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Loss of sex life

User
Posted 10 May 2017 at 10:42
My husband had the robotic procedure five years ago. He has to take hormone tablets which has meant he has lost all his body hair and suffers from night sweats. He has not had any success in achieving an ercetion despite ciallis. He is 61 and I am 51. We have been together for 27 years and enjoyed a fabulous sex life, both being very passionate. I am in such a dilemma as he has no libido, which I believe is a side affect of the hormones, and if we ever do have sexual contact, I feel that he is making himself for my sake and now we just don't bother. I just don't know what to do. I think I will see our doctor and see if he can give me information. I don't even know if any nerves were left after the op. I love him so much and it is breaking my heart, I don't want an affair, which was one thing I considered, but I need some hope. I would really. Love to hear from others in my situation, I don't have anyone to talk to who really knows what it is like.
User
Posted 10 May 2017 at 12:13
Dear Annabee. Just replying to say hang in there. I can't advise you as I'm only a year out with my man....I'm 49....similar story but not losing hope. I still love him to bits and we are great soul mates...got to focus on that for now. An affair definitely not the answer. I hope you get hopeful advice ....it's not an easy time. Even worse for the guys I'd say. Try to focus on the positives. xx
User
Posted 10 May 2017 at 12:54

Hi Annabee, the cialis won't work because the hormones have suppressed his libido. There isn't any treatment for loss of libido, I'm afraid.

Is he on hormones forever or was it for a planned amount of time?

There was a member on here who described what loss of libido feels like and it was one of the most moving things I have ever read. He said that he looked at his wife and she might as well be a lump of concrete, his brain engaged in a caring way but he had no feelings at all. When J was on HT I found very similar to you - he did try a few times to be interested but it was obvious that he was 'acting' like he was enjoying having sex rather than actually enjoying having sex. In the end I bought a vibrator which we used together.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but prostate cancer is called the couples disease for good reason.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
User
Posted 10 May 2017 at 13:27
Hi

Thank you for the quick replies.

My husband has brca gene so very high risk of more cancer, he still has a small amount somewhere so the hormone drug is used to starve it. He has a pump but only half heartedly tried it. I have said he needs to get help with it but I think he just isn't interested as he has no sexual feelings any more. I really am struggling, but I feel so selfish. I am so grateful he is still here, without the op he would have not have survived as he had very aggressive cancer. ( only picked up when his doctor gave him a blood test after finding he had the brca gene).

I do feel we have been abandoned, no advice really regarding his impotence. I'm not sure he really pushes the issue though because of his loss of libido. He is the love of my life and we have a great relationship but I miss the intimacy and feeling desired.

It's very comforting to have found this forum, it is going to help to talk to other people in my position, I'm not the only one!

Thank you
X

User
Posted 10 May 2017 at 21:02

So sorry to hear this. It seems there is no end to the damage this cancer causes. Even when men are cured it can affect them forever mentally and physically. And as Lyn says it affects the partner awfully also. For what it's worth I had the op 2 yrs ago and have just virtually fully recovered my erectile function , only to find I now need radiotherapy or chemo or hormones and will likely lose that function for a second time which distressed me. I have had hormone therapy but not the injectable type and can't imagine looking at my wife and not feeling a thing at all. It frightens me tbh.
I know a man needs testosterone for many things including an erection , but why does a woman have libido without it yet a man can't ? Complicated stuff


If life gives you lemons , then make lemonade
User
Posted 10 May 2017 at 21:12

Hi Anna


I had Rt and Ht back in oct 2011


We have not had sex since I went on to HT my poor wife is only 55 she was 49 when all this happened


Sex is the old elephant in the room


When she goes on girlie hols, I always tell her to have a good time , if she wanted to leave me I would let her go with a good heart


I have no desire at all, a naked woman walking down the street may as well be a bag of cement


It is really bad for the man and I am sure most men feel like I do your husband included


I hope this is of help , this cancer is a curse sometimes I look forward to the end as life is S@@T

User
Posted 11 May 2017 at 02:04

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member
Hi

He has a pump but only half heartedly tried it. I have said he needs to get help with it but I think he just isn't interested as he has no sexual feelings any more. I really am struggling, but I feel so selfish. .......

I do feel we have been abandoned, no advice really regarding his impotence. I'm not sure he really pushes the issue though because of his loss of libido. He is the love of my life and we have a great relationship but I miss the intimacy and feeling desired.


 


I think it is important to understand the difference between impotence and loss of libido. He may not be impotent at all, but with no libido he isn't likely to get an erection and even if he does, he isn't going to know how to use it because that bit of his brain has been switched off. There isn't anything he can do about that, and there isn't any treatment for it so although I can understand your sadness and frustration I can also see that there isn't anything they can offer.


 


In my experience of talking to lots of wives over the years, it seems to me that it is easier to bear once you accept that this is how life is going to be, and that it is not a choice. I was very lucky that we were referred to a brilliant ED nurse who gave me a safe place to talk about how I felt - perhaps there is something similar in your area? Relate may be another possibility (although I think you have to pay for that now). 

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard
 
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