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Two and a half years after robotic procedure we do not have a sex life

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User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 01:22
I have been in my relationship for three years. Within a few months of meeting my now husband he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Because the news came as such a shock to both him and I and so early on in our relationship we hadn't experienced a regular sex life. Once my husband was diagnosed there were many appointments, scans ect to attend that the last thing on both our minds at that time was our sex life or having sex. He had a robotic procedure to remove the prostate with nerve sparing. His consultant advised that within 12-18months our sex live with the help of medication would be pretty much normal. Unfortunately 2 and 1/2 years after the procedure this has not happened. I am in my mid 40's, fit and active and my husband is in his early 60's again fit and active. He prefers to masturbate alone rather than having any sexual intimacy with me and whilst masturbation is a normal part of life and would normally be part of a healthy relationship ....this is not the case with us. We married at the end of last year and to date have still not consummated our marriage. I am really at a loss and whilst I have discussed my frustrations with him ... It has now become a difficult subject to talk about and I have of late started to feel resentful towards him.... which I really don't want to feel. I just wondered if there was any one that I could talk to about this. I have been fully supportive of my husband throughout this journey but I really do feel that unless something changes I can't imagine spending the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 07:14

Hi Lizzie
So sorry to hear of your plight. Yes having the op totally bu***ers a man up mentally and physically , but efforts have to be started almost week 8 after surgery to get erectile function back. Did you have an ED clinic referral ? Did hubby have a nerve sparing op ? Has he used a vacuum device , tried , pills injections creams etc. It's hard to advise unless we have this info. Assuming your sex life was ok before the op it sounds as though hubby could also be very mentally withdrawn as it is damaging to the soul to a man. If you search for a post called Erecting the erection on this site , that is quite an up to date account of men and their struggles. It sounds like you were side-lined after surgery and just need some good steering.

User
Posted 31 Aug 2021 at 12:56
You have no idea what you are talking about - perhaps get some real experience of living with prostate cancer before you start dishing out crap advice?
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 01:22
I have been in my relationship for three years. Within a few months of meeting my now husband he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Because the news came as such a shock to both him and I and so early on in our relationship we hadn't experienced a regular sex life. Once my husband was diagnosed there were many appointments, scans ect to attend that the last thing on both our minds at that time was our sex life or having sex. He had a robotic procedure to remove the prostate with nerve sparing. His consultant advised that within 12-18months our sex live with the help of medication would be pretty much normal. Unfortunately 2 and 1/2 years after the procedure this has not happened. I am in my mid 40's, fit and active and my husband is in his early 60's again fit and active. He prefers to masturbate alone rather than having any sexual intimacy with me and whilst masturbation is a normal part of life and would normally be part of a healthy relationship ....this is not the case with us. We married at the end of last year and to date have still not consummated our marriage. I am really at a loss and whilst I have discussed my frustrations with him ... It has now become a difficult subject to talk about and I have of late started to feel resentful towards him.... which I really don't want to feel. I just wondered if there was any one that I could talk to about this. I have been fully supportive of my husband throughout this journey but I really do feel that unless something changes I can't imagine spending the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.
User
Posted 18 Apr 2017 at 10:31

Lack of sex os really frustrating. I try to compensate it with a "peaceful love"?

User
Posted 20 Apr 2017 at 17:24
Lizzie

Sometimes we men need a good kick up the backside. Sometimes we need a bit of extra love and affection.

Thanks Chris

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 08:33

Hello Lizzie.

I am so sorry that you are having these problems at such a young age.

My husband is now 76 and any sex life we have can only be as the result of drugs.

That sounds fine but he bitterly resents the fact that he has to have medical help in that area so a lot of the time he doesn't bother. I am younger than him and have recently felt the need to point that out to him.

I think there is also the fact that the penis changes in shape and length following treatment for a lot of men and perhaps it's the same for your man and he feels diminished by it so would prefer to get his release in private.

Not very helpful for you though is it.

I really hope that others will be along to advise. Chris has a wealth of experience in this area as do a lot of men and women on here so I do expect you to receive other support.

Keep that chin up. You are going to need a lot of patience but I fully understand your view and can feel how close you are to saying "enough is enough".

Our men can be very taciturn and that in itself is so frustrating.


