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Two and a half years after robotic procedure we do not have a sex life

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 01:22
I have been in my relationship for three years. Within a few months of meeting my now husband he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Because the news came as such a shock to both him and I and so early on in our relationship we hadn't experienced a regular sex life. Once my husband was diagnosed there were many appointments, scans ect to attend that the last thing on both our minds at that time was our sex life or having sex. He had a robotic procedure to remove the prostate with nerve sparing. His consultant advised that within 12-18months our sex live with the help of medication would be pretty much normal. Unfortunately 2 and 1/2 years after the procedure this has not happened. I am in my mid 40's, fit and active and my husband is in his early 60's again fit and active. He prefers to masturbate alone rather than having any sexual intimacy with me and whilst masturbation is a normal part of life and would normally be part of a healthy relationship ....this is not the case with us. We married at the end of last year and to date have still not consummated our marriage. I am really at a loss and whilst I have discussed my frustrations with him ... It has now become a difficult subject to talk about and I have of late started to feel resentful towards him.... which I really don't want to feel. I just wondered if there was any one that I could talk to about this. I have been fully supportive of my husband throughout this journey but I really do feel that unless something changes I can't imagine spending the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 07:14

Hi Lizzie
So sorry to hear of your plight. Yes having the op totally bu***ers a man up mentally and physically , but efforts have to be started almost week 8 after surgery to get erectile function back. Did you have an ED clinic referral ? Did hubby have a nerve sparing op ? Has he used a vacuum device , tried , pills injections creams etc. It's hard to advise unless we have this info. Assuming your sex life was ok before the op it sounds as though hubby could also be very mentally withdrawn as it is damaging to the soul to a man. If you search for a post called Erecting the erection on this site , that is quite an up to date account of men and their struggles. It sounds like you were side-lined after surgery and just need some good steering.

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User
Posted 18 Apr 2017 at 10:31

Lack of sex os really frustrating. I try to compensate it with a "peaceful love"?

User
Posted 20 Apr 2017 at 17:24
Lizzie

Sometimes we men need a good kick up the backside. Sometimes we need a bit of extra love and affection.

Thanks Chris

Show Most Thanked Posts
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 07:14

Hi Lizzie
So sorry to hear of your plight. Yes having the op totally bu***ers a man up mentally and physically , but efforts have to be started almost week 8 after surgery to get erectile function back. Did you have an ED clinic referral ? Did hubby have a nerve sparing op ? Has he used a vacuum device , tried , pills injections creams etc. It's hard to advise unless we have this info. Assuming your sex life was ok before the op it sounds as though hubby could also be very mentally withdrawn as it is damaging to the soul to a man. If you search for a post called Erecting the erection on this site , that is quite an up to date account of men and their struggles. It sounds like you were side-lined after surgery and just need some good steering.

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 08:33

Hello Lizzie.

I am so sorry that you are having these problems at such a young age.

My husband is now 76 and any sex life we have can only be as the result of drugs.

That sounds fine but he bitterly resents the fact that he has to have medical help in that area so a lot of the time he doesn't bother. I am younger than him and have recently felt the need to point that out to him.

I think there is also the fact that the penis changes in shape and length following treatment for a lot of men and perhaps it's the same for your man and he feels diminished by it so would prefer to get his release in private.

Not very helpful for you though is it.

I really hope that others will be along to advise. Chris has a wealth of experience in this area as do a lot of men and women on here so I do expect you to receive other support.

Keep that chin up. You are going to need a lot of patience but I fully understand your view and can feel how close you are to saying "enough is enough".

Our men can be very taciturn and that in itself is so frustrating.


We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 08:37
Hi Chris,

Thank you for your response and I have read your account of your journey and message and it has made me a little more positive.

In answer to your questions the procedure was carried out privately with a follow up with the consultant some weeks after the procedure and then quarterly and bi annually. I have attended all of the follow up appointments and an ED clinic has never been suggested. Yes hubby had nerve sparing with what I recall was 60% of nerves left. Cialis was prescribed along with muse I believe. The problem is you have to use these drugs regularly and unfortunately Hubbie doesn't. We went on a mini honeymoon in December and whilst I had hopes ( but never put my Hubbie under any pressure) there was just no interest in me at all.

We are very affectionate, kind, loving, considerate and supportive to each other .... but there just is a very important part of our relationship missing and it really saddens me. My husband before he met me was a very active bachelor (in his own words) and has waited all his life to meet me but as mentioned previously having a diagnosis so early on into our relationship put things on hold. Hubbie is currently having counselling for his anger/jealousy/ behaviour towards me which I believe are born out of his frustrations. Hubbie has said he is attending counselling because he wants to save his marriage (we have been married now four months).

