Hi Helen, sorry that you have to be where you are right now.
i was 49 when diagnosed, Gleason 9 . I remember crying all the time, I don’t think I was angry externally but internally I was all over the place. “What’s the point” is the Thing that I recall my head saying most of the time.
i ( and my wife) had to tough out this time, the stages of dying (no matter how long it will take) are , anger , pain, denial, depression, upward view, reconstruct, acceptance .
the theorists believe that you have to go through all these stages, How long in each stage is debateable.
your hubby is in the anger, pain, denial, depression stages still, you or I can’t blame him for that. I was given as little as two years to live and nearly 4 years on I am still here. Please don’t blame yourself or be cross with him for how he feels, both your reactions are understandable and bizarrely acceptable.
even now, the thing that sets me off is what I leave behind with my wife who I love dearly and my kids, ditto. That makes me sometimes wish I never was with them, not out of no love but because of love, I can’t bear the thought that I will and am causing them pain in any way.
your hubby needs fo find his own epiphany, for me it was running, I have no idea what will make him eventually see that there is a point in today and tomorrow, don’t ask about 3 months but today and tomorrow are tangible and achieveable
in business we use the three stages of change, storming, norming and performing. Right now hubby is in the storm, he can’t see a way out, it’s so different to what he expected in life. He will eventually find a new norm(al). If you can you need to hang on now and wait for the calm to come, it will. Then it’s the new normal, where hospital visits, blood tests, fear and uncertainty happen regularly. But that’s what will happen so understand when you both get it then that is the normal. Dreaming of a European tour aged 80is out but planning Xmas this year is definitely in so put all your energy there (or similar!).
once you both get there life becomes about enjoying what you have and can control , every day will become a gift not a chore, remember, for now though , hang in for the ride! The sea can be rough and a killer but it always becomes calm and beautiful eventually. Yes storms will come but you will get used to batten down the hatches when it does.
finally, speaking personally, no matter how I felt/feel, the best feeling in the world is when my wife hugs me, I guess it’s almost maternal, the “everything will be alright” feeling I get is wonderful although I know it won’t be that way one day, that’s not today.
say to yourself and hubby, on our respective death beds, will we wish we spent more time sad, upset, negative or angry or will we look back and say that we wish we smiled more, enjoyed what we have and made the most of it? I know what I want.
take care, never stop posting how you feel, no one here judges they just say how they deal with stuff For you to pick the best out of and help guide you
kev
Edited by member 17 Sep 2018 at 23:52
| Reason: Not specified
Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019 |
User
I would like to say a huge thank you for all of your support. I am so touched by each and every response and I am so grateful that you have taken the time to share your advice and your personal experiences with me. It really has been a huge help. When I reached out on here a few days ago it was out of desperation, at that point I didn't know what else to do or where to go for help.
We have made some progress now. We went to see a lovely GP earlier this week who was brilliant. I took the opportunity whist we were there to bring up the depression and I'm so glad I did. My husband was able to speak freely with the GP and explained everything that has been going on in his mind. He was prescribed anti depressants that he is now taking and we have been to the local cancer support centre at the hospital and spoken to a support worker there who has referred him to a clinical psychologist. I know this is just the start of the journey but its huge progress from where we've been for many months.
When my husband is feeling little better and more settled I am going to show him all these posts as I am sure that he will find them just as moving and inspiring and I have. Knowing that there are so many of you amazing people out there fighting a similar battle with this cruel disease puts your own issues into perspective. I believe life is precious, no one knows what is around the corner and every day is a blessing.
Thank you again for making me realise that we are not alone in this journey. You are all dealing with your own difficulties but you have taken the time to offer us your advice and support and that really does mean so much. My heart goes out to each and every one of you and your families and I send you lots of love and good wishes. Stay strong and keep fighting all xx
User
s*** that's a tough break. PC and the side effects of it treatment screw us all over.
Being confronted with mortality, combined with the emasculating effects of HT is probably enough to push anyone over the edge
Perhaps if he came on here and realised that even with a tough diagnosis like that there is still a good chance of extended remission for many years.