We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 11:06
L

When you look at the conversation CJ suggested look for flacid intercourse, no aids are required and if you can master the technique it is out of this world. There is a 16 year age gap between my OH and me and I dealt with those issues of jealousy mistrust and why is she with me ? many years ago, to be dealing with that and the side effects of prostate cancer must be a challenge to your OH.

Thanks Chris

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 13:06
Hi Lizzie,

It would seem that our cases are similar. My OH is now 60, I'm 48. He had his surgery Dec 2014, nerve sparing on one side only. We had immediate referral to continence and ED clinic- he has suffered both. Sympathetic GP has prescribed daily cialis 5mg- I realise we are lucky on this front.

Our sex life is almost non existent, and I too regret this massively. OH has lost size and girth (he is not one for the pump), and is bothered by this, although I am not at all bothered.

It's like they can't do the intercourse bit (which we understand) so they don't bother with the outercourse either (which I do mind). He does have some reaction these days, although it takes a bit of manipulating, but less I initiate it, a functional couple of kisses and a hug is where we're at.

I have found out only this morning after a furtive grope (my OH has just finished salvage RT) that actually he finds orgasm quite painful. Maybe this is an issue for your husband?

Mine is a farmer. He's more than comfortable talking about sex, as long as it's his animals and not him.

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 13:25

Despite this awful cancer and the effects of treatment , I'd be interested to know just how active normal 60 yr old men are in the bedroom. I'd guess quite a lot weren't that bothered anyway , and I guess many would be suffering with weakened erections or ED caused by other reasons entirely. I'm 50 in June and am fully functioning now. Partly due to luck and the surgeon maybe , but also through a LOT of effort to recover. I'm just sad it's looking likely that I will lose it all again with further treatment.

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 18:58
Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I'd be interested to know just how active normal 60 yr old men are in the bedroom.

CJ

At 62, pre diagnosis, I was as active as I was at forty.

Thanks Chris

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 20:52
I didn't get to find out about a normal 60 year old, but a normal 57 year old was pretty damn hot!
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 21:20

Hi Lizzie70

I am now 5 months post Full RT and after a further 36 Radiotherapy sessions, and am now asking my specialiest about trying to resume my sex life, i am 65 and although never particularly regular in having sex, I still enjoy the intamacy with my wife and she does with me too.

I have been prescirbed some form of Viagra but have as yet not tried it, as I get some bad pains when feeling any sort of erection.

Both my wife and I accept that at lest I am alive and maybe we can have a different type of intamacy rather than the full sex we enjoyed before my operation.

I do find it very frustrting but as we both love each other, we have found alternative ways to enjoy each other intamacy.

Yes it is very difficult for a man to accept the physical changes that RT brings but its no more difficult than for a woman who has to undergo an masectomy (in fact I really think its easier for a man than a woman), so we found different ways to be intimate that we never considered previously, this in itself is very intimate and enjoyable, and who know what it will eventually lead to.

My penis is never going to work as it did, but then again my legs dont work as they did, and other parts of my body dont work as they did 20 years ago, but I am still me and still can be intimate with my wife as I always could and morfe importantly i am still alive to enjoy the touch and feel of my wife.

Its about perspective and not just sex.

Edited by member 17 Apr 2017 at 21:50  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 21:27

Not only PCa issues affect erection and/or loss of libido but also drugs for blood pressure and arrhythmia do.

That's why I'm not much concerned about ED after op. OH is 68 and, despite being healthy, he once suffered of arrhythmia and high blood pressure and his heart consultant advice is to keep taking those pills. So, it wouldn't be new to me :(

Regards

Lola

User
Posted 18 Apr 2017 at 09:03
Mike was 70 when diagnosed Dec2016. We have been together 28 yrs and have never had any problems with ed. in fact our sex life actually improved when we retired and had more time for each other.
User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 10:50

A very difficult situation for you and I am afraid you may have to be a bit cruel to make any progress. You may need to spell out very clearly that while you understand that his head is all over the place, retreating and not trying to sort it out simply isn't good enough. All his fears may have crashed in on his head - no erections, unloveable, she is bound to leave me at some point so why rock the boat .... I have been there and got the t-shirt and it took an awful lot of direct talking / some bullying / some threats / an awful lot of patience to get it sorted out.

