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Passive partner

Posted 31 Jul 2016 at 12:58

I have  had non cancerous BPH  now for 10 years with  some of the the concomitant problems associated with it - primarily over time the worsening problem with  maintaining erections hard enough to enjoy being the active partner in sex. I used to have an active sex life and  I have been  prescribed cialis 25mg and more recently  Viagra 100mg from my GP but am  put off using it very often due to the unwanted side effects - primarily headaches and   severe nasal congestion. Small price to pay says my GP. Even taking the viagra ( full 100mg) find erections are not always all that  hard. Have  more recently  now tried being the passive partner but am   keen to  find out more about the pros and cons  of being the passive partner  and any trauma it may cause on the already enlarged prostate or if there are no major risks if one is sensible. Likewise the benefits or not of prostate massage with BPH.

Posted 03 Aug 2016 at 13:29
Hi - your message has sparked off a few deep thoughts for me. I'm not sure if I'm able to contribute to the answer you're looking for but here goes. I've had various treatments for prostate cancer over the last 8 years (I now don't have a prostate) and I was the active top previous to my cancer diagnosis. In the last two years I switched from being a top to a bottom. I don't know about the medical aspects of being a passive partner with BPH but a couple of points I'd like to bring up.

Why can't we get questions like this answered as a matter of course from health professionals - ok perhaps not all health professionals (HPs) will know the answers but there must be some source we can tap into. Are we too coy to ask? Are the HPs too embarrassed to engage in that type of conversation?

Recently I've noticed I've been far more relaxed about intimacy, sex and sensuality (I don't have a partner) and have had really hard erections and have managed penetration twice in the last couple of weeks. Previously for the past 8 years I'd given up on being a top but now something has definitely changed in me - is it my state of mind, repair of nerves? I don't know. What I'm also concluding is I feel I've been solely preoccupied with the physical state of my sexual equipment and have found it so difficult to look at the sensuous relaxed side of sex - it's like testosterone precludes me from this. I remember when I was having the chemical castration Zoladex treatment my whole attitude to sex and sensuality changed (again looking back it was like previously testosterone was ruling me even my thoughts and without testosterone I was free).

I'm not sure if this has helped you but it's helped me see a bit more clearly where I'm at.

Good luck.

Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 18:01

Some straight medics may not realise that an erection sufficiently hard for vaginal penetration is not going to be hard enough for anal - you may have to spell it out to them. I think this was covered at one of the support group meetings for GB(MSM) men with PCa.

Research is still in its early days but there is sufficient data to indicate that men who have anal sex will have higher PSA and might be more at risk of prostate cancer. I am not aware that anyone has done any research yet on the impact of anal stimulation on a prostate that is already cancerous - but PCUK has recently stepped up a gear in this area so perhaps will be able to direct you to useful stats on the links with BPH?

The only impact for you in the short term might be to remember not to engage in sexual activity in the 48 hours before each PSA test or you may get a falsely high result :-)

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 19:18

Thanks for the response. Will take the info on board.

Posted 16 Aug 2016 at 19:09
Hi, Artpick.

Great to have posts on this subject.

I can think of no reason not to bottom because of BPH. Go ahead and enjoy yourself!

There is plenty of space in the rectum behind your prostate, so I would suggest that you are just guided by what your pain receptors tell you: stop if it hurts.

My husband and I have ended up enjoying all sorts of things we never did prior to my post-prostatectomy-ED. I used to be almost exclusively active and the initiator, but he is now more dominant than he was, and it has been lovely!

MacMillan are getting interested in LGBT people's issues with health services, if you share the concerns others mention here.

I have found Metro Walnut support group in Greenwich very useful, and the is a Manchester-based PCa group for men who have sex with men.


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