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User
Posted 25 May 2018 at 15:43

I was diagnosed with PCA back in December 2015. 6 months HT and 20 sessions of Radiotherapy. So far so good but I've been having some thoughts recently that I'm not proud of and I'm just wondering if I'm alone in this.

The only people I ever talk about the disease with are my older brother (he has PCA), a friend and former colleague who also has PCA and another friend who has had bowel cancer.

Nobody else, and I mean nobody else, ever asks how I am. Indeed it's almost as if they have forgotten I have the disease. Sometimes I get the feeling that prostate cancer is seen as a trivial complaint (which, incidentally, is why this organisation is absolutely right to emphasise that it kills somebody every 45 minutes and that it is now the third most lethal cancer after lung and bowel).

As I say, I'm not proud of these feelings which seem to border on self pity but it would be nice the next time somebody asks me to do something if they would also ask how I am and whether I am up to doing this or that.

Now this conflicts with a view that most people have which is that they want to get on with their lives and that their disease shouldn't define them. I want that too but I am sometimes slightly irked by the lack of interest. Maybe it's embarrassment, the dreaded C word and all that but if I didn't have fellow cancer sufferers to talk to - I think I'd feel very lonely.

It's one of the reasons I always donate generously to charities dealing with teenage and childhood cancers. It must be desperately difficult for kids who will, by definition, have few peers with the disease.

User
Posted 25 May 2018 at 21:10
Ha ha ha - yes, that was John and one of his staff.

It is a little ignorant of friends not to ask how you are and I suspect that it is not limited to men and PCa. My friends that have undergone breast cancer treatment would probably say the same. Maybe it is because the general public view these days is that most cancers are curable - have the treatment, get over it and then get on with the rest of your life. There is an element of ignorance or lack of awareness of the psychological trauma of being told you have cancer but if you are honest, how much did you understand of that before you had to experience it yourself. If you look back, have you asked friends 2, 3, 5 years down the line how they are or have you assumed that because they are still alive they must be fine?

John sometimes mentions it in the pub, or makes a joke about ED or whatever. This does jolt his mates' memories and they will ask if he has been tested recently, etc. He also has friends that he sees less often but it is always the first thing they ask - how are you, are you still clear, is everything okay? But these are 'professionals' (a Professor at the local hospital pathology service, a nurse, a friend whose dad died young due to PCa and so on) and to be honest, my female friends are much better at asking than his male friends are.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 26 May 2018 at 09:21
I think the reason many people don’t mention it is simply that they probably assume that you don’t want to talk about it, which is entirely understandable. I really don’t think there’s any callousness involved.

Chris

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User
Posted 25 May 2018 at 16:30
All I ever get is an occasional "Are you doing OK" which is fine with me. All the folks close to me and my boss get an update after every consultation and frankly that's all I (and they!) want or need.

I was working closely with someone and didn't know he had PCA or even that it was the reason he finally retired at 67. I found out he had PCA at his funeral a couple of weeks after my diagnosis! So some folks tell everything, some folks say nothing, some folks want fuss most don't.

User
Posted 25 May 2018 at 20:29
Doubtless there are a number of reasons for the attitude people adopt. Some really don't know what to say, feel they may say the wrong thing, or perhaps bring into unwelcome focus what the afflicted person does not wish to be reminded about. Then this is pretty rare fortunately but shows ignorance. It went something like this. A man normally went into the office of his boss who had cancer as part of a work process. After it became know the boss had cancer, the boss noticed that the man just stayed in the doorway rather than enter his office so he said come it's not catching in a semi jocular sort of way. The man said "but how can I be sure of that?"
Barry
User
Posted 25 May 2018 at 21:10
Ha ha ha - yes, that was John and one of his staff.

It is a little ignorant of friends not to ask how you are and I suspect that it is not limited to men and PCa. My friends that have undergone breast cancer treatment would probably say the same. Maybe it is because the general public view these days is that most cancers are curable - have the treatment, get over it and then get on with the rest of your life. There is an element of ignorance or lack of awareness of the psychological trauma of being told you have cancer but if you are honest, how much did you understand of that before you had to experience it yourself. If you look back, have you asked friends 2, 3, 5 years down the line how they are or have you assumed that because they are still alive they must be fine?

John sometimes mentions it in the pub, or makes a joke about ED or whatever. This does jolt his mates' memories and they will ask if he has been tested recently, etc. He also has friends that he sees less often but it is always the first thing they ask - how are you, are you still clear, is everything okay? But these are 'professionals' (a Professor at the local hospital pathology service, a nurse, a friend whose dad died young due to PCa and so on) and to be honest, my female friends are much better at asking than his male friends are.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Soren Kierkegaard

User
Posted 25 May 2018 at 22:04

Hi,

 

"So far so good" indeed.  Consider dwelling on that?

 

Thoughts you are "not proud of"?  Join the club mate.  And don't be embarrassed for being human.  We, many of us have been there, are being there.

 

You are  not "most people", you may, may not have their (most people's) views.  You are "You", and you have your views.  Cut yourself some slack, maybe?

 

I understand that some are comfortable accepting and dealing with my Cancer, others less so.  Can you get there? Maybe, cut them some slack?  It's not necessarily easy for anyone.

 

Maybe some are afraid to broach the issue of the big C with you?  Maybe some are scared?  Maybe some have a similar issue? 

 

Have just been introduced to the series Breaking Bad, poignant.  Made me cry.  Lots of things make me cry.  I dont' apologise.  

 

I am human being.

 

Look after yourself, look out for yourself, cut yourself some slack, if you want. maybe.

 

atb

 

dave

Edited by member 25 May 2018 at 22:04  | Reason: Not specified

All we can do - is do all that we can.

So, do all you can to help yourself, then make the best of your time. :-)

I am the statistic.

User
Posted 26 May 2018 at 09:21
I think the reason many people don’t mention it is simply that they probably assume that you don’t want to talk about it, which is entirely understandable. I really don’t think there’s any callousness involved.

Chris

User
Posted 26 May 2018 at 09:48

Apart from just after my prostatectomy, I look and feel well.  Even now, half way through my radiotherapy 18 months post surgery, I look well.  Most of my colleagues assumed things were ok.  Now that I'm on radiotherapy, I think they are puzzled as to why I don't look ill.  If I looked ill, I'd have a lot more concern, sympathy and attention.

Ulsterman

User
Posted 26 May 2018 at 10:39

Thanks for the contributions. Good perspectives. I was having a bad day yesterday!

 
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