable. These are people I have worked with for several years. Of course there are also people who come and chat and are being very nice but still... I know it's their problem and not mine but it is certainly making the return to work far more difficult than it needs to be. I've found it quite challenging and having thought all the IT issues were sorted - well I spoke too soon! I met with my boss today and said I'll give it until September and then decide if I want to stay or take early retirement. It won't be that early as I've just turned 59.


Otherwise the potential neighbour has backed off but the current owner of next door has written to me offering a potential solution which includes him covering any legal fees. I have contacted a solicitor for advice on this proposition but it sounds reasonable so far.


The good news is that my daughter returns from a month in Japan on Saturday. She'll only be home for one night before going back to Oxford until October. But that's a 2 hour drive, not something like 9000 miles away. So far she's only sent me 7 postcards and has Skyped frequently - not her usual way - she's obviously needing contact with home which is understandable, and it's been nice for me too. 


Rosy

User
Posted 20 Sep 2016 at 15:56

In a few days time it will be 6 months since David died - where has that time gone? - it just doesn't seem possible! My stupid brain often mutters things like 'when this is all over...', 'I wonder what David will think when he sees/hears...' and 'OK that's long enough now - time for you to come back'. The tears come more easily now as realisation begins to set in - they've started now as I write this.


BUT - I have been keeping busy. I've successfully put up a hanging rail (blunt hacksaw blades don't work very well), I've organised and had the cavity walls done, I'm attacking the garden bit by bit and sorting the contents of the loft. I've found lots of 'treasures' and chuckled my way through the kids school news books. I've bought the wood for some new gateposts and am about to replace the old rotten ones. I may ask my brother (not the dentist you'll be glad to hear) to help drill the hole through for the bolt as I'm not sure I'll get it through in a straight line - or maybe I'll just have a go myself. I can always get more if I mess it up and I want to at least try to do things myself.


I've travelled all over visiting people - Somerset, Devon, Cornwall, Nottingham, Eastbourne, Folkestone, Oxford, London. And I've forgotten to pay the Dart charge - now awaiting a penalty letter. I've set up an account now so I won't do it again. One morning I woke to find my number plates had been stolen from my car - so keeping my crime report number handy in case I get blamed for robbing a petrol station or something! I even went to check out the W.I. last week with a friend, I never thought I'd do that!


All the new series of programmes we used to watch together have now started which is tough to watch without thinking about the comments we would have made as we watched. The hard bit is having no-one to talk to about the 'trivia'. Friends say to just call if you need a chat but of course they don't always know the background to 'You'll never guess who I saw today' etc. They are very good about keeping in touch (almost always as soon as you sit down to eat but I'm not complaining). The other thing I miss terribly is physical contact - the hand on my shoulder or arm and even that deliberately wet sloppy kiss on my neck when I was least expecting it!


But I'm still here and still sane (I think) and am now booked for 10 days in Marrakech with my daughter in November! And my son has invited me to go on holiday with them next year and of course there is his wedding in December. So although it's hard, life does go on...

Edited by member 20 Sep 2016 at 16:03  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 29 Jun 2016 at 00:25

It is strange isn't it...  Thank goodness we can't see what's to come.


As far as the pruning goes I've reached the limit with secateurs, large secateurs and a saw. Luckily my dentist, after fixing my tooth, offered to come over with his chain saw. I can see you wondering what sort of dentist I have and does he use power tools in the surgery? No, he's my brother! 

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User
Posted 03 Jun 2016 at 14:50
Rosy

Hi, yes I agree the change of thread is defintely a good idea.

People at work that do not come and talk are the ones who are scared, they have no idea what to say and are probably terrified that you will melt into a weeping heap in front of their very eyes !

I actually had people cross the road in our village rather than speak to me, after a few weeks I had enough so if they crossed over I did too and went to them and said Hi. Once the ice was broken and they realised I'd be ok then they finally got to say something with a bit more confidence.

You are probably right about your job too, I had already finished work when Mick died so it wasn't a decision I had to make. I did promise him that I would not rush into any decisions about anything. I have found that keeping that promise has meant that I followed wise counsel. Decisions you make need to be ones made with your head and not your heart just now.

Brilliant that your daughter is on her way back and will be so much nearer for you Im sure you will both be great support for each other.

Also good that the neighbour issue seems to be coming to an amicable resolution.

