Bazza, I don't know how your post got missed especially as you were feeling so low.
Putting down your "acceptance" roots was a start but maybe the growing medium was loosened by the news you received.
The roots are still there, they just need a little time to settle again, with a gentle but firm pat down to put them back in place.
It does take balls to end it all.
It takes bigger balls face your fears. You are anticipating failure of the final treatment when you have no definite time for that. Yes you are living with the knowledge that it is going to happen at some stage but you are a much braver man than you think you are at the moment.
Your post was dated Tuesday 26th and today is Thursday. I hope by now that you are calmer and no longer Tuesday's "quivering wreck"
Even Spartacus must have had the odd off day!!
Thinking of you friend and wishing you strength to deal with your current mood
All the best
Sandra
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Edited by member 28 Jul 2016 at 20:48
| Reason: Not specified
We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
Oh Bazza
It's obviously taken a day or two to get this moderated. Please try to get some help mate. Things aren't that bad yet and you do need some help to get through.
Lots of love
Devonmaid xxxx
User
Hey Bazza
Not like you at all. Your previous post , whilst not great news , was quite upbeat. I find each appt brings a couple of days of stress before , a headache on the day itself , and a day's wind down. And I'm totally beginning to realise that even though I'm accepting of my situation , there are huge swings between living life ok and then feeling wretched.
You are Spartacus, and this will pass. Wish I could take you out for a glass of decent red !
User
Bazza, stay strong my friendly Spartacus, you have come so far with strength and determination don't let this B*****d disease get the upper hand.
Fight it with every bone of your body, if any of us could physically help you we would but we are there in our kindred spirit and willing you to come through this bad thought time.
Don't give in,Bazza
Regards Chris/Woody
Life seems different upside down, take another viewpoint
User
Hi Bazza
Carrying on shows you have more than enough balls. You're well aware the fear of something is usually far greater than the reality at the time. If you need help as we all do at times go get it and bounce back.
Ray
User
Hi Bazza,
I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. Hopefully, you will back to the Bazza we've all got used to soon.
As you're probably aware, I've suffered badly with depression at times, and came pretty close to doing something stupid last year. Fortunately, I didn't because I realised I just couldn't hurt my family anymore. They've been through enough. I'm so glad I didn't go through with it. It would have been a huge mistake.
Keep in touch with us all here, you know we will always be here for you.
Steve
User
Bazza,
I look upon you as an inspiration, not on a pedestal, but someone who has always shown such courage, care and love for others. Of course we each suffer from very low times following dx and I found once through RT , that I wished I'd never embarked on treatment. I went back to my car and burst into tears and sobbed for about 10 minutes. I have felt so guilty for putting my family through all of this since dx.
I've seen my Onco today and have had good news but was told in no uncertain words that is it extremely likely that I may face recurrence in the future. I have to have further tests for a related matter and my wife said " when will this emotional nightmare end for us ".
You know that you are not alone in how you feel but rest assured we are all here with you and for you, as we are for anyone else on here.
Stay as strong as you possibly can and keep on fighting.
Kindest regards,
John
User
Two days later and although not happier, more in control of emotions. I just find the psychological effect of visiting a hospital a stark reminder that I am seriously ill, when in fact when I return home and after the dust settles, this effect fades and my physical self is not at all bad bar tiredness and titty swelling. I suppose what made me feel so bad was that my PSA went up after falling on Enza and only after taking it for five months (when I was hoping it would work for at least twelve) and that my testosterone seems to be the culprit, not the cancer. The ONCO has suggested taking my 12 week dose of Prostap six weekly to try and force down the T. He seems to think this strategy will work and is even toying with putting me onto Zoladex on this concentrated dose regime instead as it may work more efficaciously than Prostap. He also said that the way different people assimilate drugs may be a partial causal factor of the HT not working as well as it should. I do have a very high tolerance to drugs and it takes me three codeine to knock me out whereas most people feel an effect after just one.
Fact is, the PSA may be going up although the positive is that the ONCO states he is not alarmed given my high T rating and it will be far more definitive as to how things are progressing once the T has fallen to below 0.9.
Until then, thanks for your support. Tonight, I will be making a Maunika Gowardhan curry and washing it down with a rather large glass of Bloom gin and elderflower tonic. It's expensive but good stuff.
User
Glad you feel a little more settled.
Enjoy that curry and the accompanying gin and elderflower
Best Wishes
Sandra
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We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails |
User
Barry,
We all have setbacks, after each course of treatment my PSA has risen!
After Surgery, after RT, after HT with Chemo, a year of HT, another year of HT
But after more than 10 years since first diagnosis I'm still here and PSA is again on the rise, up from 2 to 3.3 this year, but Onco says the rise is lower than HE expected, it's higher than I like, but we carry on in hope, there are a lot of guys on here with PSA in the hundreds or more who carry on the fight so don't give up just yet, there is a light, you just haven't seen it yet!
Chris.
User
Hi Barry, In understand what you are going through as me and my OH are going through rubbish times at the moment as well, having just moved onto Cabazataxel. 2nd treatment delayed until next week due to low Hb so 2 units of blood yesterday. I keep thinking we get over one obstacle and another pops up.
Trying to keep cheerful and trying to keep doing things, but it is hard.
All I can do is empathise on this roller coaster journey.
Take care.
Glen