I will look out the page thread that you have suggested.

Kind regards

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 08:52
Hi Johsan,

Thank you for your response and it is really helpful to get a view from both sexes. Chris has been very helpful indeed.

I really didn't want to appear that this was all about my needs, wants or desires but having come out of a 23year marriage prior to meeting my current hubbie I have never experienced a problem in a relationship as I have now. I am by no means making comparisons because both marriages are completely different and whilst we are lacking in the sexual part of our relationship I have a husband who is incredibly kind, loving and affectionate and I know sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship it's the closeness that I miss when you are having a sexual relationship with the one that you love.

We have spoken so many times about trying pumps, injections ect but Hubbie is never keen and I have now got to the point that I don't suggest anything anymore. As mentioned in my post I'm in my mid 40's, run 8 miles three times a week, do everything I can to make myself as attractive to my husband as possible but he just has no interest in me and gets annoyed when the opposite sex pays me attention (which I will add is not reciprocated. It has as mentioned been 21/2 years since the procedure and for me to post on here is something that j have thought about doing many times but I am finding it ever more difficult.

Kind regards

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 11:06
L

When you look at the conversation CJ suggested look for flacid intercourse, no aids are required and if you can master the technique it is out of this world. There is a 16 year age gap between my OH and me and I dealt with those issues of jealousy mistrust and why is she with me ? many years ago, to be dealing with that and the side effects of prostate cancer must be a challenge to your OH.

Thanks Chris

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 11:34
Absolutely Chris .... it really is difficult for my OH. The difficulty is being able to talk about where we are at and how we can improve things going forward. I'm hoping that with the behaviour counselling that is currently going on perhaps the affect of the PC has had on my other half will be talked about and only then may he feel he wants to approach the subject with me. My reason for posting was to try to get an understanding of other individuals that have been through the same illness as my OH and how they and their partners deal with the issues. I feel that I will feel much more positive about the future and that I have to possibly approach the subject of me posting on here so that my oh can get an honest understanding of how I feel and how we can move forward with some of the suggestions on here.

Kind regards

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 13:06
Hi Lizzie,

It would seem that our cases are similar. My OH is now 60, I'm 48. He had his surgery Dec 2014, nerve sparing on one side only. We had immediate referral to continence and ED clinic- he has suffered both. Sympathetic GP has prescribed daily cialis 5mg- I realise we are lucky on this front.

Our sex life is almost non existent, and I too regret this massively. OH has lost size and girth (he is not one for the pump), and is bothered by this, although I am not at all bothered.

It's like they can't do the intercourse bit (which we understand) so they don't bother with the outercourse either (which I do mind). He does have some reaction these days, although it takes a bit of manipulating, but less I initiate it, a functional couple of kisses and a hug is where we're at.

I have found out only this morning after a furtive grope (my OH has just finished salvage RT) that actually he finds orgasm quite painful. Maybe this is an issue for your husband?

Mine is a farmer. He's more than comfortable talking about sex, as long as it's his animals and not him.

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 13:25

Despite this awful cancer and the effects of treatment , I'd be interested to know just how active normal 60 yr old men are in the bedroom. I'd guess quite a lot weren't that bothered anyway , and I guess many would be suffering with weakened erections or ED caused by other reasons entirely. I'm 50 in June and am fully functioning now. Partly due to luck and the surgeon maybe , but also through a LOT of effort to recover. I'm just sad it's looking likely that I will lose it all again with further treatment.

If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 18:58
Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I'd be interested to know just how active normal 60 yr old men are in the bedroom.

CJ

At 62, pre diagnosis, I was as active as I was at forty.

Thanks Chris

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 20:52
I didn't get to find out about a normal 60 year old, but a normal 57 year old was pretty damn hot!
User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 21:20

Hi Lizzie70

I am now 5 months post Full RT and after a further 36 Radiotherapy sessions, and am now asking my specialiest about trying to resume my sex life, i am 65 and although never particularly regular in having sex, I still enjoy the intamacy with my wife and she does with me too.

I have been prescirbed some form of Viagra but have as yet not tried it, as I get some bad pains when feeling any sort of erection.

Both my wife and I accept that at lest I am alive and maybe we can have a different type of intamacy rather than the full sex we enjoyed before my operation.

I do find it very frustrting but as we both love each other, we have found alternative ways to enjoy each other intamacy.

Yes it is very difficult for a man to accept the physical changes that RT brings but its no more difficult than for a woman who has to undergo an masectomy (in fact I really think its easier for a man than a woman), so we found different ways to be intimate that we never considered previously, this in itself is very intimate and enjoyable, and who know what it will eventually lead to.

