When I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer in 2010 I was 57 years old. All 12 cores done in the biopsy were cancerous, my PSA was 34, my gleason score was 3-4. I was a carer for my mother and sadly she died just before I was going to start radiotherapy. I was in a dreadful state I can tell you, dealing with the sense of loss (I had lost my job my GP told me as well as my mother). My sense of loss and bereavement were off the scale.
I had started to read this forum on the day after I was diagnosed and this gave me enormous strength I seem to remember. Upon hearing the words "you have Cancer" (the urologist who told me this next said to me "we used to remove the testicle for this now you have tablets - proffering me a prescription and told me to see the specialist nurse outside!) My first thoughts were "who is going to look after mum" and my second was that I had always imagined that I would begin to make a living as an artist when I was 65 years old. I have no idea why I picked this age all those years ago. I suppose I just thought if I stuck at it long enough I might be good!
Then I came to know the characters who are on this forum and I was inspired. And also struck by their insight and the knowledge that they shared.
I can remember sitting on a bus on the way home from caring for my mum and thinking "well I am not dead yet!" and this became my mantra. I am not dead yet so don't live my life as if I am.
I read about diet from those on this forum and did a huge amount of research not just about diet, but also about exercise, meditation, keeping a journal, and I learnt Qigong. I also learned about those who had survived a terminal diagnosis of Cancer. I happened, just afterwards to make a new friend who had been told she was terminally ill with Cancer 15 years before. I thought to myself "this is interesting and how can I be like them?" I just absorbed as much as I could. I would buy books that I read about in the forum and read those. This would lead me to other books.
This would lead me to do more research. This sounds as if I did a huge amount of study but I am a lazy person as far as this sort of thing is concerned and sadly I don't have a scientific mind so most of the learned stuff just goes straight over my head.
But I seemed to hear certain things repeatedly and I began to follow that advice and make it a part of my life.
I was on Bicalutamide for 3 years and had the radiotherapy. Sadly my PSA began to go up again and I was put back on Bicalutamide again. This had an effect for a while but now isn't working any more. So I have been referred for salvage treatment (cryotherapy) and that happens in a few weeks.
The strangest thing happened though after my diagnosis. I had been suffering from debilitating depression for most of my life before the diagnosis of Prostate Cancer. But after putting into place the lifestyle changes that I had read about I noticed something happen.
I can remember walking through the snow during the terrible winter that followed my diagnosis at 6 am on a very cold, still dark morning on the way to the gym before starting the day caring for my mum and thinking "I feel WONDERFUL - but I have Cancer!" it was a revelation and the insight I had at that moment helped me deal with the terrible few months ahead as my mother became very ill and died the following February.
I put that moment down to the lifestyle changes I had made over the last few months.
But it wasn't all plain sailing because not long after the treatment finished I became anaemic and suffered from terrible tiredness to the point I would just want to lay on the floor immediately. I also had Proctitis that was caused by the radiotherapy, so I had to wear pads when I went out (I could barely manage a 20 minute walk before rushing home) And then I would have embarrassing "accidents" if I didn't make it home in time. All those skills I had learned caring for mum I now, just a few months later, I had to apply to myself. I could have asked how had this happened so quickly?
I also had other health problems - Kidney stones and cataracts, Terrible problems with coughing at night that stopped me from sleeping. I seem to be drowning in excess mucus to the point I would wake up desperate to get some air into my lungs. So many challenges to the point where I will happily tell doctors when I see them at the Hospital that I am fed up with them, and their hospitals. They have all been wonderful of course but they do understand my comments. My life is now that little bit that happens between hospital appointments. The NHS has been astonishing as far as I am concerned.
In the years since I have gained a lot of knowledge about all sorts of things.
I still have cancer and the doctors don't even think of a cure, but what is astonishing is that the severe depression I have struggled with all my life has gone.
I can remember going to see my oncologist with my sister just before I was placed back on Bicalutamide to help bring my PSA once again and being overwhelmed by a sense of well being. He asked me if I was still "active" and I assumed that he meant was I fit, and said I go to a gym. This caused some amusement I can tell you as he was asking if I was still sexually active. That would be a fine thing!
In those weeks before this and afterwards I felt as I have NEVER felt in my life. I was on top of the world, and felt like a teenager, a teenager I had never been when I was a teenager.
A sense of well being just seemed to flow from me. Quite ludicrous really.
In the few years since that moment the Bicalutamide has stopped working and I await cryotherapy. The cancer has spread to a lymph node in my pelvis near my kidney and I have started on injections and stopped the Bicalutamide.
I go for very long walks (my personal record is 30 miles in one day) every day. I eat a raw vegan, oil free diet, and meditate every day.
The oncologist I seemed to remember said that in a way my overcoming the depression (I had tried every antidepressant known to man I think) was a miracle. And that is how I see it myself.
I still have my ups and downs but I can manage them better and don't get drawn into rumination. I live for the moment. None of us really know how long we have on this earth. Even Doctors who will describe someone as terminal don't really know for sure when someone is going to pop their clogs. It is all just statistics.
There are no guarantees in life.
All we have is now. We can make of that what we will.
Of course all this is due I think to the lifestyle changes I made. I walk in the sunshine on these bright, warm sunny morning and feel moments of absolute bliss! Ludicrous.
In the end I am saying "Never give up HOPE"
I am not dead yet!