Ultimately if he won't accept help and is determined to do his own thing I don't know what else you can do? It sounds like you have been a star for him to date.
User
Helen, he needs to realise that depression is an illness that needs treatment. Could you persuade him to go with you to see your GP? I too suffered from depression after being diagnosed with prostate (and kidney) cancer back in May (although my situation doesn't even begin to approach your husband's in seriousness) and my GP put me on an anti-depression drug called Sertraline which made all the difference in the world.
Chris
User
Hello Helen250818,
Your post makes me desperately sad but your husband needs help.
I know a man who was diagnosed Stage 4 three and a half years ago. His wife was at the end of her tether. He had massive mood swings and often came home from work, had a bath and then went straight to bed without eating his evening meal.
I buddied him and persuaded him to come along to a local Prostate cancer support group with me.
While I was driving him to the meeting (took about 40 minutes) he chatted about his situation, talked about my situation and after the meeting felt much better having had the chance to hear about latest research and talk to lots of other men with PC experience.
He finished hormone therapy a few months ago and is doing well. He is in a relatively good place now With his treatment having worked well.
I am still on hormone therapy and am taking sertraline (an anti depressant) because I felt so low. Some men can be in tears and have large mood swings on hormone therapy.
Does your husband have any good male friends he could discuss things with or even go out with to take his mind off things?
Are there any support groups in your area?
I attended a six week course at Maggie’s Edinburgh on living with cancer, it was very good.
Would he be willing to telephone the nurses at PCUK?
The best starting place would probably be a close male friend but he needs to engage and realise he needs help.
Sorry this is a long reply. I hope some of it is helpful.
Ian
|
User
Helen my heart breaks for you. There are many many wives in your situation I’m afraid. The above advice is true. The cancer and treatments can destroy a man mentally and physically. Ultimately it’s up to the individual to stand firm and seek help. I battled my way through the cancer so far. I had surgery at 48 and all the associated side effects. I’ve been bipolar since the age of 25. I was suicidal pre surgery and got help. I was suicidal in hospital and had to stay 15 nights. I’ve battled my way through erectile dis function and incontinence but have been told I’m incurable now. I see a councillor every week which helps immensely. My wife has been a rock and I too have treated her badly a lot with the worry and stress etc. You need to look after yourself it seems. Try all the normal McMillan and Mind and there is a ladies only Facebook page for Prostate cancer sufferers. I think forcing him somehow to GP is the first step.
I really hope you can find help
User
Helen - this is a terrible situation for both of you. I do hope you are seeking out support for yourself. Living with a family member with mental illness isn't easy. And you have a double task - supporting a loved one with prostate cancer and supporting someone with a mental health issue. Why don't you ask your GP what support there is out there for you? Or maybe the Samaritans or MIND? I'm just conscious that you need to be looking out for you. And it sounds to me that your husband is lucky to have you. Keep up the good work.
Ulaterman
User
Helen, there’s a lot of love on this site 💕 💖 💗 hang on in there, try to find it in yourself to be patient work on any lines of communication that function and try and use them to reconnect. Think about the things that might trigger conflicts or hostilities and work on avoiding those if possible. There will be a tide of tears to come from a man that has been robbed so badly of his future. Every diagnosis has multiple victims but for now try and ride the storm and wait for the grief to show. He has been mortally wounded and has retreated into himself and in doing so lost you. It will change, he will need you before the end, there will be a reconning.
Fresh
Edited by member 17 Sep 2018 at 22:59
| Reason: Not specified
Base jumping without a parachute should be frowned at, never criticised. Fresh |
Show Most Thanked Posts
User
s*** that's a tough break. PC and the side effects of it treatment screw us all over.
Being confronted with mortality, combined with the emasculating effects of HT is probably enough to push anyone over the edge
Perhaps if he came on here and realised that even with a tough diagnosis like that there is still a good chance of extended remission for many years.