You might find this helpful if you haven't already read it?
http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t9839-One-wife-s-story-of-ED#post119001

Push him to believe there is a solution if he would only try. Find out (perhaps from asking your own GP first) whether there is an ED nurse or andrology clinic in your area and if there is, tell him that he needs a referral to keep your marriage alive. It may seem harsh but he is perhaps not in a place where he knows what is best for himself.

By the way, Muse does not need to be used regularly to be effective so it might be that he tried it, it failed and he is frightened to try again. Cialis - well that depends on whether he was prescribed the 2.5mg or 5mg dose to take daily or the 20mg dose to take when he feels randy. The low dose needs to be taken regularly, the higher dose does not.

Edited by member 20 Apr 2017 at 00:33  | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 13:56

Hi Lizzie

Hope you both get the help needed. As Lyn, Chris  and many others have posted.  His head is probably all over the place and (only guessing) and he has not come to terms and adapted to changes (which as we know are no fault of his own) .  Reading your post I have no idea, is his depressed ?  Is is having and maintaining an erection ?   (since RP or before ??).   Is he (or you) having orgasms ?  Is there no mutual masturbation ?   There's many ways of skinning a cat as they say.    As Chris posed some questions,  feel free to add more if you feel it is appropriate.   As you know, zero ejaculate post RP and maybe he doesn't understand or is shocked by the changes.

I hope this helps,  you need to talk don't you and enjoy life.

Gordon

 

 

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 22:10

Hi Lizzie,

What about suggesting you need to add daily 'rehab' into your day. You get to be the physio and he gets to be the patient.. no expectation except he allows you to 'help promote blood' flow... ' so oral sex or stroking with no expectations of anything but helping blood flow... a short 'physio' session between husband and wife - intimate, practical and maybe building up to fun!

Just a thought...changing the language around what we are doing has definitely helped us and a bit of role play can lighten the issue maybe.

Good luck
Clare

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 22:16

Might it be helpful to him to talk to someone who's been there, got the T shirt?

It's one problem with several perspectives.

His problem, although he may not see it, but he has it, maybe below the belt and above the collar.

Your problem, as you describe.

The shared problem. Which he may not even realise exists?

Your posts suggest all may not be lost, if he and you can come to terms and discuss things?

When he masturbates does he get erect, a teeny bit, a lot, at all? Any activity may indicate that the tissue is not dead, possibly could be utilised efficiently later on if developed?

Has he exercised his bits regularly since the op? How often and in what way? Not just having a good time, but also just manipulating to encourage circulation? Read parts of my profile to see what can be done to play and manipulate.

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

Show Most Thanked Posts
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 07:14

Hi Lizzie
So sorry to hear of your plight. Yes having the op totally bu***ers a man up mentally and physically , but efforts have to be started almost week 8 after surgery to get erectile function back. Did you have an ED clinic referral ? Did hubby have a nerve sparing op ? Has he used a vacuum device , tried , pills injections creams etc. It's hard to advise unless we have this info. Assuming your sex life was ok before the op it sounds as though hubby could also be very mentally withdrawn as it is damaging to the soul to a man. If you search for a post called Erecting the erection on this site , that is quite an up to date account of men and their struggles. It sounds like you were side-lined after surgery and just need some good steering.

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 08:33

Hello Lizzie.

I am so sorry that you are having these problems at such a young age.

My husband is now 76 and any sex life we have can only be as the result of drugs.

That sounds fine but he bitterly resents the fact that he has to have medical help in that area so a lot of the time he doesn't bother. I am younger than him and have recently felt the need to point that out to him.

I think there is also the fact that the penis changes in shape and length following treatment for a lot of men and perhaps it's the same for your man and he feels diminished by it so would prefer to get his release in private.

Not very helpful for you though is it.

I really hope that others will be along to advise. Chris has a wealth of experience in this area as do a lot of men and women on here so I do expect you to receive other support.

Keep that chin up. You are going to need a lot of patience but I fully understand your view and can feel how close you are to saying "enough is enough".

Our men can be very taciturn and that in itself is so frustrating.


We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 08:37
Hi Chris,

Thank you for your response and I have read your account of your journey and message and it has made me a little more positive.

