Thank you for your lovely thoughts. It was a smooth transition to the hospice from home this morning. We were all packed and just nattering over a sleeping N when the ambulance arrived. They treated him so gently and again we are so fortunate to only be 5 mins away.
We were unpacked in time for a spot of sweet and sour chicken from the kitchens for lunch. He only eats a tiny bit but enjoys it still, he swings between disorientated, fully conscious, very sleepy/fatigued and vacant. We watched the last episode of a TV series we had been following. That felt like a mammoth achievement to have got to the end! It's so hard to justify him being there when he is lucid and I wonder if we could have just manged a few days more. But this time is different, we had several people advising us that N would be able to be more comfortable if he returned to the hospice and we were able to do this in a calm and planned way, so different to our other experiences.
Going to try and get some sleep. It's hard to stay asleep when he's not here but I wouldn't sleep if I was with him anyway...
I had an opportunity before he came home to talk to family support about how I felt, we went through how sometimes the right thing is said at the wrong time, it's so easy to be hyper sensitive but that sometimes the professionals don't recognise this is how you are feeling in the moment.
I think I just don't want to be left with lingering regret, I need to feel in myself I did everything I could for N.
Xx