Ultimately if he won't accept help and is determined to do his own thing I don't know what else you can do? It sounds like you have been a star for him to date.
User
Helen, he needs to realise that depression is an illness that needs treatment. Could you persuade him to go with you to see your GP? I too suffered from depression after being diagnosed with prostate (and kidney) cancer back in May (although my situation doesn't even begin to approach your husband's in seriousness) and my GP put me on an anti-depression drug called Sertraline which made all the difference in the world.
Chris
User
Hello Helen250818,
Your post makes me desperately sad but your husband needs help.
I know a man who was diagnosed Stage 4 three and a half years ago. His wife was at the end of her tether. He had massive mood swings and often came home from work, had a bath and then went straight to bed without eating his evening meal.
I buddied him and persuaded him to come along to a local Prostate cancer support group with me.
While I was driving him to the meeting (took about 40 minutes) he chatted about his situation, talked about my situation and after the meeting felt much better having had the chance to hear about latest research and talk to lots of other men with PC experience.
He finished hormone therapy a few months ago and is doing well. He is in a relatively good place now With his treatment having worked well.
I am still on hormone therapy and am taking sertraline (an anti depressant) because I felt so low. Some men can be in tears and have large mood swings on hormone therapy.
Does your husband have any good male friends he could discuss things with or even go out with to take his mind off things?
Are there any support groups in your area?
I attended a six week course at Maggie’s Edinburgh on living with cancer, it was very good.
Would he be willing to telephone the nurses at PCUK?
The best starting place would probably be a close male friend but he needs to engage and realise he needs help.
Sorry this is a long reply. I hope some of it is helpful.
Ian
|
User
Helen my heart breaks for you. There are many many wives in your situation I’m afraid. The above advice is true. The cancer and treatments can destroy a man mentally and physically. Ultimately it’s up to the individual to stand firm and seek help. I battled my way through the cancer so far. I had surgery at 48 and all the associated side effects. I’ve been bipolar since the age of 25. I was suicidal pre surgery and got help. I was suicidal in hospital and had to stay 15 nights. I’ve battled my way through erectile dis function and incontinence but have been told I’m incurable now. I see a councillor every week which helps immensely. My wife has been a rock and I too have treated her badly a lot with the worry and stress etc. You need to look after yourself it seems. Try all the normal McMillan and Mind and there is a ladies only Facebook page for Prostate cancer sufferers. I think forcing him somehow to GP is the first step.
I really hope you can find help
User
Helen - this is a terrible situation for both of you. I do hope you are seeking out support for yourself. Living with a family member with mental illness isn't easy. And you have a double task - supporting a loved one with prostate cancer and supporting someone with a mental health issue. Why don't you ask your GP what support there is out there for you? Or maybe the Samaritans or MIND? I'm just conscious that you need to be looking out for you. And it sounds to me that your husband is lucky to have you. Keep up the good work.
Ulaterman
User
Helen, there’s a lot of love on this site 💕 💖 💗 hang on in there, try to find it in yourself to be patient work on any lines of communication that function and try and use them to reconnect. Think about the things that might trigger conflicts or hostilities and work on avoiding those if possible. There will be a tide of tears to come from a man that has been robbed so badly of his future. Every diagnosis has multiple victims but for now try and ride the storm and wait for the grief to show. He has been mortally wounded and has retreated into himself and in doing so lost you. It will change, he will need you before the end, there will be a reconning.