In answer to your questions the procedure was carried out privately with a follow up with the consultant some weeks after the procedure and then quarterly and bi annually. I have attended all of the follow up appointments and an ED clinic has never been suggested. Yes hubby had nerve sparing with what I recall was 60% of nerves left. Cialis was prescribed along with muse I believe. The problem is you have to use these drugs regularly and unfortunately Hubbie doesn't. We went on a mini honeymoon in December and whilst I had hopes ( but never put my Hubbie under any pressure) there was just no interest in me at all.

We are very affectionate, kind, loving, considerate and supportive to each other .... but there just is a very important part of our relationship missing and it really saddens me. My husband before he met me was a very active bachelor (in his own words) and has waited all his life to meet me but as mentioned previously having a diagnosis so early on into our relationship put things on hold. Hubbie is currently having counselling for his anger/jealousy/ behaviour towards me which I believe are born out of his frustrations. Hubbie has said he is attending counselling because he wants to save his marriage (we have been married now four months).

I will look out the page thread that you have suggested.

Kind regards

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 08:52
Hi Johsan,

Thank you for your response and it is really helpful to get a view from both sexes. Chris has been very helpful indeed.

I really didn't want to appear that this was all about my needs, wants or desires but having come out of a 23year marriage prior to meeting my current hubbie I have never experienced a problem in a relationship as I have now. I am by no means making comparisons because both marriages are completely different and whilst we are lacking in the sexual part of our relationship I have a husband who is incredibly kind, loving and affectionate and I know sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship it's the closeness that I miss when you are having a sexual relationship with the one that you love.

We have spoken so many times about trying pumps, injections ect but Hubbie is never keen and I have now got to the point that I don't suggest anything anymore. As mentioned in my post I'm in my mid 40's, run 8 miles three times a week, do everything I can to make myself as attractive to my husband as possible but he just has no interest in me and gets annoyed when the opposite sex pays me attention (which I will add is not reciprocated. It has as mentioned been 21/2 years since the procedure and for me to post on here is something that j have thought about doing many times but I am finding it ever more difficult.

Kind regards

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 11:06
L

When you look at the conversation CJ suggested look for flacid intercourse, no aids are required and if you can master the technique it is out of this world. There is a 16 year age gap between my OH and me and I dealt with those issues of jealousy mistrust and why is she with me ? many years ago, to be dealing with that and the side effects of prostate cancer must be a challenge to your OH.

Thanks Chris

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 11:34
Absolutely Chris .... it really is difficult for my OH. The difficulty is being able to talk about where we are at and how we can improve things going forward. I'm hoping that with the behaviour counselling that is currently going on perhaps the affect of the PC has had on my other half will be talked about and only then may he feel he wants to approach the subject with me. My reason for posting was to try to get an understanding of other individuals that have been through the same illness as my OH and how they and their partners deal with the issues. I feel that I will feel much more positive about the future and that I have to possibly approach the subject of me posting on here so that my oh can get an honest understanding of how I feel and how we can move forward with some of the suggestions on here.

Kind regards

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 13:06
Hi Lizzie,

It would seem that our cases are similar. My OH is now 60, I'm 48. He had his surgery Dec 2014, nerve sparing on one side only. We had immediate referral to continence and ED clinic- he has suffered both. Sympathetic GP has prescribed daily cialis 5mg- I realise we are lucky on this front.

Our sex life is almost non existent, and I too regret this massively. OH has lost size and girth (he is not one for the pump), and is bothered by this, although I am not at all bothered.

It's like they can't do the intercourse bit (which we understand) so they don't bother with the outercourse either (which I do mind). He does have some reaction these days, although it takes a bit of manipulating, but less I initiate it, a functional couple of kisses and a hug is where we're at.

I have found out only this morning after a furtive grope (my OH has just finished salvage RT) that actually he finds orgasm quite painful. Maybe this is an issue for your husband?

Mine is a farmer. He's more than comfortable talking about sex, as long as it's his animals and not him.

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 13:25

Despite this awful cancer and the effects of treatment , I'd be interested to know just how active normal 60 yr old men are in the bedroom. I'd guess quite a lot weren't that bothered anyway , and I guess many would be suffering with weakened erections or ED caused by other reasons entirely. I'm 50 in June and am fully functioning now. Partly due to luck and the surgeon maybe , but also through a LOT of effort to recover. I'm just sad it's looking likely that I will lose it all again with further treatment.

