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Guy I met has prostate cancer

Posted 30 Sep 2017 at 08:28
Hi guys, I met a guy 4 weeks ago, he is 46. He is really nice, we are getting to know each other. He told me on Tuesday this week he was diagnosed with prostate cancer the day before. He told me he has had a MRI scan & a biopsy, he told me he went to his gp a few days after we met for a prostate check, he had no symptoms. I think he said he will be having a bone scan next week. He will be having robotic surgery the week after. He is being positive & he said he will be fighting all the way. I thanked him for telling me & being so open about his diagnosis. I told him if he needs anything I will be there for him. I Feel quite emotional about this, I lost my mum to cancer a while ago. I have told him if he needs a chat and support I will be there for him. I think as we have not known each other long I am not sure what is the right or wrong thing to do. Should I offer to visit him when he has surgery? Is that too much? Should I wait for him to ask? I guess I would like advice on how to be with him. I mean don’t really know him.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.



Posted 30 Sep 2017 at 10:17

He seems an open guy so could well want to chat. What's right is what your heart says.



Edited by member 30 Sep 2017 at 10:19  | Reason: Not specified

Posted 30 Sep 2017 at 11:04

Hello Grace
It was good of him to tell you this early in a relationship.

As Ray says, it would be best to discuss it with him but make sure he knows you are fine with it either way.

If you really like him (and he you) then it will work out, whether or not it goes on to become a "proper" relationship. You will at least be his friend while he get sthrough this.

Some men sail through treatment, for others it's a rockier path.

He won't know yet how he will feel. It's bad enough getting your head round the fact that you have cancer, without having to worry whether there will be long term side effects and I'm sure all these things are running through his mind.

IF you go to Publications on this site you can download leaflets on surgery as well as some on emotions.

He is positive and that's a very good thing and will help him cope.

The fact that he has told you makes me feel that he would like to continue to discuss the surgery and it's after effects.

Be as honest with him about your own feelings as you can.. It is hard for people who have been in long term partnerships sometimes, to communicate how you feel and as possible side effects take hold it might be harder still if you don't have that joint history. You don't know him (or he you) so please talk to each other if you would like this to go further in the future.

Be there, don't swamp him, but let him know you care enough at this stage to let the relationship unfold however it will.

It might be a good idea if he joined the site because he can then ask his own questions.

I would be curious about his PSA results and the scan/biopsy results. He's opted for robotic surgery so presumably the cancer is contained. I just wonder whether he would have been a good candidate for Active Surveillance where monitoring is he order of the day rather than drastic action straight off like surgery.

Have you mentioned to him by the way that you have been on this site?

Good luck to both of you


We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
Posted 30 Sep 2017 at 21:24

You instinct tells you what he needs, he's lucky that you came into his life at this difficult time.

Posted 01 Oct 2017 at 11:26

HI Grace,

I met my current partner a few months before I was dx. On dx was decided to split as she had two young girls and I didn't want to be a burden on them. About 6 weeks later we met up again and had a long week discussing thing and future. We then got back together again and we have had a fantasic last 2 1/2 years. Iam still going stronger and our relationship is strong although, with any relationship it has its moments!
If he's having surgery then he's not as far up the line as me. It does take it time to get your head round things but we found that talking about it, options, future, etc really helped. Its a decision both of you have to make with your eye's wide open. Unfortunately as you have had dealing with cancer before, it may help.

good luck


Posted 01 Oct 2017 at 17:31

He seems like a good guy - it must have been hard for him to tell you something so personal and he is probably worried that you will run off in the opposite direction. It is hard for some long-time couples to come to terms with the side effects, especially the loss of a normal sex life, let alone a relationship that hasn't really got going yet. Having said that, a dear friend of mine met his new partner very soon after his surgery and they learnt together how to overcome any difficulties.

As for visiting him in hospital, ask whether he would like you to. Do you feel you know him well enough to see him with a catheter and a urine bag? Some people aren't bothered about things like that ... when I needed one I didn't even let family visit me!

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

Posted 02 Oct 2017 at 18:52

Hi Grace

Just ask him,  the timescale is exceedingly fast track on this, from what you have posted. 

As you may already be aware, he may only be in one night.  (see my profile).   Again depends his own personal circumstances, re who is visiting him and picking him up etc etc. I was out and about very quickly, however still awkward bending, getting in/out of our car for a couple of weeks.  Basically plenty of ways to help...   

Again I was lucky and pad free immediately.



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