Take good care
xxx
Mo
User
Posted 03 Jun 2016 at 15:45

Glad for you Rosy that your daughter is home, even though it's still 2 hours away. It's doable isn't it.

My daughter found the same with friends when her son was diagnosed with cancer. She thought at first she was just overly sensitive but actually watch them cross the road to avoid her.
Like Mo I agree that it's fear, fear of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you. For some perhaps fear that the "bad luck" will rub off !! Whatever the reason, at a time when you need your friends most, it's hurtful when they aren't there.

You're a fighter, you've had to be so whatever life is going to throw at you in the future, you'll catch it and lob it back.

Glad the neighbour has made a sensible suggestion. Not daft is he really since all you have to do next time is contact the sellers estate agent and point out there is a possible boundary dispute . He won't want that happening if he wants to sell

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 13 Jun 2016 at 21:58
Hi Rosy
Sorry I missed this post. I'm glad to see you have gone back to work, I think it's hard to know how to deal with this from the point of view of the bereaved person. I think we know that this will happen but it's a shock when it does. If only they knew what to say or do. I really hope I've never done that.

We know you as a strong women, don't let them get you down Rosy.

So glad your daughter is home, it's such a comfort to have your children around.

Good idea not to make decisions too soon, I know my sister (who lost her husband at 52) has many regrets about choices made too soon.

Hugs

Devonmaid xxx
User
Posted 13 Jun 2016 at 22:13

Whoops DM I might have made a decision too quickly! I told my boss on Friday that I'd come to the conclusion that I really didn't want to be at work anymore and was going to take early retirement. Now just waiting for her to negotiate with the powers that be in the hope of allowing me to go before the prescribed 3 month notice period.


I felt a huge weight off my shoulders once I'd told her so I hope it's the right decision!


Rosy

User
Posted 14 Jun 2016 at 10:37

Rosy, if you felt the weight lift from your shoulders then you obviously made the right decision for you.

I hope they can accommodate your request for an early leaving period.

Best Wishes

Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 14 Jun 2016 at 10:56

Good luck Rosy. I know what you mean about work colleagues. Before I retired I worked in social work and believe me many of them were not caring, compassionate people although I think there is a lot in what Mo says about people being afraid of making the first move. I have recently retired and am still a bit ambivalent about it. But I think there is a lot of living for you and me and work may get in the way. Cheers. Georgina

User
Posted 14 Jun 2016 at 20:54
Rosy

I retired 14 months early,sort of on the spur of the moment I did think about it for 4 hours,no more late night phone calls, now get uninterrupted weekends, best thing I ever did.

Take care.

Thanks Chris


User
Posted 14 Jun 2016 at 23:17

Rosy, the fact that you said it and then felt better is a good sign that you have made the right decision - take care xxx

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
User
Posted 21 Jun 2016 at 22:21

3 more days before I leave work for 2 weeks annual leave and then the start of my new life whatever that will be! Can't wait to go.

User
Posted 22 Jun 2016 at 06:51

Exciting times Rosy.

The two weeks leave will be a "lead in" time eh - you just don't go back to work!!

After the initial excitement of being free, you'll likely get into a similar routine to work but just at your own pace, and with the freedom to change your plans at the last minute.

It will all seem strange at first, and sad and nostalgic at times too, but this is your new life and David will be with you in your heart, every step of the way

Enjoy !

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 22 Jun 2016 at 08:49
Hi Rosy
I'm thrilled for you, I'm sure it's the right decision for you, after all there's nothing stopping you doing something else later if you want to. I think the loss of someone so loved changes you forever, you feel the need to change a lot of things and why not? At least you'll be free to see your daughter as and when you like. I haven't left work for good, but I am on long term sick leave as my issue was being able to concentrate on my detailed work (I work with contracts and you need your brain to be switched on), it has reduced the stress on me not to have to think about and worry about work. I don't feel it's likely that I'll ever go back, especially as I'm needed so much at home. My GP gave me the analogy of holding a glass of water saying it really didn't matter how much water was in the glass but the length of time you had to hold it that was so exhausting. In my case, over five years of strain took its toll on me and that made me see why.

My life is ridiculously full, even without work, I'm sure yours will be the same.