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 18:58
Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I'd be interested to know just how active normal 60 yr old men are in the bedroom.

CJ

At 62, pre diagnosis, I was as active as I was at forty.

Thanks Chris

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 20:52
I didn't get to find out about a normal 60 year old, but a normal 57 year old was pretty damn hot!
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 21:20

Hi Lizzie70

I am now 5 months post Full RT and after a further 36 Radiotherapy sessions, and am now asking my specialiest about trying to resume my sex life, i am 65 and although never particularly regular in having sex, I still enjoy the intamacy with my wife and she does with me too.

I have been prescirbed some form of Viagra but have as yet not tried it, as I get some bad pains when feeling any sort of erection.

Both my wife and I accept that at lest I am alive and maybe we can have a different type of intamacy rather than the full sex we enjoyed before my operation.

I do find it very frustrting but as we both love each other, we have found alternative ways to enjoy each other intamacy.

Yes it is very difficult for a man to accept the physical changes that RT brings but its no more difficult than for a woman who has to undergo an masectomy (in fact I really think its easier for a man than a woman), so we found different ways to be intimate that we never considered previously, this in itself is very intimate and enjoyable, and who know what it will eventually lead to.

My penis is never going to work as it did, but then again my legs dont work as they did, and other parts of my body dont work as they did 20 years ago, but I am still me and still can be intimate with my wife as I always could and morfe importantly i am still alive to enjoy the touch and feel of my wife.

Its about perspective and not just sex.

Edited by member 17 Apr 2017 at 21:50  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 21:27

Not only PCa issues affect erection and/or loss of libido but also drugs for blood pressure and arrhythmia do.

That's why I'm not much concerned about ED after op. OH is 68 and, despite being healthy, he once suffered of arrhythmia and high blood pressure and his heart consultant advice is to keep taking those pills. So, it wouldn't be new to me :(

Regards

Lola

User
Posted 18 Apr 2017 at 09:03
Mike was 70 when diagnosed Dec2016. We have been together 28 yrs and have never had any problems with ed. in fact our sex life actually improved when we retired and had more time for each other.
User
Posted 18 Apr 2017 at 10:31

Lack of sex os really frustrating. I try to compensate it with a "peaceful love"?

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 10:50

A very difficult situation for you and I am afraid you may have to be a bit cruel to make any progress. You may need to spell out very clearly that while you understand that his head is all over the place, retreating and not trying to sort it out simply isn't good enough. All his fears may have crashed in on his head - no erections, unloveable, she is bound to leave me at some point so why rock the boat .... I have been there and got the t-shirt and it took an awful lot of direct talking / some bullying / some threats / an awful lot of patience to get it sorted out.

You might find this helpful if you haven't already read it?
http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t9839-One-wife-s-story-of-ED#post119001

Push him to believe there is a solution if he would only try. Find out (perhaps from asking your own GP first) whether there is an ED nurse or andrology clinic in your area and if there is, tell him that he needs a referral to keep your marriage alive. It may seem harsh but he is perhaps not in a place where he knows what is best for himself.

By the way, Muse does not need to be used regularly to be effective so it might be that he tried it, it failed and he is frightened to try again. Cialis - well that depends on whether he was prescribed the 2.5mg or 5mg dose to take daily or the 20mg dose to take when he feels randy. The low dose needs to be taken regularly, the higher dose does not.

Edited by member 20 Apr 2017 at 00:33  | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 13:56

Hi Lizzie

Hope you both get the help needed. As Lyn, Chris  and many others have posted.  His head is probably all over the place and (only guessing) and he has not come to terms and adapted to changes (which as we know are no fault of his own) .  Reading your post I have no idea, is his depressed ?  Is is having and maintaining an erection ?   (since RP or before ??).   Is he (or you) having orgasms ?  Is there no mutual masturbation ?   There's many ways of skinning a cat as they say.    As Chris posed some questions,  feel free to add more if you feel it is appropriate.   As you know, zero ejaculate post RP and maybe he doesn't understand or is shocked by the changes.

