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Helping dad (and mum )

User
Posted 14 Jul 2018 at 08:15

My dad was diagnosed with prostrate cancer about 2 1/2 years ago. He is now 83 and it has spread to his bones. Initially he was very matter of fact about it. He's not someone to talk about his feelings, so it's hard to know what really goes on in his head. I have two brothers and we try and attend hospital appointments with him but it seems really difficult to get any information. He went through a stage of ringing the ambulance every time he felt unwell, but after a meeting with his palliative day care, he now knows when he needs to ring an ambulance and when not to. He has recently been in hospital having suffered what appeared to be a stroke. The doctors have said for months now that there is nothing else they can do other than manage the pan.

Him and my mum bicker all the time. She's not particularly well either and they seem to wind each other up. As he doesn't really want to go anywhere and sleeps a lot this gets her down. We all work full time so can't be there all of the time. When I visit I seem to be doing practical things and quite often sorting things out as they are both confused about what is going on. I don't know how long my dad has left and would like this time to be better quality than it is now.

it's hard to explain what's going on, but any help would be appreciated

User
Posted 14 Jul 2018 at 17:09
Speak to a local Macmillan or hospice nurse and get some advice. It sounds to me as though some respite hospice care might help both Mum and Dad, if the one left at home can cope on their own. Get Dad's consent before you discuss hospice care, I suggest. Some men might resent this step even being suggested. My sympathies for your predicament.

AC

User
Posted 14 Jul 2018 at 18:29
Good advice from AC there Claire.

Respite care would give them both a break, even if it's only one day a week for an "outing" if the hospice can arrange transport for them.

A change of scene, different faces and something to distract them.

They are both wrapped up in their individual fears and taking it out on each other

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 15 Jul 2018 at 00:16
Just a thought from another angle. Have Mum and Dad each completed a 'Power of Attorney' yet? There is one covering Heath and another for Finance. This enables the Attorneys to act on their behalf and could take some of the pressure off them. The LPA's need to be done while those initiating them are of sound mind. My wife and I did ours a little time ago. I downloaded the forms and this way it was much cheaper than involving a solicitor but ours were quite straight forward, More involved LPA's might better be done through a solicitor or in some circumstances may not be possible or ideal.
Barry
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User
Posted 14 Jul 2018 at 17:09
Speak to a local Macmillan or hospice nurse and get some advice. It sounds to me as though some respite hospice care might help both Mum and Dad, if the one left at home can cope on their own. Get Dad's consent before you discuss hospice care, I suggest. Some men might resent this step even being suggested. My sympathies for your predicament.

AC

User
Posted 14 Jul 2018 at 18:29
Good advice from AC there Claire.

Respite care would give them both a break, even if it's only one day a week for an "outing" if the hospice can arrange transport for them.

A change of scene, different faces and something to distract them.

They are both wrapped up in their individual fears and taking it out on each other

We can't control the winds - but we can adjust our sails
User
Posted 15 Jul 2018 at 00:16
Just a thought from another angle. Have Mum and Dad each completed a 'Power of Attorney' yet? There is one covering Heath and another for Finance. This enables the Attorneys to act on their behalf and could take some of the pressure off them. The LPA's need to be done while those initiating them are of sound mind. My wife and I did ours a little time ago. I downloaded the forms and this way it was much cheaper than involving a solicitor but ours were quite straight forward, More involved LPA's might better be done through a solicitor or in some circumstances may not be possible or ideal.
Barry
 
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