Huge hugs and love
Devonmaid xxxxx
User
Posted 28 Jun 2016 at 18:49

Had a bit of shock at the weekend when I was clearing through piles of David's old papers. I found a blood test form requested by the GP for blood sugar and cholesterol but also ticked were FBC and PSA. It was dated March 2013 - a year before his diagnosis - and I have to assume he never had it done as the form was still here.


Initially I was very upset and wondering what the outcome would have been if he'd had it done. But after thinking it over I remembered that the oncology nurse said at diagnosis that he would have had PCa for years because he had so many bone metastases. Also I remember that I had noticed many times during 2013 that he was absentmindedly tapping his ribs and although he denied any problem this later proved to be metastases. So it wouldn't have made any difference to the treatment. Apart from that he had had a really good year - he went to the gym every day and was busy in the garden, feeling really fit and enjoying retirement. He changed a lot after diagnosis and became really quite withdrawn and low. So actually I'm glad he didn't get the test done - it gave him another year to enjoy life properly! That said, if anyone is wondering whether or not to have a test please do. David was one of the unlucky ones.


So far my retirement is going brilliantly - a bad attack of IBS (now better), a broken tooth (now fixed), a barney with my son (now resolved) and only a few wounds from some very vigorous pruning in the garden! Tomorrow is another day!


 

User
Posted 28 Jun 2016 at 19:54

Roll on tomorrow eh!

Glad that retirement suits you.

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 28 Jun 2016 at 20:59
Hi rosy
Lovely to see you're enjoying retirement even with a few hiccups.
Lesley x
User
Posted 29 Jun 2016 at 00:03

Ah Rosy, as I was reading it I was thinking 'what a good job he didn't know - an extra year of being happy' and then saw that you had come to the same thoughts. I rue the day that Stan decided to get a well man check - he was 79 for God's sake, what did he want a well man check for???? On the other hand, it has often struck me that it was a blessing he didn't go a couple of years earlier because his decision not to have treatment would I think have been met with much more upset & opposition in the family and from doctors. How strange that we end up being grateful for things that would have been unimaginable pre-PCa :-(

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
User
Posted 29 Jun 2016 at 00:04
Oh Rosy,
Hindsight I have thought this many times if only Trevor had been diagnosed 1 year, 2 years , 5 years , 10 years earlier then maybe the outcome could have been so different. I suppose the wondering what could have been will always be there.

A very wise person once said to me (my dad) you can't change the past but you can alter the future.
So be very carefull with that pruning😉
BFN
Julie X
NEVER LAUGH AT A LIVE DRAGON
User
Posted 29 Jun 2016 at 00:25

It is strange isn't it...  Thank goodness we can't see what's to come.


As far as the pruning goes I've reached the limit with secateurs, large secateurs and a saw. Luckily my dentist, after fixing my tooth, offered to come over with his chain saw. I can see you wondering what sort of dentist I have and does he use power tools in the surgery? No, he's my brother! 

User
Posted 29 Jun 2016 at 01:45

No way I would have let my brother near my teeth OR my garden!!!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
User
Posted 29 Jun 2016 at 05:15

hi rosy
your dentist chainsaw massacre made me laugh, our wives partners or whatever you are called are wonderful, some of us blokes know our lives are going to be shorter than we would all hope for, but you have to pick up the pieces from what has been before and carry on, the strength you show us helps me to get through each day, thank you all for staying and supporting and telling your stories
regards
nidgestories


 

Edited by member 29 Jun 2016 at 09:34  | Reason: Not specified

run long and prosper
'pooh how do you spell love'
'piglet you dont spell love -you just feel it'
User
Posted 29 Jun 2016 at 09:08
Rosy
All I can say is snap, same thing again our journeys with our Husband's and their PCa had many similarities.
You have a very similar approach to life as me too.
My very best wishes
Xx
Mo

User
Posted 29 Jun 2016 at 10:41

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member


No way I would have let my brother near my teeth OR my garden!!!



This is not the same brother who cut through the hedge trimmer cable thank goodness!

User
Posted 30 Jun 2016 at 10:14
Ah Rosy
I think you have come to the right conclusion about that too. Our life changed forever the day John was diagnosed. He became protective of himself (unsurprisingly) and felt vulnerable very quickly. I don't khow much is head and how much is real but he is shaky, feels unsteady on his feet and generally unsafe. If he hadn't been diagnosed when he was, would he still be here? That's the 64000 $ question.