My penis is never going to work as it did, but then again my legs dont work as they did, and other parts of my body dont work as they did 20 years ago, but I am still me and still can be intimate with my wife as I always could and morfe importantly i am still alive to enjoy the touch and feel of my wife.

Its about perspective and not just sex.

Edited by member 17 Apr 2017 at 21:50  | Reason: Not specified

User
Posted 17 Apr 2017 at 21:27

Not only PCa issues affect erection and/or loss of libido but also drugs for blood pressure and arrhythmia do.

That's why I'm not much concerned about ED after op. OH is 68 and, despite being healthy, he once suffered of arrhythmia and high blood pressure and his heart consultant advice is to keep taking those pills. So, it wouldn't be new to me :(

Regards

Lola

User
Posted 18 Apr 2017 at 09:03
Mike was 70 when diagnosed Dec2016. We have been together 28 yrs and have never had any problems with ed. in fact our sex life actually improved when we retired and had more time for each other.
User
Posted 18 Apr 2017 at 10:31

Lack of sex os really frustrating. I try to compensate it with a "peaceful love"?

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 10:50

A very difficult situation for you and I am afraid you may have to be a bit cruel to make any progress. You may need to spell out very clearly that while you understand that his head is all over the place, retreating and not trying to sort it out simply isn't good enough. All his fears may have crashed in on his head - no erections, unloveable, she is bound to leave me at some point so why rock the boat .... I have been there and got the t-shirt and it took an awful lot of direct talking / some bullying / some threats / an awful lot of patience to get it sorted out.

You might find this helpful if you haven't already read it?
http://community.prostatecanceruk.org/posts/t9839-One-wife-s-story-of-ED#post119001

Push him to believe there is a solution if he would only try. Find out (perhaps from asking your own GP first) whether there is an ED nurse or andrology clinic in your area and if there is, tell him that he needs a referral to keep your marriage alive. It may seem harsh but he is perhaps not in a place where he knows what is best for himself.

By the way, Muse does not need to be used regularly to be effective so it might be that he tried it, it failed and he is frightened to try again. Cialis - well that depends on whether he was prescribed the 2.5mg or 5mg dose to take daily or the 20mg dose to take when he feels randy. The low dose needs to be taken regularly, the higher dose does not.

Edited by member 20 Apr 2017 at 00:33  | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 13:56

Hi Lizzie

Hope you both get the help needed. As Lyn, Chris  and many others have posted.  His head is probably all over the place and (only guessing) and he has not come to terms and adapted to changes (which as we know are no fault of his own) .  Reading your post I have no idea, is his depressed ?  Is is having and maintaining an erection ?   (since RP or before ??).   Is he (or you) having orgasms ?  Is there no mutual masturbation ?   There's many ways of skinning a cat as they say.    As Chris posed some questions,  feel free to add more if you feel it is appropriate.   As you know, zero ejaculate post RP and maybe he doesn't understand or is shocked by the changes.

I hope this helps,  you need to talk don't you and enjoy life.

Gordon

 

 

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 22:10

Hi Lizzie,

What about suggesting you need to add daily 'rehab' into your day. You get to be the physio and he gets to be the patient.. no expectation except he allows you to 'help promote blood' flow... ' so oral sex or stroking with no expectations of anything but helping blood flow... a short 'physio' session between husband and wife - intimate, practical and maybe building up to fun!

Just a thought...changing the language around what we are doing has definitely helped us and a bit of role play can lighten the issue maybe.

Good luck
Clare

User
Posted 19 Apr 2017 at 22:16

Might it be helpful to him to talk to someone who's been there, got the T shirt?

It's one problem with several perspectives.

His problem, although he may not see it, but he has it, maybe below the belt and above the collar.

Your problem, as you describe.

The shared problem. Which he may not even realise exists?

Your posts suggest all may not be lost, if he and you can come to terms and discuss things?

When he masturbates does he get erect, a teeny bit, a lot, at all? Any activity may indicate that the tissue is not dead, possibly could be utilised efficiently later on if developed?

Has he exercised his bits regularly since the op? How often and in what way? Not just having a good time, but also just manipulating to encourage circulation? Read parts of my profile to see what can be done to play and manipulate.

dave

Do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)
User
Posted 20 Apr 2017 at 15:45
Hi Chris,,

It is very difficult indeed for all concerned. I am glad to hear that you overcome your jealousy ect. Very difficult times to adjust.

Kind regards

User
Posted 20 Apr 2017 at 17:24
Lizzie

Sometimes we men need a good kick up the backside. Sometimes we need a bit of extra love and affection.

Thanks Chris

 
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