Run out of plans...

Dear Ruth,

I am so sorry to read of your loss of your dear Tony. I can imagine how you are feeling now - it is now over seven years since I lost my husband, Mike, in similar circumstances.

The fried egg theory is a good one, I have always heard it referred to as 'balls in a jar' but it is similar. Initially the theory goes the grief is all-consuming but as you start to change your life the ball of grief reduces as other balls enter the jar.

As you say we are all different but if the fried egg theory has resonated with you you may take a similar route to me. I can say for me over time the grief has softened and little pockets of happiness started to creep in. Initially life had no purpose at all and I felt completely lost, but I hope it helps you to know that I am now almost always happy. I think of Mike often, he is really still, and always will be, a part of my life. But my memories have become comfortable and comforting. You may think this is impossible for you now, and it does take time, and as long as it takes, there is no timescale. But the overwhelming feelings you have now will reduce.

Initially there is so much to do, but slowly when I was ready I found I took up new interests and met new people. I also took up volunteering, which put some purpose back into life. It was really one foot in front of the other and several steps backwards to begin, but I am now fortunate to be living a good happy life, with Mike tucked away quietly in my heart forever.

I hope my story helps just a little to give you hope. Now your mind and body must be exhausted and you need to take care of you as you start to heal. Please take any offers of help, people like to help but don't always know what to do, and just little bits of practical help can help you so much.

I wish I could make it easier for you, but as I was told at a similar time, it is a tunnel we go through and eventually we reach the light at the other end.

Take care, Janet, x

My heart is weeping for you - you will get through it, of course - everyone does - but my wish for you is that Tony's pain is managed as much as possible so that he can end his days quietly and peacefully with the woman he loves right beside him holding him safe. I once wrote on here about the difference between being torn away from this world and being gently lifted from it on a cloud of love and care; you have so much love to give him still x

You have a heart the size of a football stadium Julie, and enough empathy to fill several olympic-sized swimming pools. Plus a ton of wisdom. Thank you for all of those things...

I've been reading a pile of stuff about grief, and have just ordered another load of memoirs of people who have been through it and are still standing. I have this notion that if I can just find the right words, something that accurately expresses how this grief feels, it will somehow be easier to live with it, to let it be. I'm so used to being able to explain things, to communicate how I'm feeling, that my current incoherence feels like choking. Battered with emotion but no words to pin it down / hold it steady while I brace myself for the next onslaught.

Part of me suspects that I'm just p*ssing in the wind however! Seems unlikely that a couple of well-written, well-observed sentences will stop the storm. But here's a starter for 10 from Jamie Anderson...

"Grief, I’ve learned, is really love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot give. The more you loved someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in that part of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent. Grief is just love with no place to go.

It’s taken me seven years to realize that my grief is my way of telling the great vastness that the love I have still resides here with me. It won’t stop. That’s how love goes."

Hugs and strength to you and to all of us.

Ruth/Eleanor

x

When you come here Eleanor it should be a time for taking, all your giving is now for Tony.

Thank you so much Janet - it's a huge help to know that pockets of happiness will eventually start to return to my life.

I'm in that 'what's the point of anything' state of physical and emotional exhaustion right now but I know that I have an amazing pool of people and possibilities in my life that will sooner or later give me back a sense of purpose and meaning. No way of hurrying things up though. It's hard to just sit still and allow the grief to be whatever it needs/wants to be, particularly when it's all so painful. But that's the only option I guess.

Thanks for shining a light.

Love

Ruth / Eleanor

x

I can't describe how I feel for you , and certainly can't top Lyns words. But I do remember Lyn saying to keep talking even when you think your partner can't hear. Because they can and will take comfort from your voice.

Oh Eleanor (you'll always be Eleanor to me),

I don't often cry but my eyes are wet. The loving support that all of you who are our partners give us the courage to persist and endure.

David (my real name, a good Welsh name, although I haven't got an ounce of boyo in me, but I do love you Taffs, particularly Max Boyce)

Eleanor, I don't post much at all now but have continued to follow your posts. I am so sorry to hear you have come to this point. As you say it is going to be so hard but there will still be memories to be made. Grab them when they happen and try to ignore all the unimportant  stuff. You have been so strong and you will get through this. I sadly know how hard it is. I'm glad you now have the support of the family. Make sure you use that support and take good care of yourself. Big hugs

Rosy xx

Hi Ruth

Very best wishes to you and Tony.

Gordon

Hi Ruth,

I have read your story and found your writing uplifting, warm and humorous. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling but I am so sorry to read this news.

Regards

Clare

My god so sorry to hear this sad news--I've only been a member of this forum since March but your kind words re my situation have been really helpful. Can't believe how you can still share your concerns for others at what must be a very traumatic time for you. All I can do is send my love to you and Tony and hope you manage this situation as best you can.
Thinking of you both xx

Oh Eleanor-Ruth, my heart goes out to you! I have trod this path ahead of you, as you know, but everyone has to do it for themselves and in their own way. You will find the way that is best for you. So glad you have told the family and are finding support there.

I am just about to go away for a few days and will probably be out of internet access, but will be thinking of you and getting in touch later on.

Marje

Nice one sallyyy.

Thanks Sally and all...really do appreciate all your thoughts and good wishes. Have been popping in occasionally to catch up on how people are doing but have been a bit too overwhelmed to contribute much. Hope to do so again soon - the forum remains a special and helpful place for me. And you are a special and helpful set of people!

The terminal prognosis has been a lot to get our heads around (odd since we knew that this was the destination we were heading for) and we are only just maybe/maybe not/tentatively sticking our heads out of the hamster hole and realising that it isn't actually over yet. We are getting superbly intelligent, compassionate and thoughtful support from the palliative care team. And Tony continues to be extraordinary.

E

xxx

Thank you Mona, and Lyn.

Didn't want to post the news at the time. So many good people on this site fighting hard to stay positive in spite of all the horrors that this disease throws at them, I though I'd wait until I had a bit of perspective (probably several decades at this rate) rather than unleashing a flood of misery on all you kind souls. A couple of people guessed and have sent me messages so I haven't felt forgotten. And it's been good to read some of the recent updates from Julie, Paul and David, and others who have been so supportive of me.

The loss of my dear soulmate is as absolutely awful and painful as I thought it might be. No help for it I suppose. But at least Tony died at home and wasn't in pain, two aspects that will eventually be a huge comfort.

And I've learned some things that might be useful to others at some point - about palliative sedation, Dignitas and Exit, and about D-I-Y funerals. I'm currently learning, to my cost, about how not to do a probate application. And about the fried egg theory of grief: https://www.funeralzone.co.uk/help-resources/bereavement-support/the-grieving-process/tonkins-model-of-grief which seems to sum up my current state of despair but also to offer some future hope.

Would have been nicer to have been able to remain in ignorance but none of us have been given that choice sadly.

Love

Ruth / Eleanor

xxx

So sorry Eleanor for your loss , but always comforting to hear that there can be a calm and painless exit when the time comes , so thank you for sharing with us as ever.
The fried egg theory was a good read. I hope truly your white will spread in good time , and that the yolk won't seem such an ocean xxx

Thinking of you at this sad time
Best wishes
Debby

So sorry to hear this and thinking of you. I want to thank you for sharing your journey on here.

Such sad news, my sincere condolences.

So very sorry to hear of your loss. Please accept my sincerest condolences.

Regards

Clare