Thank goodness your brother has a chainsaw and that he knows not to use it in his surgery!

Love your attitude to life Rosy
Lots of love
Devonmaid xxx

Edited by member 01 Jul 2016 at 22:35  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 11 Jul 2016 at 01:31

Well this has been a tough week. It was David's birthday on Wednesday. I have a theory that if you are feeling cr*p you might as well tackle a job that you've been avoiding so at least you achieve something and don't have that horrible job still to do on a good day. So I tackled the wardrobe and drawers and sorted through all his clothes, shoes etc. Having kept just a few things I then took 2 large suitcases and armfuls of clothes on hangers to the Hospice shop. It was awful and I had to make a very swift exit from the shop and cried all the way home. It seems to have triggered lots of weepy moments since then.


But the positives were an hour and a half walk with an ex work colleague on Friday with her dog, and then today a 5 mile walk with another work friend by the sea (followed by a meal out together). Not bad for someone who is extremely unfit and does minimal exercise! Having a slight problem moving now as my legs have seized up! But I will keep it up. I've also progressed to sorting out all my clothes too including chucking out a lot of my work clothes - very therapeutic. So there's now another mountain of clothes to be disposed of but they will be much easier.  


The calendar is pretty full with friends and family coming to stay, and arrangements for coffees and lunches. It's just hard getting used to coming home and having no-one here to ask about my day etc. Also it keeps dawning on me that the world is moving on and David isn't an active part of it any more. What he would have had to say about all the political dramas!!  

User
Posted 11 Jul 2016 at 06:29

Ah Rosy, that really is one of the hardest parts - but you've done it.

It feels so final doesn't it, losing that link. At least others will benefit.

My sister says the same about coming home to an empty house with nobody to rant about the stupidity of others.

You'll fill your life with friends like she has but once you've settled into your new home and your new life then perhaps a little part time job (something completely different from before), even a couple of days a week gets you out of the house and seeing new faces. Or charity work.

My sister tried clerical volunteering at the hospice where her husband died, and although it was a new building it was still too upsetting but maybe a charity shop?

Whatever you try, I hope it works for you. You've been brave enough for a new start with the house and retirement.

It will get easier in time ( that good old favourite that can be so irritating when people say it - sorry about that - but I know from experience that it's true) and the pain less sharp.

I wish you well. Fill your days with friends and walks. You'll get there.

All the best

Sandra

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 11 Jul 2016 at 07:44
Rosy

Just to say thank you for sharing your story and your life with us. Your posts have often left me in tears and triggered some sad and happy memories, but have been a help.

It sounds like you are starting to turn a corner and I wish you all the best for the future.

Thanks Chris



User
Posted 11 Jul 2016 at 23:04

Yes, thank you from me too, Rosy. I am on a similar pathway, and I know it is just a matter of time before I find myself where you are now. It is really helpful to me to hear how someone else is coping. Your honesty and frankness about the difficult bits, as well as your positive thoughts, help me to feel less alone and despairing.
Thank you.
Marje

User
Posted 11 Jul 2016 at 23:11
Rosy
Such a tough thing to do, well done, you are very brave. I guess it's inevitable and needs to be done, but it's a really hard thing to do.

It sounds like you are keeping yourself fit and busy and in a funny way, enjoying life. I'm glad it's this way, notwithstanding the coming home to an empty house and having no one to share the vagaries of the day with. It's the little things I guess, that can derail your recovery. I do believe it is a recovery too, you've been through an extremely traumatic experience and need to time recover from that, without even thinking about the outcome and the loss you've borne.

I also always love reading your posts, even the very sad ones always had something special about them and I looked forward to catching up, not the content itself, of course not, as that was tough for us read and for you to endure, but there is something about you that is very special.

A few of our ladies who continue to support men and women affected by this disease have this special vibe, I won't name them, well ok, Mo is one, but I've met her and she is the same in "real life", a special person, you are another.

Thank you for showing us that life can be worth living after the loss of a loved one, many of us are dreading that day but somehow, you are give me hope.

Thanks Rosy

Huge love
Devonmaid



User
Posted 20 Sep 2016 at 15:56

In a few days time it will be 6 months since David died - where has that time gone? - it just doesn't seem possible! My stupid brain often mutters things like 'when this is all over...', 'I wonder what David will think when he sees/hears...' and 'OK that's long enough now - time for you to come back'. The tears come more easily now as realisation begins to set in - they've started now as I write this.


