Ongoing lack of libido - Erectile dysfunction (ED)

I sincerely hope that your husband gets some relief from the steroids as he needs all the help he can get

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No one has the right to be judgemental towards you. We all do what we can to survive the implications of a partner's illness and developing some detachment is part of coping and keeping yourself sane, it's also perfectly normal. When Neil was so ill, the last thing he wanted was me hanging round him all the time, it made him feel his sense of helplessness more keenly. You are right to ask for medical services to step in, there are some things we simply cant cope with in our own homes.

Fiona. xxx

I am certain my own emotions were running a little high so I am pleased I did not respond with the words I had wanted to yesterday evening.

Reflecting on this overnight, and yes, amongst other things, it did play sufficiently on my mind to prevent me from sleeping much, I can only conclude that you really are struggling to deal with things on your own. You had agreed to separate rooms and giving each other more space so who can judge you for going out or socialising with friends whilst he stays at home. You will do what you feel is right and appropriate for you.

You will not be the first and you certainly won't be the last, sadly, as Fiona has said to discover that you just do not have the fortitude to deal with all this. No good time for that to happen so doing things out of guilt or handling things in the way you are now all on your own with what sounds from your own descriptions, almost with contempt, is probably worse than leaving him in the hands of a supportive and comprehensive care team.

I am not at all surprised you have had some less than supportive messages, your posts are thought provoking and probably bordering on inflamatory to some. This is not a common situation. It is not one that everyone will be able to see the other side of either. I am sure it happens more often than we know of just that very few have the "insert any adjective you feel appropriate here" to come right out and say it. This forum is open to everyone though and that means all posts and the responses to them may not always be to everyone's liking.

I would urge you to continue to fight for Bob's care package and for any help that outside agencies can give. I don't think you have said anything much about any family on here or if there are friends who could provide any company or help for Bob. I do recall you saying you have teenage children at exams stage so presumably 16/18 are they aware of the situation now and how hard it is for both of you? more to the point if they know how are they coping?

As for his ongoing medical issues, which I believe was the original purpose of your post no? In light of his previous issues and as he is probably feeling desperately low and very frightened is there any chance that he is self harming ? Of course viral infections can be horrid and the medications cause unpleasant side effects too including bad breath or black tongue with some anti viral drugs.

I hope Bob gets all the help and support he needs and that you can also stay within a coping srategy that works for you.

atb

Mo

edited slightly having been able to read back further.

also hoping to push the page not found out of the way

Edited by member 24 Sep 2016 at 13:47  | Reason: Not specified

Bad breath that's a bummer Trevor has that unfortunately due to him taking Zometa he can't have most dental procedures so my advice on that is loads of extra strong mints dotted around the house. (that's for me not him) I don't tend to keep the windows open just in case Trevor gets a chill .

ED well to be totally honest we haven't shagged in at at least 3 years , what with the terminal diagnosis and the hormone treatment and a bit like you the cooking , the ironing, cutting grass , putting the bins out , looking after 17 dogs and trying to keep cheerful for our two young children 12 and 16 even though they understand that there dad is going to die we try and stay cheerfull . So to be honest sex is the last thing I think of or worry about.

The relentless appointments are a pain aren't they I attend all of those as well and trying to stay positive as Trevor is told more bad news is hard even worse is facing our children and informing them .

Trevor can also still wash himself and make a cup of tea so like Bob pretty independent , if and when Bob gets so ill that he can't wash and make himself drinks you could just push a straw under the bedroom door that way you wouldn't have to face his breath.

For many years I worked in care homes looking after grumpy old people that I had no emotional attachment to but I treated them with care and respect .

There is an old saying and although I am not religious Do unto others as you would wish done to you.

BFN

Julie

Edited by member 25 Sep 2016 at 08:34  | Reason: Not specified

This hasn't been done by the moderator as that would be clearly noted on the post. The only other person/people who can do this are those that have originated them.

Just pointing this out for those who would be surprised at either the responses so far or wish to make a future comment.

Things are not always what they seem.

Mo

I think you are spot on Fiona. It struck me while reading the posts and replies that not so long ago we had another wife whose husband had serious mental health issues which made him aggressive and hard to be with. Generally speaking, we all rushed to offer support, advising her to look after her own needs and not feel obliged. A suicidal partner can take up every ounce of strength and test even the most patient friends and family. Similarly, as wives and partners come to the end game with their men, we are careful to say how important it is that they look after themselves & take time out when they need it - after all, who is going to care for the carer? I don't think that BW is doing any different to a lot of other people but perhaps is a little more blunt on the forum than we are used to or some feel comfortable with.

When my step-father-in-law (not Stan, the other one) was seriously ill my mother-in-law would get really angry that he was laid on the sofa all day when he should be cutting the grass etc. She refused to take time off work so I would go every day to sit with him, and I ended up giving all of his end-of-life care. It wasn't that she was cold or cruel, she loved him to bits but a) was in denial about how seriously ill he was and b) was going to need that job when he died. His view was that she was going to be a young widow and needed to carve out some kind of life without him sooner rather than later. When I was caring for my mum in the final stages, I hardly left her side except to take an hour every evening when the Marie Curie nurse arrived - I went to the gym, ran, cried, ranted and then went back and carried on.

BW, the smell can be truly awful but can happen in all sorts of different illnesses and is simply an indicator that something is wrong. Step-father-in-law had it, my mum had it and so does John sometimes, particularly when his glands are up. It also affects the taste of his food :-( I am not aware of any increased risk of lymphoma or myeloma after PCa (Stan had lymphoma before PCa but there was no suggestion that they were linked) - have they checked that the PCa hasn't spread to the lymphatic system and/or has he had problems with lymphodema since the original treatment?

Edited by member 25 Sep 2016 at 16:36  | Reason: Not specified