I hope this helps,  you need to talk don't you and enjoy life.

Gordon

 

 

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 22:10

Hi Lizzie,

What about suggesting you need to add daily 'rehab' into your day. You get to be the physio and he gets to be the patient.. no expectation except he allows you to 'help promote blood' flow... ' so oral sex or stroking with no expectations of anything but helping blood flow... a short 'physio' session between husband and wife - intimate, practical and maybe building up to fun!

Just a thought...changing the language around what we are doing has definitely helped us and a bit of role play can lighten the issue maybe.

Good luck
Clare

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 22:16

Might it be helpful to him to talk to someone who's been there, got the T shirt?

It's one problem with several perspectives.

His problem, although he may not see it, but he has it, maybe below the belt and above the collar.

Your problem, as you describe.

The shared problem. Which he may not even realise exists?

Your posts suggest all may not be lost, if he and you can come to terms and discuss things?

When he masturbates does he get erect, a teeny bit, a lot, at all? Any activity may indicate that the tissue is not dead, possibly could be utilised efficiently later on if developed?

Has he exercised his bits regularly since the op? How often and in what way? Not just having a good time, but also just manipulating to encourage circulation? Read parts of my profile to see what can be done to play and manipulate.

dave

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User
Posted 20 Apr 2017 at 15:45
Hi Chris,,

It is very difficult indeed for all concerned. I am glad to hear that you overcome your jealousy ect. Very difficult times to adjust.

Kind regards

User
Posted 20 Apr 2017 at 17:24
Lizzie

Sometimes we men need a good kick up the backside. Sometimes we need a bit of extra love and affection.

Thanks Chris

User
Posted 31 Aug 2021 at 01:12

Hi Lizzie:

Sorry to hear about your situation. 2.5 years is a really long time. I'm surprised that you decided to get married. I came to this site becoz I just met someone who is quite dashing, & cheerful in his early 60s. We are of similar age & we both are really quite youthful looking, like in our late 40s.  He was quite honest with me from the start about his prostate cancer. He had the entire prostate removed due to his late stage. I had no idea what prostate cancer was at first and only listened. So started reading about it. I also learnt that his wife has left him after 24 years of marriage, They have been separated for more than 4 years bcoz she didn't want to deal with it and she loves sex.. Apparently she is currently in a new relationship, and he's looking for one. For tax purposes, they cannot be divorced until 18 months from today. I must say that he's quite optimistic sexually. He's been telling me that he's not going to let his ED stop him from having sex and is looking at various options. While I admire his optimism, I also began reading about those options more.The more I read, the scarier I became despite his optimism. I've had Stage 2A breast cancer myself 6 years ago. I am an optimistic person myself. Luckily, I came through very well becoz I chose most of the treatments myself, rejecting the ones recommended by my Oncologists who were, in hingsight, quite co-operative. Sex is a major part of any relationship.  Therefore, after reading your situation, I feel your spouse is being exceedingly selfish in not addressing the issue. And you have been exceeding patient. Please do not sacrifice yourself for any longer than you should. I think you should give him an ultimatum and not live in his pretend world and bury his head in the sand. You have every right to be resentful of him. I suggest you get him to address it and give him an ultimatum. He cannot expect you to live your life as hermit. If he chooses to be one, then leave him. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done your best over 30 months already.  You are young and ought to have a fulfilling life.  Until now, I didn't realize that prostate cancer can be far more devastating impact on many aspects of any relationship. Which is why I'm here to read up on everybody's experiences, advice, etc.

Even though I've been divorced 24 years ago. I have been very careful about the man I choose. I'd rather be single than live miserably. While this gentleman I met is quite optimistic, cheerful and sweet at all times during our conversations over the past 10 days (yes, it's been slightly over a week we've known each other). we have not commit to each other. As of now, I want to continue to be his friend. I've been honest with him too - that unless he is divorced, to not expect me to have any intimate relationship with him. Plus we have a different location preference as to where we want  to live (Europe for him) and for me,  (west coast, USA). Although he is willing to consider living some months in FL (east coast USA). My intuition is telling me to just be his supportive friend for now, and not the gf he is looking for, despite telling me many times he wants to make love to me. See, it's a matter of post-cancer attitude on the man's part. Though it'd be wonderful to have a man in my life again, I"m not in any rush. In fact, if I dont find someone with whom I want to share a meaningful life, then I'd rather be single.  I'm unafraid of death bcoz I do think about how I would feel being alone. I realized we all have to face the consequences of our decisions, preferably bravely. So I think I am a brave person.