BUT - I have been keeping busy. I've successfully put up a hanging rail (blunt hacksaw blades don't work very well), I've organised and had the cavity walls done, I'm attacking the garden bit by bit and sorting the contents of the loft. I've found lots of 'treasures' and chuckled my way through the kids school news books. I've bought the wood for some new gateposts and am about to replace the old rotten ones. I may ask my brother (not the dentist you'll be glad to hear) to help drill the hole through for the bolt as I'm not sure I'll get it through in a straight line - or maybe I'll just have a go myself. I can always get more if I mess it up and I want to at least try to do things myself.


I've travelled all over visiting people - Somerset, Devon, Cornwall, Nottingham, Eastbourne, Folkestone, Oxford, London. And I've forgotten to pay the Dart charge - now awaiting a penalty letter. I've set up an account now so I won't do it again. One morning I woke to find my number plates had been stolen from my car - so keeping my crime report number handy in case I get blamed for robbing a petrol station or something! I even went to check out the W.I. last week with a friend, I never thought I'd do that!


All the new series of programmes we used to watch together have now started which is tough to watch without thinking about the comments we would have made as we watched. The hard bit is having no-one to talk to about the 'trivia'. Friends say to just call if you need a chat but of course they don't always know the background to 'You'll never guess who I saw today' etc. They are very good about keeping in touch (almost always as soon as you sit down to eat but I'm not complaining). The other thing I miss terribly is physical contact - the hand on my shoulder or arm and even that deliberately wet sloppy kiss on my neck when I was least expecting it!


But I'm still here and still sane (I think) and am now booked for 10 days in Marrakech with my daughter in November! And my son has invited me to go on holiday with them next year and of course there is his wedding in December. So although it's hard, life does go on...

Edited by member 20 Sep 2016 at 16:03  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 20 Sep 2016 at 16:43

Thank you, Rosy, once again, for sharing your mixture of triumphs and sadnesses, and showing how some sort of normality can return, even though it's not the same normality. I only hope I can be as brave and honest about it when my turn comes.

Marje

User
Posted 20 Sep 2016 at 17:23
Rosy, another great post thanks for sharing.
I would say your life sounds about as normal as it can given the circumstances, I hope so, because it sounds very much like my first 6 months without Mick.
The sorting out, trying jobs never previously considered, keeping busy, talking to David and wondering why he doesn't reply. I still ask Mick questions even though I have to make up an answer I think he would approve of!..it all sounds familiar but now strangely distant almost 2 years further down the line.
I do have my moments but they are rare and usually happen if I am emotionally low about something else.

I always scoffed when people said the memories change as time passes, In my case they certainly have. Nowadays I only really have good and happy memories. Sometimes, someone or something will remind me of Mick, his wit, humour and occasionally his impishness and that makes me laugh aloud.

The amazing support of wonderful friends and family has been priceless, but I think you also have to have a degree of your own self preservation and zest for life. I am sure you will be just fine, unless of course your stolen number plates were used for a jewel heist or bank robbery then you might have a bit of explaining to do !

I am sure your lovely and timely post will really help to comfort others too.

My very best wishes
xxx
Mo

User
Posted 20 Sep 2016 at 18:38

Thank you Rosy for your post.

********

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 20 Sep 2016 at 20:07
R

Thank you for sharing you experience with us.

Thanks Chris
User
Posted 20 Sep 2016 at 21:15

Hi Rosy,


Thank you for that post it was lovely


 


Barry


 

User
Posted 20 Sep 2016 at 21:34
Hi Rosy
It's lovely to hear from you and to know that you are more than coping and you are trying your hand at new things. I read something today about that and it really got to me (it was one of those Facebook memes but even so).

Having things to look forward to must be helpful, and a wedding is a very big thing to look forward to


I think it's great that you post, I find it helpful to know that life really does go on and thanks to Mo too and others over the years who have stuck with us. We really do feel like a family.

Lots of love
Devonmaid. Xxx


User
Posted 20 Sep 2016 at 22:25

Hi Rosy
I admire you so much. You ladies have such inner strength and always seem to hold it all together, whereas many a man would crumble if the roles were reversed. I pray every lady widowed by this disease finds a new happiness they undoubtedly deserve
Chris


If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade
 
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