Fresh
Edited by member 17 Sep 2018 at 22:59
| Reason: Not specified
Base jumping without a parachute should be frowned at, never criticised. Fresh |
User
Hi Helen, sorry that you have to be where you are right now.
i was 49 when diagnosed, Gleason 9 . I remember crying all the time, I don’t think I was angry externally but internally I was all over the place. “What’s the point” is the Thing that I recall my head saying most of the time.
i ( and my wife) had to tough out this time, the stages of dying (no matter how long it will take) are , anger , pain, denial, depression, upward view, reconstruct, acceptance .
the theorists believe that you have to go through all these stages, How long in each stage is debateable.
your hubby is in the anger, pain, denial, depression stages still, you or I can’t blame him for that. I was given as little as two years to live and nearly 4 years on I am still here. Please don’t blame yourself or be cross with him for how he feels, both your reactions are understandable and bizarrely acceptable.
even now, the thing that sets me off is what I leave behind with my wife who I love dearly and my kids, ditto. That makes me sometimes wish I never was with them, not out of no love but because of love, I can’t bear the thought that I will and am causing them pain in any way.
your hubby needs fo find his own epiphany, for me it was running, I have no idea what will make him eventually see that there is a point in today and tomorrow, don’t ask about 3 months but today and tomorrow are tangible and achieveable
in business we use the three stages of change, storming, norming and performing. Right now hubby is in the storm, he can’t see a way out, it’s so different to what he expected in life. He will eventually find a new norm(al). If you can you need to hang on now and wait for the calm to come, it will. Then it’s the new normal, where hospital visits, blood tests, fear and uncertainty happen regularly. But that’s what will happen so understand when you both get it then that is the normal. Dreaming of a European tour aged 80is out but planning Xmas this year is definitely in so put all your energy there (or similar!).
once you both get there life becomes about enjoying what you have and can control , every day will become a gift not a chore, remember, for now though , hang in for the ride! The sea can be rough and a killer but it always becomes calm and beautiful eventually. Yes storms will come but you will get used to batten down the hatches when it does.
finally, speaking personally, no matter how I felt/feel, the best feeling in the world is when my wife hugs me, I guess it’s almost maternal, the “everything will be alright” feeling I get is wonderful although I know it won’t be that way one day, that’s not today.
say to yourself and hubby, on our respective death beds, will we wish we spent more time sad, upset, negative or angry or will we look back and say that we wish we smiled more, enjoyed what we have and made the most of it? I know what I want.
take care, never stop posting how you feel, no one here judges they just say how they deal with stuff For you to pick the best out of and help guide you
kev
Edited by member 17 Sep 2018 at 23:52
| Reason: Not specified
Dream like you have forever, live like you only have today Avatar is me doing the 600 mile Camino de Santiago May 2019 |
User
I would like to say a huge thank you for all of your support. I am so touched by each and every response and I am so grateful that you have taken the time to share your advice and your personal experiences with me. It really has been a huge help. When I reached out on here a few days ago it was out of desperation, at that point I didn't know what else to do or where to go for help.
We have made some progress now. We went to see a lovely GP earlier this week who was brilliant. I took the opportunity whist we were there to bring up the depression and I'm so glad I did. My husband was able to speak freely with the GP and explained everything that has been going on in his mind. He was prescribed anti depressants that he is now taking and we have been to the local cancer support centre at the hospital and spoken to a support worker there who has referred him to a clinical psychologist. I know this is just the start of the journey but its huge progress from where we've been for many months.
When my husband is feeling little better and more settled I am going to show him all these posts as I am sure that he will find them just as moving and inspiring and I have. Knowing that there are so many of you amazing people out there fighting a similar battle with this cruel disease puts your own issues into perspective. I believe life is precious, no one knows what is around the corner and every day is a blessing.
Thank you again for making me realise that we are not alone in this journey. You are all dealing with your own difficulties but you have taken the time to offer us your advice and support and that really does mean so much. My heart goes out to each and every one of you and your families and I send you lots of love and good wishes. Stay strong and keep fighting all xx
User
That's bloody good news for you both.
I had lived with my partner for some 10 years and immediately after radiotherapy we had booked a break away. I was depressed and very tired but on the little bridge on the 18th hole at St Andrews I proposed and we were married 18 months later. During this time the drug I was on caused me to fall into depression with really bad mood swings for no reason. All due to the drug. Thoughts of jumping off Beachy Head became real. It gets to a lot of men but unfortunately many bottle it up and wont talk about it even on here.