Please think about your future. Do not let a man's negative attitude drag your life down the misery path. Take care, and I wish you a very good, happy & most importantly, a fulfilling life.

Edited by member 31 Aug 2021 at 03:26  | Reason: typo correction

User
Posted 31 Aug 2021 at 01:39

P.S. I just realized that your 2.5 years was back in 2017. This would make it at least 6.5 years today? Has your situation changed? I truly hope it did., and  that you both are happier now. If it did not, then my advise is still: Go live your life with someone else.  Take care. Be happy.

Edited by member 31 Aug 2021 at 16:33  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 31 Aug 2021 at 12:56
You have no idea what you are talking about - perhaps get some real experience of living with prostate cancer before you start dishing out crap advice?
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 31 Aug 2021 at 16:17

Hello again Lyn:

Unlike you, it is true I have zero experience living with a prostrate cancer person. & every cancer person's situation is different. You have been very kind to share yours. Bravo to your generosity. However, I believe avoidance of discussion serves no purpose in life. One party will always be more hurt by the other party choosing to ignore the problem/issue. When two people truly loves each other, they are supposed to try to talk through things and work it out. It is totally unfair and selfish of anyone to keep their love ones hanging, wondering and suffering for a long period of time, wouldn't you say?  As I've mentioned in another thread, i was a cancer patient myself. I could have chosen to be in denial and did nothing proactive. What would it have served me or my family? Please tell, me, why would I put them through unncessary pain and suffering on my account?  Should i forced my family members to pause their life for me by not facing reality?

Edited by member 31 Aug 2021 at 16:30  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 01 Jun 2022 at 11:37

Hi Lizzie70,

I'm no therapist at all, so take this only for what it's worth.  I have been on the other side of your issue, and it was longer than 2 1/2 years.  I wanted to enjoy my partner and have her enjoy me, but I got caught up in the crisis of not only my sexual performance, but my identity as a male.  We turned into a "just friends" couple although we very much love each other.  We did repair our relationship with some brave and uncomfortable conversations.  (my initial post in 'The Rules can Change' gives a better understanding of what the male side has to work through)  Although your husband is going through really tough physical sexual issues, this seems to be more an mental / emotional issue.  It's possible fixing the physical won't fix the open communication.  If you haven't, counseling could be a great idea. 

All the best.

User
Posted 01 Jun 2022 at 16:53

Albertacam, Lizzie hasn't been on the site for five years, so I suspect she won't see your advice. 

Best wishes,

Chris

 

User
Posted 28 Dec 2022 at 10:11

Cheap Cialis without a prescription - https://healthful-online.com/c2831/cialis.html I am in my early 50's and suffered with erectile dysfunction and benign prostatic hyperplasia the last few years. I love Cialis. After ONE WEEK, I was urinating normal, and not waking in the middle of the night to go! After two weeks I was getting erections like a teen again, middle of the night, mornings and when I wanted sex. I couldn't be happier, no more pain, more sex and a happier wife.

Edited by member 30 Jul 2023 at 05:18  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 29 Dec 2022 at 00:34

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

During recovery, medications like Viagra and Cialis will help. Viagra does work after prostate removal as much as Cialis does and can restore impotence. This medication also contributes to a more pleasurable sex life.

Sadly this is not true for everyone, zhanleeette - viagra / levitra / cialis only work for about 60% of men following RP.

Viagra does not have the same rehabilitative effect as cialis. 

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 19 Jan 2023 at 05:52

Hi Lizzie,

I completely understand your situation and that of your husband. Without leaving a lengthy reply have either of you considered a strap on dildo. The thought of it might not appeal but if you google them you will find some very lifelike models that are as realistic as these things can be.

It would allow you husband to get back his Mojo, allowing him to regain the natural thrusting that makes intercourse so enjoyable...i am also pretty sure you will both enjoy it and although your husband cannot ejaculate the strength of orgasm from using a strap on is intense.

I hope this helps you both

 
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