Loss of libido dreadful

One of the things this thread highlights is the huge range of responses to treatment and the disease and how difficult it can be to point a way forward. In our case my OH has had issues with vaginal soreness and discomfort for several years now. What has happened, almost by accident, is that we don't do penetrative sex much at all these days. I sometimes think it's important to stress that there are other ways of sharing physical intimacy and getting a lot of sexual satisfaction short of penetration. In my own case I get erections (I had External Beam Radiotherapy for localised Pca) but ejaculation is derisory - sometime a little dribble, sometimes nothing but I still get orgasms.

We have sex in the non penetrative sense at least once a week and it is very enjoyable. I guess this is just a way of saying that there are several ways forward and we might need to think outside the box (dreadful phrase!) a bit.

Really hope you find a way forward - some excellent advice already given.

Hello all, I am so grateful to have a chance to share with people who understand, thank you for all the posts which have brought me such a sense of solidarity. I am looking for some sage advice please. My husband (we're in our late forties early fifties) had his prostrate removed by robotic procedure 4 months ago. He had a pretty quick recovery, no incontinence at all and a reassuring path report confirming the cancer was 3+3 grade, is now all gone and both nerves are left intact. PSA now not measurable. No radiation or hormone therapy required. We were so grateful for this outcome, the best we could have hoped for.

He is a good man, a great provider and super father to our daughters. He tells me he loves me. As far as sex is concerned, to be honest we have struggled for 5+ years before the cancer diagnosis with me feeling undesirable as his libido has been falling from a previously good level to a ‘not that bothered’ level. Now I realise it may have been his BPH medications to blame, although of course like most women, I blamed myself for becoming less attractive. I got desperate about the low level of intimacy a while back but fortunately we discovered the use of a vibrator. To be honest, it was a revelation for me. I am totally satisfied by this non-penetrative method, plus it took all the pressure off him and I thought he enjoyed giving me such obvious pleasure. I deliberately only used it with him so that he feels that he is part of the success, and it is true, I love him and his participation makes all the difference. Although not quite frequent enough for me, we had (I thought) developed great intimacy using this method followed by penetrative intercourse when he felt able, which was about half the time. That’s why when going into the op I felt positive that we could ride a period of ED, stay intimate and work on his recovery whilst keeping the relationship intimate and healthy. Needless to say I am willing to do whatever it takes to pleasure him.

But this is not how it has turned out. His libido seems to have dropped to pretty much absolute zero and I am seen as just a ‘friend’. He holds my hand nothing more. I see no desire in his eyes, no willingness to use the vibrator like we used to. He was prescribed daily Cialis but doesn’t bother as they give him a headache. He makes no effort to be attractive or romantic towards me, in fact he is retreating into his work/ telly/ music videos. Last week we had a pre-Christmas 3 day break abroad in a very swanky hotel, romantic atmosphere. After keeping my expectations low for the first two nights, by night three I was desperate. I told him that I’d packed the vibrator but he wasn’t interested. Said I should have ‘warned him’. To say I felt let down is an understatement.

He is not responsible for having needed prostatectomy, of course not, but his reluctance to join me in trying to re-establish some sort of intimate life for us causes horrible feelings of despair and resentment in me. Maybe I am being ungenerous, I wonder if I am being selfish. I realise that 5 months is not long. I know my anger and diosappointment must hurt him. But I feel if positions were reversed and I could not have sex for some reason, I would feel motivated to pleasure him in other ways, especially if he communicated his great enjoyment of these alternatives, as I have done. And I would do as much as I could to help myself recover, wheras I feel he is wasting precious time to keep things like blood flow going.

Should I just give up hope? Accept that we are heading for a celibate marriage? I have considered leaving him during these many years of declining libido, felt awful about this when I discovered he had PCa all along, but as we are at the next stage now and he is hopefully cancer free, surely he should make an effort to optimise his own recovery? I don't want another man, but would sometimes prefer to be alone than rejected. I feel he is simply not making the effort to keep me. His love for me fuels our family life, when it's not there I question why I cook and clean and make thiungs nice for him. The great shame of being repulsive to him has returned and my confidence as a woman is plummeting. After he turned me down on holiday I moved into spare room and despite a horrible Christmas it is a relief of sorts. But it could also be a death knell for the future. I am at a loss.

I was so confident we could manage the effects of ED together, but the effects of loss of libido is another story altogether.

 Please advise! Or even just to know same thing happened to someone else? Thank you.

Edited by member 21 Jun 2018 at 05:52  | Reason: Not specified

Trishy,

It seems from your initial post that the situation has been developing for quite some time so although PCa may have brought it more into focus, it is possible that it might not be the underling cause of the problem. After years of happy love making there are cases with both men and women coming to find sex less appealing, even though they might still find their partners attractive and wish to continue their partnerships. It is well known for example, that some women can experience this after giving birth. when the man not only has to deal with this but see some of the attention that was formerly given to him transferred to a baby. It is very unfortunate where the intensity and drive of one partner becomes quite different from the other and there comes a point where this could lead to the end of a relationship where this is not acceptable to the more active partner. As men get into their fifties a growing proportion experience ED regardless of PCa. Perhaps women accept this more than if they have a partner who seeks sex elsewhere? Partnerships/Marriages are almost always initially based on attraction and for those that last, love and understanding. How many of us after years together look at each other with quite the look and actions you see between young lovers? Perhaps we also sometimes take our partners for granted at times, yet we develop our relationship and love that goes well beyond frequent sex or in some cases no sexual intercourse at all. There are other ways to share and enjoy love where intercourse is not possible or wanted.

So regardless of the extent PCa plays in your present situation, I also feel it could be helpful if you have a full and frank discussion with your husband to gain a deeper understanding of each others feelings and explore what can be done to reconcile them. This could mean attending an ED clinic and possibly have independent professional counselling.

Edited by member 29 Dec 2017 at 00:27  | Reason: Not specified

Excellent post Tony. I’m simply bl***dy dreading the start of HT and Chemo. It utterly fills me with dread and makes me question if I want a sexless life at all. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you Lyn

Yes you are right, I don't know I'd be under his circumstances. I think I am a little ashamed of seeming to force my own needs on him at a time like this. The problem is it is not really a physical need for me, it is emotional. His love and interest in me gives me the oomph to get on with the tasks of family life. For now I will have to find the oomph within myself rather than looking to him. I will try to take pressure of us both and hopefully will get a chance to follow your suggestion! It is a hard time for him and I don't want to let him down.