I'm writing this so you hopefully will see your other half is by no means alone. My wife has put up with this for a long time but now I am on a holiday from the drug, the depressive thoughts have receded. I still get angry and irritable but nowhere on the scale where I was before.
If you think your hubby is up to it, let him read some of the stories by others here. Clicking on a name brings up their profile. My story is not pleasant but I've been as truthful as possible and it has already helped others who have messaged me. I am not trying to shock or seek sympathy, just letting others who may be very low know that they are not alone. I wrote the story when I was at my lowest.
User
I’m so pleased your husband has opened up to the GP and is now getting treatment.
That is great progress from where you were a short time ago.
Thanks for your good wishes too, much appreciated.
As you say we are all on this journey and it is difficult at times to say the least.
Best wishes,
Ian
|
User
This is excellent news, Helen. I’m so pleased to hear that your husband’s now getting the help he needs. Please do keep us updated.
All the very best,
Chris
User
Please someone help me and tell me what to do. My husband has stopped taking his anti depressants and if I thought things were bad before it had nothing on this. He has turned into a monster. I've spent the last four days crying and begging him. I've never felt so hated by anyone, the abusive behaviour is out of control. He's taken his wedding ring off after being married only a few weeks, he says he wants a divorce and half of everything which would leave me and children with no home. He's told me he hates me, that everything was a lie including our wedding vows. I've done everything for him, I've stood by him no matter what, I've been to every appointment and no matter what he does I love him with all my heart. I feel so alone I have no one to talk to because I'm too scared to tell anyone we know what's happening because he will go mad if I do. Nothing is getting through to him, he has hatred in his eyes. How can I get my husband back?? I literally can't take anymore
User
Hi Helen we have talked before. You were at crisis before and it seemingly got better. If you genuinely feel he will be both mentally and physically abusive then you should remove yourself from immediate danger. This isn’t ‘him’ hopefully but a very messed up angry frustrated man maybe reacting badly to his medications or coming off them so quickly. At one point in my life I was given an antidepressant that left me yelling , throwing stuff and tearing doors off hinges. Get yourself straight and safe then make some very earnest phone calls to GP and Oncologist and stress it’s urgent. I hope you can work it out. If not then make yourself happy. That’s what is important too
User
Helen, you have 2 choices here. You love him and want to be with him but you cannot be his punch bag. If you are in any danger, you must get out, even if it is a temporary thing.
If only he would come on here and post his own thoughts he would realise he is being totally selfish and unreasonable. We would not be shouting at him, just telling it how it is for us all. He is so wrapped up in himself he cannot or won't see that this is often how it is for thousands of others. If I could speak with him, I would tell him how I have been there (see my other reply above as we have not been married very long) and in my depressed moods told my wife its over. She too tried to talk me round but when you are so low you don't want to hear anything as you sink deeper into your own self pity. I caused her so much unnecessary pain and all for what? Looking back - it was only a few months ago - I can see what an absolute ar#se I was but at the time, nothing would have changed me. I did not seek help - why should I? its not my fault is it? - but you know, when you are able to talk to someone it really does help lift the load.
Could you phone the Samaritans or PCUK, explain the position, then pretend the call is for him and hand him the phone? Or open this page on his laptop and make him read it. Seeing your unhappiness in words just might wake him up. If he wont read these pages, copy and paste into an email and send it to him?
I really do hope you can work it out.
User
Desperate situation your in. You and your husband in particular need professional help from where a much better assessment can be made. Unless I have missed it, we don't know your respective ages and those of the children, whether hubby is still in employment, full,part time or receiving a salary/wage ,how you would manage if you split up and would you be able to work. There are many other details too that you would need to confide in a professional that you would not want to post here. How much of your husband's behavior is due to medication and depression and can any of this change needs to be established.
As has been said, if you (or the children) are at risk physically, you must take immediate steps to remove yourselves from the situation. Even if the risk of personal injury is minute there has to be a limit to the abuse you receive. I can't see any reference to how the children are reacting to all of this but this is another factor that has to be considered.
Barry |