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My Dad and surgery

Posted 01 May 2018 at 21:57
Hi everyone,

I’m brand new here so just having a read through everything!

I was wondering if anyone could offer some advice... three weeks ago my Dad had surgery and is now recovering at home. He had a catheter fitted initially and this has now been removed, however I’m struggling to know how best to support him.

I know he is struggling with the pain of surgery but also the emotional distress at having zero bladder control, something he was warned about but didn’t expect to be so bad. He keeps pretending he’s fine but he clearly isn’t and I’m at a loss to know how best to be there for him. If anyone has any practical or emotional advice on what I can do to support him that would be very much appreciated.

Kathryn xx

Posted 01 May 2018 at 22:30

Not sure there is much you can do to help - he just has to work through it knowing that the pain will get better over time and the incontinence will hopefully also improve. Is he taking his paracetamol regularly rather than delaying until it gets unbearable? Men sometimes do that - but taking them every 4 hours (without exceeding the dosage) is the most effective way to do it.

Sometimes, it is only after the treatment that the shock of being diagnosed with cancer kicks in fully. He might need a bit of time to grieve - or he might be worried about how the surgery will affect his 'manliness' not something he will necessarily feel able to discuss with you. 

Edited by member 01 May 2018 at 22:34  | Reason: Not specified

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

Posted 02 May 2018 at 06:25

Hi, Kathryn, Some excellent advice from Lynn about pain control. We men are often stubborn, and try to prove to ourselves that we are tough guys.

There's no getting away from the fact that, as with all injuries, recovery will take it's own course, and in its own time, you can't alter it. He will get through it in his own way.

Emotionally, we need people who care, but we are very poor at showing that need. Having a daughter who clearly cares is a major help to him (even if he finds it difficult to say it)


Edited by member 02 May 2018 at 06:26  | Reason: Not specified

Posted 02 May 2018 at 10:24


You do not say what sort of surgery Dad has had, but from my own experience of robotic surgery I am surprised he is still in pain after three weeks, of course we all recover in different ways and time scales. Have you/he spoke to the hospital/specialist nurses about the specifics of the pain. Too many pain killers "may" cause constipation and have knock on effects.

Hopefully the water works will start to improve soon.

